Thoughts about your birth experience?? (potential trigger warning)

[ifIcouldwalk10000miles]

Hi, I'm a newish nhs midwife, I love my job. Currently work on labour ward, have also been on a lovely birth centre. I'm very aware I look after women during birth and then move on quickly whereas that experience stays with that woman for ever.... and I know that I need to hear women's own perspectives on their experiences once recovered, in order for it not to become just a job. Wondering if you would be happy to tell me what it was like for you, what maternity staff could have done differently, what you would want your midwife to know.... I'm especially interested in experiences of induction. Very aware of potential triggers of trauma or planting fear for those who haven't birthed yet, so please respond / scroll with care. Thanks so much x

I've had one traumatic emcs and one amazing emcs. The main difference was that I was listened to and supported with dc2. Dc1 the midwife in theatre never introduced herself, I didn't even know she was there until she tried to hand me a baby 15 or so minutes after he was born.

Dc2, the midwife in theatre was wonderful. She chatted, she gave us a guided tour of the placenta and she encouraged/supported immediate skin to skin. She came to see me in recovery along with the consultant who delivered dc2 for baby cuddles and to make sure everything was okay. They made an experience I was terrified of (due to my first section) absolutely amazing. I sent the most over the top gushing thank you notes plus half of Costco's chocolate aisle as a thank you.

Ultimately though, I think honesty and openness are important. Due to the position of dc1, the midwife with us on the labour ward didn't think I'd get fully dilated. Apparently she thought that for hours. I felt she should have told me. It turns out I also have a very flat pelvis...again that information was withheld until right at the end when it was mentioned to dh. Unfortunately by that point I was so out of it, all I internalised was a massive sense of failure. Then the shift changed and I was left in theatre losing consciousness with a bunch of strangers. I'd been telling anyone who'd listen that he was stuck for hours. Turns out I was right. A more honest approach rather than just push a little harder would have certainly helped my mental health and possibly saved dc1 a few nights in NICU.

During pregnancy two very lovely mid wife's
Kind caring
When I was in early stages of labour cruel rude barbaric mid wives who laughed in my face when I asked how dilated I was

During labour three different midwife
ANGELS
Throughout absolute ladies
Was so Lucky in many wAys

Being polite and courteous goes a long way. Remembers the midwife who thought it was a laugh to laugh at me in pain on a public ward and examine me whilst loudly saying "stop pulling away it's not my fault your cervix is tucked away and I've got to walk it forward." The geezer and two children visiting his wife/their mum behind the curtain did not need to hear that.

Likewise the community midwife who visited, came past me like a rat up a drain pipe after I'd been home for 24 hours and whose priority was to discuss my sex life. I asked her not to - her response "well if you don't do the exercises your man will say it feels like this - and took her elbow in her hand and waved her arm backwards and forward.

Courtesy, dignity and respect are very important. The incompetence pales in comparison.

DC1 I pushed for 4 hrs high on gas before consultant decided on an EMCS.

DC2 elected CS turned into EMCS 12 weeks early.

I am yet to talk to a woman who hasn’t been left emotionally traumatised from giving birth.

Unfortunately it’s the good midwives we don’t remember too much. I remember the community midwife who refused to do me a sweep when I was 9 days overdue because it was a bank holiday weekend. I remember the midwife who refused to hold my hand during the contractions for my 2nd when I had no one with me. I remember the midwife who was too busy to wheel me to NICU to see my newborn son in the middle of the night.

Labour is still a dangerous, traumatic experience that only women have to experience. It shouldn’t be like that.

Hope that helps.

Thankyou so much for sharing x

I remember the midwife who was too busy to wheel me to NICU to see my newborn son in the middle of the night.

I had one of those. 9 hours of not knowing how he was. I would have walked myself but I was allowed to believe nicu was in the children's hospital, a block or so away instead of downstairs.

I was lucky to have 2 relatively straightforward if long labour's and births, and no awful staff. But by far the best midwife was a student. Things that made her great were that she acknowledged my feelings. I was crying 'I can't do this', and everyone just kept saying yes you can, you are doing it. Obviously trying to be supportive and encouraging. But SM (student midwife) said, okay, why can't you do it, and then addressed why I felt like that and what she could do to help me. She also explained why they needed to do checks and explained choices for making them more comfortable, and she took time to explain the processes of birth and breastfeeding to help me. She also took some time once baby was born to just sit and chat. It was only 10 mins while I was feeding, getting a shower etc but it really made her feel like a person not just a member of staff, and being that she had been at such a big moment, it felt really nice.

OP, the fact that you've posted to ask this suggests to me that you're going to be a great midwife.

I agree with PPs that the most important thing is for the midwife to be respectful and kind.

Whether the birth goes smoothly or there are complications, I don't actually think it matters so much (weirdly), because I think an unsupportive midwife can ruin an otherwise straightforward birth, and a supportive midwife can make a high risk birth feel less scary.

Of course there are some things that the best, nicest midwife in the world can't fix, and in rare cases I guess things will go very wrong and be traumatic regardless of what the midwife does.

But personally my birth was traumatic not because of serious complications but because the first midwife I had was an absolute bitch

I had an overall good induction, induced at 38 weeks due to GD so classed as high risk. The midwives I had were fine and I only had a couple of slight negative experiences:

1 - I have a suspicion that due to my weight (BMI of 31) that the monitor things that go round your waist weren’t picking up my contractions properly as the main midwife just kept turning the drip up higher and higher even though I felt like I was having constant very very strong contractions. It was as though she didn’t quite believe me about the level of pain I was reporting.

2 - it was clear they thought the doctor was an arsehole, I may have been a bit out of it but could still pick up on that, which was a wee bit unprofessional. He may well have been an arsehole but I’m not sure I needed to know that.

It was postnatal where I had negative experiences - basically forced and emotionally pressurised into breastfeeding even though it clearly wasn’t working, ended up being readmitted with DD poorly twice because of it and strong contributing factor to PND.

My second labour was at 32 weeks and baby was transferred to a different hospital. My midwife was amazing. She spent most of the day sitting with me and chatting just to make sure I was ok. I’ll never forget her kindness.
My first I needed to push and was told I would be examined in four hours. ‘It’s your first baby, they take ages, cross your legs if you need to push’. Baby was born 20 minutes later. I felt that they must be right as they were professionals and I had never done it before. If she had examined me she would have seen I was at 10cm. First time mums can give birth quickly. I just wanted to be listened to

One thing I wish I could change is how mean I was to my first midwife. It was not me and I was scared and I was shouting and screaming. I felt out of control and the long labour meant lots of midwife changes which made me even more scared. If anyone is mean or horrible please don't take it to heart, it's just a very stressful time. You do a wonderful job. Second time round the midwife took control and was very kind and gave me so much reassurance. She sensed how nervous I was and talked me through each step clearly. But I was still shouty but she saw right through it. It's the kindness I will never forgot. Like introducing themselves, making small chat as well as explaining options clearly.

First child - the midwifes could have listening to me when I told them I was in labour. Instead I was dismissed as a silly FTM. I would have also liked some pain relief as ‘I wasn't in labour’ the midwives wouldn’t even give me gas and air!

Had PROM and went in to be induced (baby back to back) with Propess after 24 hours. Contractions started almost immediately after coming off the monitor at were strong and regular straight away ( 4 in 10 and 45 - 60 sec long). When I told the midwife I was having contractions and requested some pain relief she told me I wasn’t and told me to have a bath. I get in the bath and the contractions continue to ramp up. I’m
Repeatedly told I’m not in labour and refused any any relief. I beg to be examined but this was refused. I tell the midwife that I want the Propess taken out but she says she ‘can’t’. I tell the midwife I’m in so much pain and feel like I’m dying - again pain relief is refused. At no point do any of the midwives conduct any examinations, check baby’s heart rate or even time my contractions. 20 mins after last midwife told me I wasn’t in labour and she couldn’t examine me as I ‘wouldn’t even be 3cm’ I ring the bell and tell the midwife I’m pushing. I’m finally examined and found to be fully dilated. I’m pulled out the bath and bundled onto a wheelchair and pushed at high speed round to the labour ward! The Trusts protocol was that during induction you would be examined after 6 hours. This doesn’t help when you are induced and go from 1cm to 10cm in three hours! I understand there is an infection risk but that doesn’t mean that it should automatically be assumed that a women isn’t in labour until she almost gives birth in a bathroom on the antenatal ward!

I had my ds in the hospital mlu and stayed overnight which was calm quiet and dark. Just lovely. then we were good to go but had to wait for a repeated Coombes test and were moved up to the postnatal ward. It was hell!!! Noisy, bustling, bright, stressful and we were just left there waiting a whole other night. I was utterly exhausted by that night (and I was healthy and receiving well).

If there is ANYTHING you can ever do to make the post natal ward more like the mlu recovery ward please do it. Just speaking softly and keeping lights low overnight would help. It’s the midwives set the tone.

Thanks for asking!

My first birth was very traumatic (placental abruption, category 2 section at 32 weeks within 15 mins of abruption) and even for the midwives some of them said they’d never seen that before and everyone was really good. With my second (a planned section) it all went well but I was still a bit in shock and because it’s every day for the midwives there wasn’t any recognition of the big thing I’d just gone through. I completely get that but I think the main thing for midwives to remember is that they might deal with births every day and find it very normal but for women it’s one of the biggest things you can go through and even a straight forward birth can feel like a big shock to the system

@ifIcouldwalk10000miles honestly the best advice I can give you is listen to the mum. She knows her body and what it is telling her. Don't dismiss her because she is a first time mum and knows nothing, don't ignore concerns or worries she has. We all know we are not your only patient but we need to feel like we are and our concerns are heard and acted upon. Don't treat her like an inconvenience.

I had an induction with dd (will be 7 in a month). They started with a pessary induction. Within half an hour my vagina felt like it was on fire. I was crying I was in so much pain, I asked for paracetamol and was refused, I was dismissed as hysterical because it "wasn't possible" I was in pain so quickly. I learnt from a midwife friend when dd was 4 that it was probably an allergic reaction to the pessary. However, i was alone and scared and had no idea what was going on. Dds dad was sent home as nothing was likely to happen overnight and not once was I checked on by the midwives on duty. Despite using the buzzer as I could barely walk I was ignored. I ended up calling her dad and demanding he got his backside back to the hospital as something wasn't right. About 2am they finally let me use the birthing pool which helped ease the burning sensation. It was hideous.

The shift changed in the morning and the midwives during the rest of my induction were amazing. They listened, they heard what I was saying and they acted accordingly.

Thankyou so much for all your comments, I do appreciate. I'm sorry for the poor experiences and rudeness. There is no excuse.

I've had one baby, I was induced due to dates and it was 2.5 days from pessary to DS being born. It was a long wait on the ward for delivery suite to become available but once I was there over the course of the next 24 hours I had 4 different midwives, 2 in labour, 2 postnatally whilst still on delivery suite. All the midwives were brilliant in their own way. The second, stayed after her shift ended to see me through a forceps delivery in theatre which ended with a 3rd degree tear and three litre haemorrhage. I was quite unwell afterwards and the next midwife was quite stern but in a good way, I finally got a drink hours later and I asked for a straw and whoever brought me the drink said they were too busy so this midwife told them to get a straw immediately as she couldn't leave me.

Unfortunately my overriding memory is of the breastfeeding midwife who made me feel embarrassed and belittled.

My first was a bit of a disaster but for me the worst part was being left alone in the shower afterwards.

There was more bleeding than I knew to expect, I knew there was no way of me ever being properly “clean” enough to get out without making a mess everywhere. I didn’t know to take my pads & clothes in with me, was shell shocked and exhausted after 2 days of labour and a forceps delivery, in so much pain, light headed and just alone wondering how I would ever get out. I remember thinking that I was going to die in that shower and no one would come to help.

Meanwhile, baby’s dad had had the baby passed to him and been told to “dress the baby”. He was clueless, terrified and with a range of clothing sizes and no idea what was right. I think it was easy for the midwives to say “dress the baby” and walk away because they have handled a million babies and know what they’re doing, OH didn’t!

I also had a midwife grab my boob to “show me my milk” which made me very uncomfortable as a first time mom, there was no asking for permission to touch me or indication of what she was about to do.

Second time around was such a contrast. I was closely supported after birth, midwife made sure I had everything I needed for the shower, kept popping between me and dad (also a first time dad) to check he was ok with dressing the baby. She was so kind and attentive, so completely different to the midwives business-like approach for my first delivery.

I think especially for first time parents, assume nothing!

First labour was long but the midwives were brilliant.

With DS2 I arrived at the hospital when my contractions were 2 minutes apart and The pain was unbearable. I was examined and told they would like to send me home! Having had a baby before I really felt like things were happening and I insisted on staying so they stuck me on the antenatal ward. I was screaming and swearing through contractions (not like me at all, I didn’t make a noise during my first labour!) and I feel so sorry for the other women on that ward who were waiting to be induced and heard that! I begged for pain relief but was told flat out I wouldn’t be getting the epidural I’d requested as they were too busy. I was told I couldn’t have pethidine as they needed two midwives to sign off on it and didn’t have the two and couldn’t have gas and air as I wasn’t in established labour. I felt like I was going through transition and kept saying ‘I think this is established labour now’ but they said they couldn’t check me again because they can only do it every four hours because of the infection risk. Those four hours without pain relief were the worst of my life. Of course, when the four hours were up they checked me and I was in established labour (obviously). They immediately send me to the labour ward and gave me gas and air and pethidine and I gave birth within two hours.

The birth itself was a dream compared to the four hours on antenatal but the experience left me feeling traumatised and angry. Was everything I was told true?
Obviously I went from not being in established labour to giving birth within six hours but if it had been within four they couldn’t have been able to check me again and I would have had to give birth without any pain relief. Does this sound right?

I have had two births; one traumatic and one about as good as a birth can be.

I think this was most likely just how it was meant to be. First time it was a long back to back Labour which ended in forceps and second time round it was a quick water birth with lots less pain!

Saying that, I really should have put a complaint in after my first birth as the midwives were not very supportive. I had excruciating pain when only 3-4cm dilated and I had no relief between contractions. I felt like they didn’t believe how much pain I was in and, though I asked for an epidural very early on, I was never given one. I was told this was because there was no one available but after I had given birth one of the midwives came round and said “I bet you’re so glad you didn’t have that epidural”. I was too weak to argue but I really wish I could go back to that moment and give her a piece of my mind!

I felt genuinely traumatised and like I had been physically tortured for hours on end. The midwives at this hospital are known for trying to use as little pain relief as possible, I think it’s barbaric!

My second birth was at a different hospital and the midwives were brilliant! It was all very calm and they believed me when I said I was in labour and listened to what I wanted.

I had a traumatic EMCS, nothing to do with my care; it was just a scary situation.
What I would say is it would have been good if there had been aNy midwives with a bit of knowledge of mental health on the postnatal ward.
I was clearly in a terrible way- crying, but not in a normal way... like crawling on the floor, saying I was scared of my baby, that they’d swapped him, I didn’t want him. In the end I discharged myself while my baby was in neonatal. In my notes they’d written anxious +++ but I was never sign posted to any mental health services, nothing was mentioned about any help I could access. If there had been a midwife who could have spotted these early signs of very severe PND, and known what help was on offer (there was a very good perinatal mental health service in our borough but no one seemed to know about it!) It would have saved me such a lot of heartache and probably saved the nhs a great deal of money in the long run!

I second the comment above about it being emotionally traumatic for almost all women. I think it’s hard to come out of it unscathed, but midwives rarely seem to acknowledge the emotional impact

My first birth was long and I became very attached to my midwife, she was chatty, reassuring, very sweet and I sobbed when she said she had to go She introduced me to the midwife taking over from her and said I'd be in safe hands because she was her daughter. They looked alike and her daughter was just as wonderful and got me through a very tiring and difficult birth.
After I had my dd she came back to say hello and confessed they weren't related but they both thought it would help me if I thought they were! They were both bloody wonderful!

My second birth was traumatic, ds was born blue and not breathing and I was not in a good way. My midwife looked worried but she was calm and reassuring and I look back in awe at our she managed to cope with such a difficult situation without alarming me, she was amazing. Ds was fine but his birth will always haunt me
I had to have surgery immediately after giving birth and once I was back on the ward she came to find me. I don't think anyone I barely know has ever hugged me so tightly and I realised then how scared she must have been at the time.

Midwives are amazing!

I have 2 very positive albeit different experiences.

DC1 - spontaneous labour at 40+5, went in to birth centre too early but was allowed to stay due to ketones. Arrived at BC 9pm, DC1 arrived at 7am the next day. Was in and out of pool. Lovely supportive midwife for whole process.

DC2 - spontaneous labour at 40+14 but had gone to be induced and was already in labour. Stayed on induction ward for too long really as birth suite was busy. Wasn't allowed in birth centre as Waters were full of meconium. Ended up with ventouse cup delivery, female doctor who wasn't very nice or very understanding of the fact that I'd only had 2 paracetamol and told me to stop making a fuss after she tried to manually turn the baby! Midwives however were fantastic throughout!

After both births I left hospital after 6 hours as both times we were fit and well and able to!

Sorry to read some of your experiences

I think I would want to highlight to things.

1. as many mentioned above. Listen to the mother. My first birth did not go well. I only felt contractions in my back and despite having contractions every 1-2 minutes could feel they weren't doing anything. That should have been a clue the baby was not in the correct position, but no one listened to my opinion as a first time mum. Baby was not in a position to be born, got stuck , because his head was not where they thought, the attempt at forceps damaged one of his eyes (luckily this healed) and he got stuck in such an awkward position that they had trouble getting him out with the c-section. At this point I had been saying for nearly 8 hours that something was wrong. Just check when a mum says that. Instinct is a powerful thing!

2. Don't forget the dad. Yes, you are there for the mother, but it goes a long way for a dad to get small updates on what you are doing or what the plan is. By the time our son was born I was in a bad way, he got shown a baby with obvious damage to the face before he was whisked away and had no information on what was going on. He has really struggled to get past this and we are now looking at giving birth in a different hospital, not because we don't trust the care, but because he struggles to set foot in our local one.