Thoughts about your birth experience?? (potential trigger warning)

[ifIcouldwalk10000miles]

Hi, I'm a newish nhs midwife, I love my job. Currently work on labour ward, have also been on a lovely birth centre. I'm very aware I look after women during birth and then move on quickly whereas that experience stays with that woman for ever.... and I know that I need to hear women's own perspectives on their experiences once recovered, in order for it not to become just a job. Wondering if you would be happy to tell me what it was like for you, what maternity staff could have done differently, what you would want your midwife to know.... I'm especially interested in experiences of induction. Very aware of potential triggers of trauma or planting fear for those who haven't birthed yet, so please respond / scroll with care. Thanks so much x

I had one birth where on paper everything was fine but I felt traumatised and I didnt realise how much until I was pg with nr 2. Everything was done to me. Decisions were made for me. Oh and if you need to stich up any perineum, make sure the anasthetic has time to work first.

2nd birth was on paper much worse but I was talked to and listened to throughout. Although if the baby keeps jumping back up after every push and the fit and healthy woman has been pushing for several hours please consider the possibility of back to back!

Oh and if you can see haemerroids forming do you think you could be a bit proactive and tell the mother and sort out some medication?

Hi and thanks for asking about this. You are going to be fab!

My over riding memory is the voice of a calm, in control, caring and kind person. She was a midwife but she was a fellow human being doing something to help me.

She followed me up too. She seemed to be the only one who got the importance of debriefing a very terrible situation.
She came in with my notes the day after, went through one or two questions but then told me where I could seek further support when in a better position.. in time.
I loved that lady, no idea of her name, can’t even remember what she looked like but her voice, I remember clearly.

The birth and every aspect of it is fresh in my mind today, 17 years on.
You are right, these things stay with you probably for ever.
My 17 year old still has the scars on his body from the trauma of his birth. He sustained deep wounds which have left very clear scars.
That also is a reminder.
Nothing can be done about that I know.

Debrief, be kind, communicate and be the one in charge, know your stuff inside out for every given emergency.

The fact you've asked this and you are reading replies is excellent.

The things that stand out for me:
Dont be afraid to advise and make a call - I was 2 days in and 30 mins from the nearest hospital on community led. I needed someone to say - love youve had enough off you pop to the hospital rather than - you can go home if you want.

Practice your stitching and don't cock it up. Lots of midwives are shit at it (look how many come unstitched 2 days after). Get your lock stitching right. Unloop the hair from it if you can (tidier, less infection risk). Keep it clean with wet (saline) swabs while doing it- makes vision easier if lots of blood. Practice at home on chicken breasts and a disposable kit.

Once you get in your stride don't be afraid to be different to others. Do things your own way and own it. And be kind. Patients remember kindness -( despite what you might read on MN you can give a patient a hug without it being unprofessional)

I had both terrible and brilliant midwives during a traumatic birth.

The one I still have nightmares about I should have made a complaint about. I was in the MLU.
She didn’t show me how to use gas and air properly. She ignored my concerns that something was wrong (turns out dd was back to back and ‘stargazing’ but she told me baby was in a good position and everything was fine. I developed a bandls ring so nah everything was not fine). When I requested transfer to hospital because I was in so much pain and I was sure something was wrong she sort of switched off and ignored me until the ambulance came.
Later after the birth I saw her when desperately seeking help for breastfeeding. I was sure dd had tongue tie but I was told dd just wasn’t feeding because I had been ill, all I needed to do was tell her I was better and ready to feed her. Dangerous bullshit as how the hell would a three week old baby understand that. Dd later had her tongue tie cut by a lactation consultant and fed immediately. But the damage was done, that midwife made me believe I had failed at having a natural birth, failed at feeding and I ended up with really bad PND.

The brilliant midwives I saw in hospital felt like they were there to help me, to support me and despite having a really traumatic emergency section they were like stars in the darkness. One was a student midwife and she stayed with me and held my hand, was so calming and lovely. The other was a clearly very experienced midwife who when my first epidural hadn’t worked as it was sited badly went and kept getting the anaesthetist to try to get it sorted. The anaesthetist was reluctant for some reason but I clearly remember the midwife fighting my case and arguing with her asking if I looked like a woman who’s epidural was working while I screamed in agony clutching the g&a.

I think birth has become so overly medicalised we forget just what a woman is capable with the right support. We don’t have a culture of mothering mothers postnatally or listening to her wants and needs, she’s a mere vessel to bring a baby into the world. Of course the safety and well-being of a baby is of the highest importance but she matters too. An emotionally traumatised mother is expected to give her best to her baby when completely damaged due to her lack of care. The well-being of a baby doesn’t just stop when it’s born safely. Explain to her the reasons why something is recommended or being done and allow her to have some control over decisions being made. It’s her body and she is in-the most vulnerable state she will ever be in her life. So scary at times so tell her what is happening. Reassure her. Listen to her. And most of all respect her. I was lucky to have two amazing midwives for my recent birth but my previous birth they bombarded me and made me feel stupid and weak. The care a woman receives is so important. I honestly believe it’s the reason I didn’t suffer with PND this time around. My birth wasn’t easy but I felt listened too and cared for.

I've been dismissed, ignored, assaulted, demeaned and laughed at by midwives, so don't do any of that. I've been treated like a human, as well which was all anyone could want.
You will neglect women at some point, simply because you'll be run off your feet- too busy. That won't be your fault. Thank you for being concerned enough to ask here, it shows you're a good one (just very new to the job)

I am really grateful for your vulnerability in sharing. Again just so sorry for all the pain.

I hate hospital. I hate everything about those hot, bright, noisy wards without privacy or comfort. I had homebirths with my second and third almost entirely because of my post natal experience with my first. I didn't even have any of the appalling experiences so many other women do and I feel tearful if I think about the first days after DS1 was born.

My DD was 3 weeks early. I was 8 cm dilated after 1 contraction so no chance of any pain relief apart from gas and air. Fortunately she was born just 4 hours later. So maybe unusual for a first birth.

One thing that I didn't have was any urge to push, none at all. I needed the midwife to tell me when I had to push and she was great; so much so that my daughter's middle name is after her.

My first I needed to push and was told I would be examined in four hours. ‘It’s your first baby, they take ages, cross your legs if you need to push’.

Yes, this. The look on my midwife's face when she grudgingly checked and found I had gone from 4 to 10cm dilated in a very short space and ready to push was quite something to see. She seemed so pissed off about it, too, like I had progressed ridiculously quickly just to spite her.

The hospital I chose to give birth at you had to start in the MLU if you were low risk. I was in a lot of pain after early labour taking FOREVER before I was finally admitted and I never felt like the midwife in the MLU took me very seriously when I tried to explain how much pain I was in and how much I was struggling.

After a bit of a fight with her and basically digging my heels in, I finally got the transfer I requested to the main labour ward and immediately had an epidural. Despite my labour ending with an EMCS, my experience on the labour ward couldn't have been more positive from that point onwards and the midwives and doctors I encountered were all lovely and couldn't do enough to reassure me and make sure I was comfortable.

Incidentally

I have had two very different births.

My first was fairly straightfoward, went into labour, gas and air but had an episiotomy. Quick recovery.

My second was induced due to low movements this was monitored over a few days. My water were popped and started contracting. About an hour later I suffered a cord prolapse and ended up with a general anaesthetic c section. It was pretty scary and the recovery was horrible, took around 8 weeks. Everyone including doctors and midwives were shocked at how 'ok' I was after!

I'm now pregnant with my third. Not sure what sort of birth I will have this time around!

Forgot to add on

Things that did affect me:

With my second breastfeeding was hard and baby wasn't feeding well. I was treated as stupid and over reacting and felt my concerns were dismissed. I was offered formula several times. It was actually tongue tie, My daughters tongue tie was finally cut just before she was two years old by general anaesthetic due to it affecting her eating and putting on weight. I continued to feed her until 2.5 years old.

I had two very positive births at Lewisham hospital. I was very fortunate to have the same midwife both times and tbh she was amazing and she made the births as good as they were.

My first was on labour ward as I had a small bleed in labour. My midwife normally worked on the birth centre but was on labour ward to keep her skills up.

She had me stood up for labour using the bed as support. She tried to get me on all fours to deliver but I couldn't do it. She was so calm and knew exactly what was happening. I remember her quietly going to open the delivery pack when she knew I was close.

I had a bad tear because I didn't listen to her and panicked a bit (normal FTM panic) but she did an awesome repair job - more on this later.

2 years later I had my daughter. I got to the birth centre and she opened the door. I relaxed immediately.

I had the most beautiful water birth with her and I gave birth an hour an a half after I arrived at the hospital. Again my midwife was amazing and really coached me through the birth and was hands off just like I wanted.

After, she and I were super impressed that I hadn't torn again. I assumed I would but her repair job had held amazingly well.

For me, that midwife made my birth experiences.

My experience was horrific. Planned CS at 38 weeks as baby was IUGR and breech. She was tiny and I was struggling with the effects of the spinal block. MW didn't help me to care for her and DH was useless, and pretty much disappeared outside somewhere. Baby became hypothermic and needed SCBU. I was left in a blood bed alone for over 8 hours until the next MW came on shift and showed such great kindness. Helped change my pads and bedding, wheeled me down to see my baby and explained what had happened. Got me pain relief and food, and showed me how to express so I could a syringe down to SCBU with me. She was kind and patient even though I'm sure she was busy and although I could see she was shocked by the state I'd been left in she simply cracked on with sorting me out without any fuss. As a new MW I would urge you to really see the mums who's babies are in SCBU. I was forgotten about because my baby wasn't bedside but I was devastated, confused and alone; crying whilst expressing into syringe holding her little hat and hoping I would have a baby to take home. I was walking too much everyday to get to the unit and bay constantly where pain relief, obs and meds were missed. I went days without sleep and often missed the doctors rounds because I was waiting for pediatrian in SCBU. The guilt, shame and stress followed me home and PND and PNA had taken hold by month 4. Years later and I still struggle to forgive myself and DH. The only saving grace is that DD pulled through and is now a healthy, happy toddler.

One thing that I didn't have was any urge to push, none at all. I needed the midwife to tell me when I had to push and she was great

This happened to me too! Induction at 36 weeks, responded really well to the drip & was fully dilated within about 6 hours. But zero urge to push. Had a forceps delivery in the end.

My midwife was lovely. She confided in me after the baby was born that she was battling infertility and was finding the job hard, obviously I felt very sad for her & guilty holding my daughter.

I suppose if I was being picky I would say I wouldve liked a bit more help changing positions, I had a drip in each hand & was lying on my back which may have contributed to labour stalling a bit but who knows.

My fist birth was really good, water birth in the birth Center. The midwife was so supportive and really coached me through it. I still remember her with much fondness. Lucia. She also came to do our postnatal check 3 days later which was nice. Another midwife who was there at the start before she changed shifts, Amy, popped in to see us the next day to check on us which I thought was really lovely.

2nd birth - didn't make it into the hospital! Baby born outside the car park 🙈 it was terrifying and amazing at the same time. I was quite disappointed not to get any gas and air but the release when baby was born was so delicious, it really felt amazing like having a very big poo 😁

First pregnancy I was in hospital night before as they were going to induce at 6am. At 2am I still wasnt asleep and was walking around, not comfy, knee something wasnt right. Midwife came to che k how I was. I told her uncomfy, sore back and I felt something was happening. She told me I was wrong, gave me 1 paracetamol and told me to go to sleep..... a student then asked if she could put the monitor on me anyway. She did, it showed contractions and a few hours later I was holding dd. Student stayed with me and was fantastic. I remember her name and her childrens names ..... no clue what my actual midwife was called and can barely think what she looks like.
Ds I was induced. Midwife told me she was going to pop the epidural into the drip too. I said I didnt want it. She told me I was being silly and would want it soon. Pure stubbornness made me not ask for it!!

DC1 The midwives wouldn't listen to me when I said I had the urge to push (I'd just arrived), they said it was too soon and put cereal in front of me to eat. I threw up everywhere. They finally examined me and I was almost fully dilated. When I was pushing I felt like I couldn't control it and instead of being supportive I felt like they were very harsh with me and it made me feel so rubbish when I already felt out of control and had never birthed a baby before. Granted, I did suffer a 3rd degree tear but I felt unsupported.

DC2 Amazing midwife, couldn't do enough for me. Rubbed my back, got me food and drinks, got me lavender oil on tissue to smell to calm me down, I didn't ask for it she just wanted to help me. She was very supportive and believed me and my body. She also got down on the floor close to me as I was pushing and told me when to try and pant. She did it in a gentle and supportive way. I found her easy to talk to and listen to when I really needed to listen. I literally loved her and half hope she is there again when I go into labour this time lol I suffered a second degree with dc2 but went home a couple hours later from delivery room.

Overall I'd say please just listen to what a woman is telling you they are feeling and check before just saying it can't be. The fact you're even asking this makes you an amazing midwife anyway x

Delivered in a MLU both times.

Second time was in stand alone birth centre and had the most wonderful experience. I know a good part of it was down to good fortune that my first labour had been straightforward so I was low risk, both myself and baby tolerated labour well and no complications however I loved how she was completely hands off. She didn't insist on an examination when I arrived as could see I was clearly having regular contractions, did regular checks as necessary and otherwise just stayed around until baby came. She was there for any questions I had but not overbearing in anyway.

First time was in a MLU of major hospital. MLU was lovely but midwife in assessment was extremely patronising and really put me off. She kept harassing me to eat despite me telling her I felt sick, very reluctantly had a little of a smoothie then threw that and rest of day's food up because she just wouldn't listen. Insisted that I would end up with an epidural and exhausted if I didn't eat anything. She also paid no attention to my birth plan and had a pre conceived idea I needed to go to labour ward based on watching me handle contractions. Fortunately my husband and I were able to insist on birth centre as no medical indication for labour ward and I had a birth as ideal as it could be on there with lovely midwives.

So sorry to those that had traumatic experiences

I was induced with my first. My waters had already gone and labour didn't start so I was hooked up to the syntocinon(?).

It hurt like hell. I had no idea the chances of progression were so low for an induced labour, nor the high percentage of them becoming emergency cesarean sections, which is what happened to me.

But the community midwife for my first DD was lovely. The midwives in the hospital were amazing as was the angel who visited in the night and told us so many baby secrets!
The midwives for my second DD were also wonderful, but the community midwife, not so much. I barely saw her towards the end, but I had a planned csec and all was good.
They did a wonderful job for me and I didn't feel out of control at any point, I just wish I'd had a bit more info about inductions.

I delivered 4 weeks ago. I was induced. On paper, it looks quite traumatic but I still found the experience as a positive one. I’m finding the recovery after quite hard. My son was delivered by vacuum delivery & I had an episiotomy. His heart rate kept dropping & I almost had an emcs. The staff were brilliant though out. I won’t lie, the induction process & the dreaded drip wasnt nice. I haemorrhaged as well. The midwives were so calm throughout. Before the labour really got going they explained everything !! They made it all bareable. I’m very lucky, it hasn’t put me off baby number 2.

I experienced lots of lovely community midwives and some fab ones on labour ward. I had to have water's broken and induced on drip due to unstable lie. First midwife on labour ward was just lovely, chatting to me and DH to start with but then being quiet and leaving me to crack on as the contractions ramped up. I was sad when she left at handover but the next midwife was lovely also. I was so embarrassed when I vomited across the room but she just cracked on and reassured me it was nothing to worry about. My labour did ramp up very quickly and I went from 4cm to delivering in about 50 minutes, she wasn't convinced when I told her I needed to push but we got there in the end.

Postnatal was different, some were a bit rude and dismissive. I was in for 3 nights and desparate to go home, I didn't understand why my son wouldn't stop feeding (I now know it was cluster feeding) and I was exhausted. No one really explained that this was normal behaviour for a newborn, I thought I wasn't feeding him enough or something and he was starving. One lovely midwife came to see me at 3am because she thought I'd been upset earlier. I cried on her shoulder and she was so sweet and supportive. She helped me get DS to sleep and back in his cot. I really needed that genuine human interaction. I think they're so busy it's hard to support women how they would like, but I often felt like they forget that first time mums haven't been through this before and we're all a bit clueless and looking for reassurance, whereas they see birth and babies every day so they take forgranted the knowledge they have.

I'm still listening ... and still very grateful. Your stories will be in my mind for a long time to come.