Thoughts about your birth experience?? (potential trigger warning)

[ifIcouldwalk10000miles]

Hi, I'm a newish nhs midwife, I love my job. Currently work on labour ward, have also been on a lovely birth centre. I'm very aware I look after women during birth and then move on quickly whereas that experience stays with that woman for ever.... and I know that I need to hear women's own perspectives on their experiences once recovered, in order for it not to become just a job. Wondering if you would be happy to tell me what it was like for you, what maternity staff could have done differently, what you would want your midwife to know.... I'm especially interested in experiences of induction. Very aware of potential triggers of trauma or planting fear for those who haven't birthed yet, so please respond / scroll with care. Thanks so much x

These stories are blood curdling. If my DD ever gives birth I hope she wants me with her so I can try to have her back. 🥺

The midwives with my first were very functional and polite - but made no impact on me or the birth. I had an epidural - she told me I was 10cm but they wait an hour to start pushing if you've had an epidural. Then left me for 2 hours with a student midwife - came back to get me to push and then finished her shift 10 mins later and was replaced with new midwife and student mid pushing. Wasn't impressed with that, especially as I only pushed for 30 mins. Should have started me pushing earlier or waited for shift change. New ones were fine but knew nothing about my wishes.

Second baby was a very different experience and the midwife was looking after two of us in the birth centre. She was lovely and when I had an emergency after delivery she started with me all through theatre and I remember her so fondly. She then visited me later on the postnatal ward (having stayed with her other woman through a tricky time also).

(When I say no impact - I mean lasting, fond impact - they obviously delivered my baby safely and that was the most important, so they had a big impact in that way )

The best midwife I encountered did very little! She didn't even examine me to check dilation as she said that can speed things up and I was doing just fine. She was incredibly supportive and positive. When I mentioned a water birth on arrival (very hesitant as with my previous baby they said they were too busy) she just seemed excited saying "yes! I love a water birth!" I had h before we even got the liner in there but that's another story.

She was also pregnant and her name was Helen. I wished for her the experience she had given me. Uplifting, powerful, positive, empowering and beautiful. I felt utterly safe in her hands and she gave me the confidence in my own body. It was a drug free birth not specifically planned but I just thought I would see how it went. I never felt afraid of the pain so never asked for anything and she never offered. She was one wise woman!

I can't fault many of the midwives I met in pregnancy and birth. The two midwives I saw during pregnancy were outstanding, took the time to talk rather than just going through the motions. I also had a student midwife who I saw during my induction as well as later on a feeding clinic. The two midwives who looked after me through my induction and then EMCS were wonderful - really attentive and reassuring (especially when I had a panic attack in theatre as they put the catheter in).

Postnatal ward was another matter - I was made to feel so stupid and silly for not knowing what to do. I was scolded time and time again about not producing the right amount of urine after the catheter was removed (too much, too little and then threatened with having a catheter again because I clearly couldn't read their mind on what the hell they wanted me to do!) And then questioned over and over as to why I wanted to be discharged. There was only one midwife on that ward who came in after a shift change and when she asked me a question and I burst into tears, stopped immediately and gave me a massive hug instead. I remember her as the angel of my second night who was so kind, caring and spoke to me as a person rather than an inconvenience.

Also have you checked out birthrights and similar organisations? I believe birthrights do workshops and courses for birth workers to really improve knowledge around consent, rights, birth trauma, trauma-informed care and that sort of thing.

Speaking of trauma-informed care, particularly women who have been sexually abused in the past- the stats are so disappointingly high that I think any good dr/midwife should always acknowledge there’s the possibility any woman they are caring for is a survivor or has had negative experiences in the past and work accordingly. I think the result would benefit all women with better communication, more attention paid to consent and respectful care and probably lead to less women being traumatised, survivor or not.

OP, just wanted to say thank you for what you do! The birth of my dc made me rethink what really matters in life including my job (viewed as a very successful by many). When I had an emergency CS and there were 11 women in the room, all professionals , saving lives, I thought that I a 2bln transaction and weeks at the office mean nothing in comparison to this. I'm amazed and will be grateful for the rest of my life! You make a difference! 💐💐💐

My births were both fairly fast and straight forward.
The first, I had a lovely midwife but on her break I had a absolute dragon... My body was pushing and I told her so, only to be shot down and told I wasn't, then when I said it again on the next contraction she shouted and told me she'd know when I was ready. She sat on a chair to the side with me in the pool and didn't even come over to see. By the time my nice midwive was back I was crowning and it was all go from there.
It was overall a positive experience but that half hour with her I felt helpless and ignored from repeatedly been dismissed like a child, all because I was young and super quiet whilst labouring.

Second was that quick I can't even actually remember the midwive

Well done for setting up this thread op!

I was induced as my waters broke early. Midwives generally were excellent. My second one did screw up a bit by not changing my catheter frequently enough so I had to be on one for two weeks but she apologised and I didn’t hold it against her.

One thing I do think often gets overlooked though that midwives could really improve on. I had a baby with a chromosomal disorder and we really didn’t know what he would come out like - whether he would need resuscitation, what he would look like (I know you shouldn’t care about such things), whether he would have a cleft pallet etc etc. The midwife never acknowledged this ‘elephant in the room’ but I was completely sick with worry about it. I do think that if a mother is having a baby with health problems midwives could acknowledge it more and be more sympathetic, even by looping in with the neo natal doctors to understand what the procedure will be following birth.

Another point is treatment of mothers after birth if the baby is sick. Everyone I know who has been in a similar position has been put in a bed next to healthy babies and their mums which to be honest is incredibly traumatising. Hearing mothers worry about hiccups when your baby is in an incubator is cruel. Wherever possible midwives on the wards should lobby for mothers to be in separate rooms or at least out of the way.

I had a traumatic birth with ds, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The midwives on Labour & HDU wards were lovely except for pushing me to BF when I didn't want to. When I was moved to post natal ward, the midwives were totally different, very uncaring, I lost my temper with one midwife who woke me at 6.00am to check my BP, I had been up nearly all night with ds who had screamed & wouldn't settle & had only just gone to sleep when she woke me, I was severely sleep deprived, I hadn't slept for 2 nights in labour, 2 nights in HDU & even though I was in a private room the ward was very noisy, I hadn't been put on the ward for my area, there were several mums who either had drug addiction problems or their babies were being taken in to care on discharge. I discharged myself after 2 nights, when I got my notes it said I was mardy, attention seeking & selfish, I wasn't, I was frightened to death & very depressed.

Horrific first birth in a very busy hospital. Got left for hours by midwife, never really saw her or any other midwife. The kindness of the doctors who helped perform my ECS made up for it, but yeah, we never really had any interactions with midwives for any of my three c-secs.

The thing is what one woman would find 'pushy' another one would find 'helpful'. It is impossible to please everyone.

Induction- locum midwife turned synto drip up higher than normal. Claimed she did it all the time and would get me through labour more quickly. My womb then wouldn't contract any more after birth and I had major PPH. Consultant told me it was because of the induction. Mw then was complaining about the amount of paperwork she had to fill out and didn't check on me to notice I was getting in a bad way and needed blood transfusion.

Mw refusing to let me eat when I was weak with hunger.

Second baby was ELCS. Felt judged by accompanying midwife who was pressuring me to deliver naturally. She was very stern faced and seemed completely unempathetic. Good at bf support afterwards though.

Generally my main negatives have been - definitely many midwives not realising how important this is to you and seeming cold or uninterested. Secondly receiving conflicting and subjective information from each midwife you see.

Pre-birth - met a range of mostly lovely midwives (it was the male consultant I ended up complaining about, but a long story!), but wish there had been some consistency of care as I think I only saw the same midwife twice and I had a fair few appointments!

Birth - I had an induction, cervical gel, went into hospital and had the gel inserted at 10am and was in labour by 6pm. The midwife with me was incredible, stayed by my side, supportive and kind, as was the second one on the shift change who I felt a real connection with and was so compassionate. She was with me as a laboured through the night, helped me to avoid too much monitoring and get into different positions etc. I had the epidural at about 5cm (the oxytocin drip made everything more painful!).

The next day, the first midwife was on shift again and back with me. I laboured in total for 24 hours before pushing for 2 hours. Then they realised my baby's head wasn't coming out in the correct position.

By this point I hadn't slept or eaten for pretty much 24 hours, was quite delirious and has to have antibiotics and IV fluids as I was running a high temp and the baby's head was pressuring my bladder so much there was no urine output.

After two hours of pushing, my epidural started to be ineffective across the pelvis, although couldn't feel contractions in stomach, but was in excruciating pelvic pain.

I then went to theatre for a forceps delivery. Two docs tried to manually turn baby, no joy. Had epidural top up for c section but still had sensation. I had no idea what was happening and was so confused. Had to sign something to say I would have a hysterectomy if necessary and blood transfusions. Don't know how I signed it! Because I could still feel just a light tap on my abdomen, I was put under general which I resisted deliriously.

Ended up having a massive PPH, multiple blood transfusions and kidney damage, along with a 40.8 temperature. Woke up in ICU hours after my baby was delivered with no idea where baby was or if it had survived, covered in bags of ice and in agony trying to cough after being ventilated. Because of the ice and my confusion and morphine I thought I was dead in the morgue.

I met my baby the following day. I have PND and PTSD.

When I was moved to postnatal there were some brilliant midwives. I wish someone had warned me though that being bedridden would make your hair completely matted. I also wish I'd had more help with personal care as I was really immobile and had to ask multiple times for someone to wash me or wheel me to a shower.

I struggled with baby and exhaustion at night.

I asked one midwife to help me sit up and she refused as I had to learn to do it myself.

A little more of the nursing style care was needed postnatally.

Also I really don't think women should be left to labour so long. It can be a real factor in haemorrhage I believe, especially with induction. My baby was also just shy of 10lbs (I'm 5 foot 4!). I'd been told to expect an 8lb-er and should've received more than one growth scan due to fundal height measurements on the 97th percentile, but kept getting told it'd be fine/baby wouldn't be that big/because I didn't have gestational diabetes I didn't need any more!

Years after the birth of my DS, I still shudder if someone talks about birth or tells me they are a midwife.You are aware of triggers and you know how unkind and cruel your colleagues are - yet you come on here and ask for our stories to help you. You will lose your empathy and it will become "just a job".

@PanamaPattie

And with a helpful attitude like yours, how could she possibly fail 🙄 moan you dont get listened to but when someones listening you drag them down!

@Wolfgirrl which post were you referring to in your earlier one? Or did you just come on to be dismissive?

What a lovely career choice OP

I had an amazing midwife for both of my pregnancies, DS1 arrived a day before his due date, 10hr, natural labour, no pain relief.

DS2 midwife wanted to deliver baby at home, but he chose to arrive 10 days early while midwife was on holiday, had him in hospital 2hr natural birth. At home 6am the same morning, he was born at 1:30am

Wishing you a wonderful career, you will make such a difference to women at a very special time.

@LaGoulueRevenue

@OhTheRoses and @PanamaPattie have both been unnecessarily rude to OP just because she happens to share a profession with somebody they didnt like.

Their tone is very accusatory.

The birth itself went fine - elective C section, everything went to plan, after care of me was great. What made a difference was how kind and gentle all the midwives were. I was so emotional and overwhelmed that even the slightest harsh word/look/perceived criticism would've tipped me over the edge.

But one aspect that wasn't so good was the breastfeeding support - well, it was good AFTER we had problems and baby lost a load of weight and we were re-admitted, but by then it was too late and my supply never got going properly.
I feel that if someone had sat with me on the first day, properly observed me feeding and gone through things like how to tell if baby is drinking properly/signs that they're not etc, and also that topping up with formula is an option then it would've saved me so much stress and heartbreak.
All the NHS booklets I got made it sound like even a bit of formula before 6 weeks would ruin breastfeeding forever and also the information skimmed over a lot of the problems people have. It was made to sound so simple and didn't paint a realistic picture of what it would actually be like.
At the hospital on the first day a midwife looked at us feeding for a few seconds and said "yeah that all looks fine", and that was it. No one told me they had breastfeeding support staff on the ward, I didn't get to see them until after we were re-admitted. And I didn't know that re-admission was a possibility, so it was a big shock to be told we had to go back in. Since then I've found out that it happens to loads of people.
I get that they don't want to scare people and put them off but I wish the midwives had warned me that it doesn't work out for everyone and to not feel guilty if that's the case for me, rather than "oh you're planning to breastfeed, great, it's the best thing for your baby" (it wasn't, she starved for five days).

@Wolfgirrl I meant your post at 16.28. You must have read or at least scrolled past loads of experiences shared by women, only to post something indirect and finish it by saying 'it is impossible to please everyone'.

What made a difference was how kind and gentle all the midwives were. I was so emotional and overwhelmed that even the slightest harsh word/look/perceived criticism would've tipped me over the edge.

This 100%. I think it’s one of those professions where you have to be particularly sensitive in what you say and how you treat others because it can really have a deep and lasting impact. Sadly not always the case- I often hear women reflecting on the fact they would never have been allowed to talk to others at their own work the way they were treated during their birth by midwives- even for example a Tesco worker interacting with customers.

@PanamaPattie I had a traumatic birth and I completely understand feeling fearful in general of midwives and birth workers but there are good and bad in the profession and I’ve definitely seen, via social media groups, many who are very passionate about giving women positive experiences and working to change the general culture of maternity services.

OP, the fact that you started this post to hear people's views suggests you're probably already very good at your job! I was induced early with DS, as growth scans showed his tummy might not be growing in line with the rest of him. Induced Tues morning, he was born Thurs eve, so we spent time with several midwives. To be honest, I don't really remember any of them. I felt safe and well looked after (the most important things) but not nurtured and cared for. DH and I are both quite self-contained though, so perhaps they just thought we'd welcome space. The reality is I felt really quite scared and vulnerable and would have loved some TLC / suggestions / encouragement / distraction. DS was back-to-back and I had a failed epidural and then a forceps delivery in theatre, and the staff there were brilliant. Stayed in overnight and was very much left to myself. I got a copy of my notes afterwards, not for any negative reasons, but just so I could understand how things had progressed / escalated, and I really liked seeing them, things like "2nd epidural successful, mum and dad both sleeping comfortably" made me feel retrospectively cared for, if that makes sense.

@Wolfgirrl It is impossible to please everyone

Some of us aren't asking them to please everyone, though. We're asking midwives to make sure we're given the full picture, informed consent, the medication we've been prescribed and to not stand by when we're assaulted by male staff.

Please everyone? They could start by just keeping us safe.

Agreed but you're all using your experiences to blame OP for the actions of others, like all midwives are inherently bad.

There were things that happened during my labour that could be reframed as unkind but I could see them in the context they were and not misconstrued them.

One woman that complains of unnecessary examination may be another woman's complaint that she wasnt examined enough etc.

I do think we need to keep expectations of birth realistic, frankly our control is minimal, the only thing we can change is our own mindset.