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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Hospitals that don’t allow men to stay overnight

237 replies

NemophilistRebel · 12/01/2020 07:28

In 2017 I gave birth in Watford and hated finding out that men were allowed to stay on the ward overnight, I was in for a week.

I’m due to give birth again this summer and although my midwife has tried to reassure me that Watford has improved she couldn’t confirm that men weren’t allowed to stay

Does anyone know if Stoke Mandeville or Luton and Dunstable hospitals allow men to stay overnight?

OP posts:
Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 13/01/2020 14:58

Thank you @SpaceDinosaur that’s definitely reassuring

OP posts:
SpaceDinosaur · 13/01/2020 21:36

@bluebluezoo

The midwives aren't running the department with no management. There is a hierarchy, structure and process. There's is also PALS. Watford has a PALS office in the main entrance area. They are available.

"I fear for my safety" "I fear for my baby's safety or wellbeing" shouldn't be bandied about willy billy but if it's sincere then bloody well say it, repeat it, escalate it.

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 15/01/2020 23:39

I suppose it would be stupid to discharge yourself early after a c section

I did after 24 hours against medical advice "We'd really prefer you to stay an extra 24 hours". It was horrendous with just the four women and babies, it would have been even more hideous with four extra bodies in there.

Nope. Absolutely not, it's hard, but men should not be allowed to stay overnight on postnatal wards.

turnthebiglightoff · 16/01/2020 09:35

Standing by my comment up thread and view. If my husband hadn't stayed after my very traumatic and life changing injury causing birth, I couldn't have got to the toilet, washed, fed my child or drank any water. No one brought water for 48 hours. I was mistakenly told I couldn't eat so went 60 hours without eating. My husband fixed all of these things as I was unable to walk or even talk much. And even despite the enormous lack of staff on the post natal ward, and regardless of a good or bad birth, I wanted him there with me and our baby, as is my right. And my prerogative. And choice.

I also found women to be much the worse on the postnatal ward. Constantly talking on their phones often into the small hours. Visiting women taking whatever they wanted - including coming into my cubicle and taking my water. They got told about themselves and I was moved to a private room (that I paid for!). I am so sorry to anyone that has experience violence and more from men; but that wasn't at the hands of my husband. And I guarantee that the men who "ogle breastfeeding mothers" are very, very few and far between and if you informed a member of staff they would be removed straight away.

I'll repeat: it's my right, prerogative and choice to have my husband by my side.

ClappyFlappy · 16/01/2020 09:45

I'll repeat: it's my right, prerogative and choice to have my husband by my side

What about the rights of women who don’t want random men around when they’re trying to sleep/breastfeed/are vulnerable having just given birth?

Junie70 · 16/01/2020 09:51

www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/people/edinburgh-midwives-say-men-using-postnatal-ward-hotel-are-compromising-patient-care-1363810

Midwives concerns aren't being heard, according to this article.

beautifulstranger101 · 16/01/2020 10:02

I'll repeat: it's my right, prerogative and choice to have my husband by my side

Is your husband opening curtains whilst women are trying to breastfeed or get changed? is he listening to women in the next bed describe the state of their vaginas to the midwives or doctor? is your husband loudly scraping chairs and talking loudly at night whilst women are knackered and trying to get to sleep?because that is what people have described in this thread. Your "choices" do not trump everyone else's right to privacy and dignity. THAT is the issue here.

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 16/01/2020 10:03

I'll repeat: it's my right, prerogative and choice to have my husband by my side.

Only in hospitals that allow it, thankfully. And it's a shame that it's allowed.

You have no idea what other women have experienced (at the hands of your husband or otherwise). And for their reasons for not wanting random men around then while they are in a vulnerable position.

redferrari · 16/01/2020 10:04

I had a low BP and was collapsing hours after section. No mid wife or nurse took me seriously when I said I was feeling ill. My husband pressed the emergency button and screamed for doctors and nurses when he saw me becoming unconscious. If he wasn't allowed to be with me I can't imagine how I would have survived. Unfortunately I don't have a mom too. Someone had to hold baby and make sure they were changed. Don't expect nurse or mid wife to have time for that. It was a scary night alone with a new born and if a new mom wants support there should be allowed 1 responsible individual of their choice. I think those who really want to be alone should save up and book a private room.

redferrari · 16/01/2020 10:06

Appreciate some of you had a bad experience but I can only say not all men are same

beautifulstranger101 · 16/01/2020 10:06

if a new mom wants support there should be allowed 1 responsible individual of their choice

what if they aren't behaving "responsibly"? what then? because thats what has been happening in this thread- people are experiencing men in spaces where women are recovering who are NOT behaving responsibly

redferrari · 16/01/2020 10:08

I totally appreciate that and it's sad that some guys are ruining it for everyone one :(

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 16/01/2020 10:12

It was a scary night alone with a new born and if a new mom wants support there should be allowed 1 responsible individual of their choice. I think those who really want to be alone should save up and book a private room.

It is, it's terrifying. Especially when you can't move and your legs don't work. Support should be in the shape of HCPs and professionals not random (to other woman) men.

So those who have been assaulted, raped, abused, are religious, uncomfortable in any way with sharing a room with a load of men, should just suck it up and save up? What if you can't book a private room, it you book one, and then find it's unavailable?

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 16/01/2020 10:14

Appreciate some of you had a bad experience but I can only say not all men are same

If course they're not, but some of them are, and what if you happen to be the unlucky one in the room with the shitbag?

INeedNewShoes · 16/01/2020 10:22

At Stoke some of the rooms on the postnatal Ward only have 4 beds. You could ask to be put there as it’ll be a bit quieter than the 6 bed bays.

I had a c section at Stoke. The antenatal care and surgery itself were absolutely brilliant. Postnatal care was pretty good. I ended up in there for 2 nights, then discharged, then back for another 3 nights.

I only remember one dad staying over and the only reason he irritated me is that he didn’t seem remotely interested in helping the mother of his child with the baby and she’d just had a c section.

On the whole the postnatal Ward was calm. There are a couple of midwives there who are absolutely fantastic.

If she’s still there, a lady called Veronica is an absolutely lovely and brilliant breastfeeding expert.

There are very few private rooms at Stoke so I wouldn’t rely on getting one. They wouldn’t let me have a private room due to them wanting to be able to see me readily when they walked past my bed as I have a medical condition that bothered them. Reasoning being that if I’m in a private room that it would be longer before I was discovered if I had an issue.

stophuggingme · 16/01/2020 10:26

It makes my laugh how some people think we can all book a private room to have our babies in when we mostly don’t know when they are coming.

Or if a woman who previously paid to use the room is in fact unfit to be discharged and able to pay more

Sorry I’m being stupid. Every NHS hospital is of course the equivalent of the Portland.Hmm

beautifulstranger101 · 16/01/2020 10:30

I'm sorry but the "not all men" argument is pointless and is not addressing any of the issues that have been brought up in this thread. Noone has ever made the statement here that "ALL MEN" are irresponsible or selfish. If someone was telling you they'd been assaulted by a man your first response wouldnt be "well, not all men do that" would it? I would hope that instead you would listen to the person and offer support and suggest ways in which they could heal from their experience.
The "not all men" is a knee-jerk blanket phrase that simply serves to ignore the very real concerns women have and is an excuse to do absolutely nothing about the problem.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 10:47

When DS was born i was given a private room but within the ward and DH stopped 3 nights. We were literally waiting for a call to risk to NICU to say goodbye (DS is now a noisy 4 yo). I'm so grateful thry let him stop. I know he was worried if something happened to DS overnight and he couldn't get there in time, what would happen to me.

When DS's were born we went in the designated twins room and he stopped over again. Post C section, catheter in, I wasn't able to get out of bed to pick up the babies, feed them, settle them etc and there wasn't the staff to help me do it all without it impacting on the people's care.

Obv something needs to be dien to tackle antisocial behaviour and where women need an option than is man free but someone's welfare is always going to be compromised if it's either/or

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/01/2020 10:50

No hospitals should allow any men overnight in maternity / postnatal wards. End of. Just another example of the erosion of women’s rights to accommodate men. For a bunch of spurious anecdotal reasons. I am horrified that any woman would put those before her fellow women’s right to privacy, safety and dignity at the single most vulnerable point of her life

I couldn't agree more.

I hope you find a solution OP and somewhere that you feel comfortable.

zaffa · 16/01/2020 10:52

I have some really mixed views on this one. I went into labour thinking I'd probably like my partner to have the option of staying, especially as I had an emergency section and I really struggled to move. He stayed while I was in labour (it was very long and drawn out and there were complications the first night - he slept on the toilet floor of my delivery room. He then had to go home the next day as he was so exhausted - I was only taken in for section the following night.
We were taken back to the observation ward after and as it was empty they gave us time to spend alone with baby doing skin to skin - and then the ward sister suggested he go home and sleep as they would look after me.
When I went into the normal ward the following day, I actually appreciated that none of us had our partners overnight (we were allowed to if wanted) because for the main part we kept our curtains open and it made me feel a lot less alone. Also the lady next to me had a problem in the night and couldn't push her buzzer so I did mine to call a midwife - small thing but how long would she have suffered there unable to move (also section) if the curtains were closed and she felt uncomfortable with my DH there?
It's tricky because the MW are busy and don't have too much time to look after you, but I don't know if my need for my husband trumps someone else's need to be on a single sex ward.
Would people be more comfortable if the birth partner was female?

ClappyFlappy · 16/01/2020 11:04

I think those who really want to be alone should save up and book a private room

Great idea! I’m sure a 16 year old single mum could readily afford to do that. Her rights to privacy and dignity being less significant than the rights of the middle class partnered up to have their man with them.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 11:11

Just another example of the erosion of women’s rights to accommodate men I'm not sure how many men are there as an active choice, rather than because their partners need them / have asked / told them to stay. Surely the conflict is its the erosion of some women's rights to accommodate other women's rights / preferences / needs?

eminencegrise · 16/01/2020 11:12

I think those who really want to be alone should save up and book a private room.

And again, the private rooms are never guaranteed. If there are others who are deemed to need it more, then you don't get the room. It's not a hotel. Some places do not even offer them to book.

IvinghoeBeacon · 16/01/2020 11:52

It is a mistake for PPs to interpret this as simply “wanting to be alone”. That is completely different to not wanting men staying overnight on wards, and it is minimising the reasons why women might want this

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 16/01/2020 12:47

Exactly
I’d rather not be in a private room if I can help it but don’t want men overnight

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