Hospitals that don’t allow men to stay overnight

[NemophilistRebel]

In 2017 I gave birth in Watford and hated finding out that men were allowed to stay on the ward overnight, I was in for a week.

I’m due to give birth again this summer and although my midwife has tried to reassure me that Watford has improved she couldn’t confirm that men weren’t allowed to stay

Does anyone know if Stoke Mandeville or Luton and Dunstable hospitals allow men to stay overnight?

@CalamityJune yes i do understand that they'll be strangers to other people and can understand the discomfort that will cause. When reading this post and responses to it it seems very against men being there at all which I think I what shocked me and what makes me confused. My husband can't wait for our little one so to send him away feels wrong.

Like I say, I think it's more a problem with hospital set ups rather than men being a problem? There will be many women who do want their husbands/ partners with them afterwards. I've chosen not to have my mum or any other family member until I'm ready to see them because I don't feel comfortable having them there.

This post just sounds like a blanket ban on men being around, but for me I feel like I need/ want my husband to be there with me to help look after me.

Maybe it's a good thing I am choosing a birthing centre, my husband can be there you me but will not be intruding on anyone else's space (during labour or post natally).

Hopefully that makes my thinking more clear, of course the comfort of women recovering is absolutely everything. For me, I know I would be most comfortable with husband there with me, because he knows how I feel comfortable and I'd trust him to help me when needed.

It bothers me that so many women can only see this how it affects them personally.

Ironically, there’s a thread in active convos asking why so many MNers have babies with unsuitable men. Those are the same men that will be there when you’re naked apart from your nappy, tits out, crying because you don’t know what you are doing.

Women are good at this stuff. Women as a community, as a group, help each other. Can we not centre women just once?

I've chosen not to have my mum or any other family member until I'm ready to see them because I don't feel comfortable having them there

You understand then why other women don’t feel comfortable having your husband there, in close proximity after they’ve given birth.

The hospital set up is what it is. If you want private rooms and private care you need to go private. Yes we’d all like the NHS to provide private rooms and 1:1 care but with a 32 bed ward permanently full there just isn’t the room or resources.

@lovesT you are right in that if I knew I and everyone else was going to have a private ensuite room then men could be there 24 hours with their partners provided they took up no staff time and resources whatsoever.

I think there is strong feelings about it because until you consider the impact on everyone on the ward, people often don't think past their own little world. Before I really thought about the issue, I probably would have thought dads on the post natal wards was a non issue too. I don't think it's an anti men attitude - even someone's random mum or sister would make me uncomfortable if i felt like they were listening to my conversations or chatting endlessly when I was trying to sleep.

Nobody thinks that men can't be there within agreed and strictly applied hours. Also, birthing centres aren't everywhere. There isn't one anywhere near where I live, and I live in a reasonable sized city.

It is reassuring in a weird way that I am not alone in my feelings.

I am also wondering if maybe there are any positive stories as in the event a private room is not available after c section this time around how do I reassure myself that it’s not going to be another story like last time with a ward full of inconsiderate men overnight?

It’s bad enough being on a ward in the daytime during visiting hours when everything is noisy and theirs hustle and bustle, but the minimum anyone should expect is a female only space at night

@NemophilistRebel the care I had at stoke couldn't be faulted. The midwives were really caring and even though really busy acted like they had all the time in the world for you. The nursery nurses were also excellent, I had quite a tough time after my c section, myself and my baby and needed a lot of support and I got it without having to ask. The doctors also I can't fault.

Sounds like u had a really bad time on the ward. I did witness one couple constantly trying to sneak in countless relatives when you are limited to 2 by the bedside but the midwives were really on top of it and constantly asking them to leave (really out of order of the couple. For the rest of people on the ward and also the midwives have better things to do!!)

I think it’s outrageous that men are allowed overnight on post natal wards. It’s a disgrace.

**
I refused a private ward as my dc had some serious health issues. I definitely felt on a ward at least I could catch a m/w in passing. On a private ward it felt a bit shoved off and forgotten.**

This is my concern.
Last c section baby required additional monitoring and I would prefer to be on an open ward if it was female only during the night

@PrayingandHoping thank you, that’s reassuring

Sounds like u had a really bad time on the ward.

I’m hoping that it was just an unusual series of bad cases that made mine bad and that it’s not normally like this.

Alas, I fear from responses on this thread that even some level of difficult behaviour is experienced

My DH stayed overnight with us for the 2 nights, good job really as they were so understaffed that there wasn't anyone to help with our newborn (I could not move from the bed due to IV drips and catheter), and they said the expectation was that partners would help out. Not surprising giving the state of the NHS, but your concerns are perfectly valid and I agree that it can be a worry for women at their most vulnerable. It's good you have spoken to your midwife, I hope they can find a women's only ward for you.

When did it become the norm for fathers to stay in maternity units?

I had my children 20ish years ago and it was unheard of then.
So, afaics, in the space of one generation things have changed.
What did all the mothers who couldn't possibly have coped without the father being present do?

I have to say that I would have loathed having random men around.

What did all the mothers who couldn't possibly have coped without the father being present do?

The wards were possibly better staffed. My DH went home the first night to get some rest, and I was told if I didn't phone for him to come back in and help out then baby wouldn't be able to be fed, changed etc as they didn't have the capacity and I couldn't move from the bed. It's a disgrace, and I thought it might have just been that midwife, but the second night we asked about going home and they said best not to. I asked if my female relative could come and stay instead, and they said nope, had to be a birthing partner. I would have been more than happy for him to go home, but out newborn wouldn't have been lifted to me for feeding, nappy changed or anything.

Wasn,t an option for me but would have been good the first night. But like to remind people women fart, snore and talk loudly on mobiles too. I appreciate people don,t want men on the ward over night but those reasons were pure sexism.

The wards were possibly better staffed

That's a good point.

Reading these threads I feel like some women are going backwards; this need to have their DH constantly by their side and inability to cope without him; women have gave birth for generations without a man. Giving birth is very personal and leaves you vulnerable and I think women have a right to privacy and safety, if you want your DH there then pay for a private room and not expect other woman to tolerate your lovely considerate DH 🙄
Also, do you ‘must have hubby’ mums consider how single mums, army wives manage??

@NemophilistRebel don't have any worries about not being looked after in a private room. They check u all the time and you only have to press the buzzer and they come v quickly

could you see if you are aligible for Alexandra birthing centre? they have private birthing rooms

*eligible

@JKScot4 it's not about not being able to cope without your husband. But that first night after c section I was really unwell. I was on oxygen, catheter, iv drugs and couldn't move after emergency abdominal surgery. I couldn't move to reach my baby. If my husband hadn't been there then I would have had to have been relying on the midwives??? Even without the fact they are v busy I would prefer my husband to look after my
Baby when I can't.

The second night I was able to get out of bed enough to look after my baby. So he went home

@june2007 I can only comment on the experience of my 5 day stay. It’s not sexist to say the men were inconsiderate and noisy in the night when the women were not

In the day one of the women was embarrassingly rude to the midwives, I hated listening to that too but she had gone through a traumatic experience just like I had and she gladly kept quiet in the night when people were resting

@sleepismysuperpower1 unfortunately not. High risk consultant led pregnancy and c section delivery so has to be the Ward

@june2007 your post is nonsense. The women farting and snoring will have also given birth and deserve to be there receiving care. It's annoying yes, as are the crying newborns who aren't yours, but it's understood that it's a hospital, not a hotel and that there will be some level of disturbance.

Additional people male or female being there outside hours is just adding to the annoyance. Only the post natal mothers and babies should be on the wards overnight.

I know not everyone can have a home birth (and it's not considered as safe for women having first baby), but not sure why more women don't choose this option if they can? My mw says it's a cultural thing in the UK that hospital birth is usually the "default position".

For me, giving birth is a natural process and, providing I continue to be low risk (even at the old age of 39), I wish for as little intervention as possible.

I'm hoping for a home birth this time around (first husband wouldn't let me - complete control freak).

Both of my previous hospital births were pretty rubbish and very rushed. My youngest had complications during and after birth as they broke my waters before they should have done (they were extremely busy that night).

If all goes well I can have baby at home and my fiancé with me at all times in the privacy and comfort of our own place. He's happy because he knows where the beer is!

My solution to this lack of privacy was to have a Domino birth for my second DC. All the benefits of a home birth but without any of the drawbacks. Home after 6 hours, so in my own bed with DH there to help out. My older DC was able to meet their sibling at home rather than in the hospital. Family were able to visit, and make tea/snacks for everyone without disturbing anyone else, as would have been the case if i’d stayed in hospital.

I'm so glad I gave birth before all this double the occupancy of a ward became a thing.