Hospitals that don’t allow men to stay overnight

[NemophilistRebel]

In 2017 I gave birth in Watford and hated finding out that men were allowed to stay on the ward overnight, I was in for a week.

I’m due to give birth again this summer and although my midwife has tried to reassure me that Watford has improved she couldn’t confirm that men weren’t allowed to stay

Does anyone know if Stoke Mandeville or Luton and Dunstable hospitals allow men to stay overnight?

I’m actually really perplexed why you would object to a loving father spending the first night with their baby?

Yep. If you live in utopia.

Bed next to me was a very young girl with her very young boyfriend who left as quickly as he could saying all this birth and womens vagina stuff was disgusting and he didn’t need to see it. Also that he didn’t even have a perineum so what were they telling him for!!

Opposite was an older woman who hadn’t even told the baby’s dad she had gone into labour. Visiting time went full on Jeremy Kyle with his whole family pitching up and talk about “disrespect” and “my yard”. I was glad when they got kicked out.

Not everyone has a “loving partner”. And in many cases of controlling and coercive partners there are very few opportunities for a new mum to be alone - she can’t ask for help with a partner there constantly.

I had one husband in the ward full on arguing anytime a midwife came in. No matter what they were doing it was wrong for some reason.
It was distressing. And that was just the daytime.
He also in the daytime let his whole family come and causing so there was about 12 of them.
The most noise I’ve ever experienced in a hospital.
When they all went home he pretty much ignored his wife and new baby and watched the football final on loud on his phone.

Later he left, I thought there would be some rest but he instead came back an hour later with a bag full of curry takeaway and more relatives to share it with in the ward.

This was in the June heatwave when it was 33 degrees and everyone was already too hot without all of this going on.

I think the couple next to me must have got in quickly as they left to go to a private room after one night of this.
When I asked all the private rooms were booked and it was only after 4 days staying that for the final 5th night I could be moved

NemophilistRebel, I was talking from someone on the other side of the fence. I just don’t think people have any appreciation about how the resources have been ripped out of health systems over the years. Patients aren’t happy but neither are staff.

I've never given birth but just based on one article I've read I understand why the OP doesn't want men allowed there all night. A man had written/complained about his experience of 'being in hospital' (sitting next to his wife while she gave birth) and was outraged men were so ignored in the process and wasn't surprised men got PND because his wife was given toast and water/tea and he wasn't offered anything and when he asked for a sandwich he was directed to the canteen rather than a nurse bringing him one...

And having read some of the other experiences on the thread I definitely understand!

My intention wasn’t to offend anyone with my post so hope that hasn’t happened.

I know there are vulnerable women who need protecting and I guess this is the way to do it. I just don’t think it’s fair on those men who would be considerate and who just want to bond with their baby and assist the mother. But then its like many other situations, there needs to be one rule for all.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for over 2 years now, not long compared to most people I know but genuinely not seen any posts about this before in that time.

You learn something new every day.

I've been ignorant to be annoyed that DP wouldn't be able to stay with me on the ward if I have to stay in, but after reading this thread I can understand completely why they shouldn't be allowed.

The last thing I want is people causing havoc on the ward after just giving birth, and I know the vast majority of dads wouldn't be idiots and would treat the environment with respect but it's the small majority that would ruin it for everyone else and you can't enforce one rule for one decent human vs a scumbag who has no awareness of how they should act.

As daunting as it is facing the night with a newborn alone, it seems much worse to face the night with a newborn surrounded by people who are making you or anyone else on the ward uncomfortable

@shutupsteph your post is exactly what I was just trying to say in my last post, just worded much better!

If there were individual rooms it wouldnt be so bad, but being on an open ward it's completely pot luck who might be in the ward with you and whether the are safe: you may have the majority of lovely respectful people visiting the new mum and babe or you might have people with children running round, or you might have visiting adults swearing and being loud, or social services swooping in to remove the baby from a drug addict etc and the ensuing rumpus.

The last thing I want is people causing havoc on the ward after just giving birth, and I know the vast majority of dads wouldn't be idiots and would treat the environment with respect but it's the small majority that would ruin it for everyone else and you can't enforce one rule for one decent human vs a scumbag who has no awareness of how they should act

Actually, it isn’t a “vast majority” unfortunately. It’s wifework, and while you might get a small % of men that will actually help, change nappies etc, the vast majority will sit there doing not much, maybe expecting midwives to include them in meals and tea rounds.

Then you get the larger than expected % who actively cause issues. And you knly need 1 to cause upset.

Women should never be forced to accept men in the spaces where they are at their most vulnerable.

A man had written/complained about his experience of 'being in hospital' (sitting next to his wife while she gave birth) and was outraged men were so ignored in the process and wasn't surprised men got PND because his wife was given toast and water/tea and he wasn't offered anything and when he asked for a sandwich he was directed to the canteen rather than a nurse bringing him one...

No idea why you would think men on maternity wards have a monopoly on this. Try A&E. I have seen just as many women act as you describe above and act like complete dicks as I have seen men do. So many people are absolute dicks, gender doesn’t factor into it in my experience.

I just don’t think it’s fair on those men who would be considerate and who just want to bond with their baby and assist the mother

But men can do all that within visiting hours. They have more than enough time to "bond" with the baby when they visit. When staying overnight, everyone will presumably be asleep so I dont really see how they are going to "bond" during that time anyway without waking everyone else up. If the mother is BF then they cant even help with that during night time on a maternity ward can they? There is no reason why men should be staying overnight in maternity ward.

Women should never be forced to accept men in the spaces where they are at their most vulnerable

Totally agree.

@HoppingPavlova women in a&e who are patients? Or visitors?

I've only ever heard visiting men complain of not being brought food and drink or asked how they are etc by nurses I've never heard visiting women do the same.

I’m actually really perplexed why you would object to a loving father spending the first night with their baby?
I dont think anyone would object to this, if that was the case for all. However plenty of the fathers aren't "loving" or even if they are loving to their own partner/child they arent respectful of others.

Get a private room if you can OP.
I stayed in the hospital for a week after I had DS in a private room. Nurses would take DS if I was tired and wanted to sleep, I really had time to recover and rest which is so important!

My hospital has very strict rules about Dad's staying overnight - Dad's must go to the day room to collect all his and his partner's meals, snacks and drinks, Mum is not to go. Dad must do 50% of all feeds and nappy changes if bottle fed, all nappy changes if baby is bf.

There's a sign on the wall that says Dad will be woken up for night duties by the nurses and that if Dad would like a full night of uninterrupted sleep then he can go home and sleep there.

Dad's do not get a bed, just a recliner and the nurses were always in and out checking Dad was not leaving it all to Mum.

Unfortunately I'm in Scotland not London but I just wanted to say that not all hospitals are full of antisocial Dads. Also the nurse in charge of my ward was like Hitler, she knew everything everyone was doing and seemed to know where everyone was at all times too.

I agree with @Scarylady. I'm reading this post completely confused as I've never hear anyone talk about this as a problem. I thought we had moved away from the men staying away whilst their wives were in labour because that's "women's business".

I'm due to give birth in a few weeks and my husband and I have loved touring the birthing centres to see where I can give birth and have OUR baby together - he is my birth partner! I'm not sure how that would work if he wasn't allowed to be there with me. I'd be lost without him! We made this baby and were excited to be there together.

I feel very lucky that the area we are in means we can pretty much choose from two birthing centres and a very good hospital, most of which is private rooms as far as I know (definitely at the birthing centres).

I agree with not having too many visitors and people, I don't want loads of visitors and I don't want anyone else there who isn't needed other than my husband when I'm in labour.

I'm still confused - sorry 🤷‍♀️

Get a private room if you can OP.
I stayed in the hospital for a week after I had DS in a private room. Nurses would take DS if I was tired and wanted to sleep, I really had time to recover and rest which is so important!

I don’t think this is usual. A private room doesn’t get you private care, just a room to yourself. My post natal ward had 1 m/w to every 8 beds- fully staffed. Add in one or two off assisting with a c-section, and there is no way on this planet 2 m/w could deal with 32 beds, 4 private rooms, and take babies off to allow mums to rest.

I refused a private ward as my dc had some serious health issues. I definitely felt on a ward at least I could catch a m/w in passing. On a private ward it felt a bit shoved off and forgotten.

Unless you meant a private room as in private care? Which would be £££££

I would definitely look at birthing centres if this bothers you too much. The one I am hoping to go to has private labour rooms and private post natal rooms which your partners can stay in with you as there is a double bed (if you want that, of course).

Maybe this says more about the set up of some hospitals than it does about allowing men to be there with their new babies? I really don't agree that men should be sent home once their baby is born.

I'm due to give birth in a few weeks and my husband and I have loved touring the birthing centres to see where I can give birth and have OUR baby together - he is my birth partner! I'm not sure how that would work if he wasn't allowed to be there with me. I'd be lost without him! We made this baby and were excited to be there together

I think you’re confusing birth and ante natal care.

During birth you will have a room to yourself. No problem with partners being there.

What we are talking about here is those who have given birth, and have moved to the communal ward. 4-8 beds in one room, with only curtains between beds. It’s a very small space with a bed and a chair, and toilet facilities are communal.

It isn’t nice to have other people’s partners pulling curtains back accidentally, watch footie on tv late at night, having a row with their partner, while you can see and hear everything.

I don't care how nice anyone else's husband may or may not be. When I am on a ward trying to establish breastfeeding, exhausted and bleeding from childbirth, I don't want anyone there outside visiting hours.

It's 4 beds to a bay in my local post natal ward. Potentially 8 people plus 4 newborn babies in one not-paticularly-large room separated only by curtains? How is that conducive to recovery?

I'm still confused - sorry

After I gave birth I was moved to a large communal ward with about 8 beds, with only a curtain for privacy. Men were only there during visiting hours but even then I had one guy accidentally whip my curtain back by mistake whilst I was trying to BF and it happened again once when I was trying to get changed.

Can you really not see how awful that is for women trying to recover from childbirth when they might be leaking, bleeding, in pain from stitches and trying desperately to regain some privacy and dignity?

If everyone had a private room then I would agree with you- the problem is, they dont. There are multiple beds to a ward with nothing but a flimsy (and often damaged) curtain which provides no scope for private conversations or anything. Its fcking horrible.

@bluebluezoo

I gave birth overseas and we choose to pay extra for a private room, in a private hospital.
I think the total cost (insurance covered a part of it) for us was about £10,000. The price didn’t include only the room, we had to pay extra for my epidural since insurance doesn’t cover it. The alternative would be staying in a ‘normal’ hospital on a ward in a strange country where at that time I didn’t speak the local language well enough with no family or friends around. I had to stay there for a week regardless if it was an easy delivery or not. We’re not rich and we had to spend a substantial part of our savings on it but for me it made the whole experience a bit less difficult. I was terrified of giving birth in a strange country with other customs. I appreciate not everyone can afford it but I feel grateful that we could as I found the first days after birth extremely hard and extremely lonely. It was so nice that when I didn’t have any of my loved ones there except DH, I had privacy, rest and lovely nurses who had time for a chat and a much needed hug now and then.

@bluebluezoo @beautifulstranger101 yes that's rubbish that men can be inconsiderate and clumsy and that families argue. Of course I can see that women need their space to recover and have privacy and time with their babies. I'm not oblivious to that. Like I said, maybe a birthing centre, if that's an option, is the way to go because you can get private antenatal rooms too. I've spoken to women who had their children years ago and really didn't like that their husbands had to leave them and wanted them to stay with their next babies.

I'm not saying that women should be made to feel uncomfortable - BUT I don't know if this is 100% a men issue or if it's more a problem with hospitals and how they're set up.

Other posts have said about families arguing and being a pain and intrusive, that's more than just the men. I think maybe it's lack of privacy which yes of course would be uncomfortable and not good for a mum who has just given birth - I'm not insensitive to that!

However, I still wouldn't want my husband sent away after I give birth. I want him there to help me and for us to get sued to a now baby together. I understand from some of these posts that maybe I'm lucky to have that kind of husband!

But @lovesT a dad can get to know the baby during visiting times and when you come out of hospital. A newborn baby is barely conscious really. They only need fed and changed and held. Most women are only in for about a day and a night so he isn't missing much. Most of that time the baby will be fast asleep and hopefully, the mother too.

I also have a very considerate husband. But to everyone else in that ward, he is a complete stranger. Those other women deserve to be able to undress, to talk to the staff about their torn vaginas, to go to the bathroom while bleeding and sleep as much as they can without being aware of an unnecessary stranger right outside their curtain.

From memory, I think my Dh was allowed on the ward from something like 10am - 7pm which was much more than needed; he didn't stay all that time as I wanted to sleep and his time was better spent making sure everything was ready for us to come home.