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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Hubby doesn't want to be in delivery room

79 replies

auslass · 24/12/2019 12:59

Hi,

Just had hubby tell me he's not sure he wants to be in the delivery room to see his daughter be born.

He didn't go into too much detail, to be honest the revelation was a little upsetting so I didn't want to spend time getting really upset.

Is this normal? I read lots of men just do it because it's expected not because they want to.

What I'm really wondering, is should I find another birth partner if he really doesn't want to be there? I'm now thinking I'll have it my head that he doesn't want to be there, and its going to cause me anxiety, which is probably the last thing I'm going to need when in labour.

Feeling pretty sad about it, any honest comments and advice welcome x

OP posts:
Isawthathaggis · 24/12/2019 13:01

Has he said why he doesn’t want to be there?

Notsure94 · 24/12/2019 13:02

He's not there to see his daughter born, he's there to support you. He's essentially opting out of doing that. Maybe point it out to him that way?

madcatladyforever · 24/12/2019 13:03

My first husband didn't want to be there. He simply couldn't cope with it. I knew what he was like so I did it on my own. It was better that way he would have been hopeless.

IdiotInDisguise · 24/12/2019 13:03

It depends, if he just wants to step out of the room at the key time, you may not need another partner. If he doesn’t want to be there at all, you definitively do.

I don’t think many people would be looking forward to spending the afternoon watching a baby being born, but it is all about support. If he cannot provide the support you need, find someone who can, I’m sure they will be honoured.

CodenameVillanelle · 24/12/2019 13:05

So he thinks you should go through the hardest experience of your life without his support? Shows what he thinks of you Sad

redexpat · 24/12/2019 13:05

DH stayed very much at the top of the bed with me because hes really squeamish. Is yours squeamish?

I could quite easily get past this if I knew he would look after me properly during the recovery. Is that likely?

Weepingwillows12 · 24/12/2019 13:06

Some people genuinely struggle watching this stuff. A friends husband fainted. Do you think this is coming from a place of it can be boring or gory, in which case suck it up buttercup as its not about him, it's about supporting you. Or do you genuinely think he will cause more trouble being there?

53rdWay · 24/12/2019 13:07

Why doesn’t he want to be there?

I wanted my DH there to support me through it. Whether he found the experience much fun wasn’t that high up on the priority list really. If he’d been utterly traumatised by the whole thing to the point of being no support at all or if I’d had a mother/sister/whatever whose support would have been more useful to me, then I wouldn’t have wanted him there as much.

JacquesHammer · 24/12/2019 13:07

Find another birth-partner. You need one who is whole-heartedly focused on supporting you not feeling uncomfortable themselves.

Can you ask him to articulate why he doesn’t want to be there?

Figgygal · 24/12/2019 13:10

Pathetic
You have to do all the hard work and he can't even bare to just stand there and support you
I'd be furious

Tell him to stay up the head end and grow up

He will be refusing to change nappies too I expect

M0reGinPlease · 24/12/2019 13:11

I read lots of men just do it because it's expected not because they want to

Sorry, is it 1935? Who wouldn't want to be there to support their partner to deliver their child?! It's not a spectator sport, he needs to support you. What a massive dick he's being.

DelurkingAJ · 24/12/2019 13:11

I’d accept this only if it’s the kind of phobia that’s going to cause him to faint (looking at DFIL who was removed by a porter and told not to go back in after he fainted the second time!). Otherwise I’d be very unhappy!

selmabear · 24/12/2019 13:11

Have an open an honest conversation with your DH. You'll need to understand why he feels that way so you can work on resolving it before the big day. There could be a number of reason. The prospect of birth is terrifying. I'm assuming this is your first baby and I'm sure he's just apprehensive about it.

M0reGinPlease · 24/12/2019 13:13

Yes @Figgygal I wonder what this indicates for future behaviour too. You're going to be doing all the hard graft alone I'm afraid OP. My DH probably would rather not get up in the night with our DC's and then go to work at 6am but he does because we are equal partners.

CareOfPunts · 24/12/2019 13:13

I agree @figgy. I would seriously be rethinking the relationship if my partner wouldn’t be there to support me, never mind wanting to be there to see his own child brought into the world. They don’t need to go down the business end if they are squeamish about that.

IlluminatiParty · 24/12/2019 13:14

It's a good introduction to parenthood. The first of many things he won't want to do but has to. Women get more used to this lack of control during pregnancy I think.

firstimemamma · 24/12/2019 13:16

Why doesn't he want to be there?

Is it your first baby?

More details needed please op!

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2019 13:16

Well you need to talk

I'm squeamish, scared I'll pass out or vomit etc.

VS

I'm not really interested, I'd rather sit in the Red Lion across the road and you call me once you're in the ward

Totally different reasons, totally different risks of divorce.

Runbikeswim · 24/12/2019 13:18

Against the run of play I totally disagree - why are you all so hell bent on making him be there? Just get someone that would be good at supporting you if you want support.

JacquesHammer · 24/12/2019 13:19

Tell him to stay up the head end and grow up

That’s very unfair. My ex-H was immensely squeamish following botched surgery when he was a child. He did manage to support me through labour but had to leave the room a couple of times

He will be refusing to change nappies too I expect

Nope. He was (and is!) a great hands on father.

If there’s a genuine reason, then finding another birth partner is far more sensible.

M0reGinPlease · 24/12/2019 13:19

why are you all so hell bent on making him be there?

Because it's the birth of his child!

Scannedworries · 24/12/2019 13:20

I would rather have not been there either, but what you gonna do?? Someone has to bloody get the baby out!!!

We were allowed 2 birth partners which was good as it was a long labour and extra support was required when things went tits up.

I couldn't have done it without dh. His arms were cut where I'd held onto him too tightly cos of the pain. He was also left traumatised as he thought we were both going to die. He still did it again. He would rather have been him than me!

Have a word with him, op. Tell him to sort his head out.

Runbikeswim · 24/12/2019 13:21

Is it that he has to prove himself and show gratitude for your heroic effort? Are there not other ways to do that?

M0reGinPlease · 24/12/2019 13:23

@Runbikeswim I'm absolutely aghast at your attitude. Of course it's not about proving himself or 'showing gratitude' but you can't just opt out of such a significant moment and expect or want your partner to do it without you. What does it say about his feelings for his partner and child?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/12/2019 13:24

DH wasn't at DD2s birth.
He was the only person (other than me) in the room when DD1 was born... And he was only half in the room as his head was outside calling for help. He remembers a lot more of what happened than I do... I was in shock for a while, no memories what so ever.
He wasn't able to be at the birth, and was very relieved. He only admitted this a couple of years ago and DD2 is six.

(DD2 was a planned, attended home birth, compared to that traumatic hospital birth where it wasn't believed I was very close to the end)

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