Hubby doesn't want to be in delivery room

[auslass]

Hi,

Just had hubby tell me he's not sure he wants to be in the delivery room to see his daughter be born.

He didn't go into too much detail, to be honest the revelation was a little upsetting so I didn't want to spend time getting really upset.

Is this normal? I read lots of men just do it because it's expected not because they want to.

What I'm really wondering, is should I find another birth partner if he really doesn't want to be there? I'm now thinking I'll have it my head that he doesn't want to be there, and its going to cause me anxiety, which is probably the last thing I'm going to need when in labour.

Feeling pretty sad about it, any honest comments and advice welcome x

Do you know, I think it’s a form of social pressure that oughtn’t be. I’m fairly certain that my husband, given half a chance, would’ve opted out but didn’t dare. Frankly, I think that’s not copping out and I wish I’d been a little bit less me me and thought more about him. It wouldn’t have made him one ounce less of a great husband or father.

Sorry but I think it would have made him a lesser husband. Throughout our lives, we do stuff we sometimes don't want to because we want to support our spouses. That's just part of life. I've done stuff I don't want to do and gone to stuff I probably wouldn't choose to because I want to be there for my husband and support him, because that's what our partnership is about. Not wanting to do something isn't enough reason for not doing something when there are other people involved that you care about. Is this why so many men on MN seem so bloody useless? They say 'I don't want to do that' and their wives go 'OK, I'll do it all myself!'

But yet again another thread that makes me bloody thankful for my own husband!

Tell him that you don't fancy it either so maybe you could both just pop to the hospital once baby is born. Perhaps after having a nice coffee while you wait!?!

If my husband had said “look, I find medical stuff so traumatic that I’d just be a gibbering wreck in the corner no matter how hard I tried, I want to support you but I’m just not physically capable of doing this” then I would have told him to stay at home.

If he’d said “I just don’t much want to be there, I know it’s potentially a scary and painful experience for you and I’d rather you dealt with it on your own”, I’d have been pretty bloody upset.

My then husband didn't come in to theatre when I had my emcs, my mum was with me. To be honest he wasn't much use when he was there during my induction, I just wanted to be with my mum.

Sorry but I think it would have made him a lesser husband

See, here’s the thing. I respect YOUR husbands choices, and wouldn’t dream of saying anything so rude as a result.

Other choices are available other than yours though. Which is a relief.

I think @53rdWay is completely right

It's hardly rude. You made a statement, I disagreed with it I even did the British thing of saying sorry first But nevermind, it's Christmas Eve and I have to go eat cheese. Hope you find a solution that suits you, OP, and that he steps up when the time comes and is a good man apart from this. Good luck!

a good man apart from this.

What a prat. Maybe Santa will bring you the gift of open-mindedness.

Hope not. I've asked for a pitchfork.

I had an extremely relaxed planned c-section with my DD, so DH not being there or finding x or y distressing was never really a consideration.

Were I to aim for a natural delivery next time around, which is a possibility, I actually don't know whether I would really be desperate to have him there.

He's an immensely emotional, sentimental type - the sort you'd imagine would instantly be in floods when the first inch of the baby emerged from the vagina/abdominal incision - but when we talked in depth about the birth experience many months later, he admitted that he just felt slightly dazed all day, powerless during the preparation, even more dazed as she was born, and in a sort of drained fugue state for the next couple of days. He didn't actually find the birth itself a hugely emotional experience. It was about 4 or 5 days later that the vast, torrential flood of love (and accompanying emotional incontinence!) occurred.

He's said he would be curious to see a natural delivery, and would be perfectly happy either way to be there, but that if he happened to miss it for some reason (speedy labour and he couldn't get to the hospital from work in time, etc) he wouldn't honestly feel that it was the end of the world.

Also - and again, this feels strangely uncharacteristic since I'm usually very blasé about general indignity and have an exhibitionist streak - I'm not actually sure I'm that crazy about him seeing me potentially holler and vomit and tear and crap myself. I don't think it would be a huge problem for him sexually, IYSWIM, but although I'm not against him being there for a natural delivery in principle I can't swear that it might not affect me in that psychological department.

Truthfully I would probably think less of a man that point black refused to attend the birth of his child for trivial reasons. But I don't think they should be made to, nevertheless, and I am tentatively surprised so many people are so relaxed about the potential psychosexual fallout of insisting reluctant partners be present.

Fatherhood is for life, not just one day. Men miss the birth of their children for all sorts of reasons, doesn't necessarily make them useless. Women need supportive birth partners, not men guilt tripped into being there.
Work with him, and line up a back up just in case.

Oh, and my father - who is an altogether more macho character than my DH - was also absent for the births of me and all my younger siblings, but he a) said, candidly, that he was concerned of the psychosexual fallout (disclaimer, he's French!) and b) said it was magical to leave one person in a room and return to find two. My mum was also not keen on having a partner there, said she suspected it would make her feel somehow more sorry for herself and less focused on the matter in hand, so it worked for them.

If he is very anxious - which isn't his fault or a deliberate choice- then having him there may make you more anxious and disrupt your ability to produce oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone which helps regulate (and make more effective) contractions and move the labour on. A calm birth supporter is a huge benefit to a woman. Have you considered having a doula with you OP?

A very good point Sewingbea.

Some people are good at stewing quietly, others it's far too palpable to ignore and that could be quite deleterious oxytocin-wise for a labouring woman.

If accessible I think a doula is a great idea.

OP, I can imagine this must feel very upsetting for you and have knocked the wind out of your sails. You are in no way unreasonable to have been expecting his full support during the birth.

It would be worth talking to him more to find out more about why he feels as he does. I remember reading an article about men who have suffered PTSD after witnessing their partners go through traumatic births. I think they cited how helpless they felt as a key factor. In some cases it's more about seeing your partner in pain and feeling unable to help than about being squeamish.

If this is the case for him, but you were to explain that in fact him being there and advocating for you throughout would be a huge help, hopefully he would feel reassured and you would feel he was there willingly and gladly.

But the only way to work through all that is to talk to him - how is he at that?

Otherwise, if you feel like you want someone you are close to with you then I would say you're right to look for another birth partner. Is there anyone you feel you could ask? You could also have them there on standby along with your husband, so that if you are finding his presence unhelpful you are not suddenly alone. Some people hire a doula as a "professional" and experienced birth partner.

For what it's worth, when it came to the pushing stage I wanted to be completely alone. I'd had a friend and family member (I'm not with my child's father) who were a great support during the early stages, but later I just wanted to be alone to get on with it. So it's possible once in the thick of it you might even rather be alone than have him there.

My DH has always professed to be super squeamish. I gave him the choice of whether or not to be in the delivery room when our babies were born and it turned out that he wasn't so squeamish after all. He chose to stay there with me, as I knew he would. He sat through two vaginal births and one caesarean and didn't waver at all. He didn't want to cut the umbilical cords, but that is fine. I didn't want him to either.

Before anyone jumps on me, I was just as happy to give birth alone as with him present. It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest.

53rdway how patronising to tell me birth is an emotional experience.
I know!
I had to have an emergency C section and at that point was irrelevant. My partner was with me up to C section and he was fine. no problems but i have heard differently from friends....so I wondered.

Thanks everyone for the broad range of opinions and advice, was just what I was looking for. Given it's my first child, and not at all knowing what to expect, I did have an expectation hubs would want to be there.

So yes, it look me very much by surprise and its really hard to see it from his perspective given I'm 1) full of hormones 2) everyone I know had their partners in the room.

I haven't had a chance to calm down to get all the reasons (I'd be too emotional to have an effective chat) and I don't want to have this chat with him in a hyper emotional state, so I'll take a few days before sitting him down.

I'm also booking a chat with a doula so I'm a bit better informed, because if hubs reasons actually make sense and would get in the way of an easier labour, maybe its best he isn't in there. So will listen to his reasons and find a way forward. He's a really loving person and a good man in loads of ways, and I have 15 weeks to work it through

Thanks again,

Faith

There was a really interesting discussion on woman’s hour this week about this. Have a different viewpoint about men present at the birth of their child. It’s not as simple as men not being supportive/ interested/there for their partner.

I’m sure there’s some readers h that showed that birth goes better if the mother is just supported by women and not a male partner.

Ask your mum/ sister/ best friend.

how patronising to tell me birth is an emotional experience

Well you asked if people had experienced any ‘emotional fallout’ from having partners there. In my case, yes he found it pretty terrifying. But he didn’t suggest that he not be there for the birth even if I’m sure he’d have rather been at home with a book (as would I). So would that then not count? Is there a different kind of emotional fallout that might have happened to him had he tried to stay at home and I’d said “no really, I want you with me”? How would I be able to tell?

Plenty of partners find birth traumatic, upsetting, gory and with longlasting emotional fallout, but would still be there in a heartbeat if being there was helpful to their partners. The idea that the person going through the labour should put the feelings of the one not going through it above theirs sounds a bit bonkers to me. Up there with “DH doesn’t like epidurals”.

A good parent is so much more than who is in the birthing suite.

are men able to take it all on the chin and happy to have sex and be ok?

Well we had another baby so if he was repulsed by having seen me give birth to his child he hid it well