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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Hubby doesn't want to be in delivery room

79 replies

auslass · 24/12/2019 12:59

Hi,

Just had hubby tell me he's not sure he wants to be in the delivery room to see his daughter be born.

He didn't go into too much detail, to be honest the revelation was a little upsetting so I didn't want to spend time getting really upset.

Is this normal? I read lots of men just do it because it's expected not because they want to.

What I'm really wondering, is should I find another birth partner if he really doesn't want to be there? I'm now thinking I'll have it my head that he doesn't want to be there, and its going to cause me anxiety, which is probably the last thing I'm going to need when in labour.

Feeling pretty sad about it, any honest comments and advice welcome x

OP posts:

IdleBet · 24/12/2019 13:26

My EX was adamant beforehand he didn't want to be at the actual birth. He was squeamish
As it turned out he came in and never raised the issue when the time came.
I think it was fear of the unknown.
He was a bag of nerves but pretty supportive.

JacquesHammer · 24/12/2019 13:32

What does it say about his feelings for his partner and child?

That rather depends on the reasoning doesn’t it?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 24/12/2019 13:34

DH wasn't there when DS was born. He had a hospital phobia. We agreed that my mum would come with me and he would stay at home with DSS. It worked for us, but then it wasn't as expected then for men to be there.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 24/12/2019 13:35

I think you need to find out the actual reason why. As PP have said there is a vast difference in reasons.

Is he frightened of what’s going to happen? Seeing you in pain? Being a pain himself? Or just not interested? You need to have an open and honest discussion with him.

My DH came into theatre with me when I had my eggs collected for ivf. I had ‘light’ sedation that did fuck all I was wide awake knew exactly what was going on and it was horrendous. He was sat at my head trying to be supportive but in reality what could he do? Poor bloke isn’t weak stomached at all or overly dramatic but he nearly passed out. I think the fact it was the first time he’d seen me in genuine prolonged pain, could see the huge needle they were using to pierce my ovaries repeatedly and then see the resulting blood/egg they sucked out it was all a bit much for him and I don’t blame him.

However I am now pregnant from that resulting procedure and he is planning on being in the delivery room firmly at the head end. We did nct classes and I think that has helped not only me but also him in what to expect and what partners can do to help during the process. He also wants to do skin to skin with the baby when he is born if all ok. All of this has been born out of some honest conversations.

Sit him down and find out what’s going on in his head and reason it out.

Besidesthepoint · 24/12/2019 13:35

We discovered that our daughter would be stillborn and DH's first reaction was that he didn't want to be there because he didn't want to see her dead. He changed his mind after a talk from a doctor about what to expect. They also said that he could be there but they could screen off the baby if necessary. It was fear on his part more than anything and the talk helped. In the end he saw the baby before I did (from a safe distance).

There is a reason he doesn't want to be there, you need to know why and see if it is a valid reason for him. You also need to decide if you want support. If you do you might want to arrange to have a family member, friend or doula also present. You and the baby are important, so arrange what you need. That way his presence is optional and doesn't need your headspace.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 24/12/2019 13:45

@Besidesthepoint I’m so sorry this is heartbreaking

DreamingofSunshine · 24/12/2019 13:51

@Besidesthepoint I'm so sorry.

DH fainted during my c-section and has always been squeamish about surgery/blood etc. He tried to be there but we've said if there's another it'd be better to have my Mum in there. I can't see the point in him suffering and worrying he will faint is more stressful for me.

Sweetpeach3 · 24/12/2019 13:51

I don't know what to say op

Maybe he doesn't think he's going to be much help to you? (As much as you know he will) he could be overwhelmed at the thought of it all or incase something went wrong he'd be no good at all
Have to think he's probably got all kinds going through his head but men tend to keep it quiet

I wish my DP didn't want to come in for this one. He's no use at all he sits in the corner white as a sheep as he can't handle blood and he's one selfish prick when it comes to me being in pain he just sits on his phone blanking it out but I need someone at home with the other dc. Can't win
Just ask him straight why not xx

goldfinchfan · 24/12/2019 13:54

Don't force him. For some men it becomes an issue afterwards.
In that case it can affect your sex life.
Have a supportive person with you not partner who really doesn't want to do it.

i don't agree it is his job. afterwards he will help you as an equal but the fact is it is not an experience all men want and why should it be forced onto them?
That is as crazy as the other extreme when men were kept out of the delivery room.
Make it an equal choice, not an equal task.
I wish you well with your birth.

53rdWay · 24/12/2019 13:57

but the fact is it is not an experience all men want and why should it be forced onto them?

Being in labour wasn't an experience I much wanted myself either, but turns out that one of us had to go through it so the least the other one could do was provide a bit of support.

Likewise I've sat with DH waiting for scary medical results to come through, just to hold his hand and be supportive. Wasn't a thrilling fun experience for me, but that's not why I was doing it.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 24/12/2019 13:58

He's just said that he's "not sure" he wants to be there. You need to discuss it with him - perhaps he thinks he will see more than he wants and just needs reassurance that he can say up the head end and not see anything (TBH, I wouldn't want to see anything and I've had 3 children!)

The person who supports you through the birth doesn't have to be the father, there may be people better suited it.

Talk to him. Don't be like the people who have just name-called and dismissed him as unsupportive and unloving.

Lunafortheloveogod · 24/12/2019 14:01

DP has medical based anxiety, he cannot do blood, vomit or shit.. seriously he’ll puke at a skid mark and he’s been that way since he was a child. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be there for DS’s birth.. I was told I could have two so I took DM as well so he could step out at any point or go n faint in the loo without anyone watching, I only asked he didn’t puke on me. He eventually confessed about a week before he’d only ever seen labour on telly a lot of screaming n chaos so was terrified and didn’t want anything to go wrong and be left to decide between me and the baby.. I reassured him that was really not likely to happen and very much a movie scene type situation.. and that I’d be conscious for the entire event in most situations.

He came but didn’t go to theatre as that was a rushed decision he wasn’t sure and I’d rather he quietly panicked in a corridor than loudly with me. DM came and a nurse popped her head out to shout him we were all ok and ds’s weight.

This time he’s coming solo.. dm will have ds so he’s no choice but he’s more relaxed knowing what happened and that I don’t scream like I’m being torn in two the whole time.. I just tell him off for eating.

nearlythere12 · 24/12/2019 14:05

tbf DH found my labour with DC1 very hard. He was incredibly anxious & even though he had been with me through 2 operations he really struggled to cope with seeing me in such pain. I was possessed! back to back labour with no pain relief will do that to you.

he's incredibly hands on, does all the nappies at the weekends & most nights was up at some point even though he had work.

XXJingleBelle · 24/12/2019 14:10

Any chap happy enough to participate in the creation of his child should be happy enough to show up for delivery, it is the least he can do! I would certainly be organising back up support if there is any doubt though.

@Besidesthepoint you and your DH.

goldfinchfan · 24/12/2019 14:15

have all of you pushing for forced support by partner had no issues afterwards with your partners?
are men able to take it all on the chin and happy to have sex and be ok?
Are you all saying that there were no emotional after effects?
Do any of the men faint or be be sick which is not much fun for the nurses who then have 2 people to look after as well as baby.
I am a bit shocked with the harsh attitudes of" I didn't like it and I have to do it."

53rdWay · 24/12/2019 14:17

are men able to take it all on the chin and happy to have sex and be ok?
Are you all saying that there were no emotional after effects?

Yes there were 'emotional after effects' from the birth of our child. It's an emotional experience.

There were emotional after effects from when DH was waiting for some scary medical results and I waited with him and held his hand, too. Are you interested in whether this put me off him sexually? Because the thought didn't really cross my mind to tell you the truth.

Expressedways · 24/12/2019 14:18

My DH is super squeamish about all medical stuff and was very unsure. In the end he did manage to come in for my ELCS which was very calm. If I’d chosen a VB instead then I probably would have chosen someone else as a birthing partner. What matters is who you think will be the best support for you. Talk to your DH and find out why he feels this way.

JustASmallTownCurl · 24/12/2019 14:37

the fact is it is not an experience all men want and why should it be forced onto them?

I don't think women who go through labour are particularly keen on the level of pain that it causes. But they and their partner both want to have a baby. And being a man supporting your partner through such a painful experience probably isn't quite as uncomfortable as pushing a life out of your body.

Are you all saying that there were no emotional after effects?

I'm pretty sure there were emotional effects when we found out I had brain damage after my car crash. But funnily enough my other half was there at my bedside because he's not a dick. Probably a good idea to approach life as a team when you're creating a new human being you'll be taking care of for the rest of your lives.

XXJingleBelle · 24/12/2019 14:37

"forced support from a partner" would make that person not a partner - more a fairweather friend so yeah divorce could be a big after effect!

Celebelly · 24/12/2019 14:39

I would find this very upsetting. Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to because it's important to the other person and we love them. My husband wouldn't have dreamt of not being there, purely because he wanted to be with me when I needed his support.

WatchingTheMoon · 24/12/2019 14:40

I can't believe some women are saying this is OK because he might be squeamish or find it hard.

Diddums.

I'm squeamish but sadly I don't have the option to opt out.

Celebelly · 24/12/2019 14:40

Also I ended up with an emergency section and DH was there the whole time. It would have been a totally different (and worse) experience without him.

Yetanotherwinter · 24/12/2019 14:41

There was an segment on the Jeremy Vine show recently about this. Absolutely loads of men saying they were absolutely traumatised by what they’d seen. Many of them didn’t want to have sex with their partners anymore, some had depression, ptsd and other issues.

If he’s already telling you he doesn’t want to be there you can hardly force him or put him under pressure can you. Just find someone else to support you.

I would be disappointed in my husband if he said this. Fortunately my husband was there, but it was a c section birth so very calm and controlled. I don’t see what option you have but to accept what he says.

All those telling him to get a grip won’t have to live with him if you force him and he reacts badly.

nearlythere12 · 24/12/2019 14:43

I would faint if attending a CS & not want to be a birthing partner.

user1480880826 · 24/12/2019 14:44

He thinks he can just opt out? Pathetic. I would be finding a different birth partner and a different father for my child.

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