Does anyone else feel like this about their caesarean?

[NCKitten]

I had a planned Caesarean because my baby was breech. Five months on, I still struggle with the fact that I never went into labour. I genuinely feel like I did not give birth to my baby, and that I am not really mother/ other women are more of a mother than I am. I keep having to remind myself that the world can't tell how my baby was born and that it makes no difference now he's here. But it's still really tough

I understand this might sound completely ridiculous to those who have had difficult or even traumatic vaginal deliveries, but I can't help feeling the way I do.

I had a life saving c-section and I have to say I don’t feel any familiarity with what you’re saying. I’d much rather be alive to raise my child than dead from a natural labour - which is what would have happened if the doctors hadn’t intervened. I feel nothing but gratitude to have been given the opportunity to survive and be a mother.

Motherhood isn’t measured by the minutes you spend squeezing a baby out of your vagina. It’s measured by the weeks, months and years you spend actually being a mother. C-section mothers are mothers. Adoptive mothers are mothers. I’m a mother, and so are you, and so are millions like us.

DD was born by ELCS as she was transverse. Labour would almost certainly have killed her - I was kept in hospital for 10 days before she was delivered just in case I went into labour (I didn't).

A new midwife-led unit had just opened at our local hospital, and it was heavily promoted at antenatal classes. I was a bit sad not to be able to utilise it. However a few years earlier I'd lived for a time in a country where rural health care was abysmal. Almost every woman I asked had lost a child (not always as a baby). That helped me be grateful to have access to facilities which enable DD to be born safely (she was born in the UK). A safe delivery ending in a healthy mother and baby is the aim, anything else is window dressing.

Other people have told me unpleasantly that I 'did not give birth', but, other people's issues are their own -- my CS, without which my son and I would have died, left me weak with gratitude for modern medicine. And, I must admit, rather impatient with the negativity towards non-'natural' childbirth absorbed from the NCT teacher.

Go easy on yourself, OP. Are you coping generally?

Tortoise I'm sorry to hear you found yourself in that situation, it must have been very frightening. I am probably taking having a healthy happy outcome for granted a bit. However, I do think there is a considerable difference between an emergency section and a planned one. I agree we are all mothers and how we became them doesn't matter. Rationally. On an emotional level I have all the stuff described above running through my head. I'm glad you don't feel that way (I mean that genuinely, not PA).

Ds was born by emergency c section at 35 weeks because I developed pre-enclampsia and obviously I never went into labour so don't even know what that feels like.

In the beginning I felt very cheated that I never got to experience what other mums went through and when I used to go bitch and titch groups I never really talked about how I gave birth I just listened to the others talk about theirs.

However as time went on it didn't really bother me and 15 years later I feel quite thankful that I didn't go through labour. A couple of years ago I needed to have the coil fitted and it was horrendous- it had to be done in hospital with gas and air. The consultant who fitted it remarked 'you can tell you've never had a baby out of there' so I dread to think how I would have coped in labour!

I read a thread on here a few days ago about the horrors your. bits are left in after childbirth and how women struggle on and I honestly feel like I dodged a bullet.

I was induced with DS1 as waters broke but no contractions. Was fairly hideous as an experience to be honest and I'm in no hurry to repeat it. I had an emergency section in the end and was just glad not to be in pain anymore! I'm having an elective section with DS2 and can't say I'm the slightest bit sorry to (hopefully!) miss out on labour entirely this time.

I think it might be worth speaking to your GP or health visitor about your feelings OP as it sounds as though it might be a symptom of a wider issue. Your feelings are obviously very real and distressing to you and that is all that matters really. How do you feel generally since your baby was born? Do you feel yourself?

Parthenope yes, I am, now. Didn't enjoy the first two months of motherhood at all but am much better now. I have mental health issues and can be really harsh on myself at the best of times, and this is a particularly emotive topic. Doesn't help I grew up in the Netherlands, where home births are quite common, pain relief in labour is only just becoming a thing and there is very much an attitude of you are supposed to suffer and then tell everyone it was fine really (a friend had her first at home. She was back to back and friend had no pain relief. Bonkers if you ask me, and there was definitely a hint of "but you didn't even try" when I had a caesarean). Dutch Calvinism fucked me up a bit I fear

A planned caesarean for medical reasons isn't the same as an elective c section. Your baby was breech, so your options were limited and medically a c section was the best option for you. What kind of mother you are has nothing to do with how your baby is delivered. No type of birth is more "motherly" than any other. We all do what needs to be done to get our babies born, which is what mums do.

I do know how you feel, my second was an emergency c section at 37 weeks, very unexpected and not at all what I had hoped for. I was a bit stunned that it was happening, I had no hospital bag with me, I was on my own for a fair while as my partner was frantically trying to sort out childcare for my eldest. It all felt surreal. Afterwards I did feel sad that I had not had the chance to labour again, and give birth vaginally (my first was an EMCS too, after a failed labour). But I had no choice. It was the only option, it needed to happen and it just was what it was. My baby was born and so I most certainly gave birth!

I felt more that the baby was taken from me (cleaned weighed etc) so I wasn’t as engaged in the delivery - just a vessel.
They then took her to be bathed, she was screaming, and I had to lie there to be stitched and couldn’t get to her, although her dad went with her to see.

I just felt helpless

It’s not pleasant and they should really change the way things are done so you are involved.

Sunshine cross post. I'm ok, though clearly struggling with these feelings. I have an appointment booked with the birth listening service. Trying not to feel like I'm wasting their time with my planned caesarean (I imagine they were created with traumatic deliveries in mind), it says they're there for all women who had a baby at my hospital.

Assassinated it's still called an elective caesarean, don't even get me started on that...

Green it wasn't quite like that for me, but the screen couldn't be lowered and DS was dried and wrapped up before he was passed to me (apparently he'd get too cold otherwise). They couldn't use our towel (which I'd had skin to skin for several days) as it wasn't sterile. This obsession with sterility is a whole other story...

I know how you feel OP.
I had an EMCS following a period of labour and due to the trauma have blanked out most of it - not remembering DSs cry is the worst, though I'm told I said I could hear him.

For a long time I knew he was mine, I knew I'd had him but I didn't feel like I'd given birth to him.
Almost a year on it matters less than it did but next time I'm considering an elective as I don't ever want to feel this lost again.

I understand how you feel. I wanted a home birth but due to a medical issue was induced with my first. It took days to go into labour and when I finally did things went downhill quickly and I had a EMCS. I was very drugged and couldn't hold her or feed her for a while afterward. I didn't feel I had given birth, and that I had missed out on this female experience that I had limited opportunities to know.

My feelings were somewhat satiated with baby 2. I obviously wanted VBAC and naturally went into labour just after 40 weeks. Got fully dilated, pushed for an hour, but baby was badly positioned so had a spinal and forceps. I couldn't feel myself push him out so there was still this slight feeling of incompleteness, but overall I was much happier with this experience. It was mostly natural and my head was clear.

So you aren't alone in feeling this way, and I do want to say that missing that experience doesn't make you less of a mother x

Yes i did ... its still early days @NCKitten .

It will pass I promise x

I did labour but ended up with a c-section. Sometimes I watch one born every minute and feel a little bit sad that I never will experience what it's like to push (though I'm probably not missing out on much lol). If I had another one, I would go for a c-section again though. So ye, it's something that crosses my mind for seconds once every 6 months or so, but not something I dwell on.

DS was EMCS at 35 weeks and taken away immediately, I saw him at about 3 hours old. I, quite literally, birthed my child even if he had to come out of a different hole. He came out of. My womb where I had grown him as much and as well as I was able. Which wasn't 40 weeks and wasn't without congneital and chromosomal issues but still, I did the best I could and I stepped up and let them ccut me open to save his life.

You did what you needed to do to bring the child you grew from a tiny seed into this world as healthy as you were able. That is all that counts.

Please, if you're struggling, speak to someone in rl - health visitor, doctor, partner xx

What I did feel though was that my body had failed me and if it wasn't for intervention, my baby would have died (and me along with her). For that reason, I felt that I wasn't supposed to have that baby, and that fate didn't want her to be alive. Consequently I suffered pretty severe PND where I was convinced Fate, some sort of grim reaper, was going to re-engineer circumstances to take her away from me. Many years on I can realise that I was highly stressed and her birth was pretty traumatic in many ways. But she's still alive and kicking thank God!

It’s not an obsession with sterility though. It’s a fragile newborn being born in an operating theatre. Sterility is a given. I say this as someone who has sat in a NICU next to large full term babies who had infections after birth and were very poorly.

I had one planned C section (placenta praevia) and one emergency one. I am immensely proud of my scars and both my sons often ask to see the ‘cut cut’ from where they came out of Mummy’s tummy. My mum had a C section with me as well and it has made zero difference to my life or my relationship with my Mum.

When you have a v young baby and hang out with other mums of young babies how you gave birth is a THING. I have a seven year old (the planned one) and honestly childbirth never ever comes up with the mums of his peers. We have other parenting things to discuss.

I don’t mean to dismiss your feelings but since your childbirth wasn’t traumatic or harmed anyone then my suspicion is that one day you will see your child and not think of how they were born (which is hard to do in these early months). I have to say after 2 kids, two lots of weaning, potty training, tantrums, sleep deprivation and what have you, the details of DS1’s birth are not as sharp as they once were.

Potol Our DS was one of those big term babies with an infection. Doesn't detract from the fact that I think it's strange he couldn't be wrapped in our towel, I really don't see how that's harmful when he was being dressed in non sterile clothes hours later.

I feel the same way OP. I wanted a water birth but couldn't due to planned cs. For ages I feel I didn't bond with my baby because I didn't push the baby out and had to wait for several hours before skin to skin etc.

I had a planned section for vasa previa, so the baby wouldn’t have survived any contractions or the waters breaking. Also nearly five months ago.
I feel similarly to you.
It was in w36 and I was nowhere near going into labour so I wonder whether my hormones etc just weren’t ready to have the baby suddenly taken out.
I try to focus on what great care I’ve taken of him since then.
The worst feeling I’ve had is that I somehow won’t get to keep him.

I've had 2 sections, both babies were breech.

I'm so glad I've had sections! I've read some of the stories on here about vaginal births, prolapses, 4th degree tears, being in labour for days etc etc.

Trying to deliver an 8lb breech baby vaginally? No thanks. I've had the odd comment about too posh to push and have read them the riot act about uterine tears, etc.

I don't feel less of a woman for not giving birth vaginally. It ever even crosses my mind. I'm too busy wrangling the kids, parenting and trying to get on with things!

Hi @NCKitten

Congratulations on your baby. You are 100% that baby's mum and to your baby you are the best mum in the world. It's been scientifically proven that your baby prefers your voice, your smell, your touch to any other in the world.

What you are describing can sometimes be a symptom of PND. Have you had a chat to a professional about it?

I had a c-sec because my baby was breach. Sometimes I feel sad about it, but overall I am so glad that my baby and I came through safely, despite a condition that would have resulted in one or both of our deaths for so much of history. Labouring etc is just one part of being a mum and I don't think it's anymore profound than the millions of other mum things you do with your baby every day.

Be kind to yourself. Kiss that gorgeous baby on the cheeks and think how wonderful you are for growing him and keeping him well.

(Also I promise your baby won't grow up to care. I've never heard anyone brag about catching their first glimpse of the world through their mums vaginal canal!)

@NCKitten I missed one of your updates - it is a crappy thing about c-sec that doctors take over and boss you around about things like what to wrap the baby in etc. I really recommend counselling to work through any crappy feelings you have about the birth.

I have had a plsanned c-section which, for medical reasons, had to be performed under general anaesthesia. So I was the last one to see my baby, more unconscious than not due to morphine, unable to take care of him in a rooming-in setting, and with no milk coming through whatsoever. No surprise I'v development PND.

Fast forward 19 months, sertraline and CBT, I carry on ith my days but still don't feel a real mum.

Also, my family tell me I have had the easy way, which doesn't help. I've fallen out with my mum because of this.

So I get you, op.

Please ignore my spelling and grammar!