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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Does anyone else feel like this about their caesarean?

83 replies

NCKitten · 20/02/2019 22:21

I had a planned Caesarean because my baby was breech. Five months on, I still struggle with the fact that I never went into labour. I genuinely feel like I did not give birth to my baby, and that I am not really mother/ other women are more of a mother than I am. I keep having to remind myself that the world can't tell how my baby was born and that it makes no difference now he's here. But it's still really toughSad

I understand this might sound completely ridiculous to those who have had difficult or even traumatic vaginal deliveries, but I can't help feeling the way I do.

OP posts:
Shelbybear · 21/02/2019 18:42

I know what you mean. I felt cheated of "that" moment.

You know when your baby is born and they put him/her on your chest and your just in awe and all emotional.

I was too ill to feel like that was just glad we were both alive.

Mine is slightly different in that I was in labour, was induced on the horrendous drip and had a back to back baby, ended in an emergency section. Believe me you didn't miss out on anything there! The pain was way worse than I had ever imagined it would be. Maybe just as well I didn't get to the pushing part!

Hailthelime · 21/02/2019 18:43

I had an emergency c section 1st time round and felt like this. It passes. Second time around I had an elective c section out of fear of a natural delivery. Years later I don't give a xxxx. I also think well at least everything is nice and tight down there! That's a positive! The only thing that matters is a safe delivery x

MuchTooTired · 21/02/2019 18:48

I felt like this too. My DTs are ivf babies, and I beat myself up for months that I couldn’t get pregnant, give birth or feed them naturally, and was really quite horrible to myself.

99.9% of the time now, I couldn’t give a monkey about it. I’m their mother, DT2 was breech and had a little bit of a tricky start when she was born so I’m certain I made the right decision for us all, and anyone who tells me I’ve cheated or implied I was lazy choosing an elcs (there’s been a few!) get told to shove it!

SinkGirl · 22/02/2019 07:58

I can’t even look at photos of those moments where women are holding their babies when they’re born, whatever type of delivery they’ve had.

While I was being stitched up they were working on my boys, as I was being wheeled out I saw the top of one of their heads. I was kept downstairs for nearly 8 hours until I was able to go and see them. And I still couldn’t hold them.

They both have ASD and I worry all the time that being separated from them so much in the early days has damaged them somehow.

Hollowvictory · 22/02/2019 08:02

No i never felt like that. Twins so was planning a c section anyway but ended up having an emergency one.
After 5 years of ivf I was just delighted to finally have my babies and I really don't care how they got here.
I can't understand your way of thinking at all it seems tremendously ungrateful!

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2019 08:07

Gosh, I had an emergency c section, pre eclampsia, inducing didn't work, I had no desire to go through the pain of labour and a vaginal birth anyway, I don't see it as something like a badge of honour, simply whatever was easiest and best for my baby. Didn't breast feed because I didn't wish to.

Am I any less of a mother for it. I think my daughter would laugh in anyone's face who suggested it.

Being a mother is about way more than the mechanics. I'd wonder if maybe you have a touch of post natal depression.

Hollowvictory · 22/02/2019 08:08

Yes it does sound like post natal depression

Original poster
NCKitten · 22/02/2019 09:04

@Hollowvictory. Nowhere, absolutely nowhere, have I said that I am ungrateful for having a healthy baby. I am not sure how that seemed like an appropriate thing to say when I've said I am struggling with one particular aspect of becoming a mother. Everyone is different, and it's not an either/or: I am grateful that safe Caesareans exist for women in my situation. Doesn't mean I can't wish I had had a cephalic baby and a straightforward vaginal delivery instead. Jeez.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 22/02/2019 09:15

If you had a vb you may be wising you did not have a 30 hour labour, or stitches, or a prolapse, or whatever.
Read up on happiness and how you make your own, change your thinking!

Original poster
NCKitten · 22/02/2019 10:01

I wouldn't be wondering what a caesarean is like thoughConfused but clearly in your book I should just be happy. It's not always that easy, and judging by this thread my feelings are not that unusual. I'm glad you don't feel the same way. I do.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 22/02/2019 10:03

How do you know you would not be wondering what a c section is like? You may well be.

SinkGirl · 22/02/2019 10:05

I can't understand your way of thinking at all it seems tremendously ungrateful!

Yes it does sound like post natal depression

How can you think OP is ungrateful and also acknowledge that she’s likely struggling with PND?

I am of course beyond grateful that my twins are alive since that was almost not the case. Doesn’t mean I didn’t find their birth and long nicu stay traumatic. I am not ungrateful in the least, I am incredibly grateful to the professionals who saved my son’s life with their swift action and by being cautious. I still have immense sadness about the things we missed out on and how that may have affected them. I’m sad that my children have disabilities that mean we have a very different journey to others. I still love them utterly and celebrate every tiny achievement. Things are not as black and white as you’re implying.

Georgiemcgeorgeface · 22/02/2019 10:07

I understand exactly how you feel I was the same. I had an emergency section under GA at 39 weeks. Didn't even go into labour. So I never experienced contractions even. I felt devastated actually. You spend 9 months preparing yourself for labour and birth so I think it's perfectly normal to feel upset of you didn't get to experience it. I still feel sad that I'll never have that experience.
Of course I'm grateful that I am well and my baby was healthy. But I get you x

Original poster
NCKitten · 22/02/2019 10:08

Oh and I do have stitches, just not in my vagina. And quite possibly a prolapse too (9lb baby and lots of amniotic fluid).

@Sinkgirl Flowers I suspect you know this, but there is no way your sons' ASD was caused by their separation from you in the early days! It's a neurological difference that develops in the womb. It is absolutely not your fault, and least of all due to poor parenting.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 22/02/2019 10:12

I had sections to avoid birth and damage so I can't relate to what you're saying, infact I feel so so lucky to have not had to give birth!

Original poster
NCKitten · 22/02/2019 10:13

@Hollowvictory. Because I have had major abdominal surgery before, which was horrible. It's also not exactly a uniquely female experience to have surgery.

You seem to be on a mission to convince me I am wrong. I suggest we agree to disagree: we have different feelings. I have already said that I am glad you don't feel the way I do. It would be nice if you could find enough empathy to see that other people might struggle with something you find easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCKitten · 22/02/2019 10:16

@Cookpassbabtridge different strokes for different folksSmile I hope it wasn't too difficult for you to get your Caesareans.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 22/02/2019 10:17

Enjoy your baby and how lucky you are to have it

HoustonBess · 22/02/2019 10:21

I imagine labour as a kind of mountain, there's a dark painful struggling uphill side then you get to the top and see the sun and the euphoria and it's glorious. Not having that gives you a sense of loss.

I had an EMCS after a long labour, so I feel I was climbing on the dark side but never got the sunny bit. It's an unbalanced feeling. I think with an elective it's more like a flat landscape and you feel like you've missed out a bit on the climb and the view.

But---

  • there's no guarantee you would get the sunny bit. Plenty of vaginal births are traumatic and less than glowy
  • Anyone who makes out CS is an easy option obviously was never cut open while awake then cared for a newborn plus early maternal hormone changes etc while recovering from major surgery
  • ultimately with motherhood you go through what comes your way, whether that's a sick baby or whatever. You've 100% not failed, you're just dealing with the hand that was dealt you. This stuff is not fair, it's not about what you deserve or are worth, it's just about getting through.

Mode of birth will seem much less important as time goes on. Be kind to yourself, OP! Flowers

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/02/2019 11:48

Enjoy your baby and how lucky you are to have it

Sorry but that's not helpful in the slightest. It's not that simple because if it was the OP wouldn't be posting would she. Five months on from my first c-section, I didn't believe the baby I was looking after was mine and I jumped every time the doorbell rang in case it was his "real" parents come to take him away. I'd love to hear your practical advise as how I could have got past that in the blink of eye.

Your life experiences have affected your feelings, perhaps the same is true for the OP.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/02/2019 11:54

Anyone who makes out CS is an easy option obviously was never cut open while awake then cared for a newborn plus early maternal hormone changes etc while recovering from major surgery

That's a big part of my issue with mine and I think unless I'm confusing posters, the OP's too. Mine didn't hurt. Both times I got out of bed within 5-6 hours and didn't need pain relief at all. With my 2nd I was doing the 3 mile round trip preschool run with the pram at week 2. I felt like a total fraud. 24 hours after dc1 was born, I was accused of lying about his mode of delivery by a NICU nurse who didn't want to me to stay sat in the comfortable c-section chair because I could walk with my back straight and I wasn't going back to the ward for the drug rounds. Mentally I was a complete and utter mess, not understanding why everyone wanted to me sit looking at a doll in an incubator but physically I was fine. The 2nd time around I was terrified in case I'd remembered it wrong or the pain had just been drowned out by the emotional side but again it didn't hurt.

HoustonBess · 22/02/2019 14:08

@dinosauratemydaffodils my CS didn't hurt that much either! It just took a long time to feel like my body was my own again.

lljkk · 22/02/2019 14:42

There's something hormonal in this, I suspect.

If you were missing a hand-2 eyes-2 ears, you wouldn't feel any less human. At least, I don't commonly hear that. Friend has a genetic disease that is screwing over her body but she never mentions how malfunctioning she gets other than as an annoying burden.
As soon as the ... perceived deficiency is something reproductive, people take it super personal and as a sign of invalid sex identity or non-functionality.

It baffles me.

DwayneDibbly · 22/02/2019 14:51

I had an ELCS and whilst I do marvel at the fact my PFB actually came out of my body, I don't feel my experience is any less than the next woman - although I did have something of a traumatic time afterwards, so perhaps that's my way of getting involved in the war stories?

I know my friend really struggled, after her caesarean, to feel like her DC was hers, and she ended up experiencing PND and it totalled her relationship with her DP. So I sympathise completely with what you're saying, based on my experience of my friend.

She said it was almost like disassociation, and when they gave her the baby to hold she felt bewildered, almost as if they were randomly asking her to care for a strange baby.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/02/2019 15:38

She said it was almost like disassociation, and when they gave her the baby to hold she felt bewildered, almost as if they were randomly asking her to care for a strange baby.

I think that's a common feeling. I wonder if watching them come out without the drape helps.

The difference for me between dc1 who I saw for the first time around 10-15 minutes post arrival all clean and wrapped up and dc2 who I watched come out of me bit by bit was immense. Dc1 it took me months (more than 6) to feel that he was mine, dc2 I felt this insane burst of love the second I laid eyes on her which was whilst she was mostly inside of me.