Does anyone else feel like this about their caesarean?

[NCKitten]

I had a planned Caesarean because my baby was breech. Five months on, I still struggle with the fact that I never went into labour. I genuinely feel like I did not give birth to my baby, and that I am not really mother/ other women are more of a mother than I am. I keep having to remind myself that the world can't tell how my baby was born and that it makes no difference now he's here. But it's still really tough

I understand this might sound completely ridiculous to those who have had difficult or even traumatic vaginal deliveries, but I can't help feeling the way I do.

I had an emergency cs first time after several days of failed induction, and a planned cs second time after I refused induction (due to the saga first time round). Both times I had pre eclampsia. I’d planned a vbac for no.2, and had the birth pool all ready at home, but it was not to be. My main feeling was simply that I was very fortunate to have two healthy babies and to have come through reasonably unscathed myself. No, I didn’t experience a natural birth, but who’s to say it would have been an easy, rather than extraordinarily difficult one - no way of knowing which I’d have had, so I don’t spend any time regretting what I don’t know.

I read a thread on here a few days ago about the horrors your. bits are left in after childbirth and how women struggle on and I honestly feel like I dodged a bullet

Yes me too. So, so glad that everything is intact. Some women have ELCS for that reason alone.

Because non sterile clothes may be worn outside the OT. Inside the OT you are also the patient, there is a gaping wound they are trying to close and the risk of infection genuinely remains high.

I had a planned c section as I have scarring in my bowel from Crohn’s disease so it would have been very dangerous for me to push. Maybe it’s because I knew this from very early in my pregnancy but I still feel as though I gave birth even though I never went into labour. I still had the same epidural as many ladies who give birth vaginally, still had a long recovery process and most importantly still had my beautiful baby. I do understand you feeling this way but hopefully as your baby changes and grows you won’t think about this anymore because really the important thing is how much you love them once they’re here.

I had an emergency C-section as my very large back to back baby wouldn't come out, not the planned home birth I wanted. I was just happy to both came out of it after the C-section went wrong.

You feel how you feel and it's perfectly legitimate to feel how you do. What happened gave you a good outcome for you and your baby. Would it be useful to talk to a clinician about the reasons you had a C-section? Having had three vaginal births and one C-section it took for longer to recover from the C-section, its major surgery that you get to recover from while looking after a newborn. It's very difficult for most women.

I had a planned cesearean too for my second child recently, my first birth was natural. I feel no different about either birth both were hard in there own ways and the 9 months of carrying the baby is also toughwork.

Perhaps it’s worth you seek some counselling.

I am sure you are an amazing mum and no matter how your baby came into the world they are safe, healthy and very loved.

Good luck

OP I had an undiagnosed breech and 32 hours of very early but very painful labour, felt like a pole was being shoved up me hoo-har but was only 2cm when we finally went to hospital because baby pooped, and then they found he was breech. I had planned a home water birth and the closest I got was the two and a half hours I spent in the bath at 2.30am on the second day. When I got to hospital they initially said they would be putting me on the drip which was my worst nightmare, before discovering he was breech and taking me down to theatre. I did cry when I made the decision to go to hospital as I didn't know if I was just copping out, and I cried when the taxi arrived, and I cried when we got to the hospital, but the moment they confirmed merconium, and the moment they said he was breech, I knew I had made the right decision and any doubt was gone.

If anyone ever tells you you're not the same mum because you didn't give birth or push them out, remember that you made a huge sacrifice, undergoing surgery, being cut open, for your baby's safety.

The only way I do feel cheated by the csection is that nobody tells you just how difficult it will be, emotionally and physically. I struggled with the idea of how wrong it could have gone, how I had to pretty much decide myself to go in, when my midwife was clearly taking far too a holistic approach when I believe she should have told me in her clinical opinion I needed to go to hospital (not 'oh we'll just keep an eye on things). Then I found out baby was actually breech from at least 28 weeks when I had a scab and lost it with the company who had in my eyes let me go through the charade of planning a home birth and no matter how much they apologised I wanted to know why and how the mistake happened, they had told me the sonographer interpreted it wrong, I still don't believe them as breech had been ticked on the scan report, then scribbled out, then cephalic ticked.

In addition I wasn't used to being incapacitated, so insisted on getting out and about 3 days post surgery. Then there were the godawful injections.

The thing I feel cheated by is that I felt the csection meant I was walking around in a post surgery, pain and emotional fog and considering this country talks so much about mental health I'm astonished that they don't ensure those having a C-section get counseling to deal with things. I frequently found myself wishing u could press the reset button coz the first four weeks just went to pot and that's time I won't get back x

planned caesarean for medical reasons isn't the same as an elective c section er no, it’s exactly the same, that’s what an elective section is.

I don’t feel like you Op and just posting this so you know it’s not essential to feel second best or that you’ve failed, and in case anyone reading this might be needing a csection.
I’ve had two, planned in advance, medical reasons but not ones that couldn’t have been got round, I just didn’t want the risk. I don’t feel remotely disappointed by my babies births, I’ve never received any judgement about them and it has had no other impact on my life.

I've had two emergency sections and I don't consider myself to have given birth. I no longer see it as an issue though in the way I did after dc1's arrival 4 years ago.

I laboured with both, first I got to full dilation and pushed but dc1's huge head (from dh's family) and my flat pelvis meant that he never descended. They tried to get him out with forceps after 2 hours of pushing but he was caught on bone. I hallucinated through my emcs and passed out for a bit, thought he was a doll when they tried to give me this clean, wrapped up baby about 10-15 minutes after he was born. He went to NICU, I had a breakdown with psychotic elements.

Dc2, as much as I loathed the idea of another c-section I planned an elective because I couldn't cope with trying and failing. Went into labour before hand, was dilating but again all my contractions were in my back and it just felt "wrong". Had a much better "gentle" section experience in which they dropped the curtain just before she came out so we could watch, delayed cord clamping, skin to skin within 5 minutes, all checks/vit K/measurements done later on in recovery. She came out so tangled up in her very long cord (I think it was around her shoulders and neck about 5 times) they said she would have ended up in distress anyway.

I've always imaged birth to be active and I struggle with passivity due to a previous traumatic experience so really it was my worst nightmare. I also felt bad because my recoveries were so easy so I didn't have the pain I felt I should have and that I deserved afterwards.

I had what according to the paperwork was a 'semi elective' CS (suppose I did have a choice - would you like to die or have a c section now? ) and an ELCS. I just feel very grateful that a) DS1 and I are alive and b) DS2 exists as a consequence and I got to avoid the trauma of vaginal childbirth twice! Although I must say given all I'd heard about it being the 'easy' option, it was bloody painful for a lot longer that I'd expected, but at least once I was healed there were no ill effects. I have friends still suffering due to birth injuries more than a decade after they gave birth - the risks of vaginal childbirth are really downplayed imo.

As for feeling like you've not 'given birth', honestly the birth part of having children is a very small part of your lives overall. The years of parenting you will do are the real experience and put that one day into perspective. If you and your baby survived safe and well, how you gave birth has no effect on how your child develops, how well they do at school, the things they enjoy doing with you... If you looked at the children in my sons' school classes, you couldn't tell which were born by c section, which were breastfed (another stick people use to beat mothers with) - it's everything you do afterwards that makes the big difference. Of course knowing this logically doesn't help with your feelings. I'd really encourage you to have counselling or a birth debrief as I know women who have found this really helpful.

I had an EMCS with my first, then I tried to have a planned c-section, but ended up with an EMCS for my second.

I am happy to tell anyone these things - I've had some comments about not really giving birth, but they can get knotted - the baby was on the inside, now they're on the outside, and whilst they didn't come the conventional route, they still had to come out, and it was no more pleasant than a standard birth is (ie, mine were easy, but then my sisters vaginal births were easy, and I spent longer healing than she did)

@Muddysnowdrop what I meant to get across that some women choose to have an elective c section, in advance, without having any physical medical complication that would require it. That clearly isn't the same situation for the woman as being in the situation where you had hoped for/expected a vaginal delivery but are then told at 37 weeks or whatever that you will have to have a Caesarian due to breech or some other complication.

I had an ELCS and was grateful for it (98th centile baby who would have torn me to shreds on the way out) but my best friend felt the way you do. She was desperate to have as natural a birth as possible, minimal pain relief, etc but similarly had to have a CS as her daughter was breech. She was devastated and recovered far more slowly as a result. My advice to you is the same that I gave to her: think about it from your baby's perspective. Do you think your child cares how they came out? And even more to the point, think about the fact that your baby might not have even lived to care if you hadn't had a CS.

I don't understand why there is this belief that you haven't really given birth if you haven't pushed. It just doesn't matter.

I also had a CS due to DD being breech. I never would have chosen to have a c section and felt disappointed but there was little choice in the matter as the hospital policy is (for good reason) not to deliver footling breech babies vaginally.

I hope if I have another DC that I can experience labour so in some respects I do understand however the moment DD was born she could have been delivered in a hammock by a stork and I wouldn't have cared as it all seemed so insignificant once she was here.

I think in time you will get to a similar point but I do think it would be worth you speaking to your GP.

PND manifests itself in many different ways and you may well be struggling unnecessarily with these thoughts.

I had some mental health issues after a stressful first few weeks of DD's life. Talking about it with my HV and GP was the first step in recovering.

I had a section for the same reason and I was really upset when I found out I’d have to have one, however from the moment I had my baby those feelings went. I had a great experience and went on to have another section with my second. I haven’t once felt the feelings that you describe - I don’t feel like I’ve missed out at all.

I felt awful about my first cesearean for the initial year at least, I felt ashamed telling people and I felt I had failed as a Mum. When it came to having my second I opted during labour to have another c section and have never regretted it. How they arrive does not determine what sort of a Mum you are.

assassinatedbeauty it’s rare for women in the UK to have a c section purely through choice - it is not easy to for one thing, and most women do have a medical reason - that may not be the physical reason you are looking for, depression/anxiety/phobias are all also medical reasons! Women who have had losses also often seem to prefer to deliver by c section, as do a fair number of female obstetricians. We don’t need to have a hierarchy or judgement of the reasons why women have sections. Just more pressure.

Another one who had a ELCS because DS was breech. I do understand how you feel OP, and have felt it myself, but not to the same degree. Two comments that people said to me at the time have helped:

1. midwife: "your baby is breech. Yes, we know you want a vaginal birth but if it comes to the worst, forceps don't work on bums."

= there's no shame in choosing the safest option for you and your child.

2. close friend: "there's no easy way of getting that baby out of you, so just get used to the idea that it's going to be shit and painful".

So yes, DS has never seen the inside of my vagina, but I went through major surgery to get him here, with all the associated risks, and I'd do it all over again for the love of that child. THAT'S being a mother.

(And we have the bonus of our foofs not getting split open!)

No I didn’t. Not then or now.

My attitude was that as long as my babies were here safely, then that was all that mattered.

Big plus as well in the fact that my fanny stayed intact!

I now have two beautiful babies aged 8 and 4.

@Muddysnowdrop you're missing my point, which is that there is a big psychological difference between knowing you are going to have a planned c section pretty much from when you know you're pregnant, compared to finding out with two or three weeks to go before due date that an c section is now unavoidable, having hoped for a vaginal delivery.

I'm not making any point at all about hierarchy or judgement.

Only 1 person commented on my lack of giving birth (failed labour, baby in distress, EMCS) and that person had never even been pregnant.

Having been through hell (too far dilated for epidural & only on gas and air) throwing up every 2 minutes I wouldn't want to go trough that again.

Person who commented went on to tear really badly, stitches came undone and had to be re-stitched and sat on an inflatable cushion for weeks because they were too sore to sit down. I imagine peeing on that wasn't fun either. So I'd take my section over that any day,

DS2 was an elective section. I didn't feel any less a mother. My children are both in secondary school, it is a mere memory apart from the scar but it isn't the only one on my stomach (endometriosis op)

You are not a failure, you have a healthy baby. That is the best outcome.

Thank you for your responses everyone! It's good to hear that I'm not alone, but also really helpful to hear from women who've been in the same situation but do not feel the same at all. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or somewhere else, but I've got a birth debrief planned. I'm surprised at the number of replies saying I should get help (ironically I've just been signed off from the perinatal mental health services, it never occurred to me to discuss it there).

I think it doesn't help that I didn't find the recovery bad at all. I had GA and an open incision to have my gallbladder out 10 years ago and that was so much worse to recover from. I had said when I was pregnant I didn't believe a caesarean was as big a deal as it was made out to be, so I guess I feel I got off lightly or something. Not sure where this self imposed need to suffer or struggle comes from... Oh, and the colleague who said "A painfree birth, excellent!" Fuck that, it most certainly hurt!

I had an ELCS booked due to tokophobia. The thought of a vaginal birth fills me with horror - but I still understand what you’re feeling.

I ended up having an EMCS at 35 weeks when one of my twins stopped moving. I didn’t even get to see them until the next morning and it has really affected me (that and the two month nicu stay for the one who was ill). They’re 28 months now and generally I feel better, but the feelings haven’t gone away.

I get how you feel OP. In low moments I'm plagued by feelings of failure. After 5 years of failing to get pregnant naturally I had IVF which worked twice and had 2 cesareans, one emergency and one planned. Sometimes rather than focus on the amazing luck I've had my mind tells me I failed to get pregnant and I failed to give birth so no wonder I'm such a shitty mother. These thoughts are obviously not helpful so I do try to squash them and focus on the positives - I have children, they are alive, I am alive.

Thankfully no one has ever suggested I've not given birth because I had a CS, but I have encountered vile attitudes to IVF that have felt crushing.