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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Feelings of guilt over the birth. Is this normal and will they pass?

87 replies

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 12:24

Hello all mumsnetters. This is my first post so hope everything comes out right!
My DS is 12 weeks old today and while i am feeling good (mostly!)about becoming a parent for the first time, i can't seem to shake these feelings of guilt over how the birth went.
Ended up a vonteuse delivery after 3 hours of pushing and ever since I get these feelings of guilt that I could not give birth properly to my own baby.
Also, and I know that this will sound really stupid, but DS sometimes screams out in his sleep and my DH rather unhelpfully told me that he had heard that babies dream of the birth so now I am paranoid that I have given him nightmares about being forcefully dragged from inside me!!
Cannot bear the thought of having hurt him in any way even though he is a very happy and smiley baby.
Have found myself wanting to have another sooner rather than later just so I can go through the birth experience again to prove that I can do it and I am not a failure!
As the subject says, I just wondered if these feelings are normal and also if they will pass (and when). Don't want them to ruin what is turning out to be the best experience of my life.
Have been a bit of a lurker in the past and have found you all to be a wonderfully caring and wise bunch so looking forward to any replies and advice you may have.

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bobobobs · 07/11/2006 12:30

TBF, don't feel bad about your birth experience, and don't burden yourself with guilt. be gentle with yourself and proud that you have created a happy wonderful new baby.

as far as babies dreaming about birth, sounds like a bit of an old wives' tale so take no notice!

big hugs to you

gegs73 · 07/11/2006 12:30

Don't worry! You did the most amazing thing ever giving birth to a beautiful baby boy. He is there with you and is well and healthy. You should feel very proud of yourself no matter if he was vonteuse or not. I'm no expert but I would have thought that its highly unlikely that his cries in his sleep are to do with birth memories. How a baby is born is in my mind irrelevant, it is the end result which is important.

You sound like a great Mum -just enjoy your baby

lulumama · 07/11/2006 12:33

Tigger ...welcome and hugs......

congratulations on the birth of your little one.....

I have a similar story to yours... and it has a positive ending!

My DS was born by emergency c.s after a failed induction....my feelings of guilt, and of being cheated were uppermost in my mind virtually as soon as he was born.. i failed my body had failed him....and i was a crap mum because i couldn't give birth properly.

So i understand where you are coming from.

I think your baby is unlikely to be screaming because he is reliving his birth (!) , more likely a tummy pain, or a bit of wind..DD used to do that!!

If he is a happy smiley baby...i don;t think you need worry about him being traumatised by the birth...and DH needs to keep those sorts of opinions to himself..they do not help anyone!

You could look at it as a bit of a hand with the birth..rather than him being forcefully dragged out...you almost got him there yourself..just needed a bit of a hand....like when you sit in a comfy chair..and can;t quite get up..and someone grabs your hand to help you !!!!! rubbish analogy..but best i can do!

3 hours of pushing is a marvellous effort....and to go through all of that and feel good about being a first time mum is fantastic!

try not to let the last few moments of his delivery upset you......

you dilated and effaced...your uterus contracted efficiently......you did it...just a tiny bit of help right at the end!

Have you had the reasons for the ventouse explained to you..so you are absolutely clear in your mind why it happened? If not, see if you can speak to someone at the hospital about it, maybe the head of midwifery...

if it is really playing on your mind..it might help to talk to a counsellor about it...just to 'put it to bed'...

i had lots of counselling and help after my birth...am glad to see my DD was born 15 months ago.....problem free vaginal delivery with no intervention!

enjoy your baby...focus on how well you did and what a happy boy he is.....and get some help if you need it!

take care!

Blu · 07/11/2006 12:40

Congratulations on your new baby - and your first post!

DS was a ventouse baby after 3 hours of pushing, too. And had scabs on his head from the ventouse, and cried all through the fist night, which I was sure was due to a headache.

I think we are so super-sensitive about every moment being so-perfect for our delicate new babies, and everything feels somehow 'enhanced' in terms of emotional response.

of course you gave birth to your baby, and like the majority (actually) of first time mothers, you justneded a bit of help. That isn't 'failure'! And even if it was, how could you have helped it? Babies are built to be squeezed and squashed during the birth process - Michel odent (I think) says it is actually good for them. Though I do agree from a woman's pov, ventouse can seem very brutal - and it may be that you are projecting your own fear of what happened onto your baby. You may find that writing about it all here helps with getting over it yourself, anyway.

And tell your DH not to be so fanciful. How on earth could we know what babies are dreaming of? Babies murmer, move and cry out in their sleep, it's natural. If anything it MIGHT mean he's a teeny bit hot?

Anyway, i can tell you that after the same kind of birth, DS is now the happiest most relaxed 5 year-old - certainly not traumatised by his birth!

sunnysideup · 07/11/2006 12:40

Hi tigger, just wanted to say that yes, these feelings are totally normal, and as you can already see you are certainly not alone!

I totally know where you are coming from in thinking about another pregnancy in order that you get a chance to 'do it right' - I felt like you sometimes, but me and DH have decided on one child only, which we're all REALLY happy with, so I won't get that chance to do it again...it is quite a powerful feeling though. Just remember that it's a normal feeling and doesn't mean you are actually broody or that you even want another child - that will all become clear to you in time I'm sure. The feelings of wanting to do it again to prove to yourself that you can do it, have certainly faded with me (Ds is four!)

One thing I did to help myself with the feelings of failure was to remind myself that it was thanks to the intervention that I had a child at all....I don't know whether you feel this holds true for you but my DS (and maybe me as well) would have been dead without the medical intervention. We are able to have our lovely, perfect children and there is NO failure in that!

edam · 07/11/2006 12:41

Congratulations! Please try not to let these feelings bother you - you gave birth, you have a lovely little boy that you grew all by yourself (ie pregnancy) and your dh, bless him, is spouting absolute rubbish. If babies were traumatised by the manner of delivery, 25 per cent of the population would be in therapy (given the Caesarian rate)! Ventouse is just a way of helping babies out. It is not a failure on your part!

edam · 07/11/2006 12:42

Blu's right, btw, all that squeezing down the birth canal helps their lungs to work - that's why babies born by C-section have a higher rate of breathing difficulties.

sunnysideup · 07/11/2006 12:44

oh, forgot to say that talking about it with someone is a really good idea - I went for one session with my ante-natal teacher who was really helpful and it was good to talk it all through with someone.

And yes your DH is talking rubbish bless him...where's the research stating babies dream about their delivery? That would have taken some fab interviewing skills to obtain

Original poster

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 12:44

Thanks for the lovely responses. Spoke to the midwife briefly after the birth. He wasn't particularly big (although 8lb13 isn't small!) but was very long. 58cm. The midwife said he appeared to have turned as he was coming down the birth canal and the cord wrapped round his body so therefore no give in the cord as I was pushing. Tried all different positions but contractions were that strong and painful that my legs turned to jelly each time so only position I could maintain was lay on the bed which I had wanted to avoid. Zero pain relief also as I was 8cm dilated when I arrived at the hospital so too late for epidural and gas and air made me sick! Was actually begging them to pull him out by the end as I knew I wouldn't be able to push him out. Think this is why I feel so guilty as I feel I gave up too quickly and that there may have been more I could of done.

OP posts:

lulumama · 07/11/2006 12:48

tigger....you got to 8cm without pain relief........plenty of mums would have bitten of their DHs hand by that point!!!!!! you pushed for 3 hours......i wouldn't say you gave up too quickly...if no give in the cord, then you could have pushed for a day and he still might have needed a bit of help!!!! honestly....you were a trouper!!!

Original poster

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 12:49

Thanks Blu. Think you are right in saying that just putting it out here will help. Feels like therapy! Find the tears running freely reading your responses but also the laughter. Yes DH sometimes doesn't know when to shut up! Its good to know these feelings are normal and also hopefully they will also pass.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 07/11/2006 12:49

tigger, it sounds like you did a fantastic job! you gave birth to a beautiful healthy happy baby and you should be incredibly proud of that.

as for you husband telling you they dream of the birth give him a slap across the ears on my behalf!

if you want some support from women with babies the same age the august post natal thread is a wonderful group of women (so wonderful i stayed with them even though my ds is technically a july baby!) take a look

Original poster

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 12:51

thanks lulumama. I guess its easier to focus on what you do wrong (or think you do wrong) than on what you have achieved. Think that comes with being a woman

OP posts:

Blu · 07/11/2006 12:51

Tigger - you certainly didn't give up too quickly!

With the cord wrapped round his body, it may have been really important to get him out swiftly by that time. Well done!

lulumama · 07/11/2006 12:52

i think the fact you are talking about it and having a good cry & laughing about it is a really positive sign!!!! i think you know , deep in your heart, you did an amazing job and couldn't have done more......you need to allow yourself to revel in what you achieved..!!

as mums though,we always think we could have just tried that little bit harder!! it is part and parcel of motherhood!!

don;t be so hard on yourself!

sunnysideup · 07/11/2006 12:56

agree with last post, don't be hard on yourself.

Remember that you did your absolute best in the situation - it's so easy to think we could have done more...but if you could have done, you would, wouldn't you??!! no good second guessing yourself, just work on believing that you gave your ALL which is what EVERY woman does in labour. x

Original poster

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 12:56

Think I will check that out Pink Tulips. Have lots of friends with babies and while very supportive I am sure it is helpful to talk to others going through what you are at the same time. And I will duly give DH a slap when he arrives home from work
He has a habit of spouting off totally pointless information. I never normally take note, just in this case it happened to hit a nerve. And as i said - kinda knew deep down it was pretty stupid. Just nice to be reassured!

OP posts:

BudaBeast · 07/11/2006 13:06

TBF - you sound like you did really well. NO PAIN RELIEF????????? You deserve a medal!

My DS was forceps as I was just too tired to push him out (and he was only 6lbs 13). DH still waves the BBQ tongs at him asking do they look familiar and he is now 5!! (DS is 5 not DH although he acts it sometimes)

megusta · 07/11/2006 13:29

Tigger, you did brilliantly. i had a similar birth, but only 45 mins of pushing and forceps AND i had an epidural. ds was a bit bashed,but is fine. i think you should be very very proud of yourself. i was screaming i couldnt do it after 10 mins of pushing. you are a trouper and did wonderfully. the waking screaming is no doubt a touch of wind. mine did it too. congratulations on your beautiful baby and award yourself The Golden Uterus for incredible bravery.

Original poster

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 13:29

Thanks for all your lovely, kind and positive responses. Told you all you were a wonderful caring bunch
One final thought. Does the short term memory ever come back?????

OP posts:

Original poster

TiggersBestFriend · 07/11/2006 13:33

The Golden Uterus - wonder what that would look like. And where on earth would I keep it!?!

OP posts:

lulumama · 07/11/2006 13:36

sadly..not....your memory is lost with the placenta!!!!! buy a nice diary and a pen and get ready to write everything down!!!

Toady · 07/11/2006 13:59

Tell your DH to feck off, you sound like you are a wonderful mum.

Toady · 07/11/2006 14:00

sorry had a bit of a bad day!

lulumama · 07/11/2006 14:00

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