Feelings of guilt over the birth. Is this normal and will they pass?

[TiggersBestFriend]

Hello all mumsnetters. This is my first post so hope everything comes out right!
My DS is 12 weeks old today and while i am feeling good (mostly!)about becoming a parent for the first time, i can't seem to shake these feelings of guilt over how the birth went.
Ended up a vonteuse delivery after 3 hours of pushing and ever since I get these feelings of guilt that I could not give birth properly to my own baby.
Also, and I know that this will sound really stupid, but DS sometimes screams out in his sleep and my DH rather unhelpfully told me that he had heard that babies dream of the birth so now I am paranoid that I have given him nightmares about being forcefully dragged from inside me!!
Cannot bear the thought of having hurt him in any way even though he is a very happy and smiley baby.
Have found myself wanting to have another sooner rather than later just so I can go through the birth experience again to prove that I can do it and I am not a failure!
As the subject says, I just wondered if these feelings are normal and also if they will pass (and when). Don't want them to ruin what is turning out to be the best experience of my life.
Have been a bit of a lurker in the past and have found you all to be a wonderfully caring and wise bunch so looking forward to any replies and advice you may have.

I think you can call your hospital's Head of Midwifery and ask to talk through your notes and feelings . They may even have a counsellor trained for the purpose. tbh I hadn't realised how affected I had been by ds' delivery until I had to explain it to an OB/ Gyn when pg with dd 3 years later.

TBF, congrats on hte Birth of your ds!
Sorry the Birth didn't go quite the way you would have wanted, it can be very difficult to overcome a difficult Birth experience, and feelings of guilt are, sadly, normal, if not at all helpfull nor necessary, but we can't always help how we feel, can we!
Maybe you could talk to the Hospital or a m/w and read through your notes, as to understand better why things happened the way they did.
Other than that, talk about it, talk it out of your system basically and also, with times things should be getting easier...!

In DH's defence he didn't say it in relation to the screaming - he just mentioned it one day and it stuck in my head. Although it does sound ridiculous I wonder what they actually do dream about? Thanks for the wonderful mum comment. As i said before, its easier to focus on the problems and to forget just how bloody marvellous we all actually are. Must work on my PMA (positive mental attitude)

Just read your post where you discribe your Birth, and imo, you certainly don't sound like you gave up to quick..not that is of any help or interest for you really, just thought I mention it anyway

TBF, I really felt for you reading your OP.

First of all, what you are feeling is entirely normal and very common - we all idealise how we want our births to be, and if they deviate from that even slightly then it's easy to feel "a failure". I think these feelings are especially strong if you have had a career before the birth and so are used to being in control. I believe there is too much pressure on women to "achieve" a perfect birth, when a lot of the time the reasons for less than perfect births are not in our control (inadequate medical help, baby's size and presentation). This isn't helped by the terminology of childbirth "classes", as if it's something you can swot up for like an exam.

Secondly, you went through far more than most women do, so don't be too hard on yourself! Up to 8cm with no pain relief!!! And three hours pushing!!! Blimey, I know I couldn't do that.

Finally, just bear in mind that in Afghanistan, one in seven women dies in childbirth. The statistics were similar here before modern medicine. So accepting a bit of intervention is not "failing" or "giving in", it's just common sense to give the birth process a helping hand if that's what's needed. If you hadn't agreed to the ventouse, who knows what might have happened?

I don't want to make light of your feelings because I felt the same after my first traumatic birth, but thinking things through, and especially talking them through, will really help. It's great that you are enjoying your ds so much - it only gets better, I promise you! And your feelings about the birth will get better with time too.

Thanks for your post Tutti. Agree that before the pregnancy I was always very organised and had lists for my lists!
Prepared a very clear birth plan which I went over with my DH many times and packed my hospital bag with everything but the kitchen sink. The bag didn't even get opened until 4 hours after DS was born. Gave birth in the T shirt I was wearing when we arrived!
Looking back I think I may have been very naive to expect things to go to plan even tho' I thought I was being opened minded. In reality no amount of research can prepare you for when you actually do the birth thing - it completely took me by suprise and everything I thought i'd learned went out the window. Only thing I did remember was when the midwife said "pant" it meant his head was out. Nicest word I have ever heard in my life

TBF, I had the mother (no pun intended) of all times with my PG and birth. Won't bore you with the details but it culminated in an emergency ceasarian and me saying for months that I had "had" birth, not "given" birth. As time has gone on (DS now 21 months) I have realised it doesn't matter how they come out as long as they are OK. Also, as others have mentioned, not too long ago, both of us would have died had they not whisked him out. Once he was out, we found out his cord was in a knot so had we got anywhere near natural birth, we'd have ended up with intervention probably anyway.
So - I understand how you feel completely and I promise you that it will all fall into place. Time is a great healer xx

My lovely health visitor asked me "Did you go into hospital to have a good birth or a baby?" I looked at ds and stopped worrying about the ventouse delivery.

Tigger - I'm with everyone else on the don't feel a failure and the fact that your DH is talking rubbish.

I too had a similar experience with DS but felt scared by the experience rather than guilty. I had a DD 18 months later but had a c-section that time as the consultant advised the tear I had was at risk of rupturing if I tried for a vaginal birth. I didn't find that was a great solution as, although the birth itself was fantastic, the recovery was hard with 2 little ones.

In 7 weeks time (or thereabouts!) I'll be trying for a vaginal birth with number 3.

TBH I could still cry about DS's birth 4 years on. I think any extreme experience - bereavement, pain, etc. - is like that. You can understand why something happened and be fine about it on the one hand but it can still be upsetting. 12 weeks is no time to get over the birth emotionally and without sounding too annoying you're probably really tired right now (and over-analysing stuff too much) which makes everything worse. Just try to concentrate on your lovely boy and enjoy him.

BTW - my DS was the most laidback baby and toddler too. Now a bit more energetic though...

I think what I meant to say was that I really think everything happens for a reason and you shouldn't worry too much about the details. Your baby was born this way because he had to be. You did not fail, fate intervened to save both of you.
Oh, and huge amounts of WELL DONE for the zero pain relief. Concentrate on that bit! I bet very few women can claim that!

ellceeell...now that would be the point where I would have really thumped anyone who would have dared say anything like that, lol, and I am not an agressive violent person....

Gosh Tigger well done you. My ds was 8lb 13 (and a half!) and I can assure you, that ain't small!

I have a real 'thing' about birth plans actually. Expecting the unexpected would probably be a more appropriate planning exercise!

I like ellceeell's hv's comment. Spot on.

Totally agree - went to hospital to have a baby. Really did not expect to have such strong feelings about how that happened! Must say tho' didn't expect to feel a lot of things that I do now. And I know that many other's have had a much worse birth experience than I have and feel a bit of a fake for worrying about it. Will do as suggested and give myself time and just thoroughly enjoy my little marvel.

Gem13 - is it normal to advise a c section following a bad tear or cut? Just asking as would still like to aim for vaginal delivery if and when number 2 comes along.

TBF, welcome to motherhood and mumsnet!

Just want to agree with everyone else really - you did your best and you needed intervention because of the trapped cord etc - what happened wasn't a reflection on you at all. Actually it makes me feel v uncomfortable that we mothers judge ourselves on how much pain we could take, how long we could push for etc - I couldn't handle the pain at all, and I don't think it makes me a failure or a coward, just someone who doesn't have a great pain threshold.

My dd did the piercing screams in the middle of the night thing too - they know how to keep you on your toes don't they...?

From what I know of these things (which I must admit is precious little), unless there's a damn good reason, they always encourage vaginal deliveries over c-sections. I know quite a few who have had a bad experience first time round and then worried about 2nd time and wanted sections but been talked out of them. I guess if you (and all the medical people involved) know what and why things happened first time round, then you will be more prepared for the 2nd time and therefore more relaxed. My philosophy is that if you've been through the mill once, then it can't be as bad next time because you know what sort of things can happen and you know that you and the baby were OK in the end so you have more confidence and are more open-minded. Does that make sense? Sorry for the waffle, just trying to put this across right.

Hi TBF,
Your birth experience sounds very similar to mine. After reading all the messages, I'm feeling very smug that I got to 8cm without pain relief too!
I had a visit from the midwife when I was in the ward with DD (now 3 weeks), and she told me that if I hadn't pushed so hard for 2 hours (don't know how you managed 3 hours, I was exhausted!), then I would have had a C-section or forceps, as it was only because I'd got DD so far down that they could use ventouse. Could it be the same for you?
I also wanted to tell you that in the post-natal wards there were lots of signs about counselling about the birth if you needed it. Maybe there's something similar in your hospital.
Congratulations on the birth of DS!
Mrs TM

you should not have any need for a c section because you had a bad tear or cut..... ! you have no medical reason you could not deliver vaginally ...you did deliver vaginally.

a c.section is major surgery...and is ( or should ) be offered when there is a valid medical reason for a vaginal delivery not to take place

having had a c.s and then a vaginal birth... i know which one i would choose again!

TBF, and that:
"Really did not expect to have such strong feelings about how that happened! Must say tho' didn't expect to feel a lot of things that I do now."
is exactly why I personaly really hate those comments along the line...what did you go into Hospital for the Birth or the Baby, or what matters is that you and the Baby are alright (define alright)....to me that says...it doens't matter how you got out of it, you did (and for me personally that could not have been wronger if they tried...yes, ys and I both are fine...but emotionally it took me a long time to heal from our experience, and I think I have a right to feel what I do feel, no matter how inconvinient this might be for others)
Sorry, not ranting at you or anything.....!
But, those feelings are why I said I would have thumped that HV...

babies dream of smells and norks and milk and snuggles

congratulations on the birth of your son

have to agree with 3andnomore....it was the very fact my HV did not acknowledge my feelings re DSs birth and LISTEN to me..that my PND was missed for so long.......

of course.... a healthy, safely delivered baby is the best outocme...but it does not do anyone justice to overlook the mothers feelings about the birth...especially when the feelings are negative.......a healthy mother physically & MENTALLY is paramount IMO. A lot of women invest a huge amount of time and emotion into planning their birth...and no-one plans a crap one!

you don;t sit down and think.....oooh...wonder what happens if i need a c.s or forceps///how will i feel...even if you did...you woudn't know until after it happened....

so i think it is healthy and important to acknowledge and address how the baby arrived....

lulumama, you put that so much better then I did!

it wasnt your fault

contact birth crisis (run by sheila kitzinger)

Cx

thanks 3!! and LOL at twiglett!!

I accept that all experiences are different - I've had one ventouse delivery, one where dd1 arrived within 1 hour of labour starting and an emergency caesarian. But I did mean that my health visitor was lovely, as she pitched her comment just right for me at that time.
I also went through my notes with a midwife following the caesarian and they arranged for the anaesthetist to come and see me to discuss why the epidural failed - and that too was right for me at that time.