Feelings of guilt over the birth. Is this normal and will they pass?

[TiggersBestFriend]

Hello all mumsnetters. This is my first post so hope everything comes out right!
My DS is 12 weeks old today and while i am feeling good (mostly!)about becoming a parent for the first time, i can't seem to shake these feelings of guilt over how the birth went.
Ended up a vonteuse delivery after 3 hours of pushing and ever since I get these feelings of guilt that I could not give birth properly to my own baby.
Also, and I know that this will sound really stupid, but DS sometimes screams out in his sleep and my DH rather unhelpfully told me that he had heard that babies dream of the birth so now I am paranoid that I have given him nightmares about being forcefully dragged from inside me!!
Cannot bear the thought of having hurt him in any way even though he is a very happy and smiley baby.
Have found myself wanting to have another sooner rather than later just so I can go through the birth experience again to prove that I can do it and I am not a failure!
As the subject says, I just wondered if these feelings are normal and also if they will pass (and when). Don't want them to ruin what is turning out to be the best experience of my life.
Have been a bit of a lurker in the past and have found you all to be a wonderfully caring and wise bunch so looking forward to any replies and advice you may have.

Tigger, haven't read the whole thread but I understand how you feel. Has my DD (3) by EMCS due to failure to progress but after 36hrs of v. painful contractions I was quite glad. However, has DS (6wks) by EMCS and still feel upset by his birth. I really wanted a VBAC but due to my scar starting to reupture I was whisked in for a section after only 5hrs of labour. I was v. upset at the time and felt I had let myself and my baby down. It turns out that DS had a 'true knot' in his cord and there was a 90% chance he would have been stillborn had he of been born naturally.

My midwife was brilliant and explained that I had given birth to a gorgeous healthy son and that was what mattered. If you think about it can you remember being born??? Your baby won't remember either!!

FB x

Oh Tigger, please don't feel so bad.

My DD went through a 32 hour labour, induction, drip, waters broken, monitoring, probe on her head, 3 hours of pushing followed by a ventouse (little pointy head), distress, primed for emergency CS etc and has been absolutely fine. I think I was more traumatised by the stirrups than she was by the pushing and ventouse tbh.

Enjoy your little boy, don't feel guilty (there's plenty of time for masses of parental guilt later ).

Congratulations on your DS, and welcome to mumsnet

Hello Tiggersbestfriend,
my DS was born via ventouse after 36 hours labour but at least it wasn't a section. I had a section first time around with DD and did feel like a failure but at least he was born vaginally, even if he did need a bit of help getting out. He cried all the time, as though he was in pain, and midwife said that sometimes they get little headaches after a ventouse birth. Cranial osteopathy really helped, after only 2 sessions (he couldn't sleep on his back because of the ventouse delivery) but once he'd had CO, he managed to sleep on his back without crying in pain. Only a suggestion but you could check out a cranial osteopath as long as they are an expert in chuildren.

TBF - I suspect you won't ever forget the traumatic birth but I do hope the feelings of guilt will continue to diminish. The more your baby grows up and the more time you spend with him, the more I hope you will come to appreciate how fantastically lucky you are to have him. The things that happen to us in hospital seem so unfair sometimes, so unexpected and so out of our control. We hate the idea of intervention and want it all to happen as nature intended. But what if that intervention hadn't taken place? Millions and millions and millions of women need assistance with giving birth in unforeseen circumstances and, in this country at least, we are lucky that assistance is usually there. You did the best you possibly could and your baby was born healthy. What a fantastic achivement!

Mentally traumatic births are difficult to get over but remembering them should be done as a reminder of what happened not what should have happened or what your ideal brith would have been.

i as the last lady to give birth at my local hospital after a big run on babies and they ran out of everything (including gas and air and midwives). the best thing to remember is that you have a beautiful healthy baby who (thankfully) won't remember a thing.

my son tried to come down the birth canal sideways and despite the dreadful bruises and deformed head for the first few days which i thought might be a sign of some thing nasty he is an early walker, he can feed himself from a cup (without a lid or a vent) and feed himself with a spoon. he is just over 12mths old and i'm told this is early. so your baby will be fine and the next thing you should worry about is bottle or breast!!

TBF - firstly Congrats on the birth, you did really well.

Your story sounds just like mine with DS, I was a homebirth but transferred in after 2 1/2 hours pushing getting us nowhere and this was after a 24 hour first stage. Resulted in a forceps delivery and I never found out why I couldn't push him out and like you blamed myself for not pushing hard enough, body not able to cope etc.

Just had DD 7 weeks ago, again homebirth, this time 5 hour first stage and pushed her out within the hour no problems despite her being 8lb 12.5oz and her having her hands up to her face and cord wrapped all around her!!

So it can be done, I had to wait until my next birth to understand that my body is capable. What I learned with DD is that her head at full dilation was 'deflexed' i.e., face first, the wonderful experienced midwives I had for this delivery knew exactly what to do (march up and down the stairs, lol) and I pushed her out no problem. Had I had the more experienced midwives first time around I might have been able to push DS out at home, who knows.

So don't blame your body and just remember you did 99.9% of it yourself and baby arrived safely which is most important. Second time around will most definitely be easier, I didn't believe everyone until it happened to me.

Take care x

I too am new to mumsnet!
I had my first child 7 years ago, She was 15 days overdue. Induced against my better judgment, waters broken, begging for an epidural after 5hrs of pushing the next day! I didnt feel guilty. I do still feel resentfull that I was made to go through the whole experience though. I have since had a home birth with 10 mins of pushing. Most excellent!
It took me 5 years to have the courage to face up to my experience. we are now going for the third!

I firmly believe that we give ourselves too many things too feel guilty about. Just enjoy your beautiful baby before he becomes a little monkey.

Hi, (haven't had time to read all of thread so sorry if repeat stuff) my dd is 6 months old and now doing well (7 weeks of colic straight after birth). I had a ventouse too and get a strange empty dragging feeling in the pit of my stomach when I hear of other births when assistance wasn't used (have to put a false smile on). I also feel strange (and jealous which is a horrible feeling that I hate to admit to) when I see newborn babies sleeping peacefully in their mother's arms as my dd hardly slept. However, it has got a lot easier the more that I've got to know my baby and that I can see her genuine smile and know the things that make her laugh (I know she doesn't remember the birth and don't believe anyone that says they do - I don't remember my birth). I did 'run-through' labour repeatedly straight after and then sometimes until around 2 months and can still feel how I felt when I hear the music that I had on during labour, but now I just accept that it happened the way it did and that I do have my baby and she is happy. I agree with ronshar's comment on 9th Nov that there are so many things to worry about so don't add to it, but also in a way worrying is just part of being a mum - now worry if she will settle into a creche, is she developing well; in the future will prob be another lot of worries/concerns/hopes (I understand my Mum much more now and her concern that I am happy). But main thing is keeping your baby safe and what you believe not what other people say. It does get easier (sorry - I was sick of hearing that in the earlier months!).

I don't know how I'll feel after the event, but I've kinda got it in my head that I don't bloody care how I give birth as long as it doesn't hurt as much as I'm thinking it will and I get a lovely healthy baby out of it.
I actually went to an ante-natal class the other night and the midwife gave us a demonstration of how the baby pushes through the pelvis, with the help of a toy baby and a big plastic pelvis. I thought I was going to be sick.....not a good omen....

Hi! Havent read the whole thread but wanted to post. I can totally sympathise with you. My boy was premature and had a traumatic birth - he is 13 weeks old now. I have felt a lot of guilt for him being early and the rough start he had in life. Please know though you did nothing wrong. The really important thing is that you love your baby and can make him happy now. I found talking about it, and posting on MN about it helped me a lot, I hope it helps you.

HI everyone. Don't you all agree that we are fed a load of crap when it comes to labour? Its like a checklist, If i do this, this and this then I will have a perfect delivery. How many times have you heard someone tell about their wonderful delivery, then try and take reasponsibility for it(ie "the birth was great, but then i did eat organically grown food that was picked by virgins, walk 3 miles a day bla bla bla!!) We can only do our best, but there is only so much you can do. Plus, your body is still recovering from the pregnancy and your hormones are still all over the place, so you are bound to still be sensitive about it. Be kind to yourself girl!! You've just been through the biggest change you will ever have to go through, let yourself adjust!! Good that you are talking about it though. (By the way, I'm pretty impressed that you are able to get to the computer at all with a small one!!! When mine was small my husband had to come home so i could shower!!! Lol!!Good Luck!!!)

Probably a bit late with this - but your message made me cry. My dd is nearly 12 months old. We had 3 hours of very hard pushing at home with gas & air run out!! Had tranfer to hosp and 2 failed ventouse. Luckily my consultant came in and gave me an epidural (NOT in my birth plan) and we rushed to theatre for emergency c section. They decided to try forceps first and thankfuly then got her out. i still feel guilty about this and to make things worse she had to have supplementary bottles as she was losing weight on just breast feeds. i've never failed at anything before, classic over acheiver - had bulimia for 15 years before meeting my lovely hubby!! I have to be perfect all the time!! (Althought that has gone out of the window now I have a baby to lok after). I feel a complete failure and then i feel guilty for being so selfish when my dd is an absolute delight!!! It's very difficult!!

Re screaming - its probably nothing but if its bothering you (more than it should) try a cranial osteopath (make sure registered by GOSC). My hubby is an osteopath and he did some very gentle cranial work on our dd and the crying drastically improved!! Sounds mad - but also might be teething , my dd cut first tooth at 8 weeks!! Speak to HV first but you might want to try Nelsons theetha powders.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better - I don't think I've been much help!!

Mxxx