Feelings of guilt over the birth. Is this normal and will they pass?

[TiggersBestFriend]

Hello all mumsnetters. This is my first post so hope everything comes out right!
My DS is 12 weeks old today and while i am feeling good (mostly!)about becoming a parent for the first time, i can't seem to shake these feelings of guilt over how the birth went.
Ended up a vonteuse delivery after 3 hours of pushing and ever since I get these feelings of guilt that I could not give birth properly to my own baby.
Also, and I know that this will sound really stupid, but DS sometimes screams out in his sleep and my DH rather unhelpfully told me that he had heard that babies dream of the birth so now I am paranoid that I have given him nightmares about being forcefully dragged from inside me!!
Cannot bear the thought of having hurt him in any way even though he is a very happy and smiley baby.
Have found myself wanting to have another sooner rather than later just so I can go through the birth experience again to prove that I can do it and I am not a failure!
As the subject says, I just wondered if these feelings are normal and also if they will pass (and when). Don't want them to ruin what is turning out to be the best experience of my life.
Have been a bit of a lurker in the past and have found you all to be a wonderfully caring and wise bunch so looking forward to any replies and advice you may have.

ellceel...that's fantastic! a lot of women are not so lucky...myself included....i was not detracting from what you said..apologies if that is how it came across...

Thanks lulumama. Yes, I do realise I was lucky. I was sad that particular HV retired before dd1 was born.

Tigger - havent had the chance to read the full thread but I second whoever said to ask if you can speak to someone at the hospital. i had an em c-section with my dd and i felt a bit like you as i wwasnt able to do it myself. I was lucky enough to go right through my labour notes in some detail with the midwife who was with me, and it really helped me to understand what had gone wrong and although i was shocked by the precarious situation my dd was in, it really helped me to come to terms with the fact that what happened was best for us both.

also, as PT said, come and talk to us on the AUgust post natal thread.

Just spoke to someone in the midwife team where I gave birth and they are going to call me back with a day when I can go in and have one of the midwives go through my notes with me. Should be sometime this week.

best of luck!let us know how you get on, and if you need to talk, we are here for you!

Hi TiggersBestFriend and welcome to Mumsnet

I shouldn't be normal to feel gulity about how a birth has gone, but I can relate to your feelings 100% because its exactly how I felt for a long time. the birth of your own child creates such complicated, strong emotions and if things don't go as you expected, I think its a 'normal' human response to feel cut up and guilty about how things went.

I was so scared during my entire labour because i had been diagnosed with low lying placenta and was tod that I had 50/50 chance of hemmoraging and having a emergancy c-section. I was tethered to the bed with a fetal heart monitor for the entire time and found the whole thing unbearable. I took pethadine and two lots of epidural - which didn't work and left me with pain down one side. I had vowed not to take any drugs. The labour ended when my DS's heart beat fluctuated quite badly. I was rushed to the emergancy room where it recovered for about 15 mins and the labour progressed normally. Two consultants had a 'row' about what to do with me at the end of the bed. One wanted me to be taken back to the labour suit to progress and the other one decided to pull DS out with a pair of forceps. I just let them go ahead and do it. DS was fine and when he was put on me, it was magical. The guilt began over the next few days because DS had had so many drugs, through me, that it took 4 stressful days before he even manged to latch on and feed. He had a graze on his cheek from the forceps and you could actually see the outline of forceps on his his head - a deep dent on one side espceially - until he was allot older. The guilt that I had selfishly taken those drugs and allowed them to use forceps when it wasn't 100% necessary stayed with me for a long time. I used to cry about it as I went to sleep. I felt I had let him down in his first moments of life and risked him being damaged in some way by the forceps/drugs.

I never saught any help, although I know its out there and basically I did allot of sole searching, spoke to others on mumsnet and gradually got my head around the whole thing. I accepted that what happened, happened and by circumstances beyond my control I was given a very poor scenario to cope with a birth and fend of intervention. I gave control over to the medical staff because I was scared and I trusted them to do the right thing by my baby. I didn't have the insight, knowledge and experience that I have now and that wasn't my fault either.

We give birth in such unnatural circumstances now. There is more intervention than necessary IMO. Birth is such a fundamentally natural process, it demands you to give into your instincts and your body and yet there you are in an unatural place, surrounded by strangers in such a vunerable state. I think all these things can lessen your chances of a natural birth because mind of matter is so important when in labour. I personally think my DS's birth was destined to be high-intervention from the moment I was tethered onto a bed in the 'high-risk' labour suite.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Even natural labour can be painful for babies, massive pressures on their heads etc. If they hadn't used ventuose maby your baby would have become stuck and distressed and surely thats worse. If they hadn't used forceps and got DS out when they did, maybe something else and more serious would have happened and the happy outcome that did take place may never have been. 'What if' is meaningless. What happened happened, you have have a happy heathy baby and you both left hospital in one peice. If you want to be angry, read up on natural birth and use your anger to re-eductae yourself for the next time to give yourself the best chance for the labour you want. Just accept what happened, learn from it and move on. Surely that's what life is all about.

Time is a wonderful healer, but there is help out there if you think you need it.

x x x x

Also haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say I'm sure these feelings are normal, if you weren't feeling worried/guilty about this it would be something else, blame all the hormones!! it does get better.

I had an emergency c section 17 days ago with my second ds and remember saying during te birth that I felt sad that I wasn't able to push him out (the dr had also tried vontouse but it didn't work) The mw did say that there was counselling for traumatic births available so this might be worth a look if you feel down about it.

i had a very long labour ending with emergency caesar and felt a terrible failure. Had gone to all the NCT classes and prepared myself for drug free labour and ended up having all the interventions in the book. Plus ds was taken away from me and given donated breast milk without my consent, even though he was 9lb 13 oz. My feelings of anger and disappointment gradually ebbed away, and i tried to focus on my beautiful boy. Try to do the same. You have done brilliantly. focus on him now and don't worry, i think guilt comes with being a mother, you will feel guilty [unnecessarily] many times in the future!

TiggersBestFriend -

I understand your feelings completely. I had an emergency c-section after 30 hours labour and felt like such a failure...so much for all that yoga and positive visualisation I smugly assumed would help me have a normal birth.

Then when DS was 5 months I read about obstetric fistula which affects thousands of women in the developing world. Basically, you labour for hours, even days and as there's no c-section available the baby dies and your tissues rot and your are left incontinent. I cried and cried as I realised what a spoilt brat I'd been harping on about my "traumatic experience". I sent a big donation to the charity. I really believe I was meant to read this article at this point and it helped me to come to terms with what had happened. I don't wish to underestimate the emotional pain you are experiencing, I know how it feels but cliche though it is, it really helped me remember how lucky I am to be here in one piece with a healthy baby

The website is:
www.endfistula.org/q_a.htm

xx

I had ventouse with my first and was just relieved it was all over!
Went on to deliver the others totally naturally and without stitches.
Once the first one's out, you're home and dry

cp...DON'T WANT TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE...AND BELIEVE ME, TWAS WHAT i USED TO BELIEVE...BUT IT WAS YS, MY 3.CHILD, THAT DIDN'T WANT TO COME OUT THE NATURAL WAY, THE WAY HIS 2 OLDER HAD COME OUT QUITE NICELY.....ooops, sorry, caps lock was on, I wasn't shouting!

I think sometimes the classes can set up huge expectations - I honestly think we all sit in the classes thinking 'oh yes, very interesting all that medical stuff, but it won't happen to me'. That was certainly my view six months pregnant with first baby!

My view now is that childbirth can be bloody difficult and challenging and we are amazing to be able to grow them and get them out at all!

Hi Tigger - in response to your question, my consultant's advice was after examining the tear. It was a 3rd/4th so quite extreme. Obviously, everyone's different. I'm hoping it's healed even more now but I will take advice again on how it's looking for this third birth.

Meant to add, I've hired a doula to be with us this time. I'm hoping she'll make me feel more in control and less scared.

agree newgirl. and they kind of set you up to feel a failure if the all natural doesn't happen.

all natural birth i mean.

am hoping to start working as a doula in the new year....becasue the feelings i had after achieving a really good birth with fantastic suport has given me so much positivity... i want to do something with it IFYSWIM!! have just done a training course and am so excited!

you'll have to let us know how you get on Gem!!

Winchester hospital offer a service called Afterthoughts. You can contact them anytime after giving birth (even years later) to talk through a previous delivery. I used it prior to conceiving my third as I had two PPH's (haemhorrage) and wanted to talk through future risks and action plan etc. A midwife came to my home with both sets of my notes to talk it all through and explain what had happened and why.

I did in fact haemhorrage again this time but had seen a consultant and thankfully had a detailed plan in place just in case.

TBF

At 3cm I told MW to rip up my birth plan as the contractions were too much ...!

8 cm is magnificent.

Question for your bloke ... can he actually remember his birth? Cos if we did dream about that then as they are all certainly the most dramatic first experience then we would all rememebr them right (like the first time you break something, have sex etc). Now I don;t remember being born do you does he?

Nonsense ... they are dreaming of food and nothing else!

Sweetie, I remember talking to my best friend, on the phone five hours after giving birth (in a mangled and horrid way) to DD1, and saying how guilty I felt about opting for an epidural 'so early' and how this had led to the ventouse yada yada yada. My BF, who is gloriously childless, told me firmly I'd contracted Mummy Guilt in record time.

Ditch the guilt. Cuddle your lovely baby. Birth is a pig for a lot of us. And believe me, five years on I have the most gloriously beautiful girl who is utterly unmarked in any way by her less than perfect arrival into the world.

Hi TBF

I can relate to how you are feeling. My DD (now 20 weeks) was born following a 30 hour labour, failed forceps and a section. I didn't feel guilt exactly, but found myself going over and over the birth in my head. I too felt that I wanted to have another baby, just to put right all of the things that had "gone wrong" the first time around. I couldn't quite believe that my body could not cope with something it is supposed to be designed to do.

So far I haven't asked the hospital to go through my notes with me, but I have found that writing my story down has helped, as has posting on MN from time to time (the only place where I have said how awful I felt being made to lie down during labour), as has boring my friends to death with the story. You may find that posting on MN gives you some kind of closure, and I hope that speaking to the hospital does the same. I also find it helps to remind myself that, if I lived in another time or place, my DD would have died and so, probably would I. I have noticed these feelings becoming less strong and I guess they will fade, but it is good that you are doing something to deal with it yourself.

Finally, I have to say that your baby is definintely not crying out because of the birth. Babies' central nervous systems are immature and so they are prone to crying or moving without it meaning anything. One night I woke up and saw DD performing a Nazi salute, and I am pretty sure my child is a liberal.

LOL Motherinferior.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful responses. Already feeling much reassured and more positive about the whole thing and as many of you have said, just getting it out in the open and not dwelling in silence seems to lift a weight off your shoulders.
Looking forward to having a look at the notes also but really do already feel a sense of relief that these feelings are perfectly normal and will pass. And the most important thing of all is that my gorgeous bouncing bub is happy and healthy.

Congratulations on baby and coming to terms a bit more with birth. My birth experience is only slightly further away than yours - ds is 4 and a bit months now - and I would say that the trauma and anger I felt after mine have faded a lot in the last few weeks. I had a traumatic experience for opposite reasons to you - ds came 2 weeks early, in the middle of the night on the landing! within 1 and a half hours of my waking up with very mild pains initially, with no medical assistance or intervention at all and no pain relief available as I had not been planning or expecting a home birth, just ds came too quickly before I could have got to hospital. Was excruciating without pain relief - know where you're coming from! - and very frightening without calm hospital environment or staff. Ambulance staff turned up when he was nearly out and were fantastic but I really regretted my unintended, rushed natural birth and would have loved to have been in hospital not bleeding on my carpets trying not to scream so loudly I woke up dd1 and dd2 and traumatised them re birth! So even an unassisted 'natural' birth isn't necessarily the perfect thing it's cracked up to be. I don't want any more children so can't plan for next one as my perfect birth like you - wish I could. Like you, I'm just grateful for my lovely ds and that's all that matters.

Tigger - had such similar experience - feelings to you. 9 years ago - 1st baby - laboured for ages, pushed for hours - dd posterior and part face presentation. She wasn't coming out without help. I watched my perfect birth plan crumble b4 my eyes!

After the ventouse she had massive bruising above her eye and cried all night. I felt crap!

Never spoke about it. Never went through my notes. Midwife said I was traumatised by it all but I couldn't bring myself to sort it out. Felt complete failure as all my friends seemed to be having large babies just biting down on a stick or something (not really!) but you know what I mean.

Had ds 2 years later - went straight for epidural and oxytocin because felt totally unable to give birth.

Got pg this year (due march) and FINALLY went through notes with midwife. Made me feel so much better - you will walk out of that meeting feeling like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders! You will finally get a sense of all the things you DID actually achieve. It's a really empowering feeling - good luck!