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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Tactfully telling Inlaws not to come to the hospital?

95 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 10:51

After two losses last year, one very traumatic, I know this birth is going to be very emotional. I'm starting to worry about how I'll feel immediately post ELCS and it's not even until June!

With my last two children, the Inlaws came up and waited at the hospital with my parents and then they all came into the ward about 30 mins after I got back from recovery.

This time I want the children to come in first so that we can spend some time with the baby, then my parents come in for a while. I don't feel I want to share this special time with my Inlaws, DH isn't particularly close with his parents, his dad is extremely loud and tactless and his mum barely says a word most of the time. But boy do they know how to outstay their welcome, they seem obsessed with newborn babies and think it's their God given right to spend as much time as they like visiting and turning up unannounced because "they're the grandparents"

I don't mind them coming the next day, but it's how to broach the subject. They just won't get it at all that I'm going to be very emotional and need time with people I feel comfortable with only at first.

Wow that got long, any advice please?

OP posts:
cookiefiend · 07/03/2015 10:56

Just say no visitors until they are invited. When DH calls them he can tell them when to visit. There will be a limit to the number of people who can visit at one time so we told people we would assign times to ensure no one was turned away. Though my DH is close to his parents we agreed mine would come first since I had given birth.

laundryelf · 07/03/2015 10:56

Is it an option to just not tell them when you start labour? The DH can explain sorry no visitors until day after?
You may feel up to it on the day, then can change your mind if you want to. Try and ask a friendly midwife to chuck out excess visitors after thirty minutes.

FernGullysWoollyPully · 07/03/2015 11:00

I would just have DH say "really sorry but tranquility isn't feeling up to visitors yet." There's no need for him to go into loads of detail about who's coming first etc. Just tell them it's the day after at whatever time visiting is. You will have just had surgery, you should hardly be prioritising their feelings over your own.

husbanddoestheironing · 07/03/2015 11:00

That sounds like my in-laws. I would just say you've been warned that it could be a traumatic delivery, baby may need paed. support afterwards (always true with CS anyway) and won't be able to see anyone til next day or later that day but DH will phone to let them know at the time. Good luck

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/03/2015 11:01

I caused WW3 with mil even I did this. She assumed she would be present as she was the other three of SIL.

When I told her no, she said she would wait outside in her car until the hospital staff said she could come in. She really made me I'll with it.

In the end we had a blanket ban that no one apart from DP and df was allowed up - just because of her. I'm glad though as I really struggled after my CS so the last thing I needed was entertaining people

Set your stall out now don't leave it too late like I did Flowers

Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:02

The thing is i'll be having a elective section so they'll know the date and I just know they'll want to spend it at the hospital! Need to nip that in the bud really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:03

MIL is very jealous of my parents and how close we are, so they'll think they can just do the same as my parents.

OP posts:
IDontDoIroning · 07/03/2015 11:05

How far away are they? If they are a while away then as long as ytime u don't tell them too soon then you will have the travelling time as a buffer.

Is delaying telling them an option?
Don't tell anyone you are in labour and don't tell anyone you have had the baby and keep it off fb. Then you can have whoever has u want go visit your u first as one. As they keep it o themselves too.

If they find out they were the last t know then just say you or the baby weren't feeling well and didn't want visitors until it you were settled and feeling better.

gymboywalton · 07/03/2015 11:07

are you in the states?

where on earth would they wait in a uk nhs hospital??Confused

husbanddoestheironing · 07/03/2015 11:08

Difficult one. Could you explain that to your parents and make the same arrangement, but then let DH phone them straight away? The CS may get put back anyway if there's an emergency so probably no point them all sitting waiting at the hospital.

ImperialBlether · 07/03/2015 11:09

I would find it very stressful to think someone was sitting there waiting.

On the one hand I think it's unfair to treat sets of parents differently but I completely understand you don't want them hanging around.

In your position I wouldn't have told them the date. I would really hate this pressure.

seaoflove · 07/03/2015 11:11

I feel for you and I'm in exactly the same position. With DC1, FIL turned up early and with no warning. I'd literally just been allowed onto the ward after spending hours in recovery after surgery for a tear repair. I was a MESS. If I could turn back the clock and send him away because we weren't fucking ready for visitors, I would. It's one of my biggest regrets, feeling so uncomfortable having him there, and he sent DH away to the canteen as well Sad

Anyway, DC2 will be an ELCS and I don't want to be bombarded with visitors on day one because I'm going to be feeling crappy and delicate. Obviously I want to see DC1, and my parents who will be taking care of her, but that's it. And on day two I'm hoping to be discharged, so no time for visitors at all.

DH is totally happy with delaying his parents for a couple of days, purely because we have more pressing concerns than accommodating them. Haven't actually SAID anything to them yet, though. I wouldn't be surprised if we get complaints (MIL has lost her bloody mind since having grandchildren, she's so loud and hysterical and overbearing) and I'm dreading it.

Good luck Tranquility. You are entitled to call the shots here. It's only a short wait after all.

gymboywalton · 07/03/2015 11:11

the only people who should be at the hospital for the birth of a child are the people who made the child [gavel]

tell both sets of parents that they are not to come to the hospital to wait. when you have the section and have been cleaned up and are on the ward, then they can come and visit.

SomewhereIBelong · 07/03/2015 11:13

I can see their side too - they are grandparents - just like your parents. They are jealous because you treat them differently, you are already planning to treat them differently with this.

My PIL would have been upset if I'd said only MY parents first day please - like they are second class....

It is your choice - it will upset them.

EugenesAxe · 07/03/2015 11:13

It would be nice to be able to lie about the date, but you can't really. You just need to get your DH to be firm about visiting. It's unreasonable of your MIL to expect you to have the same levels of openness with her as you do with your mum. You may be feeling fragile emotionally or in pain; your barriers will be right down - she should respect that.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 07/03/2015 11:13

I honestly would give the wrong date and say you had to be brought in for an emergency. Under the circumstances they need to learn a bit of respect.

Sorry for your losses

seaoflove · 07/03/2015 11:17

Yeah, I know my PIL might be upset. But I was upset by the selfish and thoughtless way FIL behaved. I really feel that I have to prioritise my mental health (which was badly affected by what happened to me postnatally, and he played a part in it) and that means spacing out visitors. One set of grandparents have to come second, and as they won't be babysitting DC1 and live much further away, it has to be them!

Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:21

There's a lot more to it somewhere, I'm not just being a nasty person. They don't see our older children for months at a time, haven't turned up when invited to their birthdays etc, but seem obsessed with babies. Since telling then I was pregnant at 12 weeks, MIL has phoned every week ending to know this and that. It's either nothing or too much with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:22

I have no issue with my parents being their, they totally get me and how i might feel and my mum even said they'd bring the children up and see us themselves whenever I'm upto it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:24

*there

OP posts:
peppapigonaloop · 07/03/2015 11:29

Just tell them the wrong date, only by a day..in addition tell them that you don't want visitors at the hospital until DH has called. If they don't respect your wishes and turn up anyway it will be on the day after your section so at least a little better..
You can then pretend you were bumped up the list at the last minute but knew you didn't need to tell them as They would be waiting for DH's call anyway..

Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:35

Can't see how I could do that really though unfortunately, we all live in a small town and it'd mean lying to everyone we know. Don't really want to lie, I'd rather be honest.

OP posts:
Egog · 07/03/2015 11:37

I had my parents visit me in hospital the day after, but asked the PILs not to come until I'd been discharged. They didn't like it, but I (politely) told them that yes, I was having a baby, but I was also having major surgery and had to look after myself in the aftermath too. I suggested that by coming when we were home, they'd get to have a cuddle with DD calmly on our sofa with no bustling midwives hurrying them up- put that way they liked the idea. (I made sure they didn't overstay their by having a code word with DH for 'get then out now!')

Worth a try? Just remember that you're the patient, and waiting 24 hours won't kill them! I couldn't stop vomiting after my CS anyway so was really glad they weren't there to see me with my boobs out and vom in my hair.

gymboywalton · 07/03/2015 11:40

just remember that you are going to me a mother in law one day....

i truly think the solution is to have no parents at all there until the day after.

Rosieliveson · 07/03/2015 11:41

Could you not tell them or tell DH to tell them that no one is coming on the first day. They don't need to know beforehand that your parents are visiting. You can then play it like it was an afterthought or that DC1 was really upset so they had to bring him/her up. A little white lie won't hurt in the long run. Good luck with it all Smile

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