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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Tactfully telling Inlaws not to come to the hospital?

95 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 10:51

After two losses last year, one very traumatic, I know this birth is going to be very emotional. I'm starting to worry about how I'll feel immediately post ELCS and it's not even until June!

With my last two children, the Inlaws came up and waited at the hospital with my parents and then they all came into the ward about 30 mins after I got back from recovery.

This time I want the children to come in first so that we can spend some time with the baby, then my parents come in for a while. I don't feel I want to share this special time with my Inlaws, DH isn't particularly close with his parents, his dad is extremely loud and tactless and his mum barely says a word most of the time. But boy do they know how to outstay their welcome, they seem obsessed with newborn babies and think it's their God given right to spend as much time as they like visiting and turning up unannounced because "they're the grandparents"

I don't mind them coming the next day, but it's how to broach the subject. They just won't get it at all that I'm going to be very emotional and need time with people I feel comfortable with only at first.

Wow that got long, any advice please?

OP posts:
tinymeteor · 08/03/2015 11:40

This is a job for DH. You get to be as stubborn as you like on this one. Your birth, your feelings come first. As it's his parents, he can figure out the press release for you.

gymboywalton · 08/03/2015 11:44

yes they are her parents but the inlaws are HIS parents! the baby is just as much THEIR grandchild!

why the fuck you want ANYONE waiting at the hospital AT ALL is a complete mystery!!

None of this has to be an issue at all if you just say i am having the section on monday
i don';'t want anyone to come and see me until tuesday

that's it problem solved

it's the insistence that its ok for one set of parents to sit at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born like a scene out of an american sit com that is causing the issue

it's such a fucking NON problem that is being chewed over and over!!

JUST SAY NO TO EVERYONE!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

CultureSucksDownWords · 08/03/2015 12:05

Hmm. I can't see that it's unkind to treat the two sets of parents differently. They have a different relationship with the mother, who is the one who is the patient. I am surprised how people can't understand that if you have a distant and strained relationship with your in-laws, you might not want to see them immediately post birth. By contrast your own parents would not be a problem in this situation due to having a much closer and better relationship.

It also isn't about ownership or claim to the grandchild like it's a prize in a competition. No one has a right to see the baby over the wants of the mother/parents and what she is comfortable with.

It's just one day difference. Not a week, or a month or refusing to let them meet the baby at all. Just one day. Based on how they behaved last time and the generally strained relationship. Completely reasonable.

gymboywalton · 08/03/2015 12:13

but if it's 'just one day' then why would it matter if the parents waited waited 'just one day'?

CultureSucksDownWords · 08/03/2015 12:17

Well if that's what the OP wants then that would be fine, and as her parents seem to be more reasonable and have a better relationship with her so presumably they wouldn't mind.

However the OP would like her parents there on the day itself, and that is also completely reasonable. I don't see why there is a need for the in-laws wants to be given a higher priority than the mother/parents.

seaoflove · 08/03/2015 12:23

but if it's 'just one day' then why would it matter if the parents waited waited 'just one day'?

Why are you nitpicking so much?

Is it really so difficult to comprehend that, while it's OK for one's parents to see us feeling fragile and in pain (they have nursed us as children after all) but for some people they would feel very uncomfortable having their in laws see them in the same state.

Well, it's true and I've been there. I didn't feel awkward around MIL, as another woman, but having my FIL at my bedside was excruciating because I didn't want him to see my catheter bag or my breasts.

Ragwort · 08/03/2015 12:24

Agree with gymboy - you will have your DH, children, your parents plus numerous medical people around. Hmm Just say 'no visitors until we get home'.

Fair enough if you have to have your children visit, but I would seriously just stick to you and your DH and everyone else can meet the new baby when you get home.

I had an EMCS - there is no way I would have wanted to see anyone. Thank goodness my own DPs and ILs lived miles away and there was no question on anyone visiting.

CultureSucksDownWords · 08/03/2015 12:30

The OP wants her parents there on the day. No one else is able to tell her that she shouldn't want them there. Why is it that her (reasonable) wishes should be put aside?

AmyLeeha · 08/03/2015 12:34

If the inlaws want to be the first on the scene after a major operation, tell them that if DH ever gets cut open, they'll be more than welcome to come while he still has a catheter in!

Ask FIL if he'd want you there when he came out of recovery for a prostate op, if the case arose. Not exactly the same obviously, but it seems OPs involvement in this has been severely sidelined.

And to everyone saying it's not fair to treat them differently, they are different and they will STILL be the GPs the following day!

3littlefrogs · 08/03/2015 12:36

As a former midwife, I would say that it is nobody's right to visit a new mum and baby at any time other than that which is convenient for the mum.

She is not a side show or TV soap for their entertainment.

I blame social media and reality TV shows for this expectation that everyone's personal life is up for viewing.

Back in the day, we didn't allow any visitors except the husband or another person of the mother's choosing, and, of course, siblings of the new baby.

The OP will need privacy and peace and quiet after her CS. Angry

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 08/03/2015 12:41

Remind them that even elective c sections can be moved eg if there are emergency ops that need to be performed ; say that the hospital doesn't allow family members to hang around, they are only allowed in once the baby has been safely delivered and docs are happy the mum is up to seeing visitors; so DH will need to call afterwards to confirm visiting arrangements

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 12:45

I think both sets of parents have to be treated the same otherwise you just cause resentment. But if you don't feel up to visitors there's nothing wrong with saying so and restricting it to your DH and your own chidlren. It's when this person is allowed but not that person that people take umbrage.

HermioneWeasley · 08/03/2015 12:50

Why would it cause resentment among reasonable people for the parents to be treated differently - especially by the margin of one day?

This isn't about them! I can think of few situation which are less about them!

MythicalKings · 08/03/2015 12:50

Culture, I think it should be both or none because it's the baby people are coming to see. Thank goodness my DiLs are fair and generous and treat us all equally.

CultureSucksDownWords · 08/03/2015 12:54

Why would the in laws take umbrage at being asked to wait because the OP wouldn't be completely comfortable with them there? Surely they would be able to understand that they don't have the same kind of relationship with her than her parents do. To take permanent umbrage with the OP over this would be a massive overreaction.

I just don't get this idea that everything must be equal no matter what the relationship is like between them.

3littlefrogs · 08/03/2015 12:55

I wanted my mum with me when I had my Dc because my DH couldn't get time off work at short notice.
The last people I wanted near me were my in laws because MIL was rude, selfish, demanding, self centred and always made everything about her. She was responsible for my PND and completely ruined those early years with my DC.

So I may be a teeny bit biased...Grin

I still feel that it is not fair to be on view just post birth or CS. It is a very vulnerable time.

CultureSucksDownWords · 08/03/2015 13:06

MythicalKings, presumably you have a good relationship with your DILs rather than a distant and strained one. Presumably you have also not been inconsiderate in the past. That would certainly make a difference.

If you are just there to see the baby, is it ok to disregard the wishes of the baby's mother? Your wishes as a grandparent are more important than how she feels post-delivery? If you had a DIL who hadn't invited you on the same day as her parents, would you have held that against her from that point on or would you have tried to consider how she felt and not take it personally?

Glittermouse · 08/03/2015 13:14

The baby will still be there the next day though mythical. I know my pil would be there just to see the baby where as my mum would be there to see me first and foremost.

Chips1999 · 08/03/2015 13:27

I don't understand why anyone would want to hang around a hospital, the parking is a nightmare and extortionate for a starters! I understand being excited about meeting the baby, but people really do need to respect the mums wishes and privacy in these situations. FIL came to the hospital after DS was born and I had been taken out to have stitches done, I returned to the room with a pj t-shirt (no bra) and a hospital sheet wrapped around my blood stained legs as a makeshift skirt. It's just not appropriate to have lots of visitors when you need to get cleaned up, rest, use the toilet, look after the baby - unless you want visitors of course!

I honestly wouldn't worry about being diplomatic OP. just say "I don't want any visitors until we are back home".

Chips1999 · 08/03/2015 13:32

And of anyone chooses to take offence it's up to them. I think it's perfectly understandable to want to wait until you're ready for visitors!

Also I don't think the two sets of grandparents can be treated equally in every situation. I had my Mum at DS's birth and DH, there is no way on the planet I would want to give birth in front of FIL or my own brother. It's about what the mum needs in this situation as she's the one giving birth, nobody else can do it for her.

Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 08/03/2015 15:42

Yes Hermione, you've got it in one. But they really are completely tactless I'm afraid and come across as quite selfish because of it. I don't know if they genuinely don't realise they're doing it half the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 08/03/2015 15:45

Gymboy I never said any of what you're inplying? Don't think you've read my posts properly at all. I want our children to visit once I'm back on the ward, my parents will be looking after them so will be with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 08/03/2015 15:54

Those of you that think I have to treat both sets of parents equally must have a good relationship with your Inlaws. I don't unfortunately, they pick and choose when they are interested in our two other children or their own son and I've had enough of it.

DH had a operation on his leg recently, which requires two weeks off work afterwards. They didn't want to visit him in hospital or at home afterwards, yet they live 5 mins down the road. That's upto them, but they can't then exercise their parental or grandparental rights when it comes to this baby.

OP posts:
cherryade8 · 08/03/2015 17:12

Yanbu! I would tell everyone the elcs is booked for the day after the real date. Then get called in as 'emergency precaution' the day before, part of this ploy will mean no visitors (dh can tell his parents this on the day). Then see your parents on the day and his when you feel ready.

Newborn babies don't change overnight, there's no need for visitors until you're ready!

bonzo77 · 08/03/2015 17:38

YANBU. My PIL do not give a shit about me. I'm a vessel to produce grand children, gate keeper to the grandchildren and house keeper for their son. They show little interest in our children apart from to tell their friends how much they help us, but gifts with no knowledge/ care for their interests. Their (and my BIL and SIL) behaviour around the births of my first 2 was utterly disgraceful. I will be very clear this time (DC3) that visitors on the first day are for my support only, so that means my parents and older children. PIL role is to support their child. As DH can leave the hospital they can support him anywhere else of his choice. Obviously if I feel well enough then I might change my mind.