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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Tactfully telling Inlaws not to come to the hospital?

95 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 10:51

After two losses last year, one very traumatic, I know this birth is going to be very emotional. I'm starting to worry about how I'll feel immediately post ELCS and it's not even until June!

With my last two children, the Inlaws came up and waited at the hospital with my parents and then they all came into the ward about 30 mins after I got back from recovery.

This time I want the children to come in first so that we can spend some time with the baby, then my parents come in for a while. I don't feel I want to share this special time with my Inlaws, DH isn't particularly close with his parents, his dad is extremely loud and tactless and his mum barely says a word most of the time. But boy do they know how to outstay their welcome, they seem obsessed with newborn babies and think it's their God given right to spend as much time as they like visiting and turning up unannounced because "they're the grandparents"

I don't mind them coming the next day, but it's how to broach the subject. They just won't get it at all that I'm going to be very emotional and need time with people I feel comfortable with only at first.

Wow that got long, any advice please?

OP posts:

ToriB34 · 08/03/2015 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 08/03/2015 19:38

My sister got a late cancellation on her elcs. It was booked for the 2nd of the month. On the 31st, she got a call saying a slot had come up, did she want to go a day early. She jumped at the chance as Inlaws had been causing all sorts of issues about being there. So it could happen that you go in a day early, or if you go into labour early they may have to slot you in earlier than anticipated.

Don't lie if you don't want to. But this could be one little white one which eases a whole load of heartache for you.

shaz1976 · 08/03/2015 21:12

I honestly feel your pain in this they sound just like my inlaws. when I had my son they didn't come to hospital as I was out the next day not even my parents did. However when I came home they never left us alone and it drove me crazy, in fact so anxious that i'm so determined not to let it happen this time and i'm going to say something. I found myself bottling so much up and getting upset because I let them do what they liked and my feelings were just pushed aside. My mil seems to think that because I'm having another baby that my son is going to be forgotten about "Oh we need to make sure he gets attention" as if I'm about to put my 2 year old out in the garden or something! honestly they drive me insane!!
This time I cannot worry about their feelings and need to make sure my own come first. Same goes for you, just be honest and upfront it's your baby not theirs!!

M1985 · 09/03/2015 06:56

To be honest Id be mad if either sets of parents turned up at the hospital straight after delivery (or were there waiting before!)
I'm very close to my parents & I get on well with my in laws but I wouldn't want anyone other than DH at the hospital. That's our time, our special day. Both sets of parents have always visited us at home the day after, at separate times. If I stay in hospital this time and I'm not kicked out after 4 hrs, the only visitors I'll be allowing is my own children.
Be firm, it's your decision & your special day, don't feel bad.

antumbra · 09/03/2015 07:09

Don't tell them you are in labour.

Wnem my DD was born I left hospital 3 hours after the birth anyway, so no time for visitors.

bonzo77 · 09/03/2015 12:19

antumbra she's have an elective CS.

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 12/03/2015 06:53

Yes I'm having an elective and should know the date next month so can't realky lie about that.

DH is going tactfully tell them that he'll let them know if and when they can visit in the first day as it's going to be an emotional day and we might just want the kids there. Not lying then and if they're offended, well I can't help that. It's only a day to wait.

OP posts:

Cnmorgan13 · 12/03/2015 18:23

I've always been in favour of the 'rip the bandaid off'. I'm as subtle as a hammer. I'd just be honest and let the chips fall where they may

snowmummy · 12/03/2015 18:35

I cannot think of a major procedure where you'd be expected to greet visitors straight out of recovery except for a C-section. Its crazy. Just say no!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 12/03/2015 19:16

The thing is you're not treating them differently. You're treating them all the same. You're inviting all your close relatives who would be understanding and helpful at a potentially difficult time, to come to hospital and support you. You're not inviting anyone at all to come to hospital for the purpose of cooing over the newborn.

One day when you're a MIL yourself, if you are supportive and understanding etc you'll be welcome in the same way as your DIL's parents. And if not, not. I had my ILs at hospital soon after the birth, not my parents - I invited the relatives who cared about me, rather than those who just felt they had a right to first hold of the baby.

What's the worst that can happen if you are honest with them? Might they go off in a huff? Is that a problem?

Actually the worst is probably that you tell them not to come, and they come anyway. Best prep the nurses ...

BirdInTheRoom · 12/03/2015 20:05

I felt horrendous after my planned c section and didn't really want to see or speak to anyone but it was nice to briefly see my own parents as they care about me - not just the baby.

I was spaced out, nauseous etc from the spinal, had a big bag of wee attached to me via catheter and was in pain and bleeding profusely! It is major surgery - having one's own parents to visit can be a comfort - other people, not so much!!

Having another one and there are new rules at my hospital that state on the day of c-section, no visitors at all apart from DH are allowed until the 7pm-8pm slot - presumably to protect vulnerable patients to be protected from the kind of behaviour outlined in the OP.

No-one recovering from major surgery should have to entertain visitors if they don't want to, and should be able to choose who they have at their bedside on the same day they have that surgery!

Missmidden · 12/03/2015 22:00

I have so been here, OP. After my PILs behaviour following DD1's birth I was adamant they were not coming to the hospital for DD2 (an ELCS). They took it very badly, as we knew they would, so the compromise was that they popped in to a waitng area just outside the ward and DP carried DD2 to see them for 5 mins. As they only wanted to see her and had no interest in me this suited everyone fine, although DP had a fun few minutes convincing the staff he wasn't about to run off with her against my wishes!

Freezingmyarseoff · 12/03/2015 22:28

Do you actually have to tell them the date though? I had 3 ELCS, and we told no-one the dates apart from the people who were looking after the older DC (who happened to be my PILS, but I get on very well with them). If you weren't having a CS, you wouldn't know in advance which day you will be giving birth so why does it need to be any different for an ELCS. I always just said to people I'm due on xxx when they asked. Even if your PILS know you are having an ELCS, you could just say you haven't got a date yet. And in reality the date might be changed anyway (you might be bumped by EMCS, or have some complications of your own that necessitate a change).

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 14/03/2015 14:04

Thanks again. It is what it is, if they're offended, well then it is what it is. They'll see is the next day so it's no biggy (although it probably will be to then) hey ho.

OP posts:

RoseOolong · 25/03/2015 23:49

Maybe you could get your dh to say that he would like them to wait a day as he wants to look after you and is worried about you having too many visitors?? Xx

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 26/03/2015 23:24

Yes will be saying something along those lines. I'm not so stressed about it now. Have barely seen them in a month and they've lost interest in our older children again, so I'll have no regrets in putting them off if I'm not upto it.

OP posts:

StayingSamVimesGirl · 26/03/2015 23:45

Wishing you all the best for your new baby, OP., and for a tranquil and happy time afterwards. thanks]

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 27/03/2015 09:31

Ah thank you so much x

OP posts:

Sevan · 07/04/2015 13:12

We had no visitors in hospital, and it was actually bliss. If you want to see your parents, I'd sell it as they're there for you not baby. I'm close to my parents, and just uncomfortable with my MIL. I've had to exclude my parents from things to be 'fair' (pft) but make it up to them in other ways. I've explained it to them as well, and they understand. Good luck!

Roseybee10 · 07/04/2015 15:21

I would just have no parents there til day after tbh. Or at least tell your inlaws that even if you sneak your parents up. I can understand why they would be upset if you said that your parents could go but they couldn't, even if they are pains in the ass.
My inlaws can be trying at times but ive tried to make sure they're as included as possible and that I'm not prioritising my parents over them, even though I'm obviously much more comfy with my family, especially at a time like that.
Alternatively you could say that your parents are bringing your other children up that evening to meet the baby but you're keeping other visitors til the next day so that the children get a chance to bond etc. x

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