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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Tactfully telling Inlaws not to come to the hospital?

95 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 10:51

After two losses last year, one very traumatic, I know this birth is going to be very emotional. I'm starting to worry about how I'll feel immediately post ELCS and it's not even until June!

With my last two children, the Inlaws came up and waited at the hospital with my parents and then they all came into the ward about 30 mins after I got back from recovery.

This time I want the children to come in first so that we can spend some time with the baby, then my parents come in for a while. I don't feel I want to share this special time with my Inlaws, DH isn't particularly close with his parents, his dad is extremely loud and tactless and his mum barely says a word most of the time. But boy do they know how to outstay their welcome, they seem obsessed with newborn babies and think it's their God given right to spend as much time as they like visiting and turning up unannounced because "they're the grandparents"

I don't mind them coming the next day, but it's how to broach the subject. They just won't get it at all that I'm going to be very emotional and need time with people I feel comfortable with only at first.

Wow that got long, any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:41

That sounds good egog. Think it's going to be best to just get DH to be totally honest about how I'm most likely going to feel and if they can't respect that, then that says a lot about them as human beings. I don't want to be worrying about this up to the birth.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 07/03/2015 11:42

Well if you'd rather be honest, then be honest.

Tell them exactly why you don't want them there, but if you are honest you will have to then put up with the fallout, arguments, hurt feelings etc.

If I were you I would lie, I'd say only the dc are visiting after the birth and make your mum and dad promise not to tell a soul they have seen the baby until the day after the birth.

Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 11:43

Thanks everyone, need to man up and just deal with it I think. This is our time, we won't be having anymore and I refuse to have it spoilt x

OP posts:
Indigoblue2 · 07/03/2015 11:44

Tranquility you don't have to justify yourself to anyone! It's irrelevant why you do or don't want them there - the only thing that matters is that it's YOUR baby and your choice, and if you don't want them there, that's all that's important. I would get DH to say you've been told the birth could be stressful on you and the baby, and the midwives have recommended it's appropriate to have visitors only after 48/36/72 hours (whatever) of recovery time, aka at home! Blame the midwives, they would be more than happy to support you, I'm sure they come across this sort of thing all the time Smile

zzzzz · 07/03/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieDee · 07/03/2015 11:46

Why can you parents be there but not them? That's a bit mean...

Heels99 · 07/03/2015 11:47

Why do you need to tell them the date, keep it vague say you won't know till nearer the time but won't be up for visits till husband lets them know.

Koalafications · 07/03/2015 11:54

Yes, the PIL's are grandparents too. However, OP is having major surgery and has the right to decide who sees her in the state she will be in afterwards.

It's one day. It's not like she's say that PIL can't ever see the baby.

basgetti · 07/03/2015 11:54

Why can you parents be there but not them? That's a bit mean...

No it isn't. OP is the patient who will have had major surgery and it is entirely up to her who she feels comfortable with in that situation. Also presumably her parents will be interested in her and concerned about her welfare as their daughter, rather than just wanting to see the baby.

Bakeoffcake · 07/03/2015 11:55

It's all very well saying "it's your baby, do what you like" but you then have to deal with the consequences of pissing off the ILs.

Yes the ILs sound a pain in the arse but it is the OP and her DH who will have to put up with the fallout of being "honest".

It's like anything in life- sometimes you have to tell little lies inorder to 1) not upset people unnecessarily and 2) make your own lives easier.

I do understand as I had to do this kind of thing with my own mother(she left when I was 3 and I was brought up by my step mum and my dad). For some reason my mother thought she had to have pole position at every occasion regarding my dds(only when they were little- she lost interest as they got older, thank god). So we did resort to lying so she didn't even k ow about certain things. If I'd been honest my life would have been so much more difficult for me as I would have had to deal with her tantrums.

Egog · 07/03/2015 12:01

Tranquillity - don't waste effort worrying about it, you don't want it to affect a magical time. Just be calm and clear- and on the same page as DH.

If you get flak from people asking why your parents and not the IL's are welcome, I found it helpful to explain that while my Mum had already seen me post-op in the past, I didn't really feel the need to subject the PILs to an image of me bleeding, vomiting, with a catheter bag proudly on display. In any other circumstances they would almost certainly never be invited to see you hours after an op!

Obviously each to their own, but I'd be tempted to just serenely insist on what you want to happen. You might change your mind later and want everyone in the world to come and see The Most Beautiful Baby That Anyone Ever Gave Birth To- in which case great, call them!

Good luck- and congratulations!

CultureSucksDownWords · 07/03/2015 12:28

It seems obvious to me that in-laws are one step further removed from the woman giving birth than her own parents. Most people are going to be ok with their mum seeing them immediately post delivery, but their MIL they just don't have the same relationship with usually.

It's not as if the OP is saying that they can never see the baby, just one day after. It's not a huge ask.

I would just tell them, say that you won't feel up to anyone else visiting until the day after and ask your DH to repeat this as necessary if they are unhappy.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2015 13:09

My PIL came to the hospital and saw me whilst I was in labour with ds1, and then came back when he was only 4 hours old, and I was entirely happy with this - my own parents were too far away to come and visit (and weren't particularly bothered either).

But the big, big difference is that they were great ILs - supportive, involved without being over-involved, and they just wanted what was best for me, the baby and dh. If I hadn't been up to visitors, I could have said so, and they would have deferred their visit, without a single complaint or implication of upset-ness. My MIL truly was an amazing MIL - she passed away from cancer, at the beginning of last December, and I am missing her desperately.

I get what people are saying about the PIL being grandparents too, and it not being fair to treat them differently - but in this life, we reap what we sow, and if you have behaved the way that Tranquillity's PIL have behaved, you should expect some consequences!

Original poster
Tranquilitybaby · 07/03/2015 13:51

Thanks for the great responses, it's really helped see that I'm not being unreasonable. I just want a day's grace that's all, not too much to ask.

OP posts:
houghtonk76 · 08/03/2015 09:41

Good luck Tranquility, feel for you. We have similar situ in that both my in-laws & parents are very lovely supportive people & clsoe relationship, but while my in-laws are sensible, calm sorts who live near to us, my parents are worriers, live 3.5 hours drive away (for good reason) & my mum was diagnosed bipolar in 2006 (totally lost plot that summer & decided to buy house in St Ives, which no one else agreed to, then did a runner & we had to search hotels for her). Mum's mum died when she was 16, which has always had big impact on our lives, as she wasn't there to help with wedding or babies. I have two sisters & one had first baby Nov 2014. Mum can get very excitable / aggresive on occasion & not always understand other people's feelings. Decided with sister she would stay for few days and since approx Sept has been saying she will come stay with us to help with baby, regardless of whether invited or not, I keep explaining that as we don't have spare room like sister, she may have to stay in hotel & that as hubby (a teacher) is on Easter hols very soon after due date, likely he will have two weeks off, so I would prefer her to visit for couple of days when he goes back to work
to help, but she doesn't really get the hint. Happy for them to visit when baby first born for few hours one day (we all visited my sister 2 days after nephew born, for few hours, which was lovely for us, but she was knackered, bless her). Know Mum wants to help & be involved, but know she won't be calming influence & will just want to go shopping & for coffee in town, which I may or may not find easy, unless its couple of weeks later! Brother-in-law has aspergers syndrome too & lives with in-laws, so in-laws may only have this one chance of grandchild and probably hubby's Mum wants to be just as involved, but is more sensible & practical about support on offer. Mum good at sister's though, helped with tidying, making tea, putting on laundry, but sister lives in rural area, we live 10 min walk from town.

houghtonk76 · 08/03/2015 09:50

Main problem is how to meet mine & hubby's need for peace & calm just after birth, while allowing my folks to be involved, but letting them / my mum down gently. It is always delicate balancing act. The major issue is of course all parents now retired so can visit whenever choose, if wish, & brother-in-law currently working 1 day a week. For a long time now (over a year) me & hubby only ones employed by employer - even my sister gave up work for pregnancy, her hubby self-employed, our other sister freelance copy editor & her hubby works in food prep & event management, trying to be self-employed. Sister lives 2 hrs drive away, other sister approx. 4-5 hours drive away.

houghtonk76 · 08/03/2015 09:54

Am having the strangest time just getting my head around starting maternity leave for 9 months end of this week, without my Mum constantly visiting to "help" too - who knows though, she may be fab & really helpful and I may be worrying for nothing...

houghtonk76 · 08/03/2015 10:01

SDT your in-laws sound like mine - lovely & sensible. Shame to hear your MIL passed away and hope you find similar support elsewhere.

HermioneWeasley · 08/03/2015 10:12

How much imagination and empathy does it take to realise that a postpartum post surgery woman might not want her Ils, who she's not particularly close to, visiting her in hospital hours after the event?

I hope to me a MIL and GM one day, and I wouldn't dream of imposing on anyone in that condition. I wouldn't assume my own daughter wanted to see me in that condition.

Oh, and in the early days and weeks, mother's parents trump father's parents. They just do. It's not unreasonable for a woman to feel comfortable trying to establish breastfeeding or wincing about her stitches in front of her parents, but not her ILs. Anyone who thinks they are equal in those early days is massively unreasonable IMO.

houghtonk76 · 08/03/2015 10:13

Oh Bakeoffcake, how much I can relate, despite my mum raising us & still being married to Dad after over 40 years; there are always rows if she doesn't get her way and our Dad was rubbish with us as kids & always at work but great with adults, mum brilliant with little kids, rubbish with teenage girls & adults! Since the bipolar & meds she does weird stuff like not taking handbag out with her, as "Dad has the money", "yes, Mum, but we're in Barcelona, you have an illness & what if you get seperated from us, don't you need your mobile & some money in case?" bit like kid herself these days, so very worried about baby staying with them when toddler, as not convinced she'll concentrate.

MythicalKings · 08/03/2015 10:19

YABU to allow your parents and not his. Both sets or none.

stolemyusername · 08/03/2015 10:35

YANBU. It's major surgery, would they insist on their right to visit if you'd been in having your appendix removed? Of course when you're in this situation you're going to want to see your own parents, a day or so won't kill them!

CultureSucksDownWords · 08/03/2015 11:26

MythicalKings can you say why you think it should be both sets of parents, or none?

Surely the woman's own parents (assuming they have a good relationship and are reasonable people) clearly have a different relationship to the in-laws? She may only have known the in-laws for a few years depending on the length of the relationship, and may not see them very regularly depending on where people live.

As it happens, my in-laws visited me after my DS was born on the same day as my parents, but I had known them for over a decade and they lived nearby so I saw them frequently. They are also lovely, kind and considerate people who wouldn't have dreamt of pressuring me, and who would have left me to it had I not felt up to it.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/03/2015 11:30

Golly, your in laws are being totally unreasonable. I've had 3 c-sections and would have wanted no-one but DH seeing me complete with catheter in on the day I had them.

Plus I am always very sick after any type of surgery.

Just tell them they can come the next day and that is it.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/03/2015 11:36

I think it is unkind to treat the sets of parents differently, but having had two C-sections I can state that i would not have been up to seeing anyone on the first day. DH brough dd to see her baby sister on the second day, not the first, as I wanted to wait until I had the catheter out etc. it isn't great for visitors having to avoid the tube going into a bag of wee etc. And the line in my hand really hurt every time I knocked it and I just wanted to lie still and not be hassled! Day two is much better. I would arrange for both sets to come on the second day tbh.