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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

DH at birth?

86 replies

trixymalixy · 22/09/2006 16:31

I would really like my DH to be at the birth, but he is not so keen.

Although he is keen to be there in the hospital he is not so keen to be in the room as he is worried it might put him off me.

I think that he would be gutted to miss it and would like his support.

I was just wondering how many of you had had your DPs at the birth and how they felt about it and whether it had affected your sex life afterwards?

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alexsmum · 22/09/2006 16:37

yes dh was at the birth of both our sons and i don't know how i'd have done it without him. he said he wouldn't have missed it for the world. he was at the business end for ds1 and said it looked so different to normal that it bore no resemblance to what he was used to , that he coulnd't connect the two and so no it didn't affect the way he saw me at all.
apart from not having as much sex because we have 2 kids, it hasn't damaged our sex life at all.in fact it's better really because we love each other so much more!

Pinkchampagne · 22/09/2006 16:38

My husband was not at the birth of either of my boys. He gave similar reasons for not wanting to be there, along with the fact he is also very squemish.
It seems he is in the minority though, as everyone else I know had their husbands/partners with them & have gone on to have more children, so it can't have affected their sex life that much!!

lemonaid · 22/09/2006 16:38

He was fine about it and didn't affect our sex life (mind you, I wound up with an emergency section, but it had all been pretty graphic up until that point. He wouldn't have missed it for the world and as I had the shakes from the anaesthetic he was the one they handed DS to first.

Many women and their DPs agree on "head end only" -- that's where he's going to be of most use, after all. You have an entire medical team to attend to the fanjo end.

I suspect once he's with you in labour he'll be so caught up in the whole thing that he won't even think about leaving.

(I also think that he should be more worried about whether leaving you when you want his support will put you off him than about his being put off you ... )

Quootiepie · 22/09/2006 16:40

DH was there... wasnt discussed or anything. Not sure how id have felt if he didnt want to be there...

mazzystar · 22/09/2006 16:41

DH was there for that, but he wanted to be there, so long as he didn't have to get his hands dirty (was appalled at the very notion of cord-cutting etc). No effect on sex life - why would it?

But what I would say is if there is any chance that he can't hack it, make sure you have someone else you can trust lined up to be birth partner. He may well change his mind nearer the time and get over his qualms. But a good friend of mine's DP, very queasy at best of times, dashed from the room after 21 hours in labour as they got the forceps out. Not helpful.

pupuce · 22/09/2006 16:42

You could have a doula... she would make sure your DH is there when he is happy to be there and make him "enjoy" the experience.

prettymum · 22/09/2006 16:45

dp at the beginning didnt want to be in the room with dc1 but changed his mind, at the end i had my dp and my 2 best friend there and they filmed it!! it was fun, but i think my friends got put off from ever having kids!!!

with dc2 he knew he wanted to be there and i made him look when ds came out, it was very intimate!!

JessaJam · 22/09/2006 16:48

DH was there. On an emotional level I was really glad he was there to support me. On another level...the trauma has put him off having another (he says 'ever'. we'll see!). It was long back to back labour ending in forceps, with threat of a cs looming. He stayed away from the business end of things so he didn't see any of the gore. As Lemonaid points out...there are professionals whose job it is to sort that stuff out, he doesn't need to be involved unless you both want him to be.

moondog · 22/09/2006 16:51

'he is worried it might put him off me'

What a charmer he sounds!!!

My dh was away for one (abroad) and it was fine though.

motherinferior · 22/09/2006 16:57

My DP wasn't much use when I was in labour - but then I don't really go in for the 'we're having a baby' approach, so as far as I was concerned it was my show - and he is a bit squeamish (didn't want to cut DD2's cord, the twit) but I'm glad, really, that he was there. (DD2 was a home birth too, and although as I say he wasn't particularly useful he does live here.)

I think if he'd missed his daughters' first few moments he'd have regretted it.

And frankly he seems really quite keen on sex despite having not only witnessed two births (admittedly at the head end) but also cleared out my birthing pool

beckybrastraps · 22/09/2006 17:00

I wanted him there. Yes he was useless, and the second time said something HUGELY inappropriate, but I still wanted him there.

CalifornifamousFanjo · 22/09/2006 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinotmum · 22/09/2006 17:07

Dh was useless at both births but hasn't regretted being there. It did put me off him though

Original poster

trixymalixy · 22/09/2006 17:09

Hmm, i haven't made my DH sound very nice!!

In his defence he is generally very supportive and is dead excited about the baby. It's our first baby and he has been on at me about having children since we got married 5 years ago.

He loves babies and when we visit our nieces and nephews no-one else can get a look in as he is the first to pick them up when they cry etc.

Which is why I think he would regret missing the first few moments of his DD/Ds's life.

My Mum is very keen to be there so it's more him missing out than the lack of support that I'm worried about.

OP posts:

CarolinaMoon · 22/09/2006 17:10

DP was a bit at all the vaginal examinations he saw.

I don't think he'd really thought through what it might be like before we actually went in to hospital, esp when the doctors got involved towards the end - a couple of them were male.

I had a caesarean in the end, so don't know if a vaginal birth would have been different, but dp hasn't shown any negative feelings towards me about it.

fwiw, I think it's not as straightforward as some people say. If things aren't progessing smoothly, it can be very stressful for partners because they aren't always sure what they're supposed to be doing and can't stop it hurting iyswim.

alexsmum · 22/09/2006 17:11

what did he say becky?

CarolinaMoon · 22/09/2006 17:16

xposted trixy.

If you're happy having your mum there, can't your dp be called for when the baby's on it's way? or a minute or two afterwards?

He might change his mind on the day and want to be in the delivery room anyway.

I don't see the point in forcing the issue tbh.

lockets · 22/09/2006 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beckybrastraps · 22/09/2006 17:18

As dd was on her way out, the very last bit, I said, well, yelled "I can't do it". Well, she was quite big and ds had been yanked out so I'd never done the final push before. Dh said "I can't I can't, you're always so negative". Even the midwife looked shocked!

alexsmum · 22/09/2006 17:23

becky!!!!!!!!!! have you forgiven him yet????????????

CarolinaMoon · 22/09/2006 17:27

did you punch him for that becky?

liquidclocks · 22/09/2006 17:32

trixymalixy - I really wanted DH there but I did give him the option and would have understood if he wasn't (my mum would've been there had he not) - he did decide to be there eventually - he had a totally easy ride - I had and epidural and we both read magazines and books until it was time to push! He did say he wouldn't look 'down there' but when it came to it he was fascinated and even cut the cord - what a turn-around!

I'd say don't make him if he doesn't want to but leave the option completely open until the very end in case he changes his mind.

YeahBut · 22/09/2006 17:38

No point in having a birth partner that isn't sure they want to be there!! Let him keep his options open. Tell him you would like him to be there but won't force him. Then line up someone (like your Mum) that definitely will be in the room with you.

beckybrastraps · 22/09/2006 18:06

I'm not sure he meant it as it came out, but no, I haven't,. Even his mother found it hard to defend him on that one!

beckybrastraps · 22/09/2006 18:09

Can I just add that he is not usually an arse. He was a bit strung up because when I was at the pushing stage with ds it all wnet pear-shpaed and he realised that no, a woman having a baby was not like lambing. But obviously I am not so understanding about the issue with him. He has paid, and will continue to do so.

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