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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

DH at birth?

86 replies

trixymalixy · 22/09/2006 16:31

I would really like my DH to be at the birth, but he is not so keen.

Although he is keen to be there in the hospital he is not so keen to be in the room as he is worried it might put him off me.

I think that he would be gutted to miss it and would like his support.

I was just wondering how many of you had had your DPs at the birth and how they felt about it and whether it had affected your sex life afterwards?

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motherinferior · 22/09/2006 18:13

I wouldn't describe DP as a birth partner, really, more an onlooker. But I seriously don't mind that.

lubella · 22/09/2006 18:34

Sorry I expect to be blasted for this but I understand totally why a guy would be put off by looking at your min in that condition. He could just stay at the other end and be supportive to you, or whatever you both feel comfortable with.

If he dosen't want to see it then that's fine - it dosen't make him a bad husband...!!??

CalifornifamousFanjo · 22/09/2006 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squishy · 22/09/2006 18:48

I may be a complete cow, but my DH has no choice (he does actually want to be there) - he wanted this baby; he got me in this state, I need him there when it comes out!!! There's no-one else I could or would have and he needs to support me!

I did have to apply pressure for him to come to ante-natal - he said that he didn't get anything out of it; so I had to point out that I don't ask for much support in anything, but his company to these classes was something I needed....

3andnomore · 22/09/2006 19:05

Hi there...well, maybe your dh and your mom could attentd as Birth partners, so, if your dh feels he can't cope you won't be left in the lurge, but I think he mighty truely regrett it if he wasn't there at all...you say he was pushing you to have children, or at least has always wanted them...well..he put it there, so, he should also be with you and support you through this important experience...but of course he is not gonna be of any use to you if he truely doesn't want to be there...but tbh, I find that a very selfish opinion...afterall..you can't just say, well, I maybe pg but I am not gonna be there if it's born;)

mrsdarcy · 22/09/2006 19:19

My DH really wasn't sure about being there when DS1 was born and got a bit worked up at all the pressure he felt under to be there. He was there in the end, and was pretty good. He was there for our other children too.

He wasn't there for "the boring bit" (ie boring for him ) - induction with 2 of them, and early labour with 1. He starts being useful at about 8cm.

Peridot30 · 22/09/2006 20:10

lol at squishy. Thats exactly what i said to dh!!!
midwife asked if he wanted to see the babys head coming out but politely declined and stayed holding my hand. Your dh doesn't need to see anything he doesn't want to see. Good luck x

lilymolly · 22/09/2006 20:41

my dp was there through the birth Vontouse, episioptomy and all!!! He said it was amazing, and actually he told me things much later on (about 4 months) that I had said and what had happened etc. He was able to se the whole experience in a different light, and told me things I could not remember doing and saying He even had to clean me up "down there" later on in the day cos midwifes where too busy and there was gunge everywhere (tmi) but thats a whole other story.........

To be honest the whole experience has stopped all inhibitions that I once had about him looking down there! post delivery after stiches and infection, he had to check everyday and report on the state of my fanjo cos I was terrified to look!!
I think that it is wonderful that he still finds my attractive etc and I love him even more for doing that for me.

However my dad fainted when I was born!! so all men are different.

lilymolly · 22/09/2006 20:43

Oh forgot to tell you that he refused to cut the cord, so he was obviously squemish about that and I was fine about it.

tribpot · 22/09/2006 20:49

My dh was there. He did a fantastic job and I wouldn't have it any other way. (Obviously I gave out absolute shite to him at the time but I do think that was my right).

We were watching the ep of ER recently where Carol has her twins down in the ER, and he said "I don't think you should watch this, it's too traumatic". I had seen it before, before giving birth, and basically watched it and said "that happened too quick, they wouldn't that", etc. He found it much harder going than me.

I think having a child is a job for two people, as far as it can be for as long as it can be. Obv you are not a bad father if you did miss the birth (wish we could!) and obv you are not a bad mother if (for whatever reason) the dad won't attend the birth. But honestly, the dad should be there if he will be there and can be there. The first breath, the first moment. It never comes again.

lucy5 · 22/09/2006 20:52

It's something you have to discuss together. Personally I think it is important that he's there, maybe he could stay at the head end. My dh didn't find it easy, mainly because I was in pain and he couldn't do much. I think I would have resented it if he wasn't but everyone is different. I think it gave him a real admiration of me and what I went through.

NotSoUselessMum · 22/09/2006 20:58

DH was brilliant too. but only once he was convinced that yes I was in labour. (He fell asleep while keeping count of the time in between!)

He was great support, I put all my trust in him, and if he wasn't for him wispering in my ear to go on, I wouldn't have done the last push - DD would still be in there, trust me.

It is such a great thing to share and all the memories I've got of the before, during and after have the two of us in it.

But then again, although very squeamish - and no way he was going to cut the cord - he always wanted to be there.

the last thing you need is someone who's not so keen.

like it has been said before, see how it goes.

BTW we had sex very soon, too soon maybe and everything was fine.

having said that i know of others whose DH was put off, but I think there are other reason behind it.

PinkyRed · 22/09/2006 23:15

My dh was with me for the birth, and there's no way he would have wanted to miss it. I had quite a hard time and I really needed his support - I don't know if you have your mum or someone else who can be with you, but I think you really need someone there apart from the professionals, no matter how good they are.

Also really agree with Lilymolly about them remembering bits that you forget, especially if you have any drugs. I found it really difficult getting over the fact that I hadn't had the birth I'd wanted, and it really helped when me and dh spent an evening talking through the whole labour and birth over a bottle of wine, with him reminding me of bits I'd forgotten - and also telling me how amazing women in general, and me in particular, are for going through it all!

beegee · 23/09/2006 12:16

Had my mum there for my 2nd. I had a homebirth and all she did was sit there drinking tea...but it was brilliant to have her there. At one mo when i thought about giving up i turned to her and said - mum, i can't do this. All she said was - 'it'll be alright' and this was the most comforting moment during the whole labour. Having someone there who's been through labour (and someone you trust) was great.

My dp was there at both my labours and was great...but, nothing like having my mums presence! (haven't told him that tho!)

izzybiz · 23/09/2006 12:19

My Dp was with me when i had our daughter, he was fantastic!
He did everything i was asking him to do, and ive never felt as close to him as i did as she was born.
I know it sounds cheesey, but it was a beautiful moment.
He fed her and got her dressed, i think it helped them bond too.

izzybiz · 23/09/2006 12:20

Should add, he was never "put off" either!

LieselVonTrapp · 23/09/2006 12:21

DH so wanted to be at birth but was unable as I had emergency c-section. Its one of my biggest regrets.

fattiemumma · 23/09/2006 12:25

i think that in the majority of cases it has quite the opposit effect.

seeing a miracle like birth is an incredibly moving moment.
i actually think that my XP loved me even more after birth because he saw how hard it was, the pain i was in and the fact that i had done all of that to give his child life.

don't push the idea on him though, if he isn't comfortable then the added pressure will just make him feel worse.
try tellinghim that if he feels he may be put off of you then he could stay up the "clean end" ?
or stay to offer you support but when it gets a bit messy he could leave then?
i would imagine that he would find it difficult to leave once it all gets going and he will be drawn into the magic of the moment the saem as everyone else

PinkTulips · 23/09/2006 12:27

for dd we had a head end only policy, my wishes not his, and he was fantastic support, holding me and getting me drinks of water between contractions.

with ds i had wanted the same arrangment but thanks to the mw insisting i move onto my back to check how far dilated i was (he was crowning ffs!) and not being able to move back dp got the full show, and i must say he was suitably awed and impressed surprisingly he even jumped at the chance to cut the cord despite biting my head off for merely suggesting it a few weeks previously!

he realy found it an amazing experiance and said it made the whole experiance more real to him..... with dd he just knew i was in pain and suddenly a baby landed on the delivery table (she literally fell out), whereas with ds he saw the whole thing. i must say he was far more aware of what i hd to do to get him out too which is no bad thing!

chubszuki · 23/09/2006 14:58

hi trixymalixy,
im due oct 15th and like yours my dp dosnt want to be in room when baby arrives for same reasons and hes quite squeemish! i was a bit annoyed about this at first but after the last 37wks of very unsexy changes and moning , i have to admit i agree with him and dont want him there (although he HAS to be in the hospital!!) Hes happy im happy, sorted . everyones different, hope you everything works out for you.
xx

Olihan · 23/09/2006 15:50

My dh is also very squeamish - he's nearly passed out watching birth programmes on TV - but he was there for the birth of ds and dd and will be there for dc3 in Dec. Despite what he thought, he actually got quite caught up in all and gradually made his way from my head to the 'action' zone and got very excited at the pushing stage when he caught the first glimpse of ds's head.

He wasn't a huge amount of use while I was labouring, mainly because I just wanted to retreat into myself and get on with it so he mainly passed cups of water and the gas and air pipe. But I couldn't have done it without him there and I think, despite his reservations, he would have been gutted if he'd missed it.

Could your dh could be there while you are labouring and leave the room for any bits he feels uncomfortable/squeamish with? He could always hover outside the door while you were pushing so he gets to see your dc as soon as it's born. I'd put a decent amount of money on the fact that he would actually stay with you once he was there - I think the thought is worse than the actual event, because it's so unknown.

Either way, I'd have someone else there as a birth partner so he has someone to look after him a bit too!!

Original poster

trixymalixy · 23/09/2006 16:50

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

I liked the comment that I can't exactly choose to not be there for the birth!!I'll point that out to him!!

I think I will be able to persuade him to be there as long as he stays at the head end (tbh I don't think I'd want him seeing anything at the other end anyway!) and he can go out of the room if he really needs to. I think that once he's there he won't want to miss anything anyway. I'll have my Mum there as well in case he does chicken out on me.

OP posts:

dollyp · 23/09/2006 16:53

I had DH at the birth of DD, and am not sure that I would do it again for the whole thing, tbh. I had an horrific labour, with failed induction, all sorts of intervention etc etc and poor DH had to just sit there really and watch me in pain with nothing he could do about it. I also felt that it was a job which I had to do alone - in the same way as revising for an exam or running a race. He had to help with breathing at one point, and I just found it a bit irritating as he kept saying "you're doing really well" when I clearly wasn't! I just felt with the benefit of hindsight that it wasn't really fair to him to watch me go through all that, esp when I didn't find it that helpful

I am pg again now and for medical reasons may have to have a CS anyway. If I do, then DH will be there throughout as he won't have to see me suffer. If I labour though, I may investigate a doula instead and just have DH there for the actual birth. That would be my choice not his - he is happy to be there for the whole thing but is overall prepared to be guided by what I want on the day.

It hasn't affected our sex life at all. I think having a small baby is the one which changes that! In your situation, I would be hesistant to force a reluctant DH into the delivery room throughout and would get the back up from your mum/ friend / doula etc. He can then just come in for the last bit. Ultimately though it is a joint decision, that only you 2 can make.

HTH.

ANAconda · 23/09/2006 20:46

hi trixy. we went on a course run by "bumptobaby" which was excellent. Lots of useful thoughts and planning on how birth partners can make themselves useful. i'd really recommend it for helping your DP to think htrough how he can contribute tot he birth experience and to educate you both about what might happen.

kimi · 23/09/2006 21:47

DH missed the birth of DS1 as it very quick and he was still on the way to the hospital, but was there for the birth of DS2 (also a quick birth).
He thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world (although he was abit unsure about it before hand) he was upset at missing DS1 being born.
I think your husband will regret it if he does not stay with you for the birth, he can always "stay at the talking end"
good luck xx

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