Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I thought you were quite reasonable but now you are just being pwecious and ridiculous.

In defence of Simba, the stories do sound horrific - until you go through this you have no idea that this is normal.

Well done on taking the advice Simba and hope all goes well.

Your DW, you and your DC will be your main family unit from now on.

Oh dear OP, I thought you got it? These aren't horror stories. They are normal stories of first births. They are the reality of having a baby. A lot of what has been talked about is the bit they don't show on OBEM. The bit after they show you the lovely baby and then say 'cut'.

I do get that NCT, etc try to be relentlessly upbeat to try and encourage parents to go in confident. But the reality is that very little of what you have been told is unusual. How about this:

My NCT group was 6 couples.

-One planned section

-One long labour (2+ days) ending in emergency section

-One long labour (2+ days) ending in forceps

• Two straightforward labours, one with epidural. One with stitches.

• One very fast labour.

So, of those six women, only one didn't need stitches. Two had been through major surgery and one an instrumental delivery. The very fast labour barely made it to the hospital and was shell shocked and overwhelmed.

That is a fairly representative sample of first time mothers I think. There is no archetype, obviously, but it's not unusual.

None of those women are 'horror stories', they are normal.

Even on a perfect scenario, imagine a glorious, calm water birth (it does happen, even first time, for some women). The likelihood in this wonderful, perfect scenario is probably:

• An exhausting labour with probably the greatest pain she has ever known (assuming she has been lucky health-wise the rest of her life)

-A tear of some description requiring some level of stitching. If she has none, she is very lucky, but she will still be stretched and very, very sore.

-Blood coming from her vagina every time she moves. A pad the size of a brick tucked inside her enormous pants

• Probably at least one night without sleep and every muscle in her body aching.

• If she wants to breastfeed, sitting around with her boobs out, confused about whether she's getting it right or not.

And that's the perfect scenario.

If you think you are being told horror stories, I am afraid you have a lot to learn about the realities and gore of childbirth.

Agree with others these are horror stories these are just birth stories- I honestly don't know a single person who didn't have stitches

As a 1st timer (so far successful - I've had MCs so know some of the indignities :( ) I think this might explain your wife's driving off:
^"But a common reaaon why people think I was is because they were relating my situation, to their own (understandable), which many of them did have some complications or horror storries.

There have been some extremely graphic accounts of complications before and after birth which then impact on the question I asked."^

Women talk to women. We know the 1st birth is the hardest. We know having stitches etc' is the norm not a horror story.

FFS I just posted in profuse relief because I found out the stitches and pissing myself won't always last for years just weeks.

The alternative is a C section which is major surgery with the associated risks (and the most major surgery they'll do while someone's still awake).
And we're absolutely crapping ourselves about it. Men don't realise this.

Yes, we're frightened enough to want to run away!

Just wanted to add my perspective. I had DS by planned c section so due date was known by all. I knew my ILs wanted to meet the baby as soon as possible so agreed they could come to visiting hours the day after but that they would then not come back until a few weeks after as I just wanted to bunker down as our new family.
By the second day I was still having trouble establishing feeding and it was ok but stressful having them there. They then decided they would stay an extra night so they could come back the next day and it led to even more stress as I was upset with this as there visits were making it more difficult for me to try and express and try and feed. DH had to have an awkward conversation with them to say they could stay in the hotel another night if they wanted but they weren't getting back into visit. I felt bad making him do this and it made things worse.
I wish like your wife I had said they could visit when I was ready. This was a very straight forward section and I wasn't as tired and sore as your average women is after labour. Is your wife worried that they might push things as well? She probably just doesn't want the pressure of a deadline when things are so uncertain. It's great you've recognised you were BU but I just wanted to give you some more insight into how it can feel. Hope it goes well.

Oh dear, you were doing so well. Firstly, you are still focusing on the wrong issue. Place the power to make this decision entirely in your DW's hands. She is unlikely to want to think about it at all until after the birth, once she's comfortable. Accept that.

(Also, listen to her about the rift with your parents, just listen. It's a big issue which may have continuing implications. You need to understand her position, her feelings, fully, before you have any chance of things improving).

Focusing on the details of birth, so trying to deduce how long afterwards she might feel ready for visitors (or you think you can get away with using your stance as a 'reasonable person' to impose them upon her) is the wrong thing and, after everything that's been said here, not an intelligent thing, to do. You are not the paragon of reason you think you are. You are allowing your emotions, about your parents, your hopes and your dreams, to run away with you.

On the birth, you are being naive. Most people are before their first, it's normal. You need to believe these experienced people here, who you've consulted for their expert insight and advice. Their reason, knowledge and kindness in helping you have not been detailed by their particular individual experience.

Think about this; there's nothing in your thread title to attract people with difficult birth stories, or encourage bias in your sample in those terms at all.

My ante-natal class included ten women. Two or three had planned sections. Most of us wanted to use birthing pools with minimum intervention. I remember a conversation when we were genuinely puzzled as to why more women didn't use the pools.

One of us gave birth in the pool. Others had various experiences that meant we couldn't. Then we understood; it wasn't for lack of desire for a floaty, simple birth that many people don't have them.

If you asked, I'd say I had a really straightforward birth. Labour ten hours, TENS and gas and air. Only eight hours in hospital before we came home, direct from the delivery suite.

But, I had a second degree tear, was examined to see if it had gone through to my rectum, so required surgery (to prevent faecal incontinence). It hadn't, so just lots of stitches. It hurt to sit down for three weeks and for at least the first week, I timed all wees according to my three-hourly pain medication being at most effective (just paracetamol but it helped, a lot).

No horror stories here! Just normal births.

I find this sort of thread so depressing. Why on earth shouldn't an excited new dad want to show his mum his new baby as soon as possible? I know my partner did. I find this "whatever the mother wants goes, no matter how selfish and unreasonable" attitude utterly bizarre. Obviously most(!) people wouldn't want their mother in law actually there while they give birth- but a quick visit and a cuddle once they are both safely back on the ward can't hurt, can it? Or if the mother really doesn't want to see anyone's can't the dad take the baby out to meet his parents in the visitor's room or something?
Dads have rights too. And being pregnant and giving birth does not actually absolve you from any semblance of civilised behaviour.

I meant to say, you shouldn't regret posting again. You had some preconceptions, which were wrong. It's only by opening preconceptions up to scrutiny that we discover how naive, misguided or imaginative we were being. Scales falling from eyes! You are now a (much!) better informed person than you were. That's good, isn't it.

I think the point is that relations have broken down. I'd guess they have overstepped boundaries in the past if she is worried about them handing around the hospital if they find out she is in labour. If my DH was insisting his parents could visit immediately I would be pretty pissed off. T sounds like she's just trying to retain some control. The OP makes it sound like making them wait even a few hours after the birth is unfair. If this is the case it might be this has pushed her to an extreme position of saying it may even be a few weeks to get the space she needs.

Oh good luck.

My labours were all quick and natural, it can happen.

My ILs (in-laws) who are lovely, still waited for us to call and let them know when to visit.

They are marvellous ILs though, they never press, offer unwanted advice nor tell me how things were done in their days.

The children have a great relationship with them.

I just don't get this. Why aren't new dads allowed to be excited and want to show their mums their new baby? My Dp would have been so upset and disappointed if I had thrown a hissy fit and said "your parents have to wait a week before they can meet their new grandchild"- and I wouldn't have dreamed of being so unfair. If she doesn't want to meet his parents that's fine- she can stay tucked up in bed upstairs while baby worship takes place in the living room.

Right then

I have had five, easy, no problems births. I still refused to see anyone I didn't want to until I was ready. And even then it was an effort.

So let's imagine your dw has the same first experience as me;
No epidural, no stitches. Quick and easy.
I was still sore, bleeding, knackered and hormonal. In days 3 -5 ish milk came in and I was hormonal (baby blues, normal btw), sore and engorged. And more tired than ever before in my life.

You need to be thinking in terms of days rather than hours, and please let your wife be the judge on who comes, when and for how long. This is one of those times you just have to, within reason, suck it up.

Yep, another saying these aren't horror stories, these are normal discriptions - I thought I'd had a bad time having DC1, but it was only afterwards I realised that this was pretty normal (except I needed a blood transfusion, most don't).

I'd offer the compromise, it might be that both your mum and her mum visit in the first official hospital visiting hours if she feels up to it, you won't call either until the baby is safely arrived and you will try to limit your parents to a 30 minute visit for the first visit.

My husband took a couple of photos of me and our first baby on the recovery suite. I looked like I'd been through a war zone. Tanked on morphine, 72 hours of labour, ashen and blasted. Looking at my subsequent ante-/post-natal group, I thought about the historically high maternal mortality rate - and how, even in this day and age, it's a brutal and death-defying business. Even the woman who delivered naturally ended up with the baby spending a week in scbu. My MIL didn't visit until we got home, when I was still struggling with feeding and suffering post-delivery (post-Caesarean?) swelling.

My own parents had behaved so badly in the immediate run up to the birth - and suggested personal failure in the operative outcome - that I couldn't deal with them. We no longer have any contact, for very many historical reasons, but the way they behaved around my delivery was a significant factor in the initial rupture. Didn't stop me desperately wanting a Mum. Just not my own.

This idea of equal rights for both sets of grandparents is rubbish. The most important thing is mother-and-baby. The unit. And at that point, the emotional needs of the mother need to be met to help her fulfil that role. If she wants to hole up in a bunker, dig the bunker. And anyone adult enough to put the child first should understand that.

I don't think talking about rights is helpful here Matorana. If he keeps pushing for his and his parents' wishes, or takes a 'rights' perspective (even in his head), his DW will continue to be defensive and this may become an entrenched habit with lasting effects. If he backs off completely and leaves her to decide, she may feel comfortable enough to propose a visit in the days after the birth.

We're just helping him use a bit of psychology to get what he wants - and what is desirable for everyone, baby included: a good relationship amongst all concerned.

There is also the much bigger issue of the rift between his wife and parents, which we don't know, or need to know about but which may be colouring all of this massively. While he doesn't owe us any explanation, it is a interesting, possibly odd, that he mentions it in passing but gives no hint of addressing it as the underlying issue in this scenario.

Martorana - But the OPs wife hasn't said that they need to wait a week. His original complaint was that she had said it might be "many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth." That reads to me as a woman who was being pushed to say exactly how many hours after the birth she would allow visitors and is pushing back as hard as possible with "when I am ready". Not as one who is saying "I won't allow your parents to visit for a week." She sounds like she is giving the extreme end to try and get her husband to understand that she can't put a number on it. The OP wanted to call when she was in labour when they only have a two hour journey, so basically pushing for a visit in the very first few hours after birth.

People seem to be ignoring my suggestion that the mother stays upstairs in bed and the father takes the baby down to meet his parents.

Because that doesn't t fit the received wisdom on Mumsnet (but not, as far as I am aware in real life) that the most ridiculous strops and tantrums and unreasonable behaviour are perfectly acceptable in a pregnant or post partum woman. And that the father is just a bit part supporting actor and his parents aren't even in the same theatre!

XP's parents descended on me 6hrs after an overnight labour and emergency section. They proceeded to stand around watching me in high dependency while I puked my guts up post-op. No, I've not forgiven them after 7yrs, and I never will. My family were almost as bad.
What fuckwit thinks it's ok to visit someone exhausted and in huge pain .

With DC2 I e-mailed my family and said short visits only when I am ready and I'm not making anyone any tea. They came to see me quickly in the hospital, but they were flying 10 min visits as I'd put the fear of God into them. XP had to speak to his family and they didn't turn up for 2 weeks, result .

Yes, meglet- that was incredibly unreasonable, stupid and insensitive of them.

But there is compromise.

OP I've been very lucky - 2 very quick births - 3 hours for ds and 61 minutes for dd (a bit scary 1st time round as it wasn't what I expected!). First one required ventouse and a couple of stitches. Second time nothing - although no doubt that was largely due to having already gone through childbirth once. The post natal stuff after the first birth was still challenging - really sore, painful just to sit. Terrified of pooing as it felt I would just tear in two - if this is what it felt with a couple of stitches god knows how bad it could be. And despite having only endured 3 hours I was exhausted beyond belief - and I do triathlons so its not like I am unused to physical exertion. So even a very straightforward birth is going to knock your wife for 6 and will, at times, seem to you like a horror film. I know my dh struggled at times. In my antenatal group there was 1 cs, 1 ventouse, 1 baby very nearly died and was in hospital for a number of weeks. The only one who had a completely natural birth with no stitches had a 10lb-er. Go figure. So its not that we are trying to scare you, but you are far better to be prepared.

Martorana - Well that suggestion does assume a much longer wait for a visit than the OP was originally comfortable with. For his wife to stay upstairs (and, particularly if relations are tense, this might not be constructive) she needs to be at home. So we are probably talking minimum 12 hours after the birth (to get back, tell them you are back, allowing for the fact that, unless she gets discharged first thing, there is likely to be some night/evening involved). And we might easily be talking 24 hours to three days.

The way I read it, the dw is saying she might be ok to see them hours after the birth, but equally, in about a week. She doesn't know yet does she? This isn't unreasonable, it's sensible.

I also earlier suggested them coming to the hospital and the alan bringing the baby out to meet them. This was ignored too.

YAVBU.

My inlaws arrived at hospital uninvited whilst I was in labour and wouldnt leave until they saw our son. They then went home to my house to stay to 'help' for a week. My MIL then bossed me around in my own home. I felt too awful to tell them to piss off, although I really wanted to and resented my (now ex) H for not getting rid of them as they were invading my privacy.

This also stopped my parents visiting for more than a couple of hours as there was no spare room for them to stay in overnight.

I cant tell you how pleased I was to see the back of them. I was also massively pissed off with my H at a time when we should have been bought closer by our new arrival.

Your choice OP. Why dont you just go with what your wife wants?