Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

If Simba has seen the last posts by Math & Fetchez, methinks he will have slunk off with his tail between his legs.

Very well put, both of you!

There are some fantastic posts on here with so much time and effort gone into them I am truly grateful. Some are balanced and that helps me to understand what perhaps I should be thinking and doing, more than those which just slate me. I respect that may be what you wish to say but its only natural human instinct to not take just crude criticism as well as a more balanced, but ultimately critical assessment of me.

I am English and with no specific cultural upbringing to influence my views one way or another. I certainly don't feel I am as self centred as people are making out or worried that the attention will not be on me....other thanfrom my mother who gave up her job to care for me for much of my younger years.

But I am starting to self reflect that I am more of a control freak than I had realised. To what extent I probably need to think about more and how this impacts on my dw in particular.

Tonight has seen unexpected events which sadly have ended badly with me on the sofa! My dw has felt unwell the past couple of days and had pains on her side so went to hospital to get checked out. I joined her asap and we have spent the last 5 hours there. Thankfully there is nothing serious to worry about and all is perfect my the doctors assessments.

Because we were waiting so long and had no signal in the hospital I stepped outside to call my dw mum to let her know howvshe was getting on. When I finished the call I called my dad to let him know where we were and that there was nothing to worry about but let them know where we were. This was as much for me to get a bit of support and reassurance as much as anything else at atime I didn't want my wife to see that I was worried for both mum and baby, but instead just focus on supporting her. As we were leaving the hospital waiting for a taxi I told her I had spoken to my parents to mainly let them know where we were, that they hope she is ok and offered help as always if we wished. My dw was furious I had called them, told me this proves I cant be trusted to not tell them when she goes into labour (a point I can understand), that she now doesn't want me at the birth, doesn't want anything more to do with me and refused to get in the taxi as she would stay at a hostel rather than come home.

Her driving off is a standard way for her to deal with things she cant cope with. Driving irrationally while pregnant and with me in the car has happened before and scared me so much I went to the gp for help for myself to know how to cope with such behaviour.

I don't expect anyone to fully understand someone elses situation unless they have walked in their shoes. General consensus is that I am being unreasonable. Fact is im scared. For mum and baby. If I can rationalise that her behaviour is unreasonable then it helps me to know I need to continue to support her to cope better with things. But if it is me that actually has unrealistic expectations of how she behaves because of how I have been brought up to cope with difficult situations..more often than not by smiling to cover up my true emotions then I know it is me that needs help

Simba- I'll say that it appears, if you are sincere, that you are willing to seek help. Please do so, even if your DW does not go with you You say you are scared. That's natural for a first pregnancy. But you are not handling your fear in a constructive way. Again, counseling will give you the tools to do so.

You have badly frightened your DW, intentionally or unintentionally. It will be a long hard road for you to rebuild the trust she has lost. But the only thing you can control is your own behaviour, you cannot control hers, as I'm hoping you have learned.

Seek professional counseling, couples counseling if she will go. Tell her you think that's the best way to reach understanding, together, of what is best for all of you. But go alone if she will not.

No, you are not scared for your wife or your baby. You are scared for yourself. This impending delivery is a major life crisis for you.

You cannot support your wife while you are in fact outside the hospital crying on the shoulders of both sets of grandparents. You chose to put your needs before hers and yo let her down.

Your wife is not unreasonable to be spitting nails that you have drawn attention yourself this evening in this minor business, and that you ended up letting others intrude on her privacy. She is absolutely right to conclude that you are not to be trusted while she is in labour or in the delivery room. She has probably concluded that when the shit really hits the fan you will be as useful as the proverbial chocolate teapot. She is probably right.

You need to grow up fast and do exactly what your wife says as far as supporting her goes, or you will not have a wife to support or a baby to enjoy apart from weekend visitation, which will be limited as a newborn. Get used to playing the supporting role. You are not the star of your own show any more. You are not the patient.

You have got to start listening to your wife and doing what she asks. You are behaving as if her wishes do not matter, and all that matters instead is you and your feelings. You are driving this woman nuts.

All she is asking is that you stop reaching out for mummy, any mummy, and be an adult demonstrating in everything that you do that you are fully committed to your spouse. It is not too much to ask. This is what adult men do when their wives are pregnant and need support. She is not being unreasonable. She is being completely normal.

By the sound of things it may already be too late.

You have mother/child problems that you urgently need to come to grips with and I suggest therapy.

I thnk as ever you are being unreasonable and not being strong. You need to support your wife.

I regard things like birth as very private. I did not want any relatives knowing. I did not tell any family I was pregnant until 4 or 5 months. If I got cancer and was dying I would carry on as usual and not tell anyone. Plenty of us want privacy and want to control our own private information and situation. Your wife sounds a bit like I am. We did not tell any relatives when i went into labour any of the 5 times. For example the baby might die in labour. You might want to handle that alone without the extra hassle of relatives around - that is how I would have wanted it. People just differ. You and your wife are very different and she is the one having the baby. You are going to have to follow her wants on this. That she is going into labour is her private information - in fact under the Data Protection Act 1998 it is sensitive personal data and she not you controls who that is passed to.

Now this I don't get - why would you have to sleep on the sofa if your wife refused the taxi home and stayed in a hostel?

Glad all is well with the baby. And it's a pity for you that your wife doesn't want you at the birth, but on the plus side she can now find a supportive birth partner.

Well done for starting to reflect, OP. That's a massive step.

And for telling us. The way you've kept coming back has been unusual and suggests both that you have the hide of a rhino and, either that you're desperate to explain and work through things, or control and justify things. I think we've had a strong sense of which. I hope your recognising that too can help you move from one to the other.

Glad all is well with the baby and hope that continues and you get to enjoy what is an amazing time in anyone's life.

OP, can you understand why your DW was angry?

I told her I had spoken to my parents to mainly let them know where we were, that they hope she is ok and offered help as always if we wished. My dw was furious I had called them, told me this proves I cant be trusted to not tell them when she goes into labour (a point I can understand), that she now doesn't want me at the birth, doesn't want anything more to do with me and refused to get in the taxi as she would stay at a hostel rather than come home.

Pigeons learn faster than you, simba.

I cannot believe you called your parents, and then told your wife about it - you must have known it would deeply upset her. Every person reading this thread would have known that - why didn't you?

You need to understand that your marriage is on very thin ice here. If that was me, I wouldn't let you any near me whilst giving birth - because she's right. You can't be trusted to put her first - you go running to mummy first "because you need support" and put your wife second.

I despair for you - you're your own worst enemy.

Every time you drop some food on he floor or make a mess do you call mummy for a shoulder?!

Grow up man

She didn't want people knowing, fussing and fannying over her, you might, but it's not about you

Your annoying me, and I don't know you, and less of the exclamation marks too if you don't mind, your coming across as a right drama queen

Well done for starting to reflect, OP. That's a massive step.

• I agree it's a good start. OP, have you apologised to your DW for your unreasonableness in talking to a third party about her medical condition without her permission?

If I can rationalise that her behaviour is unreasonable then it helps me to know I need to continue to support her to cope better with things. But if it is me that actually has unrealistic expectations of how she behaves (...) then I know it is me that needs help

By George, I think he's getting it!

Simba, I haven't been your greatest supporter on this thread but to be fair, I can quite see why you would want to keep your parents in the loop (about going to hospital) as well as your wife's. Given recent events, however, it was probably not a smart move to call them without first running it past your wife. You must have had a fair idea that she wouldn't be best pleased- as Sabrina said, everyone on this thread would have predicted that reaction and we've never even met your wife- did you do it on purpose?

"I told her I had spoken to my parents to mainly let them know where we were"

Why did they need to know?

I think this is important because it's about the boundary between your marriage and your relationship with your parents. You seem to have a need to keep your parents up to date with what's going on in your life. On one level there's nothing wrong with that, of course they should know roughly what's going on, but they don't need a blow by blow account - they could have waited until today to find out that you and your DW had to go to the hospital yesterday, they didn't need to know at the time, particularly when you were needed in that hospital to support your DW, rather than looking for support for yourself.

I think this is a really serious problem because what you told your DW last night, is that you're not capable of supporting her during labour, because you need too much support yourself to have any left over for her.

Simba that is really sad. I am actually beginning to feel a bit sorry for you because you clearly do want to sort things out, it's just that you have been socialised to only listen to stuff you want to hear and to block out uncomfortable other stuff that you don't want to hear. Can I suggest again counselling, both couples counselling for yourself and your DW if she's willing and definitely counselling for you because as the partner of a pregnant woman, you need to be able to understand just how inappropriate it is, to be talking about support for yourself while trying to access a form of support that makes your DW hysterical and further undermines your relationship.

Keep thinking, keep reading, keep an open mind. People here have endless patience even with someone who has come over as intransigent and self-obsessed as you - if there's a little chink of light where people feel they're getting through, they will persist in trying to give you helpful advice, however much you don't want to hear it.

Stop running to mummy!!
I appreciate she's your mum and you want support, but you cannot turn to her about matters concerning your wife - it is rude and disrespectful.

When it comes to personal issues, you must learn to ask your wife what, if anything, she is happy for you to share with whom. You should have asked her - do you want me to let your mum know? Is it ok if I let my mum know? If she says no, that is her right - totally, completely and without question.

You can seek the support of your mum for any of your own personal issues, but not those of your wife - and that includes her pregnancy. It is HER who is pregnant, not you. The baby is yours jointly, but you are not pregnant, she is.

How would you feel if some of your personal or medical issues, were shared by someone else, with someone you didn't like? Would you trust that person with more personal information?

Support your wife, support each other, support yourself.

But if it is me that actually has unrealistic expectations of how she behaves because of how I have been brought up to cope with difficult situations..more often than not by smiling to cover up my true emotions then I know it is me that needs help

This. People who deal with controlling family members sometimes get incredibly angry and frustrated as your wife does. The controlling member then sees themselves as 'victim' or that the other person is 'crazy' and they should still control them. A vicious cycle starts.
Break the cycle: go get help.
You don't want to become an abusive father/husband - few people cynically do - but you are letting yourself slip into the cycle.

Simba, it strikes me that you have very carefully learned the language of victimhood and faux concern as a means for getting what you want. Hence: This was as much for me to get a bit of support and reassurance as much as anything else at a time I didn't want my wife to see that I was worried for both mum and baby, but instead just focus on supporting her.

If you actually want to support your wife, don't do things you know will upset her. Otherwise she will conclude that the aim is actually to hurt her. Would she be right to draw that conclusion?

Driving irrationally while pregnant and with me in the car has happened before and scared me so much I went to the gp for help for myself to know how to cope with such behaviour. Again, control dressed up in the language of victimhood. I don't know what you mean by driving irrationally, but now I'm not at all surprised that you would consider using the labour ward doctors to make her submit to visitors - because you've already tried to involve your GP against her when she does something you disapprove of!

If you pursue counselling you should do it separately.

What does "driving irrationally" actually mean?

Going on the motorway and doing 90mph while weaving in order to scare the passenger?

Driving to Leeds when you live in Manchester?

Just driving when the other person wants to?

One of the problems with all your posts Simba is that you present things as fact - eg: "driving irrationally" - while not actually specifying factually what she has done. If I could be arsed I'd go back and look at your posts to find out whether you have actually given many facts - my impression is that you haven't, you've presented things as fact such as "she has crossed a line", while not actually saying what the line is and not giving any details as to why she crossed that line and you are making her sound as if she is a bloody lunatic.

This is an extremely dishonest and manipulative way to talk or write about someone. The unwary won't notice that you are short on factual details while using extremely emotive language, but something will jar because this is the way abusers talk about their victims - no actual facts, but lots of negativity. That is one of the reasons you come across as an unreliable witness and it's one of the reasons why every time you post, a red flag goes up. I know that it looks as though people are digging through your posts to find the worst interpretation, but it is because you are coming across as one of those abusive men. This is the internet and none of us can know if you are or not, but the very fact that a bunch of randoms on a mother's site have picked up such strong signals from you, should be a cause for real, honest reflection for you.

Here's the good news: you have a choice. You can break this cycle, but you need to acknowledge it and seek professional help. If you do, you have a real chance of improving your life and that of your DW and your child.

And what FairPhyllis has said is a useful reminder. Abusers often learn the language of victimhood in order to more effectively abuse.

Mate you NEED to stop running everything past your parents (did you call hers too?) Trust me my husband has a similar relationship with his mother and itIis wearing in the extreme, over the years it has caused a lot of arguments and has in fact meant that our children see her as a "problem" and are not as close as they would have been if this had not been the case. I do see this as sad I would have liked a better relationship with her but I am not a child and I have been forced into an all or nothing decision no way am I letting her tell me how to raise my children or telling her know when we go out so I will help her practcally but keep her at arms length.

Your wife NEEDS to see you as a man/husband not as a boy/son, if you want this marriage to thrive you NEED this too.

Setting boundaries gets harder the longer you leave it So start now

Scuse that being garbled. ...damn phone

Kids who are emotionally abused behave 'irrationally'. Their parents use it as an excuse as to why they need so much control/criticism etc'. They also believe the kid complaining is always irrational.

The way your wife behaves and the way you report it sounds so familiar to me- like the above.

Sound familiar? stop now please!!

What Basil said.

Using the phrase "driving irrationally" is meant to imply negativity and fault on the part of your wife without actually committing yourself to saying she is driving dangerously. I think if she was actually driving dangerously you would have said that.

So what does it mean? Does it mean speeding, ignoring lights, weaving the car all over the road, drink driving? Or does it mean being tearful while driving? That's not a crime. Having an argument in the car? We've all done that. Hardly a sin.

Basil, good point re facts. I remember Simba was cross he hadn't been given facts about stress slowing down labour, although that was actually posted on the first page of responses.

I am glad you are reflecting on all of this, it must be a lot to take in. Would it be possible to sit down with your wife and write down the things that are troubling you both with a list of what is and isn't acceptable so that you have some clearer framework. It might help clarify your thoughts and help reassure her that you mean business.

I still think its hard to get a true idea of your situation as it's hard to gauge what your wife is actually like.

I would be another one who would suggest counselling of some sort.

It does seem like you are having to choose between your wife and your parents.

Simba, you clearly have a chronic illness of some description that requires help from your wife on a regular basis. Whilst it must be horrible for you to have it, has it occurred to you that your wife has helped you deal with it, probably put your needs and feelings above hers on many occasions over the years and plans to do so for many to come. Being a carer for someone is bloody hard work emotionally as well as whatever physical manifestations it requires. Always being the one to drive, for example. Whilst she has presumably decided to do this willingly, that doesn't lessen the pressure. Perhaps her 'irrational behaviour' is borne in part from frustration or feeling that she often has to take second seat to you. Whether or not she vocalises this. At a time when really her needs should be coming first to a much greater degree than normal (it's bad enough trying to hold it together for yourself let alone anyone else in later pregnancy and (I imagine) during and after birth), you seem to be suggesting that now is the time, because of the child, that your needs/wants need to be MORE important.
Perhaps she is feeling something along the lines of 'FFS, I do so much for him, can he not for once realise that I need a bit of TLC too and for something to be about me and what I want, not what he wants'.
You have presumably spent your entire life needing extra care, from your mum or your wife. Whilst this is an accepted part of your relationships that seems unlikely ever to change, it does mean that you are not in every way equal. However much you would like to be. There are some things you need help with. She helps you, probably to some degree to her detriment. Because she loves you. In the ways that you can help her, to some degree to your detriment, do so. Because you love her. This is an easy one. Turn off the phone. And make it clear that you have.

I assumed due to his name he was Indian and from a culture that lives with parents when adult and may remain a bit of a manchild but apparently not from above so not even that excuse!