Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Five hours in a hospital is nothing in late pregnancy. I ended up there a few times, the thing is if you are low priority its normal to wait a long time. The important thing is that DH was sympathetic and left my side only to feed the parking meter and ring his boss (as he should have arrived at work at that time). He didn't start ringing around for emotional support.

Sometimes as an adult you do have to bottle things up for a few hours/days because at that time you can't be the focus. This isn't being emotionally dysfunctional, its being a supportive spouse and parent. This is what you should have done in the hospital. Not gone running off to get your own support, you should have sat by your wife and just been a supportive presence and person who can run her errands. I find it telling that you don't say she asked you to ring her parents, I think you just wanted an excuse to go crying to yours.

What will you do when you are sat in A&E with a child with a head cut open? Will you leave them crying alone whilst you ring your parents for emotional support or will you act the adult and wait until later to fall apart?

Or if like me your wife is in labour for 3 days and needs someone to supervise her in the bath because she's dozing between every contraction? You can't just run off to ring mummy at that stage.

It is not unreasonable to want privacy and a source of constant support in late pregnancy, labour and the post-natal period. You're proving you can't offer her that, I hope she has a sister, mother or close friend who can.

You're both grown-ups. Why the flip do both sets of parents need to be notified of a relatively routine visit to the hospital?

Duchesse, going in to hospital with pains in late pregnancy isn't that routine, especially a first pregnancy. I rang my mum on the three occasions I went in with my second pregnancy.

But it might have been labour, and he would have been ringing the parents, which is PRECISELY what his wife doesn't want him to do!! And was him and not her doing the ringing.

Simba, who does your dad ring whenever something's going on with your mum? (obv I don't mean pregnancy!) Is his mum still alive for him to ring? Or does he just get stuck in and deal with the situation?

As PintofTea said - you're the adult now. Soon you'll be a dad. You need to grow up and be a grown up.

Instead of supporting your wife you felt that you needed to speak to your parents to get some support?! I'm not at all surprised your wife reacted the way she did!

If you can't cope with her getting something checked out for a few hours then how are you going to cope when she's in labour for an average of 12hrs?

You have every right to be scared, but don't blame your wife for the way you feel! You also have every right to support as much as your wife does - why don't you explain that to her? You are both entitled to support - where does she get support from when she's scared? If you feel the only place you can get support from is your parents then you are going to have to figure out a way to get through labour and birth and then a few hours without them.

I am going to speak up on simba's behalf here, just briefly. He did say that he first phoned his wife's mum, to let her know what was going on, before he phoned his dad. And I don't think it was desperately unreasonable thing to do, taken as a single occurrence. He's new to this expectant father thing, and was worried about his wife - I can't see why he was so dreadfully wrong to want a bit of reassurance.

However, the problem, as I see it, is that his wife can't see it as a single occurrence, because of all the problems and arguments that have preceded this incident. As far as she's concerned, it isn't her dh keeping both sets of parents updated (which is not a desperately abnormal thing to do, in my experience), it is him showing he can't not tell his parents stuff that she'd rather they didn't know.

Provided that the relationships are good, I can't see anything wrong with talking to one's parents and ILs about things that are worrying you - I am an adult, who should be able to just get stuck in and get on with things, and so is dh - but we both sometimes feel the need to talk to our parents (or I talk to my MIL, because we have a very good relationship, and she is a very wise woman whose advice and support I value). It does work the other way too - my mum and my ILs talk to us about important things (or things they are worrying about) because they value our support and advice.

Unfortunately, the relationship between simba's dw and his mum (and dad, to a lesser extent) is so broken down that normal rules don't apply. I can understand why a worried expectant dad would want a bit of support from his own parents - I think that is pretty normal, tbh - but his wife couldn't see it as a normal thing to do (and given the history, I understand this, and think she's right to feel this way), and she clearly expected that he would have understood by now that she doesn't want her ILs told about any health issues around the pregnancy, in addition to not wanting them told when she's in labour. That wasn't spelled out to simba, and he should have checked with her before ringing his dad - though even asking her could have led to her becoming almost as upset as she did anyway.

If, instead of everything being OK, things had worsened dramatically, and either his wife's life or the baby's had been at risk (or worse) would we be slating him so badly for wanting a bit of support and comfort? I really hope not.

Ach, this thread is making me angry. OP, you're coming across as very selfish.

I'm not surprised your wife is angry at you. She's probably at the end of her tether, needing support and reassurance from a spouse whose first instinct is to run to mummy and daddy. Not exactly reassuring.

I rang my mum on the three occasions I went in with my second pregnancy
As someone's said - that was you ringing your mum. Did DP/DH leave you on your own to phone his mum for moral support? Particularly if you'd asked it not to happen?

SDTG he didn't however say he was asked to let his ILs know what was going on. And problems in late pregnancy can lead to induction/C-sec/labour if they are serious, so yes he was going against her wishes. That he didn't stop to think this through is the problem, not an excuse.

I don't dispute his right to support when he is the patient or once the patient is happy and safe and he's falling apart after the fact. I do however think that he should have been in their, showing his wife that he is on her side, not ringing his DM.

And I do talk to my MiL about all sorts of personal things, including about DH. But I would never leave DH alone and frightened in hospital to call her or my own DM.

Presumably she wanted him to phone her parents, though - and was OK with him leaving her, to do so? So it's not like he just abandoned just her to deal with his own needs?

I think what has irked me is the almost knee jerk reaction that NO normal adult phones their parents when their spouse is in hospital, NO normal adult is ever going to want to lean on another person, so the fact that simba rang his parents obviously means he is some sort of incapable man-child who needs to grow up.

I think there is, as a general rule, nothing wrong with an adult having the honesty to say they still need a bit of support from time to time.

However, I do agree that, given their history, simba needs to tread a LOT more carefully around his wife and her pregnancy. But he isn't the devil incarnate.

I agree (and put upthread) that he was unreasonable to share her medical issues with a third party without her consent.

I was just disagreeing with duchess on the "relatively routine" point as she seemed to be saying "why the flip tell parents (generically)" about such stuff. I agree in this case the OP didn't have his wife's consent to talk to his parents since she'd made it clear before that he didn't.

Oh poor Mrs Simba it's such a vulnerable time that you want to have control of something... Even if it's just who knows what's going on!

Respect for them shows respect for me. Its not much to ask surely. And when it only involves us its only me who has to deal with her attitude. But now we have a baby on the way I am not prepared to be treated with such disrespect and blackmail. this is probably cross posting but I've not read everything yet but you really think she is blackmailing?!!!!! that doesn't sound like a man who is putting his wife first.

You talk about having respect for you through having respect for them well where the hell are you showing respect for your wife by actually listening to what she wants? She hasn't said they can never meet their grandchild just that she wants to wait and see how she feels after what is the most physically and emotionally gruelling experience of her live before having to spend time with people she has a tough relationship.

FFS man up and put your wife first? This time isn't about you it's about your family, your family being your wife and the new baby not your parents.

Have to say, your last post just left me gobsmacked.

Your wife specifically asked you not to tell your parents when she went into labour. You spend days on here asking for opinions. Pretty much everyone agrees that you should respect her wishes.

She goes into hospital (which could have been the start of labour for all you knew), and the first thing you do is to phone your parents!

You don't actually care about your wife at all. Can you not see that?

Maybe he didn't realise that problems at this stage of pregnancy could result in induction or c-section, and so didn't see that telling his parents she was poorly and being assessed in hospital was the same as telling them that she'd gone into labour, or that his wife would see it that way?

I have to say that it seems to me that simba feels very much reliant on his parents for emotional support. However saying Respect for them shows respect for me. sounds quite cold and controlling. In fact, respect for someone's parents has no bearing on thier feelings toward or respect for that person.

I understand that in the situation which arose he was worried and needed reassurance. However, I don't think he should have phoned anyone.
As has been outlined, this could have been the start of labour.

simba the "take home" message from this situation is that yes, whilst your parents did a huge amount for you as a child, your primary loyalties should lie with your wife.

You've said she doesn't get on with your mother, and that there are faults on both sides. To be honest, I think your wife may be being unreasonable in her attitude toward your mother, but without knowing the background, this is only an assumption.

What you should have done was to
a) reassure your wife
b) speak to hospital staff to get a clear idea of what was going on
c) ask your wife if she wanted to call anyone or have you call anyone.

Agree "respect" is an odd choice of word.

So, you think she should have smiled and covered up her emotional responses to you doing the very thing she asked you not to? Even after posting here that you had learned so much about how badly bing stressed can be for pregnancy and labour?
Are you really learning anything or is it all just meaningless waffle?

I'm sorry, but I can see how simba didn't realise that "Don't call your parents whilst I am in labour" also meant "Don't call your parents if there's a health scare and I'm being assessed in hospital".

I do agree with the point you make, STDG but the correct thing would have been to have asked mrs.simba before calling anyone.

I agree, but I think simba is not good at that sort of interpersonal stuff. And I do slightly suspect that MrsSimba might have been almost as cross with him just for asking - but I could be wrong.

Ok well the way this seems to be heading is that Mrs Simba has the baby, let's hope with a good outcome, but gets hugely stressed out - which possibly triggers PND - and best case is that Mr Simba's complete lack of understanding causes her either to kick him out or to move out herself. Mr Simba may or may not then get the sort of access to his child that he would like depending on how the court views his actions. Mr Simba needs to get real, and fast. Bugger 'respect'. Weird vocabulary to echo a weird relationship - really not healthy.

You know, I was just thinking about this 'I called my parents because I needed support' business. DH & I rushed to the hospital when I was 24 wks pregnant with DS2, as I was having pre-term contractions (luckily meds & bed rest were all that were needed & DS2 was born at 37 weeks, but I digress). We were absolutely terrified, neither of us can remember ever being so scared in our lives. Here's the thing; we turned TO EACH OTHER for 'support'. We only needed and wanted each other, because it was OUR child we were afraid for. We didn't have to be 'brave' for each other, either. We were sharing this crisis & it was OK that we were scared. We didn't even call our parents or anyone else until the next day after I was settled in at home, on complete bed rest.

Simba, maybe you should try turning to your wife for support instead of your parents, then maybe she'll want to turn to you. Maybe she doesn't turn to you because she feels you have no faith in her. Maybe she resents your parents because you have given them the role that should be hers. Maybe you should try telling her "I'm scared, too, but we're here together. And together we can face anything".

These ancient words should still ring true to you, no matter your faith; "Therefore shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. And the two shall be made one flesh".