Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Your wife is your 'carer'? Seriously??????

Piddling, I read that as maybe his parents decided something about his care that had a long term effect even if it was a "weighing the risks" decision at the time.

I could be wrong.

OP either has a seriously disability or has been groomed to believe he needs to be cared for like his mother did, ie pandered to...(given his preciousness over his issues), either way he also states that baby will usurp this, so he's obviously not that infirm, and sounds like he needs to grow a pair and man up

It's all very woe is me, and sounds quite narcissistic (sp)

Simba - they will know when the baby is due, if they call and you dont answer then they will be pretty safe to assume things are under way. I really dont see the point in alerting the parents to the fact that she is "in labour" it may go on for days which will cause the parents unnecessary anxiety. Also, if you cannot ensure you parents will not come to the hospital, their arrival may cause your wife anxiety and make the delivery longer and actually more dangerous (blood pressure can do dangerous things during labour you really need to keep her as calm as possible)

I think further down the line is the time to deal with the relationship issues between your mother and wife - who knows when she actually has a child she loves herself she may understand that your parents have tried to do the best they can for you (even if she feels they were wrong)

I dont think it is good that you have chosen to have children with someone you appear to have major issues with I do find it strange that you are not getting that this issue does not have to be dealt with and sorted now Are you getting pressure from your mother? Because if you are she is being unreasonable.

Ok OP, firstly 'it's not fair' is the language and mindset of toddlers. Consideration, empathy, compromise and pragmatism are amongst the tools of adults.

The time to sort out your relationship and change it's terms, since achieving that is so important to you, was when it was just the two of you and you were her top priority. Back when you both had the choice to leave without consequences for anyone else. Why didn't you?

You are about to reap the consequences of that choice.

You need to take responsibility for your choice to marry and procreate with such a blatantly unsuitable woman and it's consequences. That includes the consequences for your baby's relationship with your parents. You are responsible for putting them in this position and if anyone needs to apologise to them for the limited relationship they are likely to have, it's you. You chose to have a baby with someone who can't stand them!

I'm not saying your wife is bad or unlikeable, I've no idea but what is clear is that she's not suitable for you. You don't seem to like or respect her much, you put up with her 'despite' her personality. She doesn't meet your essential criterion of liking or being able to get on with your parents. Your friends have told you to leave her. You've had years together, giving you the experience to understand that she's not going to change and will continue to 'cross lines'.

You have chosen to stay with this person, against all advice and experience. You've made your bed. Now you get to lie in it.

Simba's appalling comments .....sounded threatening, controlling, self-righteous and above all, unloving.

Too fucking right. This just gets worse every time you post, simba. If a fraction of what you say about your wife is fair or accurate, then your marriage sounds like a complete mess & you should both have been responsible enough not to bring a baby into such a dysfunctional situation. You sound contemptuous towards your wife - utterly contemptuous.

The alternative, of course, is that you are just an unbelievably self-obsessed, self-righteous man who does indeed have an unhealthy relationship with his mum; & this has caused serious problems within your marriage. And now you're waiting until your wife is at her most vulnerable to assert your "rights" & start to be "firmer" about your wishes. As someone said upthread, this is truly chilling.

I think your precious parents failed to teach you the meaning of a word you use often OP - compromise. This does not mean, "Simba gets everything he wants because he is a special snowflake and everyone else can go swivel."

Another word which you seem unable to comprehend the meaning of is respect - why should your wife give respect to your parents simply because you demand it of her? You show her no respect whatsoever, that is clear from your posts here. It is a two-way street love.

Why on earth did you marry this woman who you seem to despise, and why did you decide to have children with her??

Btw, while it's nice for a child to have strong relationships with all grandparents, it's not essential. What is much, much more important to the child is the relationship between their parents and with both parents. Ponder that.

We all get that your relationship with your parents is important to you. You.

You need to do some thoughtful prioritising, just in case. Whose interests are more important to you; Yours? Your parents'? Your child's? (I'm not even going to bother to include your wife). There will be consequences of that choice and you need to know which way you're going to go and think about where you're likely to end up.

Another question which you have been asked repeatedly, and are yet to answer is; have your parents been putting pressure on you to see the baby at a particular time after the birth?

Simba actually said his wife is his primary career - I wasn't sure if this was a typo, and he is saying she's his primary carer (and if so, I assume he has some health condition that requires a carer - otherwise it would be a very odd thing to say), or if he means that he is making looking after his wife his first career/job - which could chime with the fact that he says he's giving up work to look after the baby.

Simba - one thing to remember - being a stay at home parent will mean you will have plenty of opportunity to arrange for your baby and your parents to spend time together - more opportunity than your wife will have - that could be seen as unfair by her - if that were the case, would you cut back on the time your parents spent with you and the baby, or would you think that was an unfair demand?

Because an insistence on 'fairness' cuts both ways. If you are too insistent on 'fairness' and your 'rights' now, your wife could decide that what's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander, and start insisting on her 'rights' too. Far better, for everyone, to have the sort of relationship where you base decisions on caring for the other person, their needs and their feelings, than on MY RIGHTS and IT HAS TO BE FAIR FOR ME.

Reading this thread is making me feel really stressed because I can feel the pressure OP's wife has on her (whether intentional or not OP).
For me it wasn't my DP pressuring me it was myself forced myself to allow visitors far too quickly because I felt I 'should' in hindsight I would have giving myself far more time- it's ok to say no . Next time (if I'm lucky enough) I will be saying no visitors to the hosp except my DP and my DM and see how I feel after that because OP you can't plan these things! I did the same wanted everything in place 'who would be told' who could come and when' and I still felt uncomfortable. Your wife needs your support please give her time and space to tell you what she wants to happen when she's actually given birth.

"and so resents some of the decisions my mum made about me earlier in life which affects the way I am now."

And so can't you see why she might be a tad reluctant to have them deeply involved in your child's life?

I do hope that you don't have battles in the future when it comes to your mother's involvement with the care of her grandchild because from what you have written, even without specifics, it sounds like your wife is very wary of your mother as a caregiver.

"She doesn't want my parents to babysit them but she is happy for her mum to"

Why?

What is it that your mother has done to make your wife feel like this?

You're right, STDG, Simba did say 'career' -- I misread it.

In fairness, unless simba's parents are going to put the baby in danger, neglect it, or deliberately ignore and flout the parents' parenting decisions, then saying they can't babysit does seem unfair.

But we don't know the history. If she feels that his parents did something that, basically, broke simba in some way, maybe she has good reason for not wanting them to care for the baby. The health and welfare of the baby has to be simba and his wife's first concern - if the ILs are going to smoke around the baby, or take drugs or drink to excess whilst babysitting, or feed the baby a full roast dinner at age 3 months, or if she has genuine reason to fear that they either can't or won't look after the baby safely, or if the ILs have horrible attitudes (homophobia, racism, disablism, Conservatism , Morris dancing, extreme religious views) that they are going to foist onto the baby, then she's right not to want them babysitting.

But if they are sensible people who will care for the baby properly, will respect her and simba's parenting choices, and will keep the baby safe - but she doesn't want them to babysit because she doesn't like them, then that would be unfair.

There is a question, which I will probably get shouted at for asking, but what the hell, its been niggling at me for a while

As you do not appear to like your wife I am wondering if perhaps this was an arranged marriage?

I do appreciate I may be completely barking up the wrong tree and am sure plenty of arranged marriages are happy. pfffft flame away if you want!

I am struggling to understand why pregnancy has suddenly made you want to change this woman, but then I also dont understand why pregnancy is a trigger for domestic violence in some relationships. Whatever my issues with H & his mother I can say 100% he was on my side when the children were born - we were his priority (just as well as my blood pressure set new records without any outside stresses)

BlueSky - I wondered if there were cultural issues at play here too. Although, I wondered if Simba and his wife are from different cultures and this is becoming more of an issue now that DC are entering the picture.

You may have a point driven - either scenario would be relevant but I doubt Simba will clarify. I think he really needed a section called "im right arent I?" rather than "am I being unreasonable?"

I do feel his illness is also relevant, having observed a friends son who recovered from a life threatening illness he is used to being spoilt and the centre of attention - which at the time is understandable - but does not make life afterwards an easy ride for friends, family or the person who was ill.

Is OP ill? I am not sure if that's what he meant, or if he meant that his wife has replaced his mother as his 'predominant carer' in a sort of traditional domestic sort of way - which to me reinforced the thought about cultural issues, because that seems quite odd otherwise.

I do think that the issue of when baby meets paternal GPs is a total red herring - OP's and his wife's problems are far greater than this, and without a lot more information, no-one here can really offer any helpful advice.

He had life threatening illness which his parents nursed him through - he is going to be the child's primary carer as that will help his health.

I think that OP is coming across as a horribly over-indulged child pampered by parents who failed to appreciate that he would one day grow up and have to become independent from the,. I suspect that OP's wife (reasonably imv) may be blaming some of OP's behaviour towards her on his upbringing and therefore on his parents.

And seriously- jeez- unless you are ill or disabled, WTAF do you need a carer?

In the post where he says he's going to be giving up work to be a SAHD, he does say that doing this might improve his health - so maybe he does have health issues that require care.

So your mum was your primary carer and now your wife is. And you resent her. Is this because she isn't caring for you in the same way as your mum did? Carer relationships are often complex and F&F don't always give unbiased feedback (Carers are basically expeced to be angels).

This really needs sorting out prior to you both becoming the primary carers for another human!!

BlueSky- I would guess an arranged marriage is unlikely in a couple who have been together for 10 years and married for only 3. Unless the Op meant together in a more generally betrothed sense.