Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Simba, as someone posted upthread, why not wait and see what happens, then namechange and come back onto MN for advice if after your baby is a week or two old this is actually a problem?

I categorically understand that whilst my wife is recovering from the ordeal of labour and is not in a fit state for ANY visitors I absolutely would not dream of asking her about my parents visiting.

If she wants her family and no one else for support for her due to what she has been through I completely get that too and have no issue with it.

My question was always about if she is ready for visitors to see the new baby is it unreasonable for my parents to miss out on seeing the baby as early as they could just because my wife doesn't get on with them?

I have been made out to look wholly insensitive about the pain she will go through in labour which, yes I admitthe comcomments on here have really pulled any wool from my eyes and I now feel like I can better sipport and reassure my wife after labour and I thank you all for that. But that was never the question.

10 years is a long time to be with someone and there have been countless small issues throughout that time which has caused the breakdown in relationship between my mum and dw. Both want to have a better relationship with each other, but one cant let previous issues go and the other still makes comments with the right intention but particularly poor delivery!

There is undoubtedly a question of competition between the two females, one who has looked after me for many years and been her priority in life, and the other who has grown to love me and is now my primary career for want of a better phrase, and I have been her priority (not for much longer!). She says she lliterally couldnt live without me and so resents some of the decisions my mum made about me earlier in life which affects the way I am now.

I don't want to describe any specific incidents because it is neither helpful as it is past ans explaining tge context it happened in would take too long for a fourm like this. All I can say is I am lucky to have some close male and female friends who have helped me understand if I was ever being unfair, but have many times asked me if that if they were telling me my story about them...what would I do or say as a friend? My answer has often been to get the hell out of that relationship. But they are great friends as whilst they have often said that, they respect the only person who should decide that is me, they have never tried to interfere or suggest I would end up divorced like some people on here. They understand love can be blind at times but warned me to keep a line that should never be crossed in sight.

That line has been crossed a few times already and it has been my choice to tolerate this for my love of her and our relationship. But now we have a baby involved I want to know aibu to be firmer about my wishes

Simba

Do you think that trying to change the terms of your relationship (which may well be a good idea in the long term) in the days after birth is productive?

No matter how reasonable or not your wife is over all, tens of women on here are saying she is being reasonable on this point.

It won't be an issue I am sure as I have reassured my wife my focus will be on her before during or after. I thought it was reasonable to let both immediate families know strictly in confidence that my dw had gone into labour but I understand now thats not the brst thing to do and to let them know only when mum and baby are safe after the birth. We have both agreed to that and thats helped a great deal. What happens after that will be the interesting bit!!

The doctrine of snatch....thats my point exactly! Why is it reasonable for her to call the shots after she has recovered? Surely from that point on both parents should focus on doing their bit for whatever is in the best interest of the baby. I don't want our baby to go without food if they need or want it and so need to be with mum. I am not going to wake the baby if they are sleeping. I am not going to take the baby anywhere it might not feel safe. But keeping them away from their grandparents just because mum doesn't like them and it might stress her out? If neither of us wanted them to see our baby then that would be fine. She doesn't want my parents to babysit them but she is happy for her mum to. Seriously that cant be right?

Baby will just want it's mum. It doesn't know who the guck it's grandparents are and doesn't care. That comes later.

Mum being stressed out is very bad for babies. You've shit yourself in the foot there!

You come across incredibly badly. I'd run away of I were your wife too!

But Simba, you said in your OP that:

nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth.

So she has said she will see them when she is ready, hasn't she? I am struggling to understand your issue here.

Re babysitting - why discuss this now? Until the baby is here you won't know. There are people on MN who haven't used babysitters for two years as they are just not comfortable with anyone doing it - they may not have known that before they became parents.

Also, the situation with your two parents isn't parallel because you don't dislike her parents. If you did then she would need to be considerate of that.

Did you make it clear to her, before you decided to conceive, that changing the terms of your relationship, 'crossing no more lines' was a condition of having a baby with you?

Did she agree to that?

If not, you've tricked her and trapped her into an invidious situation. Shame on you.

Are you happy to have pushed her into a position where the only way she can express any objection to your unilaterally changed terms is by leaving you? What does your choice to create that risk say about your commitment to your child? You risk your DW leaving you and you being a non-resident parent. Is that the best future for your child? Is prioritising your parents worth that risk? Would they agree?

You may well feel your DW is very unfair on your parents and that may well be true but, you cannot force her to change her perspective. You act, she responds. Your choices, your actions will have consequences. Not just for you but for your child.

Is your mother putting pressure on you to visit at a specific time?

I wouldn't have let people I can't stand babysit my baby either. Why would you?

Your wife will be raging with maternal hormones after birth - something you will never, ever experience. She will be sore, bleeding, tired, vulnerable and leaking milk. She will not be in a fit state to receive any visitors, let alone ones she cannot stand, for many hours or even days after the birth.

If she wants her parents with her soon after the birth, because she needs or wants their support, then that is her choice - she has just been through birth, she is the patient - she can pick and choose. Your idea of "fairness" simply doesn't come into it.

And putting undue pressure on your wife like this could well be a contributory factor as to how well/quickly she does recover from the birth, so you are shooting yourself in the foot here.

Op, your wife is clearly semi hysterical over this. While I don't think your expectations that your baby should have a relationship with your parents that is equal to your wife's parents is at all unreasonable, possibly right now is not the time to be fighting about it.

You've reached agreement on when to tell, now you need to go back and see if you can agree on your parents' first visit.

In reality, it is important that she be calm in the run up to her labour and her wishes will have to prevail. But you would be better talking to her than mumsnet.

Your a very special kind of special OP, and I mean that sincerely and with a thought that maybe you are not the full picnic... I'm in the same position as your wife, difference bring my DH gives a fcuk and having already seen me give birth has total respect for women and what they go through, before, during and for a hell of a long time after for some people

Back off your wife with the pressure or your going to find she boils over on you, and that I can promise you will be so damaging she will never forget

There are so much about your posts that are worrying Simba86. This included your selectivity - particularly your tendency to flag-up the very small minority of supportive posts, and ignore quite a bit of the rest.

What I find particularly alarming is how you write about your wife. All you have done so far is highlight her negative traits. What I have got from you: she is generally mean & intolerant and nobody (including your family and friends) like her. She might well be all of these negative things. But (as others have said) it does not sound as if you like her very much. To write this way about somebody is not indicative of love or respect (and you seem to value the latter quite highly).

About your obsession with joint parenting. You seem to be wilfully ignoring comments about this - including mine. joint does not mean equal - can you understand this? Are you really going to phoning your wife when she is at work and you become a SAHP to get her input on every parenting decision?

But the big picture: we cannot change other people. We can only work on ourselves with the view of effecting positive change around us. You do not seem too self-reflective. I think you should contact Relate (or similar) and work through some stuff to help you navigate all of this in a much better way. You can have email contact with many of these organisation - so nothing different to what you are doing now.

She avoids her wherever possible seeing or talking to her, even briefly on the phone.
But have you asked her why and tried to have a reasonable discussion about the problem or have you simply dismissed her feelings - as you have on here?

I am not prepared to miss out on things that are important to mejust because I can be emotionally blackmailed by "I am the mother"
Are you fucking serious? That's one of the most distasteful things I've ever seen written on here - this is about the woman whose vagina will have just been ripped open giving birth to your child!

And who the feck discusses babysitters schedules before the baby even arrives?!

Oh yes, that's right, most likely your mum

This is so gross.
I really, really hope OP's wife is reading this thread and understands that she doesn't have to put up with this from a spouse. Honey, leave the bastard. Please?

Oh dear Simba, have you got any idea of how dysfunctional your relationship is sounding?

Your friends are telling you that they wouldn't tolerate a relationship like this.

You haven't dumped your friends, so you must agree that your relationship is shit.

But you've chosen to reproduce with someone who you think is completely out of order in her approach to your relationship.

This is a fucking car crash, sorry.

The first post I did I told you to get counselling. It's become v. clear that that might not be enough. If your relationship survives beyond a point where your wife has recovered from birth, weaning etc., then I think couples counselling would be crucial. Otherwise between you, you and your wife are going to role model a horribly dysfunctional relationship to your child - unless one of you wises up and decides you're not going to bring a child up in these circumstances.

Either way, you need to recognise that your attitude to your wife is just not normal. All the birth stuff notwithstanding.

She's now your primary carer, you said above? Did you mean that literally? Have your parents' earlier decisions about your care left you with long-term disabilities and reliant on your wife for care?

Sorry if that's insensitive; just trying to understand.

Oops, too many 'cares' in that post, but you get the gist.

Simba. I am curious about how old you and your wife are?

You allude that your mother doing things to you when you were younger that effects you now. If you mean that your mother did things to you that were unkind or unhealthy then it is totally understandable that your DW wants nothing to do with her and it would be even MORE understandable that she wants your child to have nothing to do with her.

He gives his and his wives' ages in the first line of the OP, Piddling.

Um, wife's. Wives would make the situation even worse.

Piddling, I read that as maybe his parents decided something about his care that had a long term effect even if it was a "weighing the risks" decision at the time.

I could be wrong.