Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

She has said a few days, maybe a week or so.

Not months or years!

Do you not think those comments were out of desperation etc?

he has made it clear that she dislikes his parents and that's the reason for not wanting them to visit....he's just said its nothing to do with how she'll feel or if she's up to visiting!!! He knows her so all this talk of "she may not be upto it" etc is irrelevant. He knows it's purely to avoid his family. She just doesn't want to see them.

OP I think you need to stand your ground on this one. It's unfair she dictates because she feels she can...totally different if she is genuinely worried about labour, scared etc then fair enough but if she is just being controlling then that's out of order.

Also want to add that while everyone is different etc, I think not wanting OP to even tell ILs that she's in labour is pretty telling in this case. I let family know by text when it kicked off for me, not because I wanted anyone to come and hang out at the hospital, but because it was big, exciting news. Same for many of my family.

Lots of people don't tell family when labour starts even when they get on well - labour can last days!

Agree I was the same bialy but fear we are the minority :)

Good luck OP - I'd discuss with some real life friends, in law threads never go well on mumsnet!

Can't add much to the many posts here saying YABU...

but I will say that my (mostly lovely) DH was keen to introduce DD to the rest of his (and her) family right away, whereas I wanted nothing so much as to be alone with DD and with DH when he could join us. I really, really did not want to have visitors. (My own family lives overseas and so seeing my mum, dad or sisters wasn't possible)

I gave in to DH's wishes on the matter - and to this day, I really wish I hadn't. I wish I had been firmer, because I really didn't want those visitors, and I hate that he didn't understand that.

OP, don't think that once it happens, your wife will see that it was 'no big deal' or be OK with it. Respect her feelings on this, or you may find it a source of sadness for her, and resentment, for years to come.

LOLOLOLOL

600 posts telling him he's an arse and 2 telling him he's reasonable so he picks the 2 to validate him.

WHY does your wife hate your mother?

You have been asked several times about this Simba and you have ignored it each time.

That's very telling.

Also the bending over backwards re whether Simba's appalling comments were out of desperation.

No, they didn't sound desperate to me. They sounded threatening, controlling, self-righteous and above all, unloving.

You don't sound as if you love your wife Simba. That should be a matter of concern to you if you value your relationship at all (which tbh you also sound as if you don't - which should also be a matter of concern to you but probably isn't. )

I categorically never want my DH to tell anyone (in laws or parents) when I am in labour. It is totally normal in my view. She is perfectly in the right.

Last post...to be fair I think all the other posts jumped on the bang wagon! The op has hardly posted enough for anyone to get a clear picture!!!

His last post explained it best.

She doesn't like his parents. If she feels 100% perfect she still will avoid them cause she doesn't like them.

Half of the posts here are from people who say they wanted to avoid visitors etc and how he should support his wife (like the one above) - which are not relevant at all. His wife doesn't want to avoid visitors or to spend this precious time together, she just wants to avoid his family!

Can no one on mumsnet accept that it may not be the inlaws and may actually be the wife?

I think if your last post was put earlier op you'd have got more support.

Because 'she is the mother' she is allowed to 'dictate' everything to do with the pregnancy, birth and immediate period afterwards

you might feel that is unfair but it is absolutely necessary

She does not have to inform you when she goes into labour, she does not have to have you at the birth, she can ban you from seeing the baby in the hospital, even though you are the father. You do not have equal rights in this situation pregnancy and birth is not a joint enterprise

So if even the actual fathers of newborn babies have no rights to be there without the mothers blessing what on earth makes you think pils's or any other visitors have any right to be? What makes you think your wants are more important? Or even equally as important?

I find it very telling that you cannot even let the birth process be about her, the person going through it but are trying to make it about you and your wishes

My DH is in every way an equal parent, as I said before he is the main carer to our dc but he always always put me first at that time not only because he loves and respects me, but because that was what was best for our children. and that's one of the things that makes him such an amazing father and husband

Well yes, maybe not everyone does tell their family when they're shortly going to have a baby, but that doesn't mean it's abnormal or wrong to do so!

askbasil why is it telling that OP hasn't given the back story about DW/MIL? It must be because the MIL is an evil witch, right?

Bully for you bialy.

But the OP's wife doesn't want anyone to know when she's going into labour, and it's her call. Not yours, not his.

Simba, can you not see that your wife has compromised? She's said she'll arrange contact once she's sufficiently recovered. Compromise does not mean agreeing with what you've decided. And yes, I'm afraid that she does get to call the shots while she is the hospital patient, and in that case the baby belongs with her.

If your wife and your parents do not get along, why the hell do you think that the best time to push contact will be when your wife is more exhausted, hormonal, and pain-ridden than she's ever been before? What the hell happened to cause your wife to have a breakdown during a 2 hour visit? If relations are that fraught already, they are going to be a million times worse when your wife is shattered and you are still wittering on about how hard done to you are.

You don't seem to understand the concept of respect. It needs to be earned, it can't be transferred on demand. You cannot insist that your wife must show you and your parents respect - it's one of those things that only works if it goes both ways.

You're right to say that now a baby is involved there should no longer be any tolerance for unacceptable behaviour. Your wife needs to put her foot down about your unacceptable behaviour promptly, because you're clearly not getting the message. And things do indeed have to be different- for a start, you need to realise that actually the world doesn't resolve around your petulance.

Jamtoast - I would be saying exactly the same thing if the OP's wife didn't want her parents to visit until she was ready.

"Can no one on mumsnet accept that it may not be the inlaws and may actually be the wife?"

Yes I'm sure people can, it's just that the OP hasn't provided any evidence of it. What he's provided, is evidence that he doesn't like or love his wife. The evidence is the way he talks about her.

HTH.

It's wrong to tell people a woman is in Labour if she doesn't want others to know. She is the one in Labour so it's up to her who knows.

As for the mil being evil, no. I imagine there is fault on both sides, these things are rarely black and white.

The op however is keen to make it seem his wife is being unreasonable. It would make sense for him to explain why they don't get on. I would love to hear his And his wife's version. They need to sort it out and should really have done so months ago.

Jam toast:
His last post explained it best.

She doesn't like his parents. If she feels 100% perfect she still will avoid them cause she doesn't like them.

That's NOT what the DW has said, that's YOUR interpretation. What she has actually said, from the OP, is:

"nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth"

If she feels 100% perfect

No woman ever feels 100% within days of giving birth. I felt like I'd been hit by a train. There is no way I would have wanted anyone but my absolutely closest family around me at that time - that would not include my in-laws. They had to wait until I was home and felt capable of getting dressed and going to the loo, before I could contemplate coping with them.

I certainly found it weird that SIL phoned around to inform the wider family that she was in labour. I never did nor did anyone else in the family. It's something people really don't need to know. What's wrong with telling everyone once there's been an outcome?

OP I agree with all those saying this is your wife's call, regardless of motive.

Bialystock, I've no idea if the MIL's evil. I just find it ridiculous that the OP has completely ignored all questions about why his wife hates his mother. It's quite important to make sense of this situation, no?

Also I'd say this: if the MIL is a perfectly normal nice woman (and why wouldn't she be, having raised Simba?) and the DIL is a lunatic who just treats her IL's terribly, then the MIL will understand that the least diplomatic and reasonable thing she can do, is intrude into that fraught and vulnerable time after her DIL has just given birth.

I hope I don't think I have the right to see my first grandchild whenever I want, whether it's my son's or my daughter's. However much I want to, however unreasonable I think she may be, I hope I remember how I felt and understand that my DD's/ DIL's needs come first and that if her need is to be alone with her baby and its father for a week or so before I get to see my GC, then I will accept that because I understand that it's not all about me, me, me.

"and why wouldn't she be, having raised Simba"

In the immortal words of Rob Newman, "Well, quite."

This goes back to why I asked the question aibu for asking for a compromise rather than accepting she is allowed to call tge shots right from day one with the baby. We are responsible adults and have to take responsibility for our actions and if we tolerate unacceptable behaviour then we have to live with the consequences. But now a baby is involved I feel things have to be different

You have not in the least bit taken on board the fact that your wife will be feeling as if a train has hit her between the legs and will have hormones all over the place that will affect her response to even the smallest of things, will be bleeding like a stuck pig and leaking milk all over.

You have already upset her so much over this that she got into her car and drove off while trying to have a discussion with you.

I offer my prediction again -- you will be having a closer relationship with your solicitor than your wife or your baby six months from now if you continue to insist on 'rights' here. See how you enjoy living with the consequences of your refusal to consider her feelings.

(And since you are so fed up of trying to make everyone happy here for years, just stop trying to keep your parents happy and concentrate on your wife. Did your parents ask you to make them happy? OTOH, did you make promises to your wife, as an adult?)

Jamtoast, et al -- the wife isn't putting on a circus for the entertainment of family and friends. She isn't delivering a baby for applause or approbation or to make her parents proud (but Simba is and he can't see why she isn't willing to play her bit part in this drama starring him that he envisions).

She has a right and indeed a duty not to overextend herself, seeing as how the baby depends completely on her for sustenance in the newborn period. She needs to take care of herself, conserve her energy and not risk upset both for her sake and for the sake of the baby, the reasons being --

1. exhaustion will retard her physical recovery and increase risk of PPH and also have an impact on milk supply and ability to stay alert to care for the baby without endangering him or her,
2. being put in social situations she can't cope with on top of exhaustion make her run the risk of developing PND - not good for her or for the baby.

I am not prepared to miss out on things that are important to me just because I can be emotionally blackmailed by "I am the mother"

You have got this incredibly, unbeliavably wrong, Simba. Your approach is a recipe for disaster.

Seriously OP, are like this with other people or do you save your special, 'I am tight cos I say so' attitude for your DW. I want to write you a letter and then fuck off just reading your posts! The letter would say, think about someone other than yourself first and your mother second. Think about this person that has carried your child first. It really is that simple. You sound like if you do not get your own way you chuck all your toys out of the pram. As a new father you will be fourth for a while. Mum, baby,DWs mum,you. It's normal human behaviour. Be told.