Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

No but I'm talking about her DHs celebration - not the inlaws. Allowing her husband to enjoy his time with the baby with his family is part of his celebration. It's as important to him and her seeing her family is to her.

He has said they are very close and so she must know that. She is not giving him anything other than ...when I'm ready. He's worried about when that may be. He may have genuine reasons why given her relationship with them previously. he may genuinely know this is an excuse. He sound like he's dismissed a lot of favoritism on her part but now feels backed into a corner because this is more significant.

Of course he can't push this too far but he has every right to be upset. It won't be nice seeing her celebrate with her mum and his having to wait for permission.

TBH jam, most men aren't so narcissistic that they don't understand the difference between a mother and a mother in law.

And the form of celebration decent men go in for, is to defer to the wishes of the person who has just undergone the most excruciating agony of her life to cause the celebration.

Because they're not loons. Seriously. Sensible men know that the normal, right thing to do when their partners have just had a baby, is to put her first. It's just basic normal behaviour.

Jamtoast - I haven't seen anyone say it would be OK for the OP's wife to exclude her ILs from the baby's life on an ongoing basis. The OP hasn't said he thinks it is a risk either, so I think you are catastrophising somewhat.

What we have said is that, in the immediate post-partum period, she should get to call the shots on this. Now, unless she is planning to have 19 kids, like Michelle Duggar, this isn't going to mean she gets to call the shots like this that often!

And how is she supposed to put an exact figure on when she will feel ready to see her ILs, jamtoast. She hasn't had a baby before, so she has no idea how she is going to feel - how is she supposed to be more exact - I assume she doesn't have a crystal ball to consult!

Would you expect a man who'd had a vasectomy to specify beforehand whether he'd need a couple of hours, a couple of days or a week or so before he was ready to have people over, jam toast?

SDTG I do understand, and I think the OP did too, that it is of course the mother's right to only see visitors when she's up to/for it. OP said in his second post that he took that point, and wasn't pushing it any more with his DW.

But that reasonable point doesn't excuse the hundreds of seriously OTT posts about how dare he consider asking such a thing considering how fragile the mum will be, how horrific childbirth is (PPH, blood-stained sheets and all, as if that's just standard), how batshit crazy a new mum would be if her baby were even shown to someone else in a different room for 5 minutes etc etc etc etc. How the OP cannot possibly understand it. How he is facing divorce. How he will soon be joining F4J. How he is being vvvvvvvvU for wanting to show his new baby to his parents. How - omg heaven forbid - he might be from a legal background . How he is immature (for what, being close to his parents? Yes, what a bastard ). How he is an utter cunt because all he did was "have his five minutes of fun and donate his sperm" and therefore has no rights whatsoever to even think about showing his new baby to his parents. How he will be lucky if his wife doesn't divorce him for wanting to do so. How he's not an equal parent because he didn't give birth. That the implication is that her dislike of her inlaws is perfectly reasonable and probably his fault (which of course we don't know, and even if we did, not relevant).

Honestly - re-read this thread. Most of the responses here just are not justified by the original question.

And this isn't just about when the OP's parents get to meet their grandchild - it's also about when OP is allowed to even tell them about the birth itself until his DW is ready.

My ils came to stay 3 days after a traumatic birth with our first baby on their insistence. My relationship with them has never recovered and I still feel some anger at dh for letting them visit and behave the way they did.

She will be bleeding quite heavily and have massive sore breasts and be trying to work out wtf bf is all about. Let her have some time without the ils there watching her.

It will still be very special a week later I promise.

No bial she saI'd she doesn't want thrm knowing when she goes into Labour.

And has said she wamet a fwe dsays or maybe a week after the birth to recover.

The op however talks about asking the drs and of they say his wife is up to visitors he think she should see them.

Ffs what man would use a Dr to argue against his post natal wife.

There are clearly issues between his wife and his parents, they need to sort those out. According to the op his wife has just taken against them... Now that could be true bit real life is rarely like that,it is probable there is fault invite sides. He needs to facilitate them working things out, not pressure his wife about visitors aafter the birth.

Jamtoast you are spot on about the fact it is not really about the baby but the break down in relationship between my dw and mainly her mil. She avoids her wherever possible seeing or talking to her, even briefly on the phone. Last couple of times we have all met up its been ok but she just wont let her feelings go. I have never asked her to be friends or even like my parents just show them respect and respect just how important they are to me. In the whole of our relationship she has come with me to my parents home just twice...and the last time several years ago we drove their for two hours and when arrived she sped off and had a breakdown for half an hour!

This hasn't stopped us having a wonderful relationship, getting engaged, married, having a baby and whilst I have tried to keep everyone happy for so long I am not prepared to miss out on things that are important to mejust because I can be emotionally blackmailed by "I am the mother"

This goes back to why I asked the question aibu for asking for a compromise rather than accepting she is allowed to call tge shots right from day one with the baby. We are responsible adults and have to take responsibility for our actions and if we tolerate unacceptable behaviour then we have to live with tge consequences. But now a baby is involved I feel things have to be different

Most of the responses here just are not justified by the original question.

True. But they might be justified by the OP's later responses. He does come across as a tad annoying, and I'm not pregnant, hormonal and suffering from Excessive Inlaws.

God, you really don't like her much, do you, Simba? 'Emotionally blackmailed', 'had a breakdown', 'unacceptable behaviour'...

Do your parents respect your wife op?you keep sayomg she should respect them, bit is this rrespect returned.

And yes she does get to call the shots as you put it, in the days after giving birth. It is a short period of time when a woman is atheir most vulnerable.

Surely it will be better to wait so she can be cocomfortable with a visit and then you can a'll enjoy it?

Are your parents so desperate to see the baby that they cannot wait a few days? Or is it all you wwanting the big introduction? You haven't actually said what your parents want? Perhaps your mother will remember how she felt in those eearly days and be sympathetic to your wife needing a bit of time?

Well, maybe he's becoming a bit defensive and entrenched, but I'm not sure I would have responded so calmly if I had got over 600 messages like this!

And it's not unacceptable behaviour to wamy to wait a few days after birth to see how she is febelong before having visitors.

Op your wife obviously feels very strongly about your parents. What happened? This isn't just a dislike is it

And it's not unacceptable behaviour to wamy to wait a few days after birth to see how she is febelong before having visitors.

But I think the key is that it's not just any old visitors is it - it's the ILs who she hates. That's why I mentioned a hypothetical sister earlier - this isn't about whether or not she's physically/emotionally ready to see just anyone, it seems to be about them specifically (and MIL in particular). Which is massively unfair to the OP - they are his parents.

If I disliked someone so much I couldn't be in their presence after driving to see them for two hours, I would seriously not want to see them shortly after labour.

So, Simba, what answer in number of hours/days/weeks would you find acceptable?

She's gets to call the shots on who visits her in hospital, simba, because she is patient. She is the one who has just given birth - not you.

I've noticed you've had 1 or 2 posters (out of 100's) support your viewpoint and have come back to the all gung ho - talking about your wife's "unacceptable behaviour." It is your behaviour here that is unacceptable - trying to railroad a vulnerable postnatal woman like this.

You need to put your wife first here, not yourself.

It could be any visitors, in the first few days post natal I would say the same whoever it was.

But seriously - if she had that severe a reaction to them, how did you think this whole thing would go?

It isn't just the original question, though, bialystockandbloom - it's all his other posts - like the one where he suggests getting the doctors to decide when hi wife should be OK for her ILs to visit, or where he tries to get us to put a number on how many days we think it should be, as if he is going to use that number to put pressure on her.

He actually says:

"But...if she tries to drag out the time this could be done (and to me this would be anytime after the doctors who I respect as being independent) confirmed they were happy for her to have visitors, then I would expect my right as a dad to allow me to show my son or daughter to my parents, if just very very briefly."

He says he is going to listen to her, support her, let her set the pace, and in the next breath he starts talking about HIS rights, and at one point says he thinks it is 'pathetic' that she gets to call the shots because she's the one who is going to go through labour, and that she gets to decide when she does feel OK.

Perhaps he's worried that she may cite not being physically ready as an excuse? Agree about the tone, but I don't think there is anything unreasonable about what he's actually asking for. And really, do fathers not have rights??