Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

If you look at some of the extremely eloquent posts, about why a new baby needs and relies on their mum almost as much in the first few days and weeks after the birth as they did in the 9 months running up to it, you may understand better why some women would find it excruciating to be away from their newborn, even for an hour - so saying she could just go for a nap, or into another room, may not be a realistic thing to suggest.

No-one is saying that Simba should make an appointment to see his baby, but we are saying that, given the history, he needs to support his wife 100%, so she knows that he will put her needs ahead of his parents' needs - to be honest, at the moment, it sounds as if his primary loyalty is still to his parents and that family unit, and not to the family unit of him, his wife and their baby.

I also think, from what he's said, that the relationship between his parents and his wife is really bad - and if that is the case, and he forces her to allow his parents to visit before she's ready, when she's still tired, emotional, hormonal etc, she is going to be really upset by this, and it could cause lasting bitterness and unhappiness between them. Is it really worth forcing the issue?

As I've said a couple of times, my parents never saw my dses as newborns - and they still had, and mum still has, a good relationship with the boys - and it didn't change how special it was for me, or for them, or for the boys, when they first met.

In the grand scheme of things, it really won't make a huge difference to the relationship between simba's parents and his child. There are years and years ahead for them all to have a relationship with the baby. But if simba alienates his wife now, and it ends in divorce, it will be far harder for his parents to see the baby, and is it really worth that risk?

but hang on Jamtoast.

This is what the OP says

"However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents" he hasn't explained what the 'break-down in the relationship' was but as it was a 'Break Down' I think it must be over specific things rather than the general weirdness of his wife which has been his reason so far.

1. " my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby"

A perfectly sound request IMO. I wanted no one to know at all, my being in Labour was no one's business but mine and my husband's.

2." nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. "

Again - not totally unreasonable.

3. She is quite happy to have her mum in particular see her immediately after or maybe during the birth which I completely understand and fully support if thats what she wants.

I personally wouldn't have wanted my mum in the labour room but surely everyone can see why a new mother would feel most comfortable about having her own mother there after the birth? Even the OP understands it. She hasn't said she will have all her family there in the days after the birth.

I get all of that and ultimately he will have to accept it purely for peace but imo it seems totally unfair and (depending on the exact reasons for their rift) very controlling of his wife. Everyone is telling him to consider his wife's feelings but she's not considering his. He's at least trying to think of ways around it - best for everyone.

Putting an argument with the inlaws above your dh sharing an experience with his family (for even half an hour) is so childish and shows a lack of compromise.

Only Op knows if this is part of a wider picture of how things are to come but it certainly suggests that his family better get used to a back seat.

Thefabulousidiot

I get all of your posts and would agree, but she's only applying them to his family, not hers. I'll be honest, she has no right at all to dictate when he tells his parents, right to control visits yes but he can phone who he likes! She sounds very controlling.

She has every right to say his parents can't be told when she is in Labour as she is the one giving birth.

Fine for him to call once baby is born but not for him to tell his parents she is in Labour if she doesn't want to.

Birth is a private thing, some women are not happy for people to know they are on Labour, that is their right.

Ditto asking for a few days, week to recover after the birth before visitors, also fine.

Did you not notice jam the post by the op saying he will ask the Drs when his wife should gave visitors?!! Ffs that is not ok and the hospital won't allow visitors that his wife doesn't want. But the mere idea that he is thinking he can use the Drs to over rule his wife's wishes... Vile.

I couldn't disagree more, jamtoast. The person giving birth has the final say on who knows when she is going into labour, who visits after the birth and when.

"Everyone is telling him to consider his wife's feelings but she's not considering his."

He won't have just risked his life and short, medium and long term health by giving birth to a baby. How is it possible to propose that their feelings take equal priority here, unless you think his are more important?

I HATE the way people talk about women having babies as if it's nothing. It's one of the most life-changing things to ever happen and yet people tell us that immediately after it has happened, we should act exactly as if it hasn't, and prioritise other people's feelings and concerns as much as our own.

As someone else said, if he'd just had a huge physical life event (whether that be a medical procedure, running a marathon etc.) and he'd said he wasn't sure if he would want to see anyone for a few days afterwards, no-one would even think to question his right to set boundaries and put his own feelings first. It's only women who are told they aren't allowed to. Even when they've just risked their lives giving birth.

I think him having a special once in a lifetime moment with his family for say an hour is more important that her feelings - for just a short space of time.

But the wife isn't trying to prevent him having that moment. She's just asking him to wait until she feels well enough.

Have read this fred from the start and jismtoast's appallingly blinkered posts have finally forced my de-lurk.

As my formerly favourite quasi-feminist once quoted, a famous Texan saying is "the problem with women is they got aaallll the pussy".

And the wombs.

Fundi-religion* forbid a woman gets to have any say in her reproductive process or health.

• bearing in mind, in an infinite universe, there might be a different reason for any recent assholiness on this fred.

jamtoast I agree. I think this is more about the OP's wife's feelings about her in-laws than it is about her or the baby's wellbeing. This has been almost overwhelmingly bypassed by most of the posters here.

I wonder what the situation would be if it were about eg her sister or someone?

What will the baby gain by meeting it's grandparents at the hospital or in the first few days or them knowing when the op is in labpur4?

Nothing, the baby's wellbeing will not be affected if it doesn't meet its grandparents fir a few days/a week. But as the baby will be reliant upon its mother it will be affected if said mother is unduly stressed in those early days.

All the ops wife has asked is that in-laws are not told when she is in Labour.,, fine,

And that she wants to see how she feels after the birth and have a few days to recover before visitors, also fine.

Not before any visitors though, only visitors from his family.

And? Why is it so hard to understand that a woman feeling sore, vulnerable and hormonal may feel up to a visit from her own parents but not anyone else?!

She may not be upto a visit from them - no one saying she has to see them- but there's nothing stopping him showing them the baby for a very short time. Linking them both is unnecessary unless she's clearly making a point against his parents.

In hospital the baby can't be taken away from her and once home in her first few days she needs to rest and her home should be a sanctuary, she is asking for a few days.

Why are people so desperate so see the baby that they cannot wait for a new mother to feel up to visitors, then it can be an experience they all enjoy and have good memories of.

It seems pretty clear from the first post what happened between the OP and his wife. The same thing happened to me.

A simple discussion about when to tell family the baby is on the way/here, which possibly started with the op wanting to call his parents when labour started, escalated into an argument about what was an acceptable amount of time to wait before having visitors. It ended with the wife completely stressed out because the OP was probably arguing that it would be perfectly fine to announce she was in labour despite her being clear that it would really upset her if he did.

My husband was the same. Wanted to call his family, I didn't want to call anyone. It was only through a couple of all out rows that my husband was able to understand just how upset the idea of people knowing I was in labour was making me.

If the wife is being unreasonable it is probably because the OP is also.

" Linking them both is unnecessary"

It isn't unnecessary.

Again, the pretence that the 4th trimester isn't a thing. That giving birth to a baby is nothing. It's out now, no longer linked to you, stop making a fuss, this child belongs to us now.

Bialystockandbloom - if the OP's wife was asking him to make sure her parents or sister didn't come to visit until she was ready to see them, I would be saying exactly the same things I have already said here!! That during those immediate post natal days, it is absolutely her right to only see people she wants to see (or no-one at all bar her partner, if that's her choice), and if she doesn't want the baby taken away from her to be shown to people she really doesn't get on with, even if that were her parents, then that's her choice too.

For me, this isn't an IL thing - it's a She Doesn't Like X, And Doesn't Want To See X Until She's Up To It thing - if that makes sense.

She's allowed to put whatever boundaries up that she emotionally needs. I didn't want my mother there for DC2 because she'd annoyed me so much with DC1.

If she didn't want to see her sister then she shouldn't have to see her sister either!

Jam - why on earth should the knackered, bleeding, leaking, ripped-open new mother put her DH's feelings above her own? For crying out loud- she'll have had 9 months of putting the baby's health above her own wants, she'll have spent however many hours or days actually giving birth, she'll be looking at a lifetime of putting the needs of her brand new helpless baby first- but no, you think the dad's feelings are of paramount importance?

When the father is the patient, then his feelings come first.

In real life I don't know anyone who dislikes visits as much as they seem to on mumsnet....so many threads have people panicking, trying to avoid seeing people, worrying about people finding out they're in labour, trying to control every last step of the birth etc.

most people I know consider it an event for the whole family to celebrate.

Just because you don't know anyone who feels this strongly, doesn't mean that they don't exist, jamtoast, nor does it mean that, at this particular point, they don't deserve to have their feelings listened to.

From the ops initial posts, this isn't a one off thing, she avoids his family, doesn't speak to them etc even though he never complains that hers are a big part of their life. so I expect he knows this isn't really about the baby and more her avoiding his parents. You don't know that she'll include his parents at all. You don't know that this May be a plan to avoid them for weeks! None of us do but in posting I'm guessing that he may think that - That's why he's probably concerned. Everyone else is seeing it from an isolated incident. This is just one of many I guess but the most important to him.

jamtoast you seem to be completely ignoring the fact that this woman has had a big falling out with her in-laws so therefore isn't going to have their celebration as the biggest priority in her life.

The OP is conspicuously silent about the cause of the falling out.