Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

This thread is seriously nuts

OP has asked if he's BU by wanting to show his new baby to his parents. Response was generally "only when your DW is happy with it". He basically says "ok fine with me". Then gets pages of abuse, that he's vvvvv U for basically wanting to introduce his baby to his obviously evil despite any evidence mother (no mention of father of course, as according MN it's only ever the MIL who is evil), that he's heading for divorce, that he has no rights as a father as obv his only role was to "donate a handful of sperm" etc etc.

He's only posted about 5 posts on a thread of over 500 posts. How what has been inferred is beyond belief. Projection, much?

Crazy.

It doesn't bode at all well if Simba is used to thinking if his parents requirements first.

My dh used to do this. I was amazed. Everything was about making his parents happy. They were of course delighted by this.

I really kicked back. It came very close to divorce because I wasn't backing down on this. He realised what he had to lose. He had learned to put me and the dcs first. His parents were angry but they seem to accept it now.

Things you should be planning and focusing on:
creativewithkids.com/the-big-list-of-easy-interactive-baby-play/

'every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start'

It isn't actually. You will have to relinquish a lot of control to your wife, which I suspect you will find difficult. Parenting is a joint venture but with unequal in put initially.

She will be the one making choices around feeding. She will no doubt be doing most the nights so will make decisions around sleep. Same for day time and who she spends time with, which routine she finds best etc.

As an adult and main carer, these are her choices to make. It is your place to support and respect her during this process. You are in danger of being undermining and controlling with your current take on things.

"then every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start."

you won't always have the luxury of time to make joint decisions.
OK for the big stuff like 'shall we circumcise' (hopefully not) but not for most parenting stuff. I'm afraid you are probably going to have to default to your wife making the decisions in many baby related things.

“It is interesting to hear the opinion that the degree of parenting you do can justify how much influence you should have on decisions regarding your baby?And that because I only enjoyed 5 minutes of fun to play my part so far, that doesn't give me much of a say”.

You are just not “listening” at all, are you? The vast majority of people are speaking about the pregnancy stage and those crucial early weeks where Mum and her feelings/opinions are the priority (as per Superworm's comments). Did you read, for example, what I said about parental “importance” and parental “prominence”? You have a lifetime of joint decisions ahead and there will be times when you have to make important decisions alone.

Your role as a new father - especially in those crucial new weeks - is to support the (probably very fragile) new mother to nurture the (fragile) new baby. You should be the protective bubble that enables both to thrive. In your situation, given the poor relationship between your wife and parents, this includes delaying the first meeting until your wife feels ready and able. Doing this will facilitate so many good things – such as successful breastfeeding (or a happy move onto bottle feeding). This arrangement has a deep biological imperative that is designed to give baby the very best chance at the beginning of his/her life.

I hope you both are able to let this go and recognize that – while your feelings on this subject are perfectly valid – they are not being informed about what is best for your wife and new baby.

It might be time to reflect on your relationship with your parents and think about moving onto a more adult situation in which you can be both close & loving with them AND healthily detached from them.

Good Luck with it all.

You should be the protective bubble that enables both to thrive.

What a lovely description, Georgina.

No one I am sure is ever fully prepared for what actually happens and it is my responsibility to support my wife anyway she needs before during and after. And if a father does that, then every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start. This is not about my rights, I am talking here only of mums and dads in general.

Here you seem to be getting a glimmer of what this is all about, but then WHAM, down go the blinkers again. It is clear that you are paying empty lip service to the idea of support and that all you really want is 'rights' despite your protestations.

We want to do more but can't. That shouldn't be held against us

Nobody is holding anything against men in general, and certainly nobody is holding anything against any man who gets the notion that deference to a woman's wishes after childbirth is only proper.

What people are holding against you is that you are not one bit interested in supporting your wife. You have chosen to ignore what she wants by way of support even though she has clearly told you how you can support her.

You are not some helpless man powerless to make things better for your poor suffering wife so stop posturing as some well-meaning but ultimately-helpless-because-of-an-accident-of-biology, XY soul. If you want to support her then simply respect her wishes about visiting and the baby.

And stop carping about your right, or rights in general.

I expect op has quit asking actual mothers for advice and has joined fathers for justice to rant about his insane wife.

"every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start."

Only if every bit of parenting is joint. Just on feeding, it's up to her what she does with her body - if she can't, or doesn't want to breastfeed, sorry, you don't get to make a joint decision about that, because it's her body that's involved and not your's. If she's like most women in this country, she won't get to make a decision about it either - most women want to BF and don't get the support they need to do that, so they have to give up.

You going to do the night feeds? You going to change half the nappies, do half the baths, take half the parental leave, do half the school runs, take half the sick days, make half the school lunches, launder the PE kits half the time they need laundering, do hair half the time, do half the sports days, take half the time off for holidays and sickness? You going to seriously consider going part time or reduced hours to accomodate parenthood as seriously as she might?

Is that your plan Simba? Because if it, that's praiseworthy and impressive and then of course you should have joint decision-making.

If it isn't, then no, you don't get joint decision-making on the day to day parenting.

Nail---> head Math

OP you support your wife during and after her birth by listening to her wants and needs. She has expressed that she doesn't want your parents visiting her in hospital straight after the birth. She can't tell you exactly how long she'll need after the birth -and nor can we- nobody knows how her labour will go. But she is telling you how you can support her - listen to her.

Our intentions have always been for me to give up work when my wife ends her maternity leave and look after the baby full time. This might help me with my he a lth although I am sure it will be more exhausting than I can ever imagine my work being now!!

Hi Simba

From above:

"What is the consequence you fear if your parents don't meet your child for a couple of days, a week, whatever?"

Good question, TheDoctrine.

I am not sure the OP has taken on board what I said about my parents having just as good a relationship with my dses despite not having met any of them in the days and weeks immediately following their births.

You're right simba looking after a child will be far more exhausting than any job you've ever done before.

On a humorous note, here is a checklist you can run through to prepare you for imminent parenthood. As a pet-owner you may be familiar with some similar scenarios.

I'm not going to pick holes/arguments with anything but I feel that if you can just support your wife by letting her know you'll be "holding her corner" then all will be well. The days around the arrival of a new baby are unpredictable and highly emotionally-charged. What would normally seem like a reasonable request can be interpreted as anything but. So just be prepared, be patient, and be there! :)

MrsC - the 'prepare yourself for parenthood' kills me every time. You don't think it'll be true...but it is.

I sometimes think a couple of full grown goats would be easier than my dc in a supermarket...I'm just glad they're all at school now. Let the teacher deal.

I think you've probably had enough thoughts on what you should do but here's my experience which has actually made my relationship with my MIL better.

We compromised - no one - literally no one visited us after my home birth for 2 days. On day 3 my mum came for 15 mins max and MIL came to stay with my parents on day 6/7. Then all parents came and went together and the doors were opened to everyone else!

The result, happy MIL, happy DH & supper happy me as the 3 of us got to chill out, relax and get used to each other!

Thank you AskBasil he is indeed a very good man - I'm blessed with one of the good guys.

Our DS, now 17 months, has a great relationship with all of his grandparents so the delayed introduction had no impact at all and meant that I had a great start to breastfeeding ( the one and only thing that went well for me) that I was able to continue for 13 months.

Simba I've been talking to my DH about this thread, his advice to you is this: do what ever makes her happy. Her body, her choices. This is not your place to impose and your parents will just have to wait. End of.

I really really hope you've listened to all the great advice on this thread. Personally, in your wifes place, I would have kept driving and never looked back.

I wish you luck OP. your going to need a lot of it.

Simba - another important fact to bear in mind (brought to my mind by another thread). The more relaxed, stress-free and happy your wife is as she goes into labour, the easier it will be for her to cope with labour - because she will be able to relax as much as possible and go with her body and the contractions. That doesn't rule out the possibility of complications, or things not going the way you'd want or plan, but it does mean that, even if things don't go to plan, she will feel better able to cope with all that.

If, on the other hand, she is tense and worried, (maybe because she senses that you are not happy about arrangements for your parents to meet the baby, or that you are going to put pressure on her to let your parents in before she's ready), then she will be tense and stressed, and that will make the whole thing harder - and it will make the whole experience more stressful and unhappy - and I am sure you don't want that for her.

Three of my sister's children were born abroad and their grandmothers didn't meet them for several months. My mother does not feel any less their grandmother for that.

Simba. I think that the problem has nothing to do with when you introduce your baby to your parents.

It is clear from everything you write that the problem is in the overall relationship between you and your wife. You deeply resent the ruction between her and your parents. We have no way of knowing the ins and outs of this - it may be that your wife is a demanding, intolerant person who has driven a wedge into your previously happy family relationship. Or it may be that your parents have overstepped their bounds and interfered in the relationship between you. Either way, the situation needs addressing. I also think you must have had your reasons for allowing this situation to develop, and that also needs addressing.

But creating a stand-off over a single situation - baby meeting GPs - isn't the way to do it. There will be a million and one situations in which you and your wife disagree over things to do with your DC. In a healthy relationship, these things are discussed and a way forward is found (well, IMO in a really compatible relationship there's not all that many disagreements in the first place - but it doesn't look like you've got one of those).

So - in short, I think you need to stop obsessing about this one detail and start thinking about the bigger picture - the relationship between you and your wife, and how the two of you are going to be able to make it work. At the moment, it doesn't look like it will, and your DC will suffer the most from that, sadly.

Such an awful situation. If you both don't sort this rift out it's going to be a nightmare at every event of your child, birthdays, who gets it what, who buys first coat etc etc. I feel sorry for you to be honest, whatever the reasons for their relationship - to be stuck in the middle in unfair.

Having now read all the thread I still think that whilst I understand your wife's reasons, I can't help feeling that she is being unfair. If she simply doesn't want visitors that's one thing but you've earlier said she wants her family round from day one which is pretty mean.

I remember after the birth of my kids, I loved nothing more than seeing how happy everybody was to meet them and sharing them with my family. I equally loved seeing dh share the experience with his. During pregnancy, men often feel like a spare part, not knowing whether they can do right for wrong. The birth if the moment they get to feel involved etc. I can't imagine how it'll be watching your wife share the experience with her excited family and you not being allowed to have yours around. It sounds like your going to have a battle in the future with her family having centre stage.

No visitors at all is fine but excluding one side is pretty selfish. I can only presume those who are calling you etc have bad relationships with their inlaws. My inlaws were crying with emotion at seeing my kids in the days after they were born...pretty mean to deny someone that knowing all the other family are experiencing it.

Good luck but do address now as this is just the start of it I imagine.

Can't you imagine excluding people you really dislike, though, jamtoast? Having people there that you can't stand wouldn't be a wonderful experience and could spoil the whole thing, couldn't it?

Yes but I think she should put her husband feelings above her own to be honest. The after birth experience isn't just for her. Thee are two parents here.

I think him having a special once in a lifetime moment with his family for say an hour is more important that her feelings - for just a short space of time.

Nothing stopping her nipping out, talking with her family in another room or taking a nap upstairs whilst they visit. to deny him is just cruel I think. Think about it, all her family taking pictures, having cuddles etc and his having to pretty much wait for an appointment....like he's some sort of visitor!

He's the father with equal input IMO from the minute the baby is born. The fact the wife wants to dictate this should worry him for the future. His family have as much right to be there after the birth as hers. I made sure both families seen my kids at the same time as it's a special moment and some grandparents get very emotional about it.

I get that she may not like them but this is a major event and putting her dislike of them first is childish. We're not talking about someone who feels bad that she wants no visitors, we're talking about someone who just doesn't want his family. I'm shocked so few find this unreasonable.