Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I recently had my baby and I was exactly the same I didn't want my dh parents to be hanging around
But when the time came I couldn't have cared if they were at the hospital alls I cared about was my baby and my dh
Once the time comes nothing matters
It's scary being pregnant and giving birth
I was so unreasonable during my pregancy but I think all women are aloud to be lol, ur wife is going through a lot and try to understand what she's going through do what's best for ur family (wife and new baby)
Once baby arrives she will come around because nothing else matters once baby is born
Hope everything goes well for you
Ps get ur sleep in while you can lol

Don't listen to negative nasty comments having a baby can have a huge stress on a relationship, I'm sure you will work things out. Giving birth is very traumatic I found, and I didn't want anyone around after it, but my dhs family did not leave until 11 at night the first night home baring in mind I had been up all night having the baby they were all back the next day it still makes me mad wen I think about it now, so maby they could have a quick visit see the baby and leave explain to them your wife is tired let them pop in
Hope this helps

I dont think its all doom and gloom - you asked a question (which is more than a lot of men would do) you just have to think about the advice you have been given.

You cant expect your wife to be reasonable at this time, particularly as it sounds like she is on the dramatic side at the best of times. I had some downright crazy ideas when pregnant and just after birth - looking back I can laugh but no one was trying to pressure me into doing things I didnt want to I suspect my behaviour may have escalated and got out of control if they had.

Some of these posts are really nasty. . Telling the OP that you think he will be divorced in 6 months is very unkind.

It is my honest opinion of a person who was seriously telling MN that he intended to get her doctors' opinion on when she was ready to see visitors and presumably march them in and who clearly posted here in hopes of using the opinions of women against his wife.

Not only that, he said he thought his wife would drag things out (by which he meant her recovery) in order to keep his parents away and thinks he is a victim of emotional blackmail. She wrote him a letter and got into her car and drove away in the course of their discussions.

So all in all, I think my assessment of his prospects of remaining married once the baby is born were amply justified. One or other of them, or possibly both, are horrible people and communication has broken down in a very fundamental way. Having seen Simba's style of communication here, I have reason to believe the problem lies with him at least 50%.

And fwiw, when I say 'remaining married', I am not talking about 'happily married' or even 'rubbing along ok together'. This relationship is a million miles from that.

This is not IABU, it's an OP who is asking for advice. Telling him you think he will be divorced in six months is a horrible thing to do. I am amazed anyone could think that appropriate. Give the OP advice, tell him where you think he is going wrong but do it constructively.

OP, I really hope you have hidden this thread. Good luck with your baby, listen to the helpful advice you have been given and think long term. Loads of families struggle when the have new babies. It's not unusual for things to get fraught. I hope this thread hasn't scared you too much. If childbirth were so bad then none of us would have more than one would we.
Best of luck to your new family.

I suggest you now HIDE THIS THREAD.

He is asking for opinions to use against his wife.

He is not interested in helpful advice, constructive or otherwise. Every opinion that he can't use to make a case for his 'rights' he ignores, while thanking posters who made what he saw as the right noises. He has done much patently false handwringing over the difficulty from a man's pov of really understanding his wife and has made a point of stating he wishes he could ease her pain while at the same time making clear he feels he has her completely figured out and cares not at all about what she is going to go through. All he wants is his own way -- and just as he wanted to get the doctors to tell her what a bad wife she was being he wants MN to do so too.

You must be reading a different thread to me.

Oh and the title he chose for his thread was in fact 'Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help'

His question has been answered pretty much unanimously, and it is clear what sort of 'help' he wanted and also what sort of help he did not want (and has not taken on board at all.)

Try reading ALL his posts again Jumbled.

You want a time frame? The post-natal periods lasts around 6 Weeks. After that your wife should be feeling herself again and it would be reasonable for you to gently insist on the baby meeting your parents.

To put this in perspective, my father didn't meet ds until he was 11 days old because I felt so battered and overwhelmed I could only cope with dm.

I find it write telling that you have chosen then name Simba whose story ends with the presenting of a newborn, rather than Mufasa who is always seen as a wise and protective parent.

Maybe you can grow up from being the cherished only son, b because that's no longer the lost important role in your life. And the childhood illness is actually entirely irrelevant. Everyone is beyond excited and overwhelmed about their first child/grandchild.

I totally agree that the posts by Simba86 give a very poor impression of both himself and his relationship with his wife. If my partner claimed to love me "despite" my personality (wow) well, I think there would be some very serious issues.

It is also clear - as other people have posted - that you are simply seeking validation/support for your own opinion Simba86.

Last piece of advice: it is a well known fact that you cannot change other people Simba86. If we are not happy with a person/situation then we need to start by looking inwards to effect change. Parenthood it is all about self-reflection - maybe you can start that process now?

Anyone who starts a post "am I being unreasonable" of course will hope that they are told they are not. Rightly or wrongly I had come to an opinion which I along with anyone else who thinks something, will naturally hope they are correct. Nothing new there. I have seen the stress my opinion caused and took a decision to test my belief in the most objective of environments to get the most honest answers. I knew I wasn't necessarily going to be getting nice responses and some posts here frankly are just plain nasty and totally unhelpful. But thankfully most offer nuggets of wisdom I have taken on board.

As I have said before I never want to take the baby away from mum, nor have anyone take the baby away ftom me in the early days as I know how important that bonding time is for both of us. As for preventing the baby from breastfeeding by taking them away for any length of time??? That is simply absurd and not something I have mentioned as even I (dont shake your head) am not that obnoxious!

It is interesting to hear the opinion that the degree of parenting you do can justify how much influence you should have on decisions regarding your baby
And that because I only enjoyed 5 minutes of fun to play my part so far, that doesn't give me much of a say.

I could rant forever about how cynical that is but no one has asked what i have done to suppprt my wife during pregnancy. I just typed a paragraph of things I have done but realised the error in my ways as it just made me look like I have earnt rights which I know doesn't come across well here! Simple to say my wife only wishes I was better at back rubs otherwise she cant fault my efforts.

I and many many fathers desperately wish we could do more during pregnancy. But we can't. And dont hold that against us. When we chose to have a child we both knew what it took for the baby to be born. No one I am sure is ever fully prepared for what actually happens and it is my responsibility to support my wife anyway she needs before during and after. And if a father does that, then every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start. This is not about my rights, I am talking here only of mums and dads in general.

We want to do more but can't. That shouldn't be held against us

Btw simba is our pets name...just an unfortunate coincidence regarding this topic!!

"it is my responsibility to support my wife anyway she needs before during and after. And if a father does that, then every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start."

And you get that part of supporting her is listening to what she is telling you about early visitors, right?

If I were you, I'd just stop writing simba you're digging yourself further and further into a very large hole. Just say thank you and goodbye.

I suppose I just don't understand the attitude. My husband was worried about ME in labour, and after it. His priority was that I would be ok, and once our son was born, he didn't compete to hold him or do anything with him - he totally went by whatever I wanted. But that's what love is.

You married your wife, don't you love her? Doesn't her pain make you hurt inside? Aren't you worried for her in labour, and won't you be fighting for her if things go wrong? Or did you just marry someone you liked, so you could have a child???

Simba the trouble is you don't come across like other dads/dads to be.

Someone asked: "What is the consequence you fear if your parents don't meet your child for a couple of days, a week, whatever?"

Having been in a family torn apart by a similar obsessive (and yes it is obsessive) bond between a mother and son, which robbed my relative of his wife/kid (they even moved overseas) I would be mindful of this.
You are not responsible for keeping your mum happy 24-7. Yes, she saved your life but you are not. You are responsible for your child 24-7 (oh, and when they grow up, they won't be responsible for you... another interesting trend the idea of guilt-debt I won't go into here).

Do you know your mum (who has been through birth) will definitely object or are you worrying/anticipating? If she will she is showing a lack of empathy given her history, but perhaps is afraid of losing you to a new phase in your life. Will she (even in a sugar coated way) make you feel guilty? All these methods were used by the matriarch in my family. Of her children, only one stayed married and then only with counselling.

Whenever you speak of your rights, I get a familiar pang of the 'controlling man' who is actually controlling based on second guessing what might upset his mum.

"every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start."

See, I find this a bit concerning as well. It's a baby, not a sofa. It won't know whether it "sees" one, two, five or ten blurry faces in its first weeks of life. The decision you are canvassing on here isn't "nursery or childminder - we disagree, how can we decide what's best for our child?" "Private school and scrimp and save or state with a bigger house?"

This is a joint decision about the ADULTS in the piece, not about the baby. And one of the adults in the piece is unsure how she will feel and has asked to recover from this exhausting, painful, emotional experience before she has to make a decision.

"it is my responsibility to support my wife anyway she needs before during and after. And if a father does that, then every decision about the baby should be a joint one from the start."

You seem to see things in a very black and white way... if you support your wife, then you are entitled to have a 50% share in the decision-making from the moment the baby pops out. That may be fair enough with decisions about what school your child goes to or whatever, but I don't think you can (or should) apply this to the period immediately post-birth, for all the reasons the previous dozens of posters have been trying to explain to you.

I love that whole post, Sillylass.

sillylass well put

I agree with sillylass. It's not every day a woman gives birth and I'm sorry simba but anything she wants trumps what your parents wants. Come back to this board if she is still not allowing access when baby is a week or so old. FWIW I had this experience. My mother in law hung around the hospitals all sodding day and I ended up having a PPH and being severely ill. She was still waiting outside HDU and begging to come in and I told my husband no, i was not ready to see her or my own parents, anyway, he let her barge in so she got what she wanted. He is now my ex husband.

OP

Imagine a time in your future when you have a vasectomy.

Your wife asks you two months before if you'll be up to a weekend with the DCs and her parents a couple of days later. You say you'll have to wait and see. She says "well when then?" You say maybe a couple of days, maybe a week or so later.

She comes on here and says this is a decision to do with your DCs and is therefore a joint decision and what would be reasonable so that she can go back and argue with you again.

And you'd think, "yes, cool, no problem with that approach."

What exactly has happened between your wife and your parents?