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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

999 replies

simba86 · 11/03/2014 20:25

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

OP posts:
Martorana · 16/03/2014 22:37

A couple of hours? A bf 2 day old? Don't make me laugh.

5 minutes? At any age. Yes of course.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/03/2014 22:37

Jamtoast - just stop for a minute, and consider how much damage the OP could do,to his marriage and family if he follows your advice and takes his days old baby away from his wife, against her wishes, for a couple of hours??

I was a fairly relaxed new mum, but if my dh had taken any of my days old babies away for a couple of hours, against my wishes, I would have been incandescent with rage, and it would have killed our marriage stone dead.

5madthings · 16/03/2014 22:38

God I am glad my dp didn't think to take our babies away from me when they were tiny. I hardly wanted to put them down! Dp looked after me, and older kids with the subsequent four. He dealt with visitors and made sure I rested and ate and yes he cuddled baby and changed nappies etc but the majority of those first days the baby was in my arms or in bed with me.

And it was many months before they went off for hours as they bfed. Even the two that had formula were a good few mths old say four/five mths before dp took them away for a prolonged stretch of a few hours.

But thankfully it was never an issue, Dp totally understood my need to be with my babies and them with me.

NaturalBaby · 16/03/2014 22:39

"You want more say than her, you do more parenting than her. Simples" Spot on.
After 9 months of pregnancy and approx 12hrs of labour, you're going to have to give your wife a heck of a lot of time and space before you can start doing some significant parenting.

The first few hours with your new baby are precious, particularly with your first baby. Don't rush them or try to involve anyone else, just enjoy every minute of it yourselves (before you get kicked out of the hospital for the night!).

AskBasil · 16/03/2014 22:39

Just the very fact that you are talking about your rights OP shows that you are barking up the wrong tree.

You should be talking about your baby's NEEDS, not about anyone's rights.

TheGreatHunt · 16/03/2014 22:41

I still call the shots when parenting my tel four years in Wink

I joke - but your wife will take the lead and then you discuss and compromise and agree on things. There's no clearcut answer. With a newborn your wife will get many suggestions but I suspect she will ultimately decide what happens.

AuroraRoared · 16/03/2014 22:42

Gosh, I really hope that your wife sees sense soon, Simba, and bans you from the delivery suite/postnatal ward.

You are coming across as competitive and adversarial. Not good qualities in a husband or father.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I suggest that you adopt that as your new mantra. This is primarily about your wife and new baby. She has already said that she will invite your parents over when she is ready. This is eminently reasonable.

If you push her to do something which she doesn't want to do in order to create some sort of fantasy disney-moment for you and your parents, it may well spell the end of your marriage.

What are the exact reasons that your wife doesn't get on with your parents?

Inertia · 16/03/2014 22:43

The newborn period is generally considered to be about 12 weeks, particularly among those who subscribe to the notion of the fourth trimester . If your parents haven't met the baby by then , I think it would be reasonable to suggest it.

ChasedByBees · 16/03/2014 22:43

Ditto. I BF and my DD fed hourly pretty much. I felt a strong desire to be close to her and know where she was. If my DH had taken her away anywhere for a couple of hours when I'd asked him not to I would have been inconsolable and we'd be divorced by now.

OP I personally felt I wanted my ILs to meet my baby early and I chose to do this in the hospital so I was more clearly a patient than a host. I can understand why you want your parents there in those early moments but please show your wife some consideration. She is the one that will have to labour this baby and she will undergo a huge rush of hormones in those post birth days. Please put her first. Being considerate is probably the best way to make her at ease and more receptive to seeing your parents.

5madthings · 16/03/2014 22:45

Yes Google the fourth trimester! Op.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/03/2014 22:47

Simba how is communication generally between you and your wife? Do you often disagree or misunderstand each other ? Do you often seek to resolve emotional issues with logic and debate ?

You remind me a little of my partner in your style of communication. I often misunderstand him and vice versa.

diamondlizard · 16/03/2014 22:51

simba, i think you need to have a word with your parents
they basically need to apolagise to her and start changung their attitude towards her
if you want them to get on
if they dont get on, they will end up seeing the baby less really
perhaps you should use this as a chance to make a fresh start
but your wife is the one to call the shots with a baby

AskBasil · 16/03/2014 22:52

OMG do you know how blissful and happy and amazing the first few hours after the baby comes out of its mothers body is. How bonding for the family, how much like a new start it is and how much love you feel for your baby and partner. Please for your own sake Simba, don't fuck it up by making it all about you. Make it about your family -you, your wife, your baby all together. That should be your focus now. You are so off-target here, really you are. But if you get it right, you could give your relationship a new lease of life. You have the choice here to strengthen or weaken your marriage. What would you rather do? What is your priority?

Anyway I'm going to STFU and go to bed because I can't stick around here writing incadescently angry posts and getting wound up. Work in the morning. Good night OP I hope you make the right choice.

DollyTwat · 16/03/2014 22:55

Op this is the start of putting away preconceived ideas of how it should be in your opinion. Because there are going to be lots of parenting choices that you'll make together as the baby gets older

You only have to search for threads about the issues such as breast or bottle, nappies or disposables, co-sleeping, controlled crying, baby led weaning, smacking, mum going back to work and child care

You can make each if these a battle, or not

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/03/2014 23:08

I think the situation with your parents and wife needs sorting out. The baby will magnify these problems , not resolve them.

You've given limited examples of what's caused the problems , saying only a difference in perspective. Either your wife is incredibly unreasonable or your parents have violated some boundry.

Either way there will need to be some compromise between you and your wife. I get the feeling you struggle to see things from other peoples perspective sometimes. There is no room for combative ideas and the minutiae you appear combative , ie , talking about your rights for instance, it will only ever provoke a defensive response from people .

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 16/03/2014 23:08

You're still talking about your rights, OP.

YABVVVU (still) btw.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/03/2014 23:20

I think AskBasil and SomewhereBeyondTheSea have answered your question beautifully.

Conversely, the point when you find yourself trying to prove your wife unreasonable and enforce your rights is the point at which you're in court, getting a contact order.

Yet again, your style of bloody-minded persistence, battering away from an unchanged stance, with the same old question - all the while claiming, with mock earnestness, that you have taken on board all our points and are so terribly thoughtful and reasonable - until we just roll over and shout out a number to make you shut up, go away and stop pestering us, makes me feel very, very sorry for your wife.

Georgina1975 · 16/03/2014 23:22

Honestly Simba86 - when she is ready. Simple question...simple answer.

My OP is not perfect. But he always said that his "job" was to support me - especially in those first few weeks. And that is what he did.

I have four aged from 4 to 26. You are equal parents but understand that your "prominence" will ebb and flow - note I said prominence not importance. Your wife takes centre stage in those first few weeks. You are a parent for a lifetime and beyond. Same goes for the grandparents. Try and keep an eye in that bigger picture.

Georgina1975 · 16/03/2014 23:29

Oh I am sorry...I have to be honest though. What lottigarbanzo said. You do sound incredibly disingenuous and quite immature.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 16/03/2014 23:39

Simba - why do you need a timescale? You are not arraging a meeting with business partners - you and your wife are waiting to meet your child. I just dont get why you are so fixated upon "when is it ok...." Are you not excited about being a Dad? Surely your first feelings should be about when you will get to spend time with the baby rather than obsessing over her mum/your mum - I cant say H or I gave either of those things a thought. If, after having the baby, I had said "I dont feel up to seeing ....." then he would immedately have cared and wanted to make me happy not be thinking "fgs, shes just saying that to be difficult"

I really dont get why you married someone you seem to see as such an inconvenience (I hope this is just how you have phrased it in writing rather than how the situation actually is)

To clarify - there is no set in stone timescale - I would suggest you pre-warn everyone that you will not be letting them know when she goes into labour...it may be very, very short like mine or it may take days (which will just make them unnecessarily anxious) Tell everyone You appreciate they are excited but you will let them know when the time is right for visitors.

Just chill out a bit, stop trying to organise this, try to enjoy what should be an exciting time, or your wife is liable to get seriously pissed with you and dig her heels in. To be fair you both sound like you need to grow up a bit and learn to compromise.

Amused by the whole "carrying the baby off to a waiting room" scenario - we had no waiting room - I got a harsh talking to from a nurse for walking around with my baby, they were to be pushed in their cots at all times for Health & Safety reasons.

winkywinkola · 16/03/2014 23:40

Why are your parents more important than your wife?

BlueSkySunnyDay · 16/03/2014 23:45

I agree totally too - it is not about what you or your partner want, it should be about what your baby needs - its not an accessory to prove anything and to be passed around as a curiosity, it is a small vulnerable totally dependant human being. It needs warmth, love and milk...it doesnt need to see anyone socially.

duchesse · 16/03/2014 23:45

Please for your own sake Simba, don't fuck it up by making it all about you. Make it about your family -you, your wife, your baby all together.

If only more fathers followed this advice, there would far fewer divorces and separations.

duchesse · 16/03/2014 23:50

OP- you have a tad under 8 weeks to get your head together and save your family unit long-term.

I don't know many women who would stay for any length of time in a family unit with a man so self-absorbed and focused on his own. Maybe because you haven't yet been through the hoop of parenthood, you don't really understand the enormity of what you and your wife are about to do, but your wife clearly has. You need to stop treating her as though she's mad and take a sensible amount of adult distance from your parents. They may be wonderful parents, but part of their role now involves stepping back and letting you manage your own life.

This is one big opportunity for you to step up to the plate of adulthood (rather than the pre-kids "kidulthood"). Seize it.

mathanxiety · 17/03/2014 00:04

Bloody hell, I feel like getting into my car and driving away, and I'm not even married to you, or pregnant.

I predict you will be divorced within 6 months of your baby's birth, Simba.

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