Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Martorana - I was fine leaving ds1 in the delivery room with dh, whilst I went for a (wonderful) post partum bath. But I might not have been happy to leave him with dh, if dh was going to take the baby off to see someone I didn't like. And I probably wouldn't have been happy about him taking the baby off to show him off to anyone (in that immediate post partum period) - I would have wanted to be part of that

FFS simba

Read Teatimecakes' post again and find out what a decent, loving man does when his wife has a baby.

And then FFS stop thinking about what YOU want and when YOU can start imposing your wishes on your wife and just study Mr Teatimecakes and try and be like him, because copying the behaviour of a decent man sounds like it might be the only way you can actually achieve behaving like one.

I feel even more overwhelming compassion for your poor wife than I did before. Nothing you have come back with, reassures me that that compassion is unnecessary. You sound like the worst sort of husband anyone could have - like you really have no respect or love or even liking for your wife whatsoever. I recommend a course of therapy to find out why it is that you haven't made the transition from cossetted only son to grown up husband and father and why you chose to set up a domestic union and reproduce with someone for whom you obviously have no respect and no esteem. FFS grow some cojones and if you dislike your wife so much, leave her now instead of after your baby's born, so that she at least doesn't have to put up with you mithering through the fucking life-threatening experience she is going to undergo in a few days/ weeks.

You are beyond belief you really are. Words fail. See a counsellor, please. And grow the fuck up.

It really is a simple question. I have clearly greatly misunderstood the degree of trauma my wife will be going through and I appreciate all your comments as it has certainly made me far more aware of just how much I need to ensure all my focus is on her when it will.be so easy to be distracted. I really do thank you all for opening my eyes to this.

Your points have been that a mother has gone through so much should always call the shots, (not dictate as my badly chosen phrase previously suggested). So when does that begin to level off and the wishes of thw father start to matter equally. Or does it never due to the very nature of a mothers unique bond their baby?

Pleaae please please take these questions as theoretical as my own situation with my wife ia good and better now I have assured her of my suppprt following the advice I have listened to on this fourm.

Ps she does use.l fourms too but not sure if she uses mumsnet

You are showing very clearly, that when the baby is born, you will be incapable of putting his or her needs before those of you or your parents.

That is the very definition of a bad parent - one who is incapable of putting the needs of their child first.

Think about that.

But you won't will you, you'll just ignore it and concentrate on the tiny number of posts which give you the benefit of the doubt.

You are asking us to base it on our post birth experiences.

We are saying, almost to a woman, "when she is ready"

Again Simba

What time frame do YOU have in mind?

It ISN'T a simple question - read my earlier post - it depends on lots of factors, and we are NOT going to give you an arbitrary point, at which you can say, "Mn says you are being unreasonable now - my parents are coming to see the baby, or I'm taking the baby to see them!"

And if you can't see how damaging that would be for your marriage and your family (ie. your wife and child, not your parents - they are no longer your primary family), then I despair of you.

So to respond to your last post, your opinions and views and outlook starts to take equal priority with hers, when you start doing an equal amount of parenting with her.

When you do 50: 50 parenting, it's right that your views should be considered 50% of the factoring in to any decision. If you do more parenting than her, then you get the greater say. If you do less, then she gets the greater say.

You want more say than her, you do more parenting than her. Simples

SDTG, why do I get the feeling if we did answer, he'd take an average of our replies and book the B and B for day 4.423 or whatever...

Gosh, you really are coming across as an overly entitled 'world revolves around me' piece of work. We answered your question, quite a few times in different ways across the thread, you just didn't like that it didn't have a number.

I've not read entire thread so apologies if I've missed something but going purely from your original Op I don't think yabu at all. This is an important event for both of you and it's only natural that you'd want to share it with your parents. I do not think they should be there on the day of the birth or even the next day if your wife is planning to breastfeed but I have to say I find it odd that people think it's ok to exclude family members until the wife says so? Given they don't get on, she could keep this going for ages.

Yes giving birth is huge event but it's also very exciting and the father has every right to enjoy the aftermath which comes with having a baby. I think after a 2-3 days of being home, you have every right to take your child to see your parents, time depending on feeds etc but certainly for a couple of hours even if your wife says no to visits. It's your child too.

You do need to discuss and sort prior to the birth though.

Maybe because we are both 'orribly cynical, Garths. It would be nice if the OP proved us wrong, wouldn't it - but I am not holding my breath. I feel sad for his wife.

Jam - the thread is 500 posts long, yup, you've missed quite a bit . Have at least a read of some of the OP's updates.

"Listen to what FairPhyllis said about why a new mum might not want her baby to be taken away from her. I keep repeating it because it explains it SO well! and you need to take this on board"

I did listen. I understand. But I think that our primitive, animal instincts don't always serve us well. Yes of course we all have an instinctive need to hide in a cave with our new baby. But because (unlike other mammals) we are rational beings and we expect the fathers of our babies to contribute an equal share to their care we need to fight our instincts a bit.

The point at which your relationship starts working is the point at which you stop trying to base it on external yardsticks.

When do the wishes of the father start to matter equally? At the moment when his interests and those of the mother are totally aligned.

You're bringing a person into the world, did you notice?

HTH.

Jamtoast - please read the whole thread, and see how the OP is coming over as legalistic, and unwilling to put his wife and chld ahead of his parents, and his need to show the baby off to them.

Also.

My DS was taken off by a HV for some test or other, I can't remember what it was now. He was gone for about 20 minutes.

After 2 minutes I started to fret. After 10 minutes, I was incredibly distressed and my heart was beating fast and my breath was short. By the time he returned I was nearly in tears. And I knew he was in the care of medical professionals, that he was safe, that he was being well cared for by people who had nothing but his interests at heart and I kept telling myself to stop being silly and to take the opportunity to have a shower and time to myself. But it was still fucking gut-wrenching and anyone who casually says that a quick walk around the hospital is OK can just fuck off because it's NOT OK if a mother is not happy with it.

As for taking a baby away for 2 hours against a mother's will - FFS. Again, not putting the needs of a child first.

It's impossible to say when she will be able to relax a bit more and let you take the lead. There are far too many variables and it depends as much on your mother and how things go with her and your wife in the first few days/weeks/months.

I ebf and it took almost a year, I'm afraid to say, till I could really start to relax and let my DH and his mother to take the lead. I'm still very controlling and my youngest is 3. A big issue for me was that my MIL had expectations of how things would be done and they didn't match up to reality, so it took quite a few months for us to establish things and accept each other (and accept that we weren't going to do things 'her' way).

Martorana - I'm not saying that that gut reaction should apply for ever, or even that it will carry on for weeks - but in those first few days post partum, I think it isn't unreasonable for a new mum to feel that way.

Really jam you would suggest taking a baby less than a week old away from its mother for a
Few hours?even of bfed? They don't nfeed to a schedule then, they often feed little and often with not much break inbetween. It's
A really important time for getting ffeeding established and bonding.
I know once mine qwere older we managed to time feeds so I would feed and then dp would take baby out for say an hour? He would go do the shopping and I would get a shower in peace!

But it was quite tricky to do and in the first few weeks would not have happened.

I don't think asking for a week or so Grace before visitors is unreasonable at all.

I think after 2-3 days of being home, you have every right to take your child to see your parents, time depending on feeds etc but certainly for a couple of hours even if your wife says no to visits. It's your child too.

It could well be his divorce, too, jamtoast, if he follows advice like that. And if baby is BF there is no way you could take him/ her away for a couple of hours without mum's consent - that's just nonsense.

Maybe you should at least have read all the OP's posts to get a fuller idea of how he is coming across in his attitude to his wife & in his overemphasis on his "rights" before posting.

I feel sorry for OP he has been attacked viciously on this thread!

Oh FGS we don't need to fight our instincts. They're there for a reason, they are the reason the human race still exists - because we honoured and followed them.

Why should we fight our instincts? So that immature man-children can have a lion king moment at the expense of the mother and baby? Really? That's really more important than the welfare of those 2 is it?

I wouldn't have taken the DCs away from DH for a couple if hours after 2-3 days whilst he was on paternity leave if he didn't want me to - and he wasn't BFing them!

Simba I think you have a style of communication that makes you sound quite hard and unemotional although I don't think that's your intention.

Anyway I sort of understand what you are asking about when a fathers rights start to matter. I can't really respond to that because ideally you should be on the same team and it shouldn't ever really come up. I think there's something wrong when it does come up.

I feel sorry for his wife. And his new baby if he's not capable of changing his rights-focussed, adversarial attitude pretty fucking quickly.