Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

What waiting room? Post natal wards don't have waiting rooms or visiting rooms anymore and the babies are nor allowed to be taken off the ward.

And I don't see why any relative is so desperate to see the baby that they cannot wait until the mum is feeling up to visitors. I would never presume to go visit a new Mum in the first days after birth unless invited.

It's not a mil issue it's a new Mum, tired ans hormonal and wanting time, space and privacy to recover and get to know baby.

I had visitors at hospital with ds1 it was awful.

With ds2 my mil came to hospital invited by me and it was fine.

Tbh my mil was fine, she is lovely. Other relatives tho lovely were not so considerate and even tho it's now years later their behaviour in the early days after ds1 and ds2 still rankles and is why I was stricter for the next three.

What waiting room? Post natal wards don't have waiting rooms or visiting rooms anymore and the babies are nor allowed to be taken off the ward.

And I don't see why any relative is so desperate to see the baby that they cannot wait until the mum is feeling up to visitors. I would never presume to go visit a new Mum in the first days after birth unless invited.

It's not a mil issue it's a new Mum, tired ans hormonal and wanting time, space and privacy to recover and get to know baby.

I had visitors at hospital with ds1 it was awful.

With ds2 my mil came to hospital invited by me and it was fine.

Tbh my mil was fine, she is lovely. Other relatives tho lovely were not so considerate and even tho it's now years later their behaviour in the early days after ds1 and ds2 still rankles and is why I was stricter for the next three.

What waiting room? Post natal wards don't have waiting rooms or visiting rooms anymore and the babies are nor allowed to be taken off the ward.

And I don't see why any relative is so desperate to see the baby that they cannot wait until the mum is feeling up to visitors. I would never presume to go visit a new Mum in the first days after birth unless invited.

It's not a mil issue it's a new Mum, tired ans hormonal and wanting time, space and privacy to recover and get to know baby.

I had visitors at hospital with ds1 it was awful.

With ds2 my mil came to hospital invited by me and it was fine.

Tbh my mil was fine, she is lovely. Other relatives tho lovely were not so considerate and even tho it's now years later their behaviour in the early days after ds1 and ds2 still rankles and is why I was stricter for the next three.

What waiting room? Post natal wards don't have waiting rooms or visiting rooms anymore and the babies are nor allowed to be taken off the ward.

And I don't see why any relative is so desperate to see the baby that they cannot wait until the mum is feeling up to visitors. I would never presume to go visit a new Mum in the first days after birth unless invited.

It's not a mil issue it's a new Mum, tired ans hormonal and wanting time, space and privacy to recover and get to know baby.

I had visitors at hospital with ds1 it was awful.

With ds2 my mil came to hospital invited by me and it was fine.

Tbh my mil was fine, she is lovely. Other relatives tho lovely were not so considerate and even tho it's now years later their behaviour in the early days after ds1 and ds2 still rankles and is why I was stricter for the next three.

I turfed my own older children out of the hospital (shared room) when they came to see DC4 and me the day after she was born.

They were generally well behaved children then aged 8, 5, and 3 but my mum and my now exH were not, as far as I could see at the time, doing anything to stop them being incredibly annoying -- touching control buttons on my bed, asking for the TV, being noisy and nosy when there was another mum and her baby trying to rest in the bed beside mine, drawing curtains aside and peeking at said mum and her baby, banging our shared bathroom door. I apologised profusely to the other mum when they finally left. The episode made me furious with not only the children but also my mum and exH, so much so that I read them all the riot act when I got home. Before going home I had a heated argument on the phone with my mum over how much chicken to defrost and cook for dinner and what side dishes to prepare (after she called me to ask what she should cook for everyone)..

And the moral of this story is, OP, if you think your wife is going to be more receptive to your pov when the baby comes you are possibly in for a surprise. If there are tensions now between you and your wife you can expect them to be magnified x 1000 when she has just delivered. It has been my experience that women who have just had a baby are not in the mood for unhelpful attitudes or behaviour on the part of those around them.

And it's not just me. I have spent time with my DCs in local parks and chatted with new fathers whose pleasant-mannered wives I know, all out with their small children with instructions not to come back for as many hours as they could squeeze out of playtime. These were couples with great relationships, and fathers/husbands who knew the ropes, and they were sent packing because it was just too much to cope with people and a newborn and exhaustion, even the nearest and dearest people.

Sorry phone went mad!

Do post natal wards have waiting rooms, 5mad?

Thank you Martorana for your support and showing me there is at least one person that understands my point of view.

So...everyone....assuming I follow your advice and take on board that the stress of my parents on her is simply not fair on someone in such a fragile state post birth...when can would you consider a refusal to do something that I would like to do, but may not what she would choose to do.as being unreasonable?

This sounds an arrogant question, but based on your post birth experiences...when would you have considered yourself unreasonable if you refused to allow your oh half to do something like this. I appreciate everyone will have a different answer and there is no right or wrong answer

My DCs are older but I realise there are no waiting rooms as such except on Casulty however, I didn't know that you weren't allowed to take babies off the ward. If that is the case, then any thought for the dad to nip out to see his parents clearly won't work.

How about Skype

Martorana - forget the walk round the block - consider this instead.

There is a big difference between leaving your newborn in your dh's arms in the delivery room whilst you go for a shower, and letting your dh take your baby away from you on the postnatal ward, knowing he is going to hand your baby over to someone you don't get on with.

As I said, no-one is saying this is forever, or even that it will be weeks - what we are saying is that, in those first exhausted, hormonal, emotional, sore days, it isn't unreasonable for a new mum not to want her baby out of her sight.

You still aren't taking anything on board are you Simba. You are still focused on your rights. Your entitlements. You are still prioritising you and your parents above all else.

If you had understood anything we've said, you'd understand why your question is not just arrogant, but precisely and exactly the opposite of where your focus should be. You shouldn't be setting up an "at X point my wife is unreasonable and I will impose my will."

I've said it before. Like jelly to a wall.

Simba

What time frame do YOU have in mind?

Why would you want to force your wife to have visitors she disnt want when feeling fragile and sore post birth. Why would your parents want to insist on visiting beofre your wife was ready? Though you havemt said when your parents want to visit?

I would never expect to visit apost natal lhter wihtout an invite from her, whether that be a few dyas or a few weeks after the birth and when the tiem comes with my own grandchildren I will respect the wishes of the new mum.

Totally agree with you, Penguins.

After everything that's been said here, Simba's response is basically: "Okay, then, everyone, tell me what my wife has to do for me to be able to label her unreasonable. Tell me when it IS alright for me to disregard her feelings & wishes".

Really quite depressing. And I've no idea why you think everyone will have a different answer, Simba. Nearly everyone so far has given you pretty much the same answer about what you need to do, but even that seems to have no impact on you.

Be very clear, Simba, before you say I am supporting you, that I don't think your wife should have to have any visitors that she doesn't t want to have, that I think your job is to support and look after your wife and baby for as long as and as much as you can. The only way I differ from other posters on this thread is that I think you should be able to take your baby and introduce him or her to your parents as soon as possible- for five minutes. And I also think your talk of rights and seeking advice from doctors is distasteful. But yes, I think you should be able to take your baby to meet your parents. As I said- for 5 minutes.

Lol am on a tablet now and it has a crappy autocorrect! Mist take time to preview posts.

I refused to let my mil see our baby when he was finally out of NICU on the day before she flew back to her home abroad ... THAT would ave been unreasonable.

However, had our son's birth gone well, with no NICU stay, and had I requested a couple of days after the birth to get to grips with breastfeeding before allowing MIL to visit, then that wouldn't have been unreasonable given that she had booked to come over for a couple of weeks and had ample time for visits later.

Does that answer your last question OP?

If your wife wants some time to get used to having a baby and learning to breastfeed, then give it to her and enjoy the space and time in which to get to know your baby. Your parents can come a bit later. There is no need for them to be at the bedside, or in the waiting room.

At the very least allow your wife to get home with the baby before you arrange visits that your wife does not want.

What is the consequence you fear if your parents don't meet your child for a couple of days, a week, whatever?

Simba - that is a 'how long is a piece of string?' question. There is no single definitive answer as to when it becomes unreasonable of your DW to continue saying she's not ready for your parents to visit. It depends on many factors - how sore she is, how well breastfeeding is going, how the hormonal surge at around the third day affects her, how much sleep she's getting, and so on and so on.

It still sounds like you are looking for loopholes, a rule that you can apply, that will 'make' your wife do what you want her to do - and she is going to pick up on this. Even though you have told her you will support her, and will leave the decision about when she's ready to the the ILs up to her, I bet she's picked up on the fact that, not too deep inside, you still think she's being unreasonable.

You haven't truly heard any of what people have said on this thread - apart from Martorana - and the only reason you've listened to them is because they agreed with you.

Listen to what FairPhyllis said about why a new mum might not want her baby to be taken away from her. I keep repeating it because it explains it SO well! and you need to take this on board.

"IMO a newborn is still totally dependent on its mother - for food if bfing, and for comfort. Her smell, the sound of her heartbeat and the sound of her voice are all that it knows. To all extents and purposes a newborn in the first weeks of its life is essentially inseparable from the mother and she will have a very strong bond with it - stronger than yours will be at that point. Your wife will have an overpowering instinct to protect the baby and if you start passing the baby around before she is comfortable with that, she will be very upset, and, judging by many threads on here, will remember and resent it for a very long time."

Mart, I'm glad you posted that.

One of the issues I think is that the PILs live two hours away - whether Simba would restrict them to a five minute visit remains to be seen. Additionally he's said a couple of times that he wants the PILs to see them as a group eg
"I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby"

"nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth"

Your DW has never said it would be months - her time frame has been "when I'm ready, in a week or so or maybe less"

...so I'm guessing that YOU want the "unreasonable" time frame to be less than a week?

An earlier post about a MIL taking a crying baby and walking away from it's mother to unsuccessfully attempt to soothe him has reminded me of the time a relative of mine, after taking my chid off me and attempting to force him into a pushchair, turned on her heel and walked off with my now hysterical child when I had requested he be returned to me.

It caused a massive argument between me and my husband and I still don't think he understands why I was so pissed off by it and how very let down I felt when he gave his support to that relative rather than to me.

It had a very great effect on our marriage for many months.

You are excited to introduce your baby to your parents. Fair enough.

Your wife is your priority. You need to show her you respect her, no matter how difficult it is for you to understand. Hopefully her relationship with your mother will improve with time but this is not something you can force. Try and figure out where her feelings and emotions are coming from rather than putting a timer on how long is too long to keep your parents waiting to meet your baby.

This is something you have to accept you have very, very little control over. There is absolutely no point in obsessing about details that you will have little/no control over. Just support your wife. Listen to her and support her.