Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Well yes of course, we all know that. I asked the midwife to let my MIL sneak in very early before visiting hours for a tiny peek, so for me personally it was fine too.
But it really has to be the wifes' decision and husband has to support her.

Jesus. I feel so sorry for the OP's wife.

OP, you carry on with that attitude and she'll be an ex wife in due course.
If you fuck things up at that moment - that crucial moment where her body is flooded with hormones and instinct kicks in, that instinct which has kept the human race going - you may well fuck things up for the rest of your marriage.

Please try and put your relationship, your marriage and your wife's welfare above your ego and your frankly vile obsession with your rights. You don't have any rights - only your child has. Please grow up and start thinking about your responsibilities as a father and a husband. And when you are risking your life, your body and your long term health to bring a new life into the world, then you can start talking about your rights.

I have already said many times that I have listened to all the advice, taken it on board and reassured my wife that I will not make any contact with my parents until she is happy for me too. She knows I am close to my parents and would like to share a moment with our new born, just like she does with hers.

I am staggered by the overwhelming attitude that I should just do whatever she wants to save any damageto the relationship. So if she doesnt want her mum in the delivery suite before during or after for support for her, but wants her to meet the baby shortly after, then if that's what she wants thats fine is it? And I should just accept that if her seeing the ils it will stress her out so that's not something I should allow to happen?

It is nothing other than me wishing to share a moment with my parents who nursed me for many many years when they were told I would not live, consequently I never had any other siblings and frankly they did.not expect this day to come.

The issue of me showing the baby to my parents for 5 mins in the hospital with my wife is nowaappearing a far bigger issue than it ever was, only because I felt something so simple that I just took it for granted that itwould be an alalmost expected event.

The tension it has caused is in my view wholey unnecessary which was why I posted the question. What I am asking is if something is important to your partner surely as I have always tried, you do what you can to make it happen. My wife doesn't actually need tp do anything for this, and I would expect her to know I would want to do it just as she does with her mum. So to say she can do what shw wants just because she.is the one who.has.gone through labour, and that can last for as long as she feels like it is to me pathetic. This is not what she is saying now, but what I am getting from posts on here

I will not make any contact with my parents until she is happy for me too

So to say she can do what shw wants just because she.is the one who.has.gone through labour, and that can last for as long as she feels like it is to me pathetic.

• how are these two parts of your post compatible?

She does know. She is trying to let you be aware that she might not feel up to seeing your parents, who you say she doesn't get on with, for an unknown amount of time ranging from hours after - to up to a week.
I haven't noticed you writing that she is point blank refusing to see them at all for the first week. It reads as though she is trying to prepare everyone; herself, you and your parents for the fact that anything could happen and you might have to wait a little longer than you hoped.
If she wants her mum in sooner than yours, then yes, it should happen, without you getting your arse in your hands. Same as if you were really ill, or in an accident, you'd want your mum, not hers to visit.

I gave you a best possible scenario wrt first birth. The only visitor I wanted and was up to seeing was DH for a couple of days. I'm not close to my mum, so who visited first was never an issue FOR ME.

Would you be happy waiting a couple of days, assuming your wife has the same birth experience as me? With no pressure? Even if her mum comes sooner?

Also, what are your parents views? Might they wish to wait for the all clear anyway? I would wait eagerly but patiently for the all clear, which seems reasonable for anyone wanting to visit surely?

Oh do go away Lion Man, you are either seriously stupid or just plain ignorant... "She" is your wife, "she" is about to have her body virtually feel like it's been ripped in two, and "she" is about to be the mother of your child... If you had an ounce of respect for her, or at least as much as for your parents (and so what if they only had one child who was ill, they aren't alone in that, and are the grandparents now not the parents, and not the patients parents either are they)... But your not listening because your wife isn't your priority, your ego is - no point in advising this man of anything, he knows it all

Also, when everything was done and dusted wrt the birth, DH nipped out and told everyone ,my family and his family. And they still all waited to visit. Which is right.

What I am asking is if something is important to your partner surely as I have always tried, you do what you can to make it happen.

Oh the irony.

Oh my days.

I hope she leaves you.

By the way, you are the pathetic one, not her.

Oh

dear

God.

You may not be a lawyer, but as I have said, you sure as hell argue like one. Read each of your posts and look how many times you have said you are taking on board everything we have said, without actually doing so one jot. Look at how many reasonable questions have been posed to you that you have totally ignored. Look how many times you have stressed how reasonable, logical and sensible you are, and how mean, irrational and emotional everyone who disagrees with you is.

It is also very noticeable that your default is to assume you are in the right. For example, you assumed you were being told 'horror stories' about birth and complained loudly about that. We told you that they weren't horror stories. The truth dawned and you said 'oooh, sorry, I didn't know anything about this.' Don't you think that, if you don't know anything about something and you've done one NCT class, the more open way to approach a discussion might be "Is this really how it is?" and not " you are all deliberately being misleading and scary"? See, you start each time from the assumption of your inherent correctness, not from an open and learning position (as you keep claiming).

The more I read, the more it seems that your priorities are you, your wants and needs, then those of your parents. Your wife and child don't even seem to command much respect from you. Your description last night about the reasons for the breakdown in relations, what you will do if your wife doesn't agree to visitors as soon as the doctors say she is medically fit, and what you think of her generally is really rather chilling. You have today claimed you won't contact them until she is ready, but that's the opposite of what you said last night without any acknowledgement of change (in fact, you do the opposite and claim it's what you've 'already said many times').

I started off this thread thinking you sounded nice but naïve. The more it goes on, the more you just sound like you don't see yourself and your wife as a team and you don't respect her. You are set up as adversaries.

The fact that you were so (understandably) utterly precious to your parents has, I feel, made you lack empathy for anyone other than your family unit. That is you and your parents.
You say you love your wife and would do anything for her, but this thread suggests otherwise. Hopefully, everything will work out for you ALL.
Good luck.

I am struck by the difference in intent between

"I have already said many times that I have listened to all the advice, taken it on board and reassured my wife that I will not make any contact with my parents until she is happy for me too"

and

"The tension it has caused is in my view wholey unnecessary which was why I posted the question. What I am asking is if something is important to your partner surely as I have always tried, you do what you can to make it happen. My wife doesn't actually need tp do anything for this, and I would expect her to know I would want to do it just as she does with her mum. So to say she can do what shw wants just because she.is the one who.has.gone through labour, and that can last for as long as she feels like it is to me pathetic".

You still feel your wife is being unreasonable, you still feel that labour is neither nowt nor summat, you still feel that your wishes to have your parents there should trump your wife's desire to take as long as she wishes to recover before they visit. In other words, you haven't taken FUCK ALL on board. You may have agreed to let your wife call the shots on this one, but you have done so very much against your will and you clearly deeply resent her for it. Please go back and read this thread again and just try to understand what might be going through your wife's mind right now. You need to support HER, not be advocating for your parents' "rights" at this time.

Simba
I would leave this thread now. I don't think you will get any useful advice. Mumsnet threads are a bit odd at times and posters can get very heated.

Have a read of the step parent boards or the relationships boards to see what I mean.

You received and listened to the constructive advice early on. I don't think there is anything to be gained by continuing with the thread.

Hopefully everything will work out. Think long term and enjoy your new baby.

Please don't confuse a 'joint decision' with her giving in and accepting your decision. You disagree with your wife and so you cannot have a truly joint decision, and any compromise would, in this situation, be a mistake.

You say that you want to play it by ear, but this is exactly what your wife has wanted from the start; she just, reasonably, wants it to be her ear that it is played by.

Oh well.

Not much more to say.

Yeah, pathetic that a woman who will be going through a trauma of giving birth to your child has any preferences. Fuck her, yeah. Let's hope you will know about the birth at all because it seems it might end in divorce. Actually it's a shame that you talked her round to coming back under false pretences. Nasty little man you are.

how come your wife and your parents dont get on??

has it not occurred to you OP, that the situation with the two sets of parents is also different because, once the baby is out, if your DW doesn't feel up to seeing her mother, she'll just say "I'm not ready to see my mum" and cancel her coming, and it'll be between your DW and your MIL and she won't, at the point she's decided she's not capable for seeing anyone, have to negotate with you.

Seriously, if your DW says "I don't want my mum to come yet, so I'll cancel her until tomorrow" would you at that point start arguing that she must that you'd agreed to let her mum in? Of course not, so it doesn't need to be set in stone now, she's able to change her mind later. However with your parents, she needs to get you to agree in advance that they won't be sat there waiting until she's ready, because if she changes her mind at the time and wants them to visit earlier, then that won't be a problem, but if she wants them to visit later, you've already shown, that will be a problem with you, and a problem she won't have to face with her family.

That's the big difference, with her mum, she only has to deal with her mum, with your mum, she has to deal with your mum and you. So that needs a clearer plan that you are agreed to in advance.

Oh, I've just seem OP's message from this morning.

None of this is about rights - it's about love and compassion, basic urges and needs, and you, your wife and baby.

It's not pathetic to suggest that an exhausted, hormonal, overwhelmed woman bleeding, hurting and learning her new existence as mother to a tiny, bewildering, but beautiful new baby might not appreciate a visit from people she doesn't like, and almost certainly won't want her child away from her for even a moment. My baby was taken from me immediately and sent to intensive care. It was very painful, more painful than the birth. Even though I understand that this was necessary, it still hurts. My deepest primal instinct is to possess and protect my child and I would rip and bite and kick and hate anyone I see as a threat. I am rational, but I am also animal, and never more so when it comes to my son.

Bran - I think we've had all we're getting on that:

^"As for the reasons for the poor relations? It is simply a case of my wife not being able to understand their perspective on life, and this goes not just for my parents but anyone else in life who doesnt share her view. She can cope just about with my dad, but not my mum....or any other female friends in my life!

But that is just her personality. I hoped the many milestones in our relationship would change things but it hasnt. I love her so much despite of this..."^

Oh and OP, you need to look at your behaviour towards your DW here, you don't talk about her like she's someone you like, more someone you tolerate in your life. So long term, you've going to have to fix that, or end up divorced.

If it's the latter, then accept it's unlikely you'll be the resident parent, you will be missing a lot of milestone in your DC's life.

You also might want to look at yourself, why are you married to and having a baby with someone you have little respect for? You might love and care for her, but you don't respect or like her. Why have you decided to have a family with someone you don't respect?

Why has there relationship broken down?

OP - each of your follow up posts starts off sounding so reasonable, then ends up sounding unsympathetic and adversorial. It makes it sound like you want people to think you're being nice but that your real attitude is that people (& your wife) are being unreasonable.

"I am staggered by the overwhelming attitude that I should just do whatever she wants to save any damageto the relationship"

This isn't what people have said - they've said in the immediate aftermath of giving birth (ie first couple of weeks til her hormones have settled, her body has started to recover & feeding is established)her needs and wishes come first and you should do what you can to help her & facilitate what she wants. And that she may well resent you in the future if you try to railroad/persuade her when she is vulnerable.

We don't know your wife - it may be that she is an absolute witch who is using this opportunity to have a power trip regarding your parents (in which case you have bigger issues to worry about than when your parents see the baby) - but you have chosen her & to have a baby with her, so try to support her now & hopefully she'll really appreciate it.

Just thought of something interesting. This is a true story (obvs anon people) but might have some bearing.

My one of my relatives is estranged from some of the family due to 'control', and has a strained relationship with others. He has signs of OCD, sees everything right/wrong and can be very charming- less charitable folk suggest narcissistic personality.
To give an example, this relative 'broke in' (well used the spare key un-asked) and re-painted a room in someone's admittedly shabby house because they had done it "wrong" (not what his mum had always told him was tasteful). He viewed them as 'argumentative' and himself the victim when they objected.

A therapist - 1st session and asked about the illness - put this down to the fact that in his home country, he contracted a tropical disease and his mother nursed him back to health from the brink. Apparently this is a common thing - I've dealt with similar in children/teens who struggle with cause/effect.
He was advised to deal with the understanding that to the rest of the world him (treasured survivor) and his mum (saviour) are just two average people with average opinions.

It just hit me reading OPs posts, the mention of the nursing back from a dangerous illness combined with the mental block re right/wrong and the plaintive "so she can do what she wants and that's OK??" type comments.

"So if she doesnt want her mum in the delivery suite before during or after for support for her, but wants her to meet the baby shortly after, then if that's what she wants thats fine is it? And I should just accept that if her seeing the ils it will stress her out so that's not something I should allow to happen?"

OK, so logically, you're perspective is:

• Your mum (remember to the rest of the world just a normal woman) feels upset by a situation: NO WAY NOT OK.
• Your wife (again, to a stranger just a normal woman) feels upset by something shortly after surgery/equivalent to surgery WELL THAT'S OK BECAUSE MUM IS NOT UPSET.

Subconsciously it seems you hold your mum as a higher status individual than your wife (or maybe consciously).
Are you worried by what your mum might think/that she might be upset with you (or acid-tongued going by my work)? Or do you just think this.

In you're mind you're being reasonable because you expect people to behave according to their status and how central they are to you. We all do ... it's just that your idea of status/central is completely out of whack with the norm.