Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Littlebear, they're alright. Not got much in common with them.

They used to live quite close to us so popped by two days after dc1 was born once I was home from hospital, we got a takeaway then they went home. Don't think they saw dc2 for a few weeks as they'd moved away by then.

I agree with Penguin utterly regarding the possibility that you're allowing your legal mindset to seep into your personal life in an unhealthy way. Relationships do not work on win/lose, proof and logic.

I've been married to a proud young lawyer who used to try to use his advocacy skills all the time in his 20s. I'm now married to (the same) older, more mature husband and lawyer ...who is still married thanks to his ability to separate the two situations. It took a crisis before he realised how burden of proof, logical 'rights'/'reason' and cross examination were utterly inappropriate tools to use in discussions about emotions or health anxiety. A example from the 'bad old days'? "Prove to me why you find xyz upsetting: otherwise it's not fact, you're just dictating your opinion..." I would walk off in the end.
Familiar?
As Penguin mentions, it does seem to be a trait which is easy to slip into but can be enormously damaging. He is mortified now at the marriage almost-ruined and the friendships lost by those boundaries blurring. I come from a 'law' family and it's impacted on several members over the years.

Sorry if I have caused upset, I do think its important for OP to respect his wife's wishes, and I hope they can resolve their differences,

Will this be your first baby Littlebear ?

If not then you have the experience of knowing how reasonable and supportive your DH and ILs will be. You already have a good relationship with them . OP's wife has none of those luxuries - instead she has her husband demanding rights and respect on his and their behalf coupled with the threat of her husband whisking the baby out of the ward as he sees fit.

But hey , anyone not in the same position as you must just be a MIL hater .

Littlebear

I hope you have a great birth!

OP, as others have said, it is not a joint decision. If it was a joint decision and equal process, fathers would not be able to be removed from delivery and post natal wards at the mother's request.

It is your wife's decision as to when she is up to visitors, and which visitors she is up to seeing. I would advise you to tread very carefully, it sounds like you're on extremely thin ice and if you don't stop trying to push your luck you may find yourself banned from the birth and postnatal ward.

Your needs and wants at this time are inconsequential compared to your wife's, she is the patient, she has gone through the physical and emotional trauma of giving birth, she gets to decide. Stop bleating on about being shown respect - respect has to be earnt and trying to run roughshod over your wife is not the way to earn it.
It is also very petty to suggest she has many faults, and to try to demonise her whilst saying that you still love her etc etc despite all this, making yourself out to sound like the loving dutiful husband. It may be that you aren't very good at wording things or getting your point across, but you make yourself sound like a bully.

FGS get off your wife's case and start genuinely supporting her, rather than just paying lip service.

Yes, hope all goes well for you, littlebear.

But now we have a baby on the way I am not prepared to be treated with such disrespect and blackmail

Chilling.

It's a long thread, so I can't remember for sure - is that a quote from the OP, Arisaig? Because if so, you are right - it is chilling!

Yes, it is a quote from the OP earlier tonight:

"Respect for them shows respect for me. Its not much to ask surely. And when it only involves us its only me who has to deal with her attitude. But now we have a baby on the way I am not prepared to be treated with such disrespect and blackmail."

Slightly mafia-esque... marry me, marry my family, respect and obey them.

If that were true of all marriages, it would be my DH I'd feel sorry for! (I am very close to my family but they're nuts. Meet The Fockers nuts).

Im not actually from a legal background, my only knowledge of legal proceedings came from studying law at as level! When my ml to be was being bullied at work I assisted in supporting a constructive dismissal case by spending the best part of 18 months whilst at uni preparing a case, gathering evidence and representing her for 2 days in court where a settlement was agreed.

My wife wants us to agree in advance that we will see my parents when she is ready which she has made very clear would be as long after the birth as she can make it but we have agreed to play things by ear and that she won't be pressured into anything and I will stand by her decision. She knows how I feel and I can only hope when the time comes we can find a compromise.

Damn right she should be able to dictate this decision. She is the one who will have carried this baby, felt them move, felt them hiccup and shared her body with them. She will have pushed that baby out, taking hours of agony to finally hold that baby in her arms. Months of waiting and bonding with this unknown being will finally be over.

Those first hours/days will be the most important of her life so far. She will be falling in love with this beautiful new person and will want privacy and time to get to grips with this wonderful, but terrifying change. Her body will be broken, she will need your support more than ever . She will need to know that the baby and her are your only priority and that you are able to support her in any way she needs.

If you love your wife, you will do anything to help her through those first hours/days. If all that you need to do is let HER decide when she is ready for visitors, aren't you willing to do that?

If not, I pity your wife for marrying such a selfish, self centred man.

Take your legal hat off op and try to empathise with your wife for goodness sake.

No, no compromise. This needs to be her decision op.

It really isn't about finding a compromise. It's about when she is able for it.

Compromise has no place in a post natal situation, it really doesn't.

You have the rest of your lives for that.

Oh and just to say, if anyone had dared try to take my dd to a different room shortly after her birth, I would have stabbed them without hesitation. I am not a violent person, but instincts take over and you cannot be separated from your baby. I would have happily killed anyone who tried to take my baby from me. She needed to be with me, her mother, the only thing she knew in the whole world.

Simba - what if the 'compromise' you are hoping for actually means your wife seeing your parents before she is ready and happy to do so? What if she feels resentment afterwards at being pressured into a compromise she really didn't want to make? Can you imagine how unhappy that could make her feel, and how it could spoil the memory of her early days with the baby?

Do you really want to risk doing that sort of lasting damage to your relationship? If you don't, you need to say "I will wait until my wife is ready and happy to see my parents before they come to the hospital.' End. Of. Subject. No hoping for a 'compromise' - just 100% on her side.

simba, agree to play it by ear. That is the very least your wife deserves. And please, please, please do not spend every day asking 'today? how about tomorrow?'. There's something slightly obsessive in the way you're posting now that makes me worry that you would ask and ask until your wife feels pressured into saying yes and having them visit before she's ready.

If your wife and ILs got on, it may be a completely different story, and she might've been more than happy to let them in straight away.

If your wife was apathetic towards your ILs, it might also have been different, and she might've said sure, they can come after you've settled in as a family.

But when there is a dislike and a discomfort there, asking her to invite them in to see her when she is vulnerable, and to hand over the baby she's carried inside her for nine months and has been its only protection and its only source of life and comfort, and watch it being passed around like a parcel - can you see where she might have an issue with that?

I think this is a sad thread. I feel sorry for everyone in the OP.

Simba. I think you have to play the long game with this. Maybe you will have to make do with sending your family video and photos of your new baby.

Maybe you could also get your mum to read some of the Mumsnet threads that detail 'things you mustn't do when you visit a mum with a new baby'.
There are a LOT of rules

There aren't really.

Just don't be overbearing and realise that it's the mum and new baby that take priority just after childbirth. What dad, Gran, auntie, anybody else may want is further down the list

So not a lawyer, but still jelly to a wall. Notice how many questions you have simply ignored, including why timing is so important that you would gamble a lot of hurt on pushing it.

Honestly, the best way for you to compromise is to just let the matter drop. You are pushing her into a corner, she is pushing back , and you are in danger of getting into a position where she feels so pressured that she doesn't even want you there, let alone your parents.

You need to think long term here, because this issue pre-dates the baby and is going to go on beyond the post-birth period. Presumably you and your parents would like them to build a long term relationship with your wife and the baby- the secret to that is to go at your wife's pace now. You are jeopardising long term family relations for short-term demands.

Remember none of us have a vested interest here. We are trying to help you , and trying to help you understand that threatening to have the newborn taken away from your wife and attempting to dictate visiting terms will not help you achieve your aims.

I read a pertinent quote on the Tony Benn thread, about politics being the art of the possible. So is parenting. You want some great moment of pride with your child and parents, treating your wife like some kind of delivery vehicle who can be immediately sidelined if non-compliant. What you will actually have is a supporting role in the proceedings - and the more you can support your wife and her needs, the greater the range of possibilities you will have with the next steps.

I also wanted to add that it didn't cross my mind that my in laws wouldn't see my brand new baby. I had 'eventful' with lots of blood and gore births and was never that fond of my in laws but I can't say I worried about them visiting early on. I'd rather they hadn't but it didn't cross my mind not to let them. It wasn't that my DH forced them onto me either. it just seemed like the right thing to do.

They came, they were truly delighted to see the baby, they gave some crappy gifts and they left. I didn't see it as a problem (even though I was always pleased when they left)

In some ways it was nice to get it out the way with.

I wouldn't have liked a long visit though.

Maybe things have changed over the last 17 years but when I had my babies the wards were choc full of relatives during visiting hours. I wonder if that happens now. It sounds like it wouldn't if it were a ward full of Mumsnetters.

Jumbled - great, it worked for you. Your choice. Doesn't mean it's right for the OP'S wife.

My MIL came to visit us on the ward, which was lovely because she is lovely and we have a good relationship. But the young woman in the adjoining bed had a lot of visitors and was tired out by it all, especially as she wasn't very sure of herself and there were some concerns around the baby. Her partner's parents turned up and expressed no interest in her at all, and spent the entire visit insisting she changed the baby's name so it was basically a rearrangement of their own son's name. That's what's sad - trying to bully the new mother.

Inertia I wasn't saying the OPs wife should allow her mil to visit. I was simply saying that it isn't always such a bad thing.