Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I would be really interested to hear the wife's point of view on this.

Simba, you say that you don't know much about childbirth - but the only things you want to find out about are what your rights are and how you can pressurise doctors into allowing you to take the baby from its mother.

You criticise your wife for the poor relationship with your parents, without explaining the reasons behind the discord.

You obtusely refuse to acknowledge the dozens of mothers on here, explaining how lack of support and selfish actions directed at the new mother are felt very deeply and never forgotten.

Your baby should be your priority now. Not your pride.

Employment tribunal eh? I have to say, I had been increasingly wondering if you were legal or from some adversarial background. I am, and I see the traits of how that can creep into your personal life. The constant emphasis on how reasonable you are being. The apparent acceptance of other people's position without budging an inch. The constant finessing of your own position. They are wonderful skills at work. They are bloody destructive in your personal life. Leave them in the office. I am starting to see why your wife drove off. Arguing with a legal type can be like trying to pin jelly to a wall.

I also think that the fact that you are placing all blame for the difficult relationship with your wife, rather than any with them or with you, bodes very, very badly for the future. Rarely is life that simple.

I'm sorry, simba, but in this last post I think you're coming across as someone who feels quite a lot of resentment towards his wife because of her attitude to your parents. I've no idea if any of that is merited - obviously we've only heard your side of things.

You have also just accused her of being completely intolerant of everyone with a different view from her, & of "disrespect & blackmail". You say you love her "despite" all her faults - which are many, according to you - but you don't sound as if you like her a great deal.

You also come across as someone who is viewing his marital relationship in terms of conflict & opposing rights rather than partnership; & who is very focussed on his own need for "respect".

Whether or not your wife deserves any of this, I'm afraid I feel very sorry for any woman about to give birth in this sort of emotional climate.

You have also just accused her of being completely intolerant of everyone with a different view from her, & of "disrespect & blackmail". You say you love her "despite" all her faults - which are many, according to you - but you don't sound as if you like her a great deal.

^^ this

. The constant emphasis on how reasonable you are being. The apparent acceptance of other people's position without budging an inch. The constant finessing of your own position. They are wonderful skills at work. They are bloody destructive in your personal life. Leave them in the office. I am starting to see why your wife drove off. Arguing with a legal type can be like trying to pin jelly to a wall.

^^and this

If you truly do want to make things better, simba, then you will let her dictate when she is happy and ready for her and the baby to meet your parents.

And having read your update , respect shouldn't be your priority either.

As far as I can see , you haven't considered how you can work with your wife to create the best start for your baby while helping your wife recover. You've talked a lot about respect and rights for you and your parents though.

A baby is not a status symbol. It is a living person with needs.

Your wife is not an incubator. She needs to feel supported by her husband. If you are locked in a power struggle against her - especially now, when she most needs support - then you are risking the relationship.

She is allowed to 'dictate' this. You may feel that is unfair and that you should make the decisions together, ideally yes but in actual fact her point of view trumps yours

In normal circumstances a relationship should absolutely be equal

The events surrounding pregnancy and birth are an exception to this

What part of this are you not understanding?

simba Just a few things from your last post struck a chord with me -

You want it to be a joint decision - but you could make the joint decision to leave it a few days and not set anything in stone. It seems like you actually want it to be a joint decision in that she agrees with your choice - her needs do have to come first here.

The other is that you say she doesn't get along with your parents because she doesn't understand their perspective on life... for her, it could be completely different. My OH would probably say that his parents haven't been as involved with my pregnancy as mine have because I "don't understand their perspective" - I'd say it's because his parents, though lovely, have a very "pregnancy is not an illness" outlook and expect everyone around them to just get on with things, whereas I've been quite ill through this pregnancy and it hasn't been possible to 'just get on with it', and I've felt judged for this.

If she was suggesting that you wait three weeks for your parents to meet the baby, I'd probably say she was being unreasonable, but a couple of days is not an unreasonable request - neither is having her mum there from the start, and neither is asking not to set a date but being flexible with it. She and the baby have to come first - above your desire for your baby to meet your parents, and way above your parents desire to meet your baby. The baby won't suffer for going a few days before it meets its grandparents - let's face it, it won't remember. You won't suffer for it, and neither will your parents. But if your partner is made to feel very uncomfortable at such a vulnerable time, she could suffer in the long run.

I can also understand why your wife drove off . It must be very upsetting when you are at your most vulnerable, and your husband can only focus on how quickly he can prise the baby off you in order to demand the respect he thinks he is owed.

Simba, I'd really urge you to listen to what we're saying.

Also, can I ask if you and your wife are from different backgrounds / cultures? Are there cultural issues at play here? Your points of view seem so diverse on this I am just struggling to work out why you're not seeing it.

Maybe you can decide together when your parents meet the baby once your wife is ready? Surely you must understand after reading all the posts here that it is impossible for her to know more when that will be. You don't seem to have changed from your initial position at all. You still want your parents to meet the baby in the hospital by the sounds of it even though loads of people have said that would be too soon for them. I think the plan of taking the baby out of the ward is a bad one - had your wife said she wants to be excluded from these introductions? You seem to think everything should be equal between you immediately after the birth even though you will have gone through very different things. From your description your wife doesn't sound like she is always reasonable but that doesn't excuse you to do the same. Sounds like you will make the whole situation worse.

Simba, does your wife post on Mumsnet? There's something a bit familiar feeling about this scenario.

I hope she does Phyllis - I think she could use the support.

When she has talked to you about why your mum annoys her so much, what has she said?

Wen it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, yes, the woman gets to 'dictate' as you put it. Pregnancy & childbirth aren't equal opportunity events.

OP YANBU, you have just made the fundamental mistake of posting a topic about mother in laws in a forum full of women!

I will have all my in laws and family in after the birth if all goes well, yes I will be tired, yes I will be sore but for DH and I having a baby is all about family and we want to share our joy immediately with ours!

From your post you sound like you are a really supportive husband, just make sure you have help as you will also be sleep deprived and going through a massive change (just not physically) if you need YOUR parents for support make sure you take it, as your mum was the one who comforted you as a child not your MIL!

Littlebear

Do you like your in laws?

Trying to be slightly more helpful, it does sound like the problem is you want everything agreed up front and your wife wants to wait and see and you pushing her to set when it's going to happen is making her try to cover her bases. Only you know if this is what the situation is but surely changing tactic can't hurt.

Yes I have a good relationship with my in laws.

My SIL has a tense relationship with my parents but they were allowed in to visit at first visiting when my niece was born.

Maybe that's just the way things are in my family, we are all very familiar with our in laws, they see us at our worst and at our best,

If, for whatever reason, you got on so badly with your inlaws that you didn't want them staying in your guest room, would you feel the same about them visiting you after birth?

Littlebear I'm glad you are pleased with YOUR decision at what is a very vulnerable time. we should all be so lucky, eh?

Do you get on with your in laws Garthsuncle?

Well, if that's what you want, littlebear, then of course it must be okay for the OP to try to impose a similar set-up on his wife WHO DOESN'T WANT THAT.

That was what I wanted too, & I had family from both sides to visit as soon as they could get there (was the next day, as the birth was in the middle of the night). But how is that even relevant to another woman's feelings about her birth?

And how the fuck is it supportive to bang on about your rights & need for respect - as the OP keeps doing - at a time when you should be thinking about the needs of your soon-to-be-born baby & the woman on whom said baby will still, post-birth, be totally dependent?

And pretty bloody patronising, too, to imply that a "forum of women" can't give sensible opinions because they must all hate their mothers-in-law. FFS!

It seems that there are unresolved issues between your dw and your dps, having a baby is going to make these even bigger I'm afraid. Do you think your dw is unreasonable in her attitude towards your dp?

That is the issue that really needs resolving, unfortunately now is not the time!!! The key is to support her completely through such a dramatic life change for you both.