Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I agree, Caroline (I love Cabin Pressure, btw) - even though there' probably no logical reason to fear any harm will come to the baby, it is a deep, gut reaction, and going against her wishes would cause equally deep and lasting upset and bitterness.

I don't think it is worth risking that sort of damage to the marriage, for the sake of the Op's parents seeing the baby a few days sooner than they would otherwise have done.

Basically, the OP's wife has the right to know that her feelings are important to the OP - more important than his parents' feelings, and actually, at that point, more important than his feelings.

Fair point, Gareths - I missed that bit of your post. My bad.

I never understand why people are so desperate to see the New baby that they cannot wait until the mother is ready for visitors!

When my daughter or my sons partners have a baby I will wait until the New mother is ready for visitors!

STGD - the lemon is in play!

OP I know that it must feel like we're ganging up on you but penguins is right. You could seriously fuck up your life over this. It's so hard to describe, but it feels like you are being ripped apart from the inside when anyone takes your baby away, especially if it's a situation you don't like.

Your wife has had herself clear. Don't let your parents come to the hospital.

@ Caroline!

Going back to the thread - Caroline and penguins are right. Whilst I can absolutely understand why the OP is genuinely excited about introducing the baby to his parents, it is not worth seriously upsetting his wife, so that it happens a few days sooner.

I have read stories on here where, years after the event, a MNer is still hurt and bitter about her feelings being ignored during labour and in the first days and weeks post partum. For example, where the dp has ignored her wishes that he shouldn't tell his parents that she's in labour, and her ILs have turned up at the hospital, barged in moments after the birth, almost grabbed the baby off her, ignored her when she wants the baby back, and generally been nightmares. Or when people have ignored her wishes not to have visitors for (say) a week after the birth, and the house has been full of people wanting her to run around making cups of tea and meals while they hold the baby, even though she's sore, stitched, exhausted, and wants peace and quiet to establish breastfeeding.

Not necessarily all stories where the dh has been the one who ignored the mum's feelings, but the depth of the hurt caused is still the same, and even years on, the memory still rankles, and has spoiled her memories of what should be a lovely time.

OP, I have read most of the thread and just wanted to point out that I didn't tell MY mother to whom I am very close when I was in labour with DD2. MIL knew but only as we needed her to come and take care of DD1.

This isn't about you, or your parents or your needs and rights. And frankly, if you have spent the last 10 years putting your relationship with your parents ahead of the relationship you have with your wife, as you are here, it's no wonder she didn't drive off years ago!

When I was pregnant with DS my MIL was present at the birth of my nephew. It was SIL's 4th child.

MIL started talking in a way that made me feel she expected to be in the delivery room with me too. I told DH quite categorically that this was not going to be the case.

My waters broke a week before my due date, I was induced a couple of days later, which meant I managed to give birth the day before my ILs arrived from Spain

With DD1, I had placenta praevia and had a CS 2.5 weeks before my due date. IL arrived from Spain next day (flights had been booked to allow a couple of weeks before my due date so I didn't catch them out again)

Bet you can't guess what happened with number 3? CS booked for 37 weeks, ILs flights booked, I had an EMCS at 36+1, the day they arrived from Spain.

Simba I have a difficult relationship with my MIL there have been issues in the past (still the occasional drama) fortunately for me, my DH supports and respects me, even when he doesn't fully understand why certain behaviour is upsetting.
Despite our issues I was happy for MIL to visit when our DS was born. Not immediately, not for hours, not a visit that included staying at our house overnight. It was lovely to see DH, his mother and DS all cooing over each other but I would say it was because my DH was supportive of me that I felt comfortable for her to visit at a time when I was so emotional and felt so vulnerable.
It's great that you are thinking of your DP during this time, wonderful that you are so excited but you really must stop jumping the gun and let your DW dictate the pace. As many others have said you risk further damaging the relationship otherwise.

It seems you are so focused on this that you are maybe making it more than it needs to be. Neither you nor your wife can predict how things will go or how she will be feeling (which I get the impression from your OP is the point your DW is trying to make) The only thing you can say for certain is that you will make your DW and her feelings paramount at this time. By doing that she will hopefully feel secure and more relaxed, making the whole situation a lot easier all round.

I am, like others, wondering how it got to this for you all. Could it be perhaps that in the past there have been situations where you have had to 'choose' between your family and your DW? I don't understand what other reason your wife would have for feeling so vulnerable in this case?

If you want more help/advice than you've already been given I think you should maybe let all posters wanting to help know a little more about the issues otherwise it's all guesswork on our part and there isn't much helpful advice or insight to come from guesswork

The minute people start talking about their rights regarding a child, I switch off, I'm afraid. Talking about another human being in terms of your own rights shows that it's all about you and that you're only pretending about giving any regard to anyone else's feelings. You don't have any rights in this scenario, only responsibilities. The child has rights, not you.

Fairphyllis has said exactly what I wanted to say here. I can't begin to imagine how worried & upset I would have been if my DH had been talking in terms of his rights v. my rights in the run-up to the birth of our twins. Bloody hell, it would be upsetting now, years later!

We're a team, partners, both of us working together for the benefit of our children - not individuals vying over whose rights take precedence. After the birth, the wellbeing of the baby trumps everything else, OP - & the wellbeing of baby's mum is vital for that. Pressurising your wife in the early hours / days won't just impact negatively on your relationship with her - possibly forever, as other posters have said - but will NOT be in the interests of your child.

As it happens, I did have visitors, including PIL, when I was still in hospital after giving birth. I was kept in several days with my twins, as I had a post-partum haemorrhage & needed a transfusion; & I welcomed visitors because they a) brought me nice things to eat! & b) were able to help with bathing & changing the babies when I was still really weak. It also meant I had someone to cuddle one baby when I was trying to feed the other one.

It still caused stress & upset that I could have done without when I had MIL at loggerheads with a midwife because she was convinced one of my twins couldn't breathe while feeding. The midwife explained firmly that baby was breathing & feeding perfectly well, but MIL (who hadn't BF her children) wouldn't be told & actually grabbed hold of my breast at one point to "improve" the positioning. I was furious but too weak to protest, & felt bitter for a long time - particularly as this was only the beginning of a pattern of overbearing interference that has damaged my relationship with MIL beyond repair.

So - if the relationship between your wife & mum is already delicate, OP, please, please tread carefully. My husband wasn't in the room when the above happened, & he hadn't pushed me to welcome his parents before I was ready - it was all my daft idea - so his mum's behaviour didn't damage our relationship. But if I had felt unsupported - or worse, pressurised, by DH when at my most vulnerable, I'm not sure how easily I could have forgiven him. Don't dismiss the warnings on this thread, OP - how can your desire to show your child off to your parents be more important than the health & strength of your own marriage & new family?

Why can't your wife cope with your parents ? Why can they not stay at your house ?

Do you feel your wife is being ridiculous about this , or does she have valid reason ?

Are your parents insistent on visiting very soon or are they happy to wait ?

You should have never have let things get this bad between them . I don't think you fully understand the implications of what your wife is saying. If you push it she might just decide to not have you present at the birth after all .

My husband took a similar view to you and only stopped when I threatened to not have him there at all , because despite all the talk about rights he had no right to be present and no right to visit if I didn't want him to .

Pregnancy should be a nice time , your wife will resent you for spoiling it with issues about your parents.

Hang on- putting aside the whole parents business for a moment- are people saying that a father shouldn't have any time on his own with his baby? That he should never take his baby out of sight of the baby's mother? ^Really?????? Bloody hell!

Simba - I've just re-read your last post on my PC and not my phone. You talk about your wife "dragging out" allowing your parents to visit.

That language (along with that of rights, which has already been responded to) is very striking to me. It implies that you think that when is reasonable is something that you get to decide. Because if you didn't, it would be a question of 'what do we do if we disagree on when'. You are saying that your own judgement on when it is time trumps your wife's view of when it is time. Your assumption is that your own assessment is rational and reasonable and your wife's, if she disagrees with you, is unreasonable, 'dragging out'. I can see why, if presented with the view that disagreement with you is unreasonable, your wife would put her foot down and actually be likely to feel she wants to wait longer, rather than allow them to come sooner.

You need to stop thinking like this. I have had a rocky relationship with my IL's in the past. It culminated in a bit of a show down when I was pregnant with DD1. What made a massive difference is that DH made it very clear to MIL that we were his priority. Me and the baby. We were, and always would be, no. 1 on this list. Once this had been made very firmly clear to my MIL, we could actually build a much better relationship, because she knew that there was no point putting pressure on us, complaining about our parenting choices, etc.

I don't know from what you have said so far how much of this is coming from you and your dutiful son/wonderful grandchild moment fantasies and how much is maybe pressure, direct or indirect, from them. Either way, if you don't put your own family first, the tensions are likely to only get worse as time goes on.

Martorana - Well, for my part, no that absolutely isn't what I'm saying But there is a world of difference between a father taking the baby out for walk/downstairs so the mother can nap, etc, etc, in the first few days and someone saying "If you don't let my parents visit as soon as doctors say it is medically viable I will take the baby away from you to visit them." One is helpful and loving, the other feels like a threat which is pretty likely to result in the father being thrown off the ward himself.

I get on great with my IL's and my own parents too, but straight after birth is no time for anyone to be foisting themselves on you.

Your wife will be bleeding like a stuck pig, she'll be crying in patches, she'll be overwhelmed. Childbirth is a mega ordeal. She has to be priority here, why on earth should any body else be?

Give her a chance to collect herself. Everything will be fine if you let the woman catch her breath before the next 'round'

"someone saying "If you don't let my parents visit as soon as doctors say it is medically viable I will take the baby away from you to visit them." One is helpful and loving, the other feels like a threat which is pretty likely to result in the father being thrown off the ward himself."

But that's not what the poor sod is saying! He hasn't ever said anything like that. He just wants to introduce his baby to his parents.

Yes, he has said that. In his last update:

"My first thoughts were that if my wife didn't want to see my parents when she was as well as the situation presents itself, then I would take the baby to a visiting room while she was sleeping which she would have been informed about and consented too, to a suitable area to meet my parents. I now dont think this is a good idea as mum baby and me all equally important and this could make my wife feel alienated. But...if she tries to drag out the time this could be done (and to me this would be anytime after the doctors who I respect as being independent) confirmed they were happy for her to have visitors, then I would expect my right as a dad to allow me to show my son or daughter to my parents, if just very very briefly. "

If his wife doesn't agree to his parents being there straight away after the doctors ok visitors, he will consider his 'dragging it out' and it would be his 'right' to take the baby out to meet his parents.

He does, but he doesn't want to give his wife a chance to catch her breath and sit up for the occassion. It's not about the man and the elderly couple, painfree, refreshed and stitchless, it's about the woman who has been through a bit of an ordeal.

Op seems to think if he gives his wife an inch - even in these not-everyday circs - she'll take a mile. Which is a bit harsh, on the day your firstborn comes into the world

mum baby and me all equally important

No, not really until after the post natal period. Then, yes.

Martorana
I am talking about the immediate post partum period - the woman would just have given birth and he wants to prance off with the baby to the visiting room (???) .

Just a thought, Simba. Perhaps, as with the birth stories, you are under the misapprehension that newborns are good to go as independent individuals as soon as they are born.

IMO a newborn is still totally dependent on its mother - for food if bfing, and for comfort. Her smell, the sound of her heartbeat and the sound of her voice are all that it knows. To all extents and purposes a newborn in the first weeks of its life is essentially inseparable from the mother and she will have a very strong bond with it - stronger than yours will be at that point. Your wife will have an overpowering instinct to protect the baby and if you start passing the baby around before she is comfortable with that, she will be very upset, and, judging by many threads on here, will remember and resent it for a very long time.

As far as I can see all your wife is asking for is to let her dictate the pace of visitors in the days after the birth. This really isn't unreasonable of her, and you shouldn't try to manipulate your way round it by harassing her about it now or by trying to use the medical staff at the hospital to wheedle her into seeing people she doesn't want.

I'm actually wondering whether the priority here is your relationship with your wife, her happiness and comfort, or getting your own way on this.

Martorana - we are talking about the highly-charged, exhausted, sore, hormonal first few hours and days after giving birth. If a new mum doesn't want her baby out of her sight at that point, I don't think that is either very unusual or unreasonable.

I don't think it would be a good thing, or normal, if that situation went on for months or years - my dses were formula fed, so dh was able to take them out when they were quite small, leaving me at home - and of course I trusted him to do this - I thought it was a good thing for them and for me. But when they were tiny newborns, I wanted them with me as much as possible.

And I also think that the fact that he wants to take this newborn baby away from its mum, to spend time with people she really doesn't get on with, is pretty important. I am guessing it would feel very different (worse) than him, say, taking the baby for a walk round the block in the buggy whilst she has a bath at home.

In this instance, given what the OP said, that Penguins quoted a few posts back! it doesn't sound as if the OP would be respecting his wife's wishes. If she feels he isn't respecting her wishes on that matter, that is a breach of trust - and that makes it that much harder for her to trust him out of her sight with the baby. She's going to want him to bring the baby back at once if the baby gets upset - but there will be that doubt in her mind - he's breached her trust over bringing his parents to the hospital - who's to say he will do as she asks and bring the baby back when it needs her?

IMO a newborn is still totally dependent on its mother - for food if bfing, and for comfort. Her smell, the sound of her heartbeat and the sound of her voice are all that it knows. To all extents and purposes a newborn in the first weeks of its life is essentially inseparable from the mother completely agree with this and as such the baby and mothers 'rights' should come before the fathers and grandparents in the first couple of days.

I thought I had made it clear in my previous posts, but just for clarity:

I am not wishing to take the baby away from my wife

I only want to spend 5 or so minutes with my wife and parents whenever reasonable

I want this to be a joint decision as to when it is, not just when she dictates which she has indicated as mentioned in my original post

I feel I have taken on board the overwhelming advice about just how much more the birth is physically and emotionally draining than I had previously understood and I have backed off my requests to my wife. My parents dont know anything about this animosity regarding this situation and nor have they asked or spoken to me about what they will.do when the time comes...but I know then well enough to know they wouldn't want to misa out seeing the baby of the chance presented itself.

As for the reasons for the poor relations? It is simply a case of my wife not being able to understand their perspective on life, and this goes not just for my parents but anyone else in life who doesnt share her view. She can cope just about with my dad, but not my mum....or any other female friends in my life!

But that is just her personality. I hoped the many milestones in our relationship would change things but it hasnt. I love her so much despite of this, and even though I have done everything I can to support her family (even representing her mum at an employment tribunal) to show her I respect her family because they are so important to her, I hoped that she would try to respect them even if she doesnt like them.

Respect for them shows respect for me. Its not much to ask surely. And when it only involves us its only me who has to deal with her attitude. But now we have a baby on the way I am not prepared to be treated with such disrespect and blackmail.

I hope I am coming across as a man who only wants things to be better with his wife and to be the best dad and husband I can be...even if I need pointing in the right direction!!

What sort of perspective Op?