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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

999 replies

simba86 · 11/03/2014 20:25

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

OP posts:
Tiredtrout · 15/03/2014 13:26

Because all you've donated to your child's creation is a couple of minutes pleasure and a drop of sperm! You are clearly still not listening. If your wife struggles that much with your parents, you still haven't said why by the way, you will destroy your relationship behaving in this way

Tiredtrout · 15/03/2014 13:27

Also it is the child that has rights not the parent

FairPhyllis · 15/03/2014 13:38

Oh. Dear. God. You are still fixated on having your Lion King moment in spite of anything else, aren't you? I am beginning to understand why your wife drove off.

Your scenario of ushering in your parents as soon as the doctors say they are happy for your wife to have visitors ain't gonna work. Your wife is the patient in this scenario. They will not allow anyone into the ward if she doesn't want them there (and she can ask for anyone, including you, to be kept out).

The minute people start talking about their rights regarding a child, I switch off, I'm afraid. Talking about another human being in terms of your own rights shows that it's all about you and that you're only pretending about giving any regard to anyone else's feelings. You don't have any rights in this scenario, only responsibilities. The child has rights, not you.

All your wife has asked for is that you hold off until she is ready - maybe a few hours, maybe a few days. What would be so disastrous about your parents not seeing the child immediately after birth?

fuzzywuzzy · 15/03/2014 13:42

Will your wifes mother be staying over and expecting to be waited on hand and foot or will she be cooking, cleaning, making your wife's life as easy as possible post birth?

I had my mum stay for a week after giving birth to my first she kept the house immaculate and catered for the visitors who dropped by and ensured I was eating wholesome home cooked meals in between struggling to learn to bf whilst being unable to sit up because of the stitches, I was either bf or eating myself and trying to sleep or takin salt baths to ease the pain of stitches.

Not the same as having a visitor there who was expecting to cuddle and coo over the baby whilst I took care of her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 13:44

I'm sorry, but I think it is disgusting to reduce fatherhood, and the role of an expectant father to, "Because all you've donated to your child's creation is a couple of minutes pleasure and a drop of sperm!"' Tiredtrout!

Tiredtrout · 15/03/2014 13:51

In the context of how simba is talking about his wife as an inconvenient incubator I think it's fair sdtg but we can just agree to differ

TeamWill · 15/03/2014 13:51

OMG !!! Do not take the baby away from his/ her mother - it would be highly inappropriate and I doubt the hospital would let you do it anyway.

Ubik1 · 15/03/2014 13:55

I think, op, you need to reassure your wife that your parents will visit in visiting hours and not stay too long. And you need to reiterate this to them.

The child has a right to a relationship with its grandparents, it's a relationship that is really important fir the whole family.

You need to reassure your parents that they will see baby, have relationship but that will be much easier and more fruitful after those tricky first months. Babies are much more fun and responsive when slightly older and really is no rush while they are newborn.

Ubik1 · 15/03/2014 13:57

I think some of you are being extremely unfair.

HauntedNoddyCar · 15/03/2014 14:01

Well whatever the situation and rights and wrongs of the relationship between your parents and wife, the absolute worst time to push them towards each other would be immediately after the birth! It will not improve matters.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 14:02

Where has he called her an inconvenient incubator? I'm not seeing that (actually or implied) in his posts. I am seeing a man who is trying to understand - who is not always getting it right - but who has asked for advice and listened, so far.

I think he is still being a bit wrong-headed - the bit about involving the doctors to decide when his wife and baby are fit for a visit is telling me he hasn't heard all we have said to him - if I were her, I would be very cross about the idea of him getting the doctors to decide when she should feel ready for a visit!

Also, as I've said earlier, I can understand why she might not feel happy about the idea of the baby being taken away from her to meet the ILs - I am sure the OP could be trusted with the baby and wouldn't do anything to hurt him/her, but I think it would be very hurtful and side-lining for the OP's wife, and I honestly don't think it would be worth the upset it would cause.

I can also understand why the OP is so excited about introducing his parents to the baby - it's a wonderful moment, and very special (and the fact he is so passionate about it makes him more than just a sperm donor, in my book). BUT, I would tell him that it will be just as special even if he has to wait for a few days. I can say this from experience - my pfb didn't meet my parents for months, and it was still a lovely moment.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 14:04

I would also advise him to look at the big picture - in the long term, the relationships within the family are going to be better if he respects his wife's wishes at this point, than if he rides roughshod over them, and causes hurt that could well lead to resentment later on, that would colour the relationships.

Koothrapanties · 15/03/2014 14:11

This really isn't the time to put your needs first. Seriously you could majorly fuck up everything if you don't listen to what your wife needs right now. I can't add anything else as all the previous posters have said it all already, please listen to them!! If you don't, you may push your wife into post natal depression and ruin the whole experience of giving birth and early motherhood for her. Don't be selfish.

AuntieMaggie · 15/03/2014 14:13

my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth.

Essentially all your wife is saying is that she may not be up to see your parents for a while after the birth - I don't think that is unreasonable - all she is trying to do is prepare you/your parents for the fact that she and baby may not be up to seeing your parents for a while after the birth and there is no way of predicting how long that may be. She's not saying she never wants them to visit. You trying to force her into a decision about what will happen when she doesn't know herself is completely unreasonable.

FGS just let her decide when she is ready for your parents to visit (which is likely to be earlier if you don't push the issue and pressure her) and don't try to take the baby away from her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 14:19

Koothrapanties - yes - that is exactly what I was trying to say, but so much better put!

5madthings · 15/03/2014 14:54

You don't have rights, you have responsibility and you certainly don't have equal rights from conception! Whilst a woman is pregnant it is still her body to do what she wishes.

If your wife doesn't want visitors then you have to respect that. The hospital won't allow anyone to visit if shessays no.

Re a visiting room, do you mean at the hospital? As most don't have one anymore and they won't let you take the baby off the ward.

Re your wife not wanting your patents at your house, you need to find out what the issues are and work on rebuilding relationship between your wife and parents.

You've not Said why your wife doesn't get on with your parents? Sort this out!! Maybe your wife is being unreasonable and your patents are perfect and lovely, maybe there is fault on both sides? Whatever the issues they need working on. Ask your wife what would help her get on better with them?

Anyway good luck.

HermioneWeasley · 15/03/2014 15:09

OP, I think you're being very brave!

I am troubled by the fact your wife has form for driving off when you argue - not a constructive way to resolve differences.

She also isn't taking your feelings or wishes into account at all. As far as I can work out, you are wanting your parents to see your baby sometime in the first week of its life - not unreasonable at all.

You haven't said why she and your parents have fallen out so much that they aren't allowed to stay in your house. I suspect that may be material.

Inertia · 15/03/2014 15:12

OFFS. How many times?

It is not about you and your rights!

Your wife is the patient in this scenario. She has rights relating to her medical care.

Your baby, once born, will also have rights. And this is the way it continues throughout his or her childhood. The child has rights to relationships with its parents, and if appropriate wider family.

The parents have responsibilities.

Are you sure you're ready to be either a husband or a father? You seem to have no concern whatsoever about the health and wellbeing of your wife and child- you're only bothered about getting equal shares of your new toy.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 15:23

Why can't it be an expectant parent's understandable excitement at introducing their baby to their parents? Why does it have to be framed as something negative just because the OP is male?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 15/03/2014 15:26

Of course parents don't have equal rights to the baby from conception. How on earth would that work? The pregnancy, birth and immediate time afterwards are about your wife. If she didnt want you there you wouldn't even be allowed into the hospital to see your baby so what makes you think anyone will override her wishes when it comes to other visitors?

My DH is an amazing father, he is the main fulltime carer to all of our dc, in the event of us splitting up the children would stay with him. I have no issues whatsoever with men being equal parents. But they are not equal during pregnancy and birth for (hopefully) obvious biological reasons

Are you really willing to risk a lifetime of negative consequences for the sake of supporting the mother of your child and waiting a few short days

GarthsUncle · 15/03/2014 15:33

There will be no medical reason why your wife can't have visitors immediately after a "normal" birth, so asking the doctors won't help.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 15:36

Well - if (heaven forbid) something went seriously wrong - post partum haemorrhage, maybe, she might not be medically fit to have visitors. But your basic point is right - the doctors aren't going to get involved

CarolineKnappShappey · 15/03/2014 15:37

I can tell you categorically that your DW will be in lioness mode if you try and take her baby out if her sight to show to your parents.

It's not a pride thing. It's a deep hormonal urge. She has had this child inside her for 9 months, you taking it away to she shown off to people she can't stand will have her gibbering with rage.

And heaven help you if your newborn comes back smelling of your mother's perfume....

GarthsUncle · 15/03/2014 15:41

I would have put serious PPH as outside of Normal - but yes, my point was the doctors would not have much to add.

PenguinsEatSpinach · 15/03/2014 15:43

Being medically stable enough for a doctor to say that you can have visitors is not the same as being physically or emotionally up to having visitors. If you go with "Well the doctors say it is ok so either let them in or I am taking the baby out" you are likely to majorly negatively impact her already difficult relationship with them and may even damage your own relationship with your wife at such a precious time. Why do that, when waiting maybe a day or two might make it a precious and more positive moment for everyone?

And as others have said, most likely your plan isn't even possible as these wards don't have visitors rooms and you will not be permitted to remove the baby from the ward. Quite frankly, if you were my husband and were saying that even 12 or 24 hours was an unreasonable wait, I would have serious thoughts about throwing you out too (which she can do).

Can I ask a question? Why does speed of introduction matter to you so much that you would risk so much? You have never explained why it is worth such a massive gamble and potentially years of resentment when it is likely to all come good if you just wait a day or two. Can you help ua understand why timing is soooooooo vital?