Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Baby blues are a recognized condition. The fact that women are extremely hormonal and teary immediately after giving birth is not a source of humiliation for women. It's a simple fact.

Men are also hormonal at different times. Never heard of morning wood? Why is it only a source of shame for women? Humans suffer emotional stress from hormones and physical pain. I think women are pretty much fucking hard as nails considering what we do to get a child. If you have a little cry and a bit of wobble immediately after while feeling totally shit that seems a pretty fucking reasonable response.

And no, I don't think the visit will last 5 minutes. However, I do think that the baby can be brought downstairs to meet it's family for a short time then taken back. And the father can talk to his parents- he may want to tell the story of the birth, they can help with a bit of cleaning and cooking....then maybe see the baby again......

I can tell you for a fact that newborn don't give a fuck about their other relations.

Martorana - I assume you are 100% rational, 100% of the time. No? So why should someone who is sore, knackered and hormonal have to be utterly rational?

DO you not think it's strange that their are about 4 people who agree with you on a thread this long?

I agree. But their other relations give a fuck about them. As I said, they are not possessions to be hoarded. Or withheld as a power play.

he may want to tell the story of the birth

And dw might want to be in the room to decide how much the story of the birth is given to the parents. Dh while lovely told the neighbors that I gave birth on the toilet. Something I wold have prefered to keep to myself thanks very much. But I suppose it;s just ds' "story" nothing to do with me.

No. Because Mumsnet is absolutely fucking insane on the subject of mothers in law.

At hospital they won't allow the baby to be taken off the ward anyway so if in-laws come to hospital her dh can't take baby to see them.

The first few days with each of my newborns I did hold/feed them almost constantly. They are just so new and tiny, dp would cuddle them, change nappies etc. But I wanted them near me.

I had visitors at hospital with ds1 and ds2. Ds2 it was fine I invited mil and it was all good.

With ds1 mil turned up with other relatives, an aunt and uncle who I barely knew. Not mils fault they insisted and it was awful after a three day Labour, I was 20 and trying to bfeed and could barely walk etc. A midwife noticed I wasn't comfortable and told them they should let me rest!!! But they took dp with them, so they could all go sightseeing and out for dinner. Leaving me practically bedridden in my own.

Ds3 we asked people to wait, Xmas time anyway and awkward for visitors, I was discharged a few hrs after birth and my dad saw baby briefly as he had been looking after other kids.

Ds4 again we asked for a few days Grace as ds4 had to be monitored after birth due to breathing issues and we wanted to get settled. Ditto Dd tho my mum came and saw her at hospital as she had Bern looking after the other four and the hospital was on her way home!

For me the difference was each time my parents ASKED what I would prefer and despite a two hour drive they kept the visits short and sweet and were helpful.

My mil insists on staying for a few days even tho journey is similar or less. She has got more relaxed at helping out as before she wouldn't but she can be a bit fussy and overbearing. Means well tho :)

Some other relatives insisted on bring their dog...I am allergic to dogs!then stayed all day and late into the eve and expected entertained etc. After ds1 and ds2 we were a bit older and wiser and didn't let them do this with the next three.

But what I fail to understand is why relatives are so desperate to see the baby that they would put that above a new mother who may well be tired, sore, emotional and not up to visitors. Why not just wait a few days?

If my sons have children I will make sure dil knows I wouldn't dream of encroaching and would visit when she was happy and I would make her tea and cake and provide help however she wants.

Meh I give up. Hopefully the OP realises that you are talking rubbish and one of the only people who agrees with him.. Because whether you think his wife is being precious or not.. he will cause a rift in his relationship with his wife for the sake of his MIL having immediate access to her grandchild, and is it really worth ti?

My mum in law was firmly told throughout my pregnancy that she was permitted to be at the hospital and would be told when ds was born however she would not be in the delivery room until at least I was well rested and feeling up to it.

Unfortunately she wasn't there for the birth but arrived about 6 hours later and met her grandson about 12 hours after his birth when I felt up to it

Oh veggy dp and I had a huge row when ds1 newborn as he told his family about birth including graphic details of the noise the episiotomy scissors made! I was bloody furious with him! He just didn't think, he had found it shocking and so related that but God I was cross!

Good to know it isn't only mine then 5mad! I was talking to the neighbors and said something about barely getting to hospital to have the baby and the husband pipes up with "I thought you had it on the toilet?"!

If looks could kill dh would have melted on the spot, I might have to LTB

Why does anyone but you need to be in the hospital?

It's weird. Everyone I know just called/texted/fb after. I don't get it. Why's dear mum got to be there in person?!? Crackers.

I'd have refused anyone that wasn't my dh to visit inside first 8 wks. I accepted both parents after a few days in reality. Seriously. You do not want this meddled with in any way. It's your time. Everyone can bloody wait.

Hang on, I thought the argument was about them turning up at hospital and the op taking the baby of the ward or whatever.
I don't see the issue with the dw staying in her bed whilst op takes the baby downstairs. Would give her a break, chance to shower, eat or sleep. But I would expect the baby to be brought back straight away if it needed feeding, and before it got to the screaming part too.

Meh, I can't be arsed.

If you're real still around OP, good luck to you both.

veggy I 'may' have been so cross I moved mine and babies stuff into the spare room... And I did mention leaving.. I think it was day three,just discharged from hospital and having dealt with trauma of visitors one of whom started asking about the 'snippy sscissors' I was like wtf... This was someone I hardly knew!! So yes massive row.

Oddly enough he let me do the talking about the next four births!

Imagine if he told them you'd shat yourself though

Martorana I'm with you we're obviously in the minority but at the end of the day the op asked for our opinions which is what we have given. I think the issue with the thread is that everyone is trying to force others to agree with their opinion. I'm happy to agree to disagree on the subject rather than go on for page after page trying to convince others.

OP

I love my DSis more than anyone in the world apart from DH and DCs.

I had a good first birth - bit of gas and air, less than a day in labour, forceps and episiotomy. DD took to breast feeding immediately and I didn't find it painful.

DSis was on her way to see us the day after in hospital and I told DH to call her and say not to come because I couldn't take it, I was exhausted.

You just don't know how it will go and it has to be played by ear.

I love how martorana is so convinced that relatives will
a) pop in for 5 minutes
b) allow the new mother to rest in bed whilst they visit.

Yeah Right. Maybe if they did there'd be a whole lot less angst.

If your parents insist on a visit before your wife is ready it will damage their relationship forever. I had my MIL on the phone wanting me to entertain the entire clan of ILs (7 people) before I even got to leave the hospital (I was in a week because of all the complications). She was so inconsiderate of my feelings after a hospital stay I still feel angry 6 years later and I avoid contact as much as possible.

But, ignoring all that, a week after DD1 was born my wonderful brother who I love and is the easiest visitor in the world came to see us for the day. My Mum was already with us and running the house for me (doing all cooking, cleaning etc) and helping me establish BFing. But the night before DB came I was in tears, i didn't know how I would cope with entertaining him (I had nothing to do, my Mum was doing everything). And that was someone I love dearly. YOU, as a father, have to understand that although this is a wonderful exciting thing that is happening to you, it is also an exhausting, emotional rollercoaster for your wife. Never mind the physical aspects, emotionally it is like being hit by a bus. Don't assume it's going to be like the movies, becoming a parent is one of the hardest things you'll ever do and you need to be working with your wife. You are forming your own family now and while you obviously still love your own parents and they have a role to play they are not your priority any more.

I had a beautiful hypnobirthing home waterbirth. 7.5 hours. I was supported by my DH and my mum and some lovely community midwives. DS latched on perfectly for a feed while I was waiting to deliver the placenta, and after a lovely bath I was tucked up in my own bed with DS.

I get on fine with MIL. No fucking way would I have wanted DH to have been spending that time on the phone telling people I was in labour, or having them ringing up to check how it was going. Or showing up for a visit later that day. It would have completely ruined the peaceful private space we created which I believe had such an impact on the birth itself.

I was very fortunate in that my PIL totally got that. MIL came for a visit 10 days later, by which time I was beginning to feel myself again and looking forward to introducing her to DS. We had a lovely time together.

Just to warn you OP, day 3 was particularly shit for me. My milk came in, which gave me a temperature and I felt like I had flu. I hadn't yet settled into the waking up to feed every hour newborn routine so I was cross eyed with tiredness. I was hit with a wave of hormones and the reality of 'oh my god, we've got a baby, what the hell were we thinking, how the hell are we ever going to cope', leading to a massive whitey and me sobbing uncontrollably, hiding under the duvet while my mum stroked my hair, and DH comforted DS. I was right as rain the next day. I'm told that's not uncommon.

Martorana - can I ask have you given birth yourself? We have all heard and understand your point of view, it's just the majority dont agree.

We are not talking about a bag we are talking about a small person who has emerged from the comfort and safety of the womb - taking it off to be handed to other people (when it probably just wants to snuggle up to mum) needs to be played by ear. Its not about power or rights at all and only a very insensitive person would choose to see it that way.

It may be his wife will want to show off her baby, but what is currently apparent is that she doesnt know when if she drives off after arguments in general then she is obviously highly strung at the best of times (I would try to encourage her to grow out of this if you can. .my mum was like this and it's wearing)

The op sounds like a nice man and is obviously excited as it sounds like he and his parents thought he wouldn't have children.

Simba you have definately had graphic accounts of labour and it's aftermath but these are by no means the "horror stories" I had two short, almost textbook births (barring the sky high blood pressure) and suffered the majority of the indignities outlined in this thread.

Everyone knew I was in labour (induced) but what the hell is the point in waiting about in the hospital getting in everyone's way - that whole idea seems a bit weird and self obsessed to me. My family gave me the dignity of privacy and I am grateful for it.

If asked in advance when they could visit I too would have been stressed, if all goes well once the baby is born you cant wait to show off how clever you are at having given birth to the most beautiful baby ever

Yes I have.

And I loved the fact that my Dp loved our baby as much as I did. I trusted him, and wouldn't have dreamed of refusing to let him cuddle the baby and wander around with him/her and even take him/her out of my sight. And even if I had found it difficult to let him do that, I would have known that I needed to let him- because I do not own a baby just because I gave birth to it And fathers are not "second string" parents.

Firstly I would like to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post a reply to me. I am overwhelmed by the responses and appreciate equally those who support or slate me....I wanted a discussion about my situation and to understand better what my wife will be going through. I also wish to apologise for delay in my response, but in essence my response isn't important as I want to listen rather than rant!

There are alot of topics that have been covered so bare with me...

I am beginning to understand that I am wearing tinted glasses and my understanding of just how painful and bloody the birth will be, even though I thought I was reasonably well informed about it. I am beginning to realise why one born every minute choose to stop filming shortly after the birth and decide to finish the show with calming happy music with a nice short summary of the babys name and weight rather than on the mother trying to stumble to the shower leaking blood!

And although I have only been to one nct signature antenatal class so far which started with us dads being shown a detailed image of a pregnant woman's insides with post it notes to "guess the body part" (proudly...we labelled the baby correctly!) I feel first time parents are not presented the whole truth and nothing but the truth, partly to protect and not scare us....which from the sounds of some of your experiences can make the first time you have to deal with it perhaps scarier than it needed to be having not been informed about it previously.

In defence of my "horror stories" comment....as someone who has no experience of anything like this before, never changed a nappy or baby sat, no brothers or sisters or close family with children, and only educated about birth by people who dont want to scare you into not having kids I feel like an alien. I didn't think I was an alien. But now I realise I am. Or was...until reading your comments. And imagine describing the reality of childbirth to an alien! They would get back in their ship and fly away. And whilst I dont have that choice (to be very very clear, nor would I want that choice) I am glad I have chosen this platform to lose my tinted glasses and feel more confident I will be less shocked myself at the birth whatever happens which will hopefully mean I can support my wife before during and after this time in a better manner.

Going back to the original question, which I have already said I have taken the majority of your advice on, I will be more understanding of my wifes wishes when it comes to my parents with respect to when they visit in the context of her post birth recovery how ever long that may take.

My first thoughts were that if my wife didn't want to see my parents when she was as well as the situation presents itself, then I would take the baby to a visiting room while she was sleeping which she would have been informed about and consented too, to a suitable area to meet my parents. I now dont think this is a good idea as mum baby and me all equally important and this could make my wife feel alienated. But...if she tries to drag out the time this could be done (and to me this would be anytime after the doctors who I respect as being independent) confirmed they were happy for her to have visitors, then I would expect my right as a dad to allow me to show my son or daughter to my parents, if just very very briefly.

You may be angry at this point but please take into consideration this. My parents have never been allowed to stay in our guest room when visiting. They have to stay at a nearby hotel. They are never allowed to stay in our company for the majority of a day as my wife cant cope with them. They will certainly not be hanging around our house or staying after we return home and are likely to see the baby for a couple of days when they visit every couple of months.

Her mum, will of course, be allowed to stay with us for as long as my wife wishes. Not something I ever challenge as I always want her to be happy, and if that does it so be it. But as someone who is forever being reminded her being pregnant because I put it there...surely I should also be allowed time with my parents without worry.

Clearly taking aside any situation where consent was not involved, the decision to make a make a baby is equal between both parents. The growing of the baby is something men are ultimately helpless to most degrees in, and whilst I am utterly convinced 99% of men are at least secretly thankful they do not have to take the responsibility and physical changes of growing the baby, it does not stop us from wishing we could at least share some your burden and not feel that motion of dispear at being so helpless when watching our most loved go through something more scarey painful and intense than ever felt before. Yes it is nothing compared to what you are going through but compare it to watching a loved one in pain. Not being able to do anything to help significantly is not your fault...but that doesn't mean you are emotionless.

Child rights are equal from conception. However a fathers access to these rights need to be maintained by enauring they support the mother every step of the way, any way they can. My focus will be on caring for my wife has and always will be first and foremost.

As long as I do that should my rights and wishes not be equal to hers? What more could I be reasonably expected to do for something we chose to do together?