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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

999 replies

simba86 · 11/03/2014 20:25

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

OP posts:
EyelinerQueen · 14/03/2014 18:16

That was (obviously) a general statement rather than being specific to visiting the new baby Martorana.

Fwiw my MIL met our DD on the same day my parents did.

You can stop frothing Hmm

sittingatmydesk · 14/03/2014 18:18

Oh for goodness sake - it depends on the individual! If you feel well, are on a high after childbirth etc, and want visitors, then great.

If you are nervous, scared of the labour and childbirth, and already have a tricky relationship with your inlaws, then you probably won't.

In this case, the OP's wife doesn't want visitors straight after birth, so there's your answer. She may feel different afterwards, but she's not BU to lay a few rules down now.

sittingatmydesk · 14/03/2014 18:22

(I had a herd of visitors in hospital. All meant well, but I was so out of it on morphine that I couldn't actually speak - all I wanted to do was to hide under the covers and sob about how much it hurt. This was two days later. You cannot judge anyone else by your own experience in this case)

Ubik1 · 14/03/2014 18:23

She is giving birth in a hospital. There is no visiting straight after birth Confused and in our hospital visiting hours were 6-8pm, fathers left the ward at 9pm.

Finickynotfussy · 14/03/2014 18:29

Hi OP - I was somewhat in your DW's situation and my DPs had my DPIL to stay and brought them over for a couple of brief visits (they all get on fortunately). It really took the stress out of it for me, as my DM is sensible and took control of the situation, plus DMIL's massive enthusiasm re new babies was somewhat contained. The DC has actually really eased the relationship - do hope this happens for you.

BeeInYourBonnet · 14/03/2014 18:29

I'm quite worried about the hospitals mentioned on this thread. I had severe blood loss after DC2, but even then I wasn't lying around in blood stained sheets after a few hours post-birth. It was all cleaned up, big pads worn with giant pants!, lying on a protective pad under regularly changed top sheets. Really, there was nothing 'horrific' for my visitors to see.

Foodylicious · 14/03/2014 18:29

Was just making the point of it being a private & intimate time for some, this is obviously how the Op's wife feels. Not meaning to be weird! Wink

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 14/03/2014 18:38

Flowers, cards, chocolates, gifts and germs, coughs, virtual strangers and an expectancy of tea and cakes being served wasn't high on my list funnily enough no, I just wanted sleep, cuddles and peace/recovery time

lottiegarbanzo · 14/03/2014 18:41

If it's at all reassuring OP, a lot of the 'normal birth' stuff reported here, that seems horrific and unimaginable beforehand, doesn't seem to matter at all afterwards. Having an actual baby puts in some kind of perspective.

sittingatmydesk · 14/03/2014 18:42

Bee - the postnatel care was horrific with my first. I was literally lying in bloodstained sheets for three days. They messed up a canula (is that the right word?), blood everywhere, and no one could give me clean sheets. No one bathed the baby, or told me where to get meals etc. It was awful.Sad

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 14/03/2014 18:44

And the food is almost always dire in hospitals, not a chance I would be relishing the prospect of that as a treat, well, not unless I had v low standards!

GingerMaman · 14/03/2014 18:51

I agree about preferring visits to hospital than home, but for myself, by day 5 In hospital I was so so exhausted due to lack if sleep, completely out of it, that I put my foot down and told DH 'no more visitors today!'. Why are people so so eager to see the baby so soon? The baby is not going anywhere!!!

GingerMaman · 14/03/2014 18:53

Maratona,

The problem isn't the 5 mins taking baby away from mother. If it was just actually 5 mins, then yes fine, but it never is! The DP will spend one hour arranging the visit, then one hour directing them to the ward etc etc. then once you allow the MiL in, then SiL etc want to come too!

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe · 14/03/2014 19:05

To those who said "you've probably scared all the mums-to-be" - bollocks.

I'm 7 weeks away from giving birth, and it's an unplanned pregnancy so I can't even console myself with "I've wanted this my whole life", I've read this entire thread and breathed a sigh of relief and said "thank fuck for that"!!

In fact I'll also be getting my OH to read it so he's prepared too. The important thing is that people have had these horrific, 'horror-story' births - and survived. They're here to post about it. And if others survive that kind of thing, and if many many more have fairly uncomplicated births as far as birthing goes, I feel a lot better about childbirth than I did before reading the thread!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2014 19:11

Some in-laws are 'overly involved', martorana - I have seen plenty of horror stories on here about ILs (and parents, and other visitors - being demanding and insensitive is not restricted to ILs) who vastly overstay their welcome, grab the new baby from a mum who is trying to establish breastfeeding, insist on waking the baby for cuddles, when get exhausted mother has just got the baby off to sleep, and who generally overstep the bounds and overstay their welcome.

I've seen stories about visitors who expect the knackered, sore new mum to wait in them hand and foot, whilst they show off the baby to friends of theirs, who they've invited to their son and dil's house without asking.

Not all visitors are like this - many are like my ILs - wonderful people who are a pleasure to see, even a mere 4 hours after the end of a 37.75 hour labour that culminated in an episiotomy. People who will do the ironing or cook a meal for you, whilst you rest with the baby. People who help you.

If the OP's wife has cause to believe that her ILs are going to be the unwelcome visitors, and the visit will just be horribly stressful, then I don't blame her for wanting to feel a bit stronger before they visit.

And even though I always have been a reasonably relaxed mum, not overly pfb, I wouldn't have been happy about having to exile myself to my bedroom, whilst everyone was downstairs with the baby. Not when I was in that exhausted, emotional, not-entirely-rational (understandably) state that often characterises those first few days post partum.

Ubik1 · 14/03/2014 19:17

Also newborns sleep all the time

Except at night. It can get a bit dull.

I think I must be exceptionally materialistic and insensitive though.

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2014 19:33

So your wife doesn't want to set it in stone now, three months before she gives birth, precisely the number of hours post-partum after which her PILs, about whom she is ambivalent, come to visit? She could not be less unreasonable, frankly, and if you have been pushing her to do so, no matter how gently, then you should be ashamed of yourself.

I absolutely love my MIL and couldn't wait to introduce my son to her. She came the day after we brought DS home from hospital, sent DH up to double-check I was ready to see her, then came up with a mug of tea for each of us, and sat on a chair and chatted to me while I sprawled on the bed breastfeeding. You can see how that might have been awkward if we weren't close...

Breadkneadslove · 14/03/2014 19:45

simba I don't think YABU, I think you have been clear in what you hope to happen, you want to introduce your child to your parents when your wife is well enough. The current unknown is when that moment will be and that may not be known until after the birth.

In the meantime you just need to reassure your wife that her best interests and welfare are top priority. Between you, you can decide on the clear message you will give to your parents of what will happen e.g there will / won't be a phone re. going in to labour, you will call them after the safe delivery of your new baby and you will keep them informed of when would be an appropriate time to visit, this may have to be changed depending on how mum and baby are doing.

FWIW here is brief synopsis of our birth... Labour started very early in morning, first call was made to my brother as he was on dog duty, labored at home until lunch then went into hospital, DD was born, problem free, with supportive DH present 2.5 hours later, no tears, no stitches, no pain relief. I was up and about straight away, I had some uncomfortable period like pain and of course the bleeding that others have referred too, which for me was like a heavy period which lasted about a month. I was moved to a ward and stayed in overnight.

My parents live a few hours away but my husband called at some point them and his family, not sure when but was shortly after we were moved to the ward then my mum called me later in the evening once my DH had gone home.

I was discharged the next day. DD latched on from birth and was a good feeder, yes we were sleepy but it was exhilarating and DH and I cherished those very first hours at home as our new family. Nobody asked / came to visit until day 3 and we were happy for this to happen as we were all good and ready to show her off and after this we were able to get out and about for walks and visit people too.

No one was more surprised than me at how our birth and those first few days turned out. I too had read many of the "horror stories" you mentioned but for me and many of my friends this was not our experience.

Best of luck with everything & congratulations

Martorana · 14/03/2014 20:11

Can I ask a question? Are people really saying that it is entirely reasonable for a mother to refuse to allow her baby's father to take the baby out of the room where she is?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2014 20:13

It may not be reasonable, no - but at that point, I think it is pretty reasonable for the woman to act a bit unreasonably for a while. If it carries on for weeks and beyond, it could be a problem.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2014 20:14

Btw - by 'at that point', I mean the first hours and days post partum, when everything is still new/emotional/ sore/exhausting.

VeggySausage · 14/03/2014 20:23

Oh for goodness sake - it depends on the individual! If you feel well, are on a high after childbirth etc, and want visitors, then great

sittingatmydesk good point. If you want visitors or you are happy for your dh to take the baby off of you straight away fine..but if you aren't, you aren't and it should be respected.

What not one of the YANBUers have said is.. "I really can't stand my MIL but I still let her visit me in hospital.. I hated it but it was the right thing to do. Or "I let dh take the baby off of me straight away so they could visit with mil outside". These women clearly went along with it because they wanted to not out of the goodness of their hearts

And as for those of you claiming it would be a 5 minute visit Hmm

Yeah because people love to drive and wait for a baby and then pop in for 5 minutes...

Martorana · 14/03/2014 20:25

Wow. Positively 19th century. Freud said that women were not rational because of their wombs- good to see that attitude is alive and well!

VeggySausage · 14/03/2014 20:26

For how long martona you seem to have an insane idea that any visit will never last more than 5 minutes.

I think in most cases a new doting grandparent will want a visit that lasts much longer than 5 minutes and you are more likely to cause problems by having them drive to visit and then telling them to leave after 5 minutes.

I also think a couple days over the course of a child's life time are nothing.

I have 2 sons. I will do anything to create a good relationship with them and their partners not stamp my feet like a spoiled child that someone else got to see them first. Babies are people they aren't toys to be passed around

Martorana · 14/03/2014 20:28

"Babies are people they aren't toys to be passed around"

They are indeed people. With relations of their own. They are not possessions to be hoarded by one person.

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