Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Some awesome posts on this thread - well, just on this page, as I haven't trawled through all of it! OP, please read what posters like veggy, annie, driven et al are saying to you.

Well I am sure you have filled new parents to be with absolute confidence.

Well done mumsnet

Waves.

I'm a 1st time mum-to-be in a high risk pg after several mcs with anxiety. It's OK, it hasn't terrified me.

This thread hasn't said anything I hadn't heard in a matter-of-fact way from reputable reading materials, midwife and female friends/relatives (who weren't traumatised I hasted to add, they were just very matter of fact "sometimes you wet yourself for a few days afterwards, don't be embarrassed we all do it..." kind of thing).

What I find scarier is the story of one RL friend who was traumatised. She was exposed to only rosey stories of breathing away pain and how wonderful women could do it naturally (slightly woo - and righteous beforehand) if they kept away from "big bad doctors" with their needles and painkillers. She had depression, guilt, failure-as-a-natural-woman feelings when medical stuff needed to be done to save her DS and the realities hit. :( She is quite open about this now.

Maybe that is why I would rather hear that, for example, pee issues and bleeding for 6 weeks is normal: so when I'm there, I don't freak out but remember it's OK albeit not nice at all.

"Ok, so did you all forget that the relationship if the DW and the PIL had "broken down" somewhat... At what point would the average person want their arch enemy fawning over them post birth or whipping their baby off to "just the living room" for "5mins" ... Unlikely!"

Jesus- projection- much? So when exactly do you think a father has any say at all over where he takes his baby? At 3months? 6 months? 5 years? Ever?

In fairness to Simba, birth stories of shredded bits, blood clots the size of fists and screams of agony may well be pretty par for the course for those of us who have been through it, but they are completely outside the experience of most blokes who haven't been there yet, and probably do sound like horror stories.

I was lucky - I get on really well with my ILs - so much so at they visited whilst I was in labour with ds1 (it was a 37.75 hour labour), and came to see me and ds1 when he was only 4 hours old. In contrast, my parents didn't make the journey to visit us for months. But I am sure I would NOT have wanted a visit from someone I didn't get on well with! during those first hours and days.

What is most shocking is coming onto AIBU, and finding that an OP has listened to people's responses, and has accepted that they are being unreasonable!

I don't think the type of birth your wife has is the issue here and I think the thread has become derailed with birth stories .

I had lovely home births , no stitches and was tottering about shortly afterwards. I still didn't want pil in my face because we had a terrible relationship and I can't stand them. I have no relationship with them and I owe them fuck all after the way they've treated me. Why on earth would I want them present on my special day ? There's no reason I would want to include them in that.

Op you need to focus on the overall problems between your wife and your parents. Your wife doesn't like them and doesn't want them around. It's not about the type of birth she may or may not have .

Something has happened to cause this breakdown and you need to resolve it. You'd be wise to do that before the baby is born . Why don't you start a new thread and get some advice about how to go about that ?

You sound a nice guy , and you've eventually rethought your parents visiting very soon , but really , it shouldn't have had to get to the stage of writing letters and driving away upset for you to get there.

At some point in your life , a relationship of yours has broken down for whatever reason . I bet you didn't unnecessarily have contact with that person after that , and you wouldn't have wanted that person at your wedding , visiting you at the hospital or handling your new born. That's probably how your wife feels.

Sort things out properly Op , or it's only going to get worse.

squitza, good grief yes. When I was regularly pissing myself for a while after DD1's birth it was a huge relief that other mothers on MN had been open about how it wasn't at all unusual and should clear up by itself before long. If it had happened when I hadn't known how common it was I'd have been properly freaked out and convinced that I was permanently broken. Similarly if I hadn't known about how long lochia lasts, or the relatively high incidence of needing stitches after birth (third- or fourth-degree tears the proper "horror story" type are pretty uncommon, but second degree tears are two-a-penny).

Conversely I didn't know the symptoms of childbed fever until I was pregnant with #2, even though I had all of the early symptoms after the birth of #1 (fortunately I didn't actually have childbed fever, just a virus, but I should have been less laid-back about it and I should have made sure I was checked out by a medical professional). [Caution: that link might be counted as a "horror story" but the awareness information it contains is vitally important because childbed fever is so easy to treat if only it's picked up in the early stages. I've still never read anything about it from any official source while pregnant or postnatal]. Women and their partners need to know this stuff before they go into labour and delivery.

I think I stressed more about my MIL than anything else when I was pregnant with DS1.

I think the trick is, if you stay calm, reasonable and ON YOUR WIFE'S SIDE, and your MIL also behaves reasonably (ie also thinks of your wife first), then all will be well.

Oh, and childbirth is messy and painful. I didn't actually believe it until I went through it, but it is.

I feel like I'm stumbled into a parallel world in this thread

There seems to be an unbelievable amount of projection going on, and 80% of what is being written isn't even relevant to the OP. Why are all the horror stories of birth experiences, and how is telling OP he has no idea what horrors lie in store for his wife relevant?

OP rationally asked if he was BU by wanting his parents to meet his new baby shortly after the birth. He said very reasonably in the OP that he "did not want them hanging round or interfering". He just said he was looking forward to his parents meeting their grandchild!

How are the details of blood-drenched sheets, etc relevant to this?

Where did OP say he wanted to "take" the baby away from his wife? I assumed he just meant a visit, there was no mention of wresting the newborn away from his/her mother for a visit in a separate room

It's up to his wife, of course, when she feels ready to see visitors, and OP has totally taken this on board, but blimey there is so much overreaction going on here.

I get on quite well with my in laws. However I wouldn't have wanted any visitors, save my own parents, for the first few days.

I think give your wife has got to go through it, her wishes win. Of course its a massive thing for you too, don't want to downplay it, but in the end, she is the one giving birth. Its a massive thing, you are in altered reality for a while and your hormones are

I have a son and if he ever has a child I will take it as his wife's prerogative to decide when we visit, even if we get on really well. I will also be understanding that she will probably want her own mum (and dad) around first, then us.

Its just the way it is.

I am absolutely shocked by this thread! I'm sorry but your wife sounds like a precious cow who needs to get a grip!
Her mother has no more 'rights' to the baby than yours.

Jeez poor men sometimes. They just can't win. No wonder no one wants sons because they will be the alienated MILs.

Bonkers. Who are these princess women who can't see an in-law until they are ready? I'm seething for the OP.

You sound lovely by the way OP

One way to look at it is this-
You did not invite them to the very private & intimate 'opening ceremony' (i.e.sex)
You should there for not want them around for the 'grande finale!'

Seems like you have it sorted now and I am sure when the time comes you will spend very little (if any) time thinking about any one but the 3 of you.

Enjoy your little bubble for those first precious days

For the 500th time- the woman doesn't have to see anyone she doesn't want to. But I just cannot see why the father can't introduce his baby to his parents whenever he wants to.

"You did not invite them to the very private & intimate 'opening ceremony' (i.e.sex)
You should there for not want them around for the 'grande finale!'"

Now that's just bizarre!

Martorana totally agree. Meeting a new grandchild is hardly the same thing as watching your son shag your DIL

bialystockanbloom I absolutely agree.

I have no idea why blood drenched sheets/babies being dragged out by an arm and leg/more blood, has any relevance.

Surely op's parents just want a quick visit in visiting ours to see their grandchild and congratulate the new parents. This is a normal part of life...I am at the attitudes on here.

Ours? Hours?

Martorana - You keep saying that, and people keep explaining how they would have felt at the idea of their baby being taken away to meet the grandparents. Your view has been heard and heard, it has just been disagreed with a fair bit. It's not a question of 'oh, for the 500th time...' at all.

Enjoy your little bubble for those first precious days

Anyone else just not get this? You are in hospital. Do you serious not want anyone to visit and bring flowers, cards, chocs, gifts? Really?

"Surely op's parents just want a quick visit in visiting ours to see their grandchild and congratulate the new parents."

Then why does the OP's wife think that if they know she's in labour they will drive for two hours to come and hang around the hospital? She could just be deluded, of course, but at no point has the OP suggested that she's wrong about that prediction.

"Martorana - You keep saying that, and people keep explaining how they would have felt at the idea of their baby being taken away to meet the grandparents"

Yeah, well, if you can't cope with the thought of your baby's father taking the baby out of your sight for 5 minutes then there are bigger problems than visiting grandparents......

Ubik Not everyone gives birth in hospital.

I didn't. And I wasn't even remotely interested in presents and cards.

Privacy matters more to some than to others.

I couldn't bear to be married to someone whose family wanted to be overly involved in my life. I married my partner, not his family.

I'm a believer in encouraging hospital visits. Both times I was in hospital after having my DCs, I loved having visitors. Was so proud to show off my babies, and being in hospital seems to highlight that I was a patient iyswim.

It was the visitors when I got home, once reality hit, that were the pita. I would encourage anyone to get visits over and done with, from the comfort of your hospital bed, where you have the support of MWs, meals delivered to your bed with no need to cater food anyone, and visiting hours to ensure no one out stays their welcome!

"I couldn't bear to be married to someone whose family wanted to be overly involved in my life. I married my partner, not his family."

overly involved!!!!!!!!! wanting to see their grandchild is being overly involved????????!?Jesus H. Christ!!!!!