Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I'm guessing yes iam.

And probably one who's had a post written about her in AIBU at that .

Miggsie Absolutely agree. The shower was like the scene from psycho. I actually pressed the emergency call bell cos I thought I was dying. Oh how the midwives must have laughed.

No, I'm not a Mil. I am a person who loves and respects her Dp. And I think it's outrageous that fathers are considered to have no importance around childbirth except as support for the mother, yes, of course that is his primary job- but he has his own relationships to build with his baby, and with his baby and his family of origin. I am not saying that the mother has to meet anyone she doesn't want to. But there is absolutely no reason why the father can't introduce the baby to his parents without the mother there. The baby has two parents. Of equal importance. I can just imagine the outrage if a man came on saying that he didn't want his partner's mother to visit the baby for a week........

simba86 I don't think yabu, you are not asking for your parents to be at the birth, just to see the baby fairly soon after its birth. I fully understand that you are a proud parent and want to share the birth with your mum and dad.

I have seen this with my brothers who were besides themselves with joy and wanted to share it with our mum and dad.

I don't understand all this its the womans choice as she gave birth. The baby was conceived by two people and is both of their child.

It is a life changing experience for both parents so I can see why some men need the support of their own family during this time.

Nobody is asking for the MIL to be at the birth or even in the hospital.

From experience I know it can be overwhelming being faced with lots of visitors whilst in the hospital but at the time you should be able to assess the situation and either agree for your parents to come for a short visit or to wait until you are all at home.

^ Martorana Fri 14-Mar-14 13:47:19

I just don't get this. Why aren't new dads allowed to be excited and want to show their mums their new baby? My Dp would have been so upset and disappointed if I had thrown a hissy fit and said "your parents have to wait a week before they can meet their new grandchild"- and I wouldn't have dreamed of being so unfair. If she doesn't want to meet his parents that's fine- she can stay tucked up in bed upstairs while baby worship takes place in the living room.
^

Because why the fuck should she have to?

women take on all of the pain, all of the risk all of the indignity of 9 months of labor and pregnancy. All me have to do is wait a couple days for permission to let people in the room. Literally that is it. For the next 18 years they will be equal. You are using your opinion of a situation and assuming it should be the same for everyone. Maybe you are happy for your inlaws to be there.. that's fine your choice. You gave birth.

She gets to decide when she is comfortable. Not you, not the op.

Whilst I think the OP's DW is being completely reasonable in saying not to tell the in laws when she goes into labour, i do think that if she intends to have her parents visiting soon after birth then that courtesy should be extended to the Inlaws as well. They are the babies grandparents, just the same and whilst I do honestly appreciate that they don't have the same relationship with OP's DW as her own parents do (far from it in fact) they will and should have the same relationship with the baby. I don't advocate anyone visiting on delivery suite and indeed it's not allowed where I work but for 20 mins, the day after birth on the postnatal ward? I think it's a bit unfair to deny a man the experience of introducing his baby to his parents as soon as possible. Having said all that if the DW does not want any visitors then fair enough but I think when you're favouring one set of grandparents over the other then it's just going to cause needless upset. Try and reach a common ground, discuss it now and reach a compromise, explain it to the parents that they won't be informed when labour starts but as soon as things are over and DW is comfortable then you'll let them know and arrange visiting.

op, if you and your wife are hoping that she will breastfeed, the fist few days are crucial to getting confidence (and milk supply) up. I was happy to bf in front of strangers but actually felt very awkward in front of people I knew so would often hold back feeding..or i would have to wait for a visitor to give back my baby to feed. If you mess that up for her as well she will not be happy and you will be blamed.

OP I think you have been given some helpful advice here that perhaps you are missing.

I feel very strongly that a lot of women are traumatised by their birth experience because they are led to believe that they are likely to have a natural birth, whereas you are statistically unlikely to have a straightforward birth with no intervention.

I think it is wrong not to give women the truth so that they can hope for the best/prepare for the worst in a reasonable fashion.

Why don't you google the stats for the hospital where your wife is planning to labour? I suspect it will be a bit of an eye opener!

I have cut and pasted the January 2014 stats for my hospital:

Percentage of sections 30% (Includes planned sections, 11% and unplanned sections, 19%)

Percentage of Instrumental Deliveries (includes forceps cephalic births, vacuum delivery and breech extraction) 16%

Spontaneous vaginal births that do not meet the definition for normal births. (For example, a spontaneous vaginal birth that has been induced, and/or with general, spinal or epidural anaesthetic before or during delivery. The percentage does not include instrumental births) 18%

Normal Births 36%

Ratio of Midwives per woman (calculated using the average number of midwifes employed in this Trust for the year against the number of deliveries recorded for this Trusts) 1 midwife for every 26 births.

So only just over a third of women had a birth without intervention.

Veggysausages- of course the mother absolutely gets to decide who she wants to see and who she doesn't and when. I just don't think she also gets to say absolutely who the baby sees and when.

"But there is absolutely no reason why the father can't introduce the baby to his parents without the mother there."

There are several good reasons:

• there probably isn't a visitors' room
• the baby won't be allowed off the ward without the mother
• the father doesn't want to introduce the baby to his parents without the mother there

"The baby has two parents. Of equal importance."

But only one of them has been through labour and delivery and it seems fair that that one is the parent who gets to say when she is "well enough" to see her PIL. If at some future point OP is a patient in hospital, or recovering after discharge, he'll get to say when he's well enough to do something; his wife won't get to overrule him just because they are both parents and of equal importance.

"I can just imagine the outrage if a man came on saying that he didn't want his partner's mother to visit the baby for a week."

The OP's wife hasn't said that, though (which has already been pointed out to you). The OP wants to tell his parents when his wife goes into labour so that they can drive down and hang about the hospital waiting to see the baby shortly after birth. His wife doesn't want to do that because she wants to arrange a time for them to visit once the baby has been born and she knows how she's feeling. She's specifically said that this might be just "hours" after the birth, but you keep banging on about the "week" thing.

Without intervention the situation here (given the average length of a first labour) is building up to one where the husband's parents are called when labour kicks off and drive down, then they wait around for a day or so waiting for the birth, then they wait around for more time for the mother to be transferred from the delivery suite (generally no visitors allowed) to the postnatal ward, and then the mother gets pressured to let them in right away (or as soon as visiting hours start) "because they've been waiting for so long".

What I find interesting is that the vast vast majority of women on this thread think the OP is very unreasonable and have personal stories where they are so upset over a 5 minute encounter with a MIL years after the fact....and yet there are still a few people saying OP should do as he likes.

Sure he should if those 5 minutes are worth making his wife feel differently about him for years. Maybe it's unreasonable, maybe it;s "hormones" so fucking what. It doesn't make it hurt any less.

And I wish one person who said "I don't understand this it's her labor business" would actually read why other people think and attempt to empathize.

Please tell me how many men since time began have died in labor?

Bled out during labor?

Have suffered irreparable damage to their body?

Oh NONE. SO that is why (if you really are so ignorant as to not understands) why women get to decide when it all happens. And yes, if I spend 9 months pregnant and days in labor I get to decide when someone takes the baby off of me.. Even dh would have accepted that if I didn't want him to take the baby off of me.

Also if the Op's wife really thought his parents would fuck off after a 10 minte visit she might have let them come round..but clearly she doesn't think that and form reading the stories on here..she is right to.

So you think after 9 months of pregnancy and labor a man has immediately equal rights to where the baby goes and when?

That's ridiculous.

Try asking a man to get 50/50 parenting rights to a newborn.

They can't. For a reason

I think I love you Veggy .

^^ agree with debbie

... And veggy

"So you think after 9 months of pregnancy and labor a man has immediately equal rights to where the baby goes and when?"

No. But I do think a man should be allowed to take his own baby into the living room for 5 minutes!

And as I have said approximately 497 times, no of course the mother doesn't have to meet anyone she doesn't want to.

I can see why OP's wife felt cornered into giving him a an ultimatum.

These are not horror stories, they're norm (whatever a normal in terms of birth can be).

If you want horror story, I ended up with postpartum haemorrhage, had to be rushed to hospital whilst they frantically tried to stop the bleeding and nearly died, it was interesting watching the doctors try to find enough veins to hook IV's to me.

All my friends had stitches the first time around. you can't walk properly and its not uncommon to have no control over your bowels for a while after birth.

You're scenario of getting a couple of stitches up your arse is insulting and wrong, try shitting out a watermelon and getting stitched up after that, then being forced to sit up and smile whilst everyone else ignores your evident pain and profuse bleeding.

And if there is one time in life where a woman is not equal to a man it's with regards childbirth, the mother trumps everyone else all the time her wishes come first, during labour and whilst she recovers.
you can send pictures of your baby to your parents, you can listen to your wife and if she is comfortable enough to have your parents come visit soon after then you can invite them.

I'd listen to her if you want any kind of harmonious family life with your wife and child.

I'm sure there are women who have give birth and look immaculate and back in their size four jeans within hours, I have yet to meet her.

Hi Simba
There are lots of threads on MN about how soon to have people to visit and how people behaved when they did. Particularly in relation to PIL's. Now you've had the unedified and competitive horror version of what goes on in labour which has probably terrified any new mum to be looking at the site too. Nice one ladies.

Your wife already has a difficult relationship with your parents - how they are introduced to their grandchildren, how they behave then and how you support your wife could make a HUGE difference in their future relationship and that of your child's relationship with his or her grandparents. I would simply bear this in mind especially if you have an uncertain future, and view it as an opportunity to reset their relationship.
a) they are likely to adore their first DC especially as you are an only child. Adoration is good, hogging the child is bad
b) if you were seriously ill as a child, they are potentially going to be the type of anxious PIL's who query your wife's parenting particularly as much will be different anyway (baby sleeping on back etc)
c) a 2 hr drive should prevent unwanted "drop-ins". Maybe encourage a monthly visit with some regular skypes rather than every other weekend trips?
d) visitors who help out doing something other than holding the baby are always remembered fondly. They are YOUR parents and already dote on you so you can probably do no wrong. ASK them to help out or go for a walk with them if they are sitting about expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

You will presumably have two weeks paternity. I'd encourage an overnight visit on a TBC basis (if baby and mum are well and feeding is established) in the second week. That's reasonable. If baby and mum are poorly - all bets are off unless as a couple you genuinely need support on a practical level.

I say the second week as post uncomplicated EMCS, I spent 4 days in hospital. DH spent most of the first week entertaining MIL rather than sitting by my bedside as only one visitor at a time was allowed. He seriously regretted her being there in retrospect for that reason, though appreciated all the nice meals and puddings at the time. The two weeks will fly by!

YANBU

I think your wife is being abit silly to be honest.

Its ok for her side of the family to see the baby asap, but yours have to wait till whenever the mood takes her?

Stuff that!

And i say this as a woman who had a 22 hour labour ending in an emergency c section.

Im with you on this one op

Ok, so did you all forget that the relationship if the DW and the PIL had "broken down" somewhat... At what point would the average person want their arch enemy fawning over them post birth or whipping their baby off to "just the living room" for "5mins" ... Unlikely!

"you've had the unedified and competitive horror version of what goes on in labour which has probably terrified any new mum to be looking at the site too. Nice one ladies."

No he hasn't. This isn't even remotely "competitive horror". The simple facts are that lochia happens for everyone, about 70% of women will have stitches, about 25% will have a c-section and another 13% will have instrumental deliveries by forceps or ventouse. This is the reality of normal everyday labour, and if a "new mum to be" isn't already aware of that then she really ought to be. It's not the same as "oooh, my second cousin's friend lost seven hundred and eighty-two pints of blood and was left peeing through her earhole" horror stories, which I agree have no place on this thread (and I think have only started to creep on when the OP described "bleeding, having stitches and possibly being catheterised for some time" as horror stories, in order to show him how much those really weren't).

My first birth was like a textbook NCT ideal birth. All the midwives kept saying 'if only they were all like you'.

Afterwards, I went for a shower. The ensuite one was broken, so i had to go down the corridor to the nearest available bathroom.

I stumbled down the corridor, barely able to walk, wrapped in a blood-drenched sheet, my hair in a wild sweaty tangle, my face in some sort of beatific grimace.

A heavily pregnant lady and her mother were having a tour of the facilities. They saw me and practically fainted in horror at the sight. I'm pretty sure that if the pregnant woman could have cancelled the whole giving-birth thing at that moment, she would have done.

Birth, at its absolute best, is a gruelling, grisly, primitive, primal experience. I found it wonderful and also overwhelming. Just wait and let it happen, then worry about who visits when.

Simba you seem to have a certain view of how giving birth is. I can only bet you have sat down and made a birth plan.

In order that you get a little reality of the impending situation might I suggest you first of all tear up your birth plan as the chances of what you think will happen won't.

Then set your alarm for about 2am tomorrow morning then stay awake till about midday on Monday. Then after 2 hours sleep get up and stay up till the following day where you can allow yourself another 2 hours sleep. continue doing this for the next 2 months. And that is just for you. Your dw will have just squeezed a bowling ball out of her nether regions and will probably feel that she has someone jabbing razor blades on her nipples and you are asking her to meet your parents ASAP.

Something tells me that you might think all babies do is eat and sleep. If so you are in for one hell of a shock.

Mine slept thru at 9 & 10 weeks which I consider to be relatively quick. A df's little one was 2 years before he slept through a complete night. Her dh was nearly suicidal by the time he slept thru.

No one can prepare you and your dw for what you are about to go through. People have been telling you but I don't think you are listening and even if you do take it on board you think as you put it that it is just horror stories to scare you. These are not horror stories but just what happens.

Can definitely tell you there is blood. Lots of it. It doesn't come immediately after you have given birth which might be why you don't believe us as you have been watching too any birthing videos but it comes suddenly a few hours later. My hospital bed looked something like a scene out of a slasher movie. Dont forget you cannot wear a pad properly as if like me you have had a CS you have a tube for your catheter inserted.
Do you really want to subject your wife to visitors whilst she could be sitting suddenly in a pool of her own blood.

Oh and if you want a real horror story df's Pfb came out leg and arm first, she tore so badly she went on to have 13 miscarriages.