Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

As others have said, you're not allowed someone staying with you overnight during any other kind of normal hospital stay, are you?

No one is saying that men should be kicked out of if their babies are incredibly poorly. But in most cases then the parents would be in NICU with the baby so that's a moot point. When that happened to us, I went to the ward, DP went to NICU and stayed there. If the baby is poorly it isn't going to be on the ward.

Maybe other people had nicer wards than I was on but a room with 6 bays, divided by nothing more than a bit of flimsy curtain... Just the sheer practicalities of there then being 12 adults in that room, and 6 babies... That would just be horrible.

The needs of those who need someone there because of physical or mental health concerns should be supported. Not just women who'd rather have their partner there.

I had wondered about sep wards but thought it wouldn't be practical, sep wards, more non midwife staff for post natal help, pos signs and explaining the situation clearly to mums before having the baby would all be things hospitals could consider.

Thurlow Wed 05-Mar-14 16:44:04
As others have said, you're not allowed someone staying with you overnight during any other kind of normal hospital stay, are you?

But its not the same as any other kind of hospital stay either is it?

I do think that some hospitals could do more now and it be situation where both groups could be catered for, but this isn't the case everywhere.

But I do think raising the case for involving partners more is an ongoing one that has implications that go beyond the postal natal ward.

A woman who has just given birth is a patient and isvulnerable. She has an absolute ( in my opinion ) right not to have to share a room overnight with a strange man. No woman should have to do so but certainly not one who has just given birth.

I just had dc3 last week. Wonderful post4 natal care with midwives coming very quickly when needed etc. I was slightly surprised to notice one woman's partner stayed overnight (he was pleasant and quiet luckily!). I just checked the hospital website and it says birth partners are ENCOURAGED to stay overnight and to speak to the midwife in charge about this. I would have loved my dh there but we have 2 other children at with grandparents who were promised that daddy would have breakfast with them. Personally I think that partners should be allowed to stay up to 10 or 11pm but not all night. If someone arrives on the ward in the middle of the night, either an hour or so settling time, or each case can be decided by the midwife in charge.

I would not sleep in a room with a strange man at any point in time. Why should I be expected to after giving birth? I had home births for most of my children and thank god I did. It brings me out in hives just thinking about spending the night with some men you see out and about. If hospitals are going to encourage this fine - but they need the option of private rooms or women only wards too.

It's all abit patriarchal for my liking - the poor menz, they must be there, we mustn't deny them any daddy rights but stuff other women!

I really think fathers should be allowed to stay on the ward if they want. The majority of men are actually decent human beings and are not out to either cause a rumpus or sneak a peek of someone breastfeeding. They are seeing their partner in a vulnerable state wnd needing looked after, and their tiny new born and I don't see why they shouldn't be allowed to be just as close to that baby as the mother.

If they acted in an inappropriate way I would expect them to be asked to leave.

It's nothing like any other type of hospital stay and shouldn't be compared to such.

Tough one. We all know it would not work as a routine thing. But I was in a bay next to a couple after I had my second. The baby was in special care, the mother recovering from a CS with no English and there was no one else to stay with her. No single rooms available either. So what should be done? Fortunately, he was fine, very courteous and frankly more uncomfortable with it than I was.

On the paeds ward I've stayed with the DC there have been both mothers and fathers staying (not together). That I appreciate is different as the women are not recovering from labour.

i work in maternity & our bosses have just "invested" in lazy boy style chairs for the DADS to stay overnight. 1000 per chair, 25 have been ordered...
Yet we cant be provided with tea bags / sugar / milk.....

It's all abit patriarchal for my liking - the poor menz, they must be there, we mustn't deny them any daddy rights but stuff other women!

How is that the case where its women asking for and wanting this?!

But again everyone is in a vulnerable state, having more strangers (men or women) makes that vulnerable state worse.
Should i have had my DH move in with me for the entire 7 weeks i was there,because ds could have been born any day. I was suffering from something that was life threatening for both me and the baby

I agree with that RedToothBrush. It should be an exception that has to be justified in each case. Until we all have luxury single room all the way maternity hospitals, anyway.

That's true about having the baby with you, but I still think the answer is more qualified, medical staff to assist in that situation, not partners.

My issue with other people staying on the ward is not that they are a man, or that they might assault me or that I think they want to perve at the women there.

It is simply that during the night time, during a time where there are currently less staff on the ward, lights dimmed, doors to side-wards closed, I don't want to be trying to get some rest with all these other non-bed bound people wandering around. In fact, for me its got nothing to do with the fact that it is men. It's about it being a small enclosed room that's just not designed to have that many people in.

I'm trying to look at it in terms of what should be decided right now, with hospitals and wards as they are. Private rooms are not going to appear overnight. With the current set-up in the hospital where I gave birth, having another 30-odd people on that ward would just have been horrible.

The problem is Rhond athat I don't wish ANY man to share a room with me overnight postpartum bar my own husband, no matter how nice they may be.

And it's all very well saying chuck the bad ones out but what misery may already have been inflicted by the time he is booted out?

It's too big a gamble, I'm afraid . Men don't need to stay over night, nice as it may be but women do need to feel safe and comfortable as much as they can already in a shared room with other women.

This thread highlights a few things.

One group NEED a partner but there few provisions for them in many places and this is insufficient.

One group would PREFER a partner but this option is only available in a small number of places, but IS proving successful and popular for some of those places. It is a positive not a negative thing. These women do not have a problem with men on the ward.

One group strongly feel they NEED to their privacy to be protected and feel vulnerable.

I don't see why the idea of men on the ward is something that should be opposed so much as a result. The idea isn't flawed, in itself. It just needs to be handled carefully.

But women want them there because I dunno - it's all a bit, " lil ole me ", isn't it? I mean, you have to just put your big girl boots on and get on with it.

I just think men being there shifts the balance of power in a way I can't quite put my finger on - it's a bit like when women take their men into the GP's with them - it's a bit controlling even when instigated by women.

It doe sred which is why , if you allow men, you MUST make provisin for women who do not, under any circumstances, want to sleep in a room with strange men. So you could have family rooms and women only.

Family wards could potentially work. If you have a post-labour ward with four 6-bed side wards, two could allow men and two couldn't, perhaps? Though that would depend on how busy it was.

I felt so humiliated and vulnerable after that man walked into my cubicle. If you are going to let men stay in these tiny wards which can barely accommodate mums and babies then separate women's only wards have to be provided.

Hungermonkey Wed 05-Mar-14 17:13:42
But women want them there because I dunno - it's all a bit, " lil ole me ", isn't it? I mean, you have to just put your big girl boots on and get on with it.

See thats the attitude I despise. Why should you have to do that? Why does having a baby have to be something that has to be endure rather than enjoyed? Why does having a baby have to be something that women do alone? I find that just as old fashioned and paternalistic actually. The fact is that I think having the option is what we should ultimately aim for, to accommodate a variety of women's needs and preferences to make the experience as positive as it possibly can be for everyone concerned.

Hungermonkey Wed 05-Mar-14 17:14:58
It doe sred which is why , if you allow men, you MUST make provisin for women who do not, under any circumstances, want to sleep in a room with strange men. So you could have family rooms and women only.

Which was exactly what I suggested a few posts back...

Thing is, there is just no capacity in most areas for men being accommodated specially with extra space, dedicated Dad zones etc. Let's face it, in London there isn't even enough room for all the labouring mothers. Until the funding fairy comes through with some cash it will have to remain exceptional.

zoemaguire are you me? I had such a similar post-section experience and I agree with you that some (not all I'm sure although it was similar both times I had a ECS) is at best bad, at worst, shabby.

TBH the state I was in, a man sitting in the next cubicle would've been the last of my worries. Trying to gain the attention of nursing staff to help me was much more top of mind.

Like you say, maybe the woman next to me needed and wanted her DP there for whatever reason.

Some of you are spectacularly missing the point.

A post partum woman should have the right NOT to share a room over night with a strange man who may or may not be a decent sort.

That is women's rights - they supercede the rights of men , for bloody once, to play the doting daddy. They can do that for the next 18 years , away from me when I'm dripping blood and milk and trying to sleep, thank you very much.

And what if the woman next to you has a controlling and abusive husband who she doesn't want there herself? Why the actual feck does anyone else have to share with him?