Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

Having seen many of these types of threads here, it always follows the pattern of some women feeling very vulnerable and anxious at the idea of men they don't know, being next to them only separated by a small curtain, when they are trying to sleep. Others can't understand it at all, and no matter how much discussion there is, never seem to understand it.

starfish - That is what they do on other wards.

Ok so to put the proverbial car amongst the pigeons, where do you draw the line with patients needs v other patients needs?
I had many operations for cancer for the last twenty years.
Breasts removed at 26 and more recently my ovaries too.
Not to mention days in hospital on vile chemo.
Nobody stayed the night with me then, much as I'd have liked the comfort during very emotive times.
It's just how it is sometimes.

People who are dying aren't allowed for people to stay the night until they are very close to death. You really can't be more in need of comfort than when you are dying.

DH and I had to take overnights on rotation, sitting up all night in a hard chair, next to our 9-year-old daughter who was dying in ICU.

It's not just about comfort

I physically couldn't cope without my DH there, I am just too disabled and that also meant that my baby needed another adult there to take care of his needs

iam well in your case it would be pretty negligent not to provide you a side room!
expat I thought that about you. That is wrong.
Our little girl had pneumonia at 5 days old and was in icu, we also had to separate at night knowing each time might be the last.
The point is there are many situations where it's preferable for a family member to accompany a patient but it simu is t possible.

Yes we did have a side room for most of the time but not the first night and one other night when I had to be admitted unexpectedly, it's awful being such an inconvenience to everyone but we just didnt have any choice

Totally agree about the other wards where people might need extra support, it seems unbelievably cruel in some circumstances to deny that if there's any way of being flexible

Those who need a partner there for medical needs ( mental or physical) should be accomodated in a private room. Foe open wards - no men. Mother' srights to comfort, privacy and dignity trump the rights of any father at any time. And that is without even considering just how scummy some men are and how completely vulnerable and exposed some women woudl feel with them in a romm over night. Just no. I woudl say this is a women's rights issue, actually.

Lone parents could choose someone else to stay, but I don't think policy should revolve around a minority, especially when those who are having a baby alone may well have actively chosen that.

Well yes. As its the females who are the people who have had the baby if say it is too.

And lovely as it woudl be to have our kind, supportive decent husband sthere to help us - not at the expense of other women and not when the system would not discriminate betwen them and nasty, offensive and threatening men.

If this was the norm, hospitals would never cope.
For a start health and safety wouldn't allow it without an appropriate number of toilets for visitors, overcrowding of wards could be a fire issue.
Etc etc. it couldn't be done.

I also think that if you absolutely cannot cope without your partner ( and I don;t mean for medical reasons) then you have to either have a home birth, pay for a private room or take a deep breath and be a big girl and accept other women's needs for privacy and security trump your wants to hav eyour hubby there.

i work in a hospital so for everyone saying anyone with an overnight partner should be provided with a side room or that the hospital is negligent if they dont provide one...tbh you might as well be saying the hospital should provide you with gold dust because thats how difficult they are to come by when youre busy.

I think part of the problem is people don't always realise they will be sperated from their partner shortly after giving birth if it is at night so then can't make those arrangements. My bad birth experience was supposed to be a homebirth but we transferred to hospital.

But why is a need for privacy seen by some as a more worthy, valid and important than the need for emotional and sometimes physical and practical support?

You don't get privacy on a ward anyway!

That's very true giraffe but I think people should be aware and make themselves aware that they will be alone over night and yes, it is tough and lonely but we survive and we all have to put up with it or go privately or have a homebirth.

Well maybe we should just leave it as having some hospitals that allow it and some not and let the patients choose?

As I said, I am very lucky that I live in the area where the hospital is running a programme to encourage partners to stay. It's the busiest maternity unit around the head of midwifery said as soon as they brought in the programme the number of women opting to birth there went through the roof.

Every single person had a supporting partner of some kind staying over night when I was there for 4 weeks it was lovely to see.

When I had my DS I was on a ward identical to the one OP described. The midwife was showing me how to BF at 11pm.

She left the curtain slightly open, a man came in to ask the midwife to see his DW after she was finished with me.

I was wearing no underwear at the time and had one boob fully on display. I cried hysterically for over an hour.

I then heard the man and his DW protest that when he was asked to leave.

Yes def choice where possible makes sense.

And maybe clear signs

"Please do NOT disturb midwives when they're with another patient - there are newborns and postpartum women on this ward who need privacy and quiet"

It shouldn't need to be there but it might help just to have the reminder.

SantanaLopez Wed 05-Mar-14 14:53:07
It's everyone's partners or nobody's partners- it's not fair or practical to 'judge' everyone's situations.

I actually disagree with this. I do believe where there are situations where it is possible to do this. Certainly, where there is an ongoing concern either with mother or baby and a partner has also built up a relationship with the staff and is involved with the pregnancy there is a case to be made.

In terms of men on wards, depending on the hospital I think there is the possibility that more could be done with some wards women only, and some where partners could be allowed without compromising security of women who do not want to around partners. I believe this was trialled and proved so successful and popular at two hospitals that they decided to keep it. The interesting thing about those two hospitals was that the midwives were initially very against the idea and were hostile to it, but were so surprised at how positive it was, eventually wholehearted changed their minds.

As for dangerous or violent people on the ward, I do agree that this could potentially happen at any time of the day and could come from patients as well as visitors. There really aren't separate facilities to accommodate women with certain problems in private rooms any more than there are facilities to accommodate women who need their partners to stay and thats also an issue.

I do think that the posters on this thread who take the attitude that all men are potential rapists, create as many problems as they claim to solve to unfortunately too. Whilst its well meaning, the side effects actually create more of a divide between men and women rather than tackling various problems. Men are not the enemy and can be as much part of the solution as the problem.

I think changing the mindset that women have babies, to men and women have babies (though one does significantly more than the other) is a cultural shift that we need to make, and see as a positive one. I wouldn't like to see legal changes in terms of safety of women and children, but I do think that we could do a hell of a lot more to accept men in having a role in being a part of a child's life. We have to give the benefit of the doubt in certain situations a great deal more.

the other thing is peoples needs change as they progress through different pregnancies, lots of people's partners might have to stay with their older children at night once the baby is born esp if the mother is in hospital for longer than a day .