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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Man sleeping on ward

674 replies

heylottie · 05/03/2014 07:53

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

OP posts:

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Grennie · 05/03/2014 14:23

Of course not every man is a rapist. But some are. And some of those men are also fathers.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:26

And some people's 'partners' are not the fathers at all.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/03/2014 14:26

But why are genuinely good men who want to be with their new family being tarred with that brush just because they happen to be a man.

My DP would be horrified if everyone though he was a pervert just because he has a penis, I'm horrified that my 3 sons are already branded as predatory because they have penises.

Thurlow · 05/03/2014 14:28

I agree that saying all men are potential rapists is an overreaction.

However the possibility that any of the 'plus ones' staying overnight are just, well, arseholes is high. I'd worry less about them assaulting a woman and more about partner who might steal, shoot up, kick up a fuss, hassle the midwives etc.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/03/2014 14:29

Some women have partners that aren't the father, true, but why are hothouse women not entitled to have someone stay with them and comfort them during a time when they feel vulnerable?

A lady I was in hospital with before the birth of DS3 had her father with her on one night and her mum on the other because the father wasn't involved. Is that wrong? She only wanted someone to hold her hand when she was scared and in pain!

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:29

Because there is no way of vetting them.

sparklystar27 · 05/03/2014 14:32

Errr, some men do indeed rape but to go around in fear of all men in case is taking it too far. I get that youre very vulnerable after birth but i think to fear this after birth is unusual. Some women are violent, abusive and murderers. What is the difference in terms of sharing a ward with people?! And its not a private space, you are in a public building in a public space. I think you're pretty safe!

I think men should all be allowed to stay. I would assume that if a woman had her partner with her then she needed him there and would be sympathetic. In fact I'd be jealous if mine wasn't there and hers was! It certainly wouldn't bother me from a privacy POV you're not asked to undress in front of this woman's partner.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/03/2014 14:32

So maybe no one should visit people in hospital ever then, incase they're troublesome types?

What a very sad state of affairs.

Something clearly needs to be done to solve this, I'm not sure what but excluding visitors and family can't be the answer surely?

DS1 stays on a children's ward frequently. I've stayed with him, his dad has stayed with him. My partner has stayed, my sisters have stayed, my mum has stayed my partners mum has stayed .... No one batted an eyelid. We are all people DS feels comfortable and safe with, yet none of us were 'vetted'

sparklystar27 · 05/03/2014 14:35

No there's no way of vetting anyone in this situation! What a sad state of affairs. And if someone was 'problematic' security would be called and they would be removed from the building. And I imagine on a postnatal ward that is extremely rare. I think a lot of people are being incredibly unreasonable!

ThatBloodyWoman · 05/03/2014 14:36

I think the 'threat' from men being there is minimal tbh.

However, the awkwardness and feelings of being exposed, vulnerable, and lacking dignity are not.

sparklystar27 · 05/03/2014 14:38

I think many women feel awkward, exposed and vulnerable post birth anyway. I really don't see why a man in a curtained cubicle would make that worse. Its not like he's peering around the curtain at everyone! I'm sorry I just don't get it. Men should be encouraged to stay.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:38

In a children's ward the children are the patients. In a postnatal unit, the are two patients to every bay, the mother and the baby. Double the number of patients in the space.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 05/03/2014 14:39

I think the whole thing is made extra tricky by the simple fact that there are two patients whose needs need to be met, the mother and the baby

Because of my needs my DH needed to stay overnight with me but my baby also needed someone there to care for him and that person couldn't be me

minipie · 05/03/2014 14:40

So, lots of you seem to think your concern about being seen by an unknown man when you have a saggy belly and are leaking blood and milk, should outweigh the need for a couple to be together when their baby has just been taken into SCBU.

I am at this attitude. Where is your sense of proportion? Surely, surely, you can recognise that the distress a couple could potentially be in in these circumstances, and their need to support each other, is far more important than any embarrassment about how you look FFS?

When DD was born we were told she could have a life limiting genetic problem. Thankfully it turned out to be a false alarm but those hours were the darkest of my and DH's lives and I cannot understand how it would have been better if he had been sent home because another mother didn't want him to accidentally glimpse her looking messy. Not that he would have been remotely interested anyway.

Private rooms are not always available at short notice, especially in busy hospitals.

I have much more sympathy for those who are concerned about potentially violent/noisy/generally badly behaved DPs/DHs. However that concern exists no matter what time of day; it applies to all visitors male and female; and it could be dealt with by having strict behaviour rules and the odd security guard if need be.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 05/03/2014 14:41

Check with the midwives.

When my DC stayed in SCBU, fathers were not allowed overnight, but welcome for visiting hours.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:41

And yet, another poster on here already related she did have a man peering at her through the curtains. And, why I had DS, a 'partner' was discovered in our shared bathroom injecting heroin.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:43

Um, mini, some mothers have also been sexually assaulted or abused in the past and their issues go beyond their leaky boobs and heavy bleeding.

sparklystar27 · 05/03/2014 14:43

Couldn't have said it better myself mini pie. And I think the number of men interested in or noticing a woman when he's just had a baby are slim to none!!!
I think we need to be sympathetic to each other and get a grip frankly!

ThatBloodyWoman · 05/03/2014 14:43

Sparkly I am describing how I and quite a few others felt.

Whether you 'get it' or not, it's quite valid imo.

ILickPicnMix · 05/03/2014 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 05/03/2014 14:43

Frequent this wasn't in SCBU itself, it was the postnatal ward, but where the couple's baby was in NICU.

(and probably in the high level care bit of NICU seeing as the nurse referred to "incubator").

sparklystar27 · 05/03/2014 14:46

I understand that and it would be in their notes expat. I would expect in that situation the mW would do tjeir best to minimise the distress. But the other woman's needs also need to be considered. Private rooms are not always available.
The man peering through the curtain could have been completely innocent explanation and if not then I stress again you are in a public space with security and professionals. Heroin in the toilet does happen. Private space etc and expect it was dealt with.,.. If you took it to extremes then there would be no visitors. The time of day matters little in a hospital so I don't see the problem sorry,

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:47

The odd security guard?! This person, caught injecting, punched a midwife, assaulted two more staff members and had to be carted off by the police.

Believe me, you can get some very violent and aggressive 'partners'. Te midwives can tell you, finding the mother's partner sleeping on the bed with his shoes on and the new mum sat in the chair because he was not comfortable, swearing at the mum or baby so it will 'shut the fuck up' and on and on. Patients should not have to worry about dealing with that as well as their and their baby's need.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2014 14:49

LOL it's in their notes!

sparklystar27 · 05/03/2014 14:50

Yes, its a valid opinion how you felt. I felt the same due to a number of complications I won't go into but I wouldn't nor didn't have a problem to their being partners around anymore than I had a problem with my partner/mW/women in ward witnessing it. The gender shouldn't really make a huge difference and this man should be offered sympathy if his little one was in scbu. Not suspicion and being wished he wasn't there

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