Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

Congratulations xx
No this isnt the done thing. In my unit men are sent home after 10pm so women can get settled for the night.

No it's not necessarily men, it could be women in a same sex relationship.

Well my stance was always that my dp would be ether off at home getting a good nights sleep so he was in a fit state to help when I got home. Much better than both of us being knackered sleeping (or not) in a hospital.

Dp didn't stay but I eryainly can understand why others might. Because your are alone. Hospital property but alone.

Certainly

All partners are allowed to stay all night in our maternity unit. We've even had reclining chairs supplied to all beds for this purpose. They're allowed to stay whether you're post natal ante natal in a single room double room or 4 bedded bay. There seem to be more men there than women some nights!

Having fathers or birthing partners present at birth is an individual choice and cannot be compared. In the majority of cases, women don't give birth on an open ward so choosing to have a partner in the delivery suite doesn't impact on other women.

And with regards to birthing partners, it's entirely up to the mother who is birthing as to whether they get access or not. Women don't lose this right just because the birth bit is over.

I read your post Kooth.

How do you know I haven't had similar experiences? It does not mean that I feel able to and can cope with it in the same way as you.

I do see it from two sides, but the way I see it is that, much more can be done to accommodate multiple needs without compromising.

The only research I can find at present is a survey saying that 70 pr cent of peope think fathers would be allowed to stay overnight, from 2007, but it's on a dads website so I can imagine the reaction to it on here.

And the ncp supports the idea (not sure if that's good or bad) that the option should be there

www.gwh.nhs.uk/wards-and-services-a-z/a-to-z/maternity-services/where-should-i-have-my-baby/delivery-suite-at-princess-anne-wing/

Fair enough red, I'm not trying to say otherwise. At the end of the day you have booked a private room, so have taken into account the needs of others anyway. My issue is with partners staying on the ward.

Just to say, you might have been surprised at your ability to cope, I was. My dd brought me more strength than I ever knew I had. I hope your dc does the same for you.

Em no one is arguing that the partner/parent should stay if the mother doesn't want it are they - or did I miss something?

My maternity ward had a 'quiet time' (well as quiet as a maternity can be!) from 9pm till 9am. The fathers/siblings of the baby could come any time in the day, all other visitors in visiting hours only.

I must say, I was relieved at 9 when all the partners went home, and everything went quiet, apart from the odd baby cry or whispered conversation with a nurse.

I certainly wouldn't have liked a strange man snoozing in a chair on the other side of a thin curtain.

YANBU OP.

I coped. Hey I was still high on pain killers. My DC might have not been BF without my DH though. My DC had already torn three lots of sugar solution drips out so needed to be fed.

I was informed of this and requested a wheelchair but none was forthcoming until my DH arrived a significant amount of time later(an hour or so I think) and could chase it up.

Why do we have to pander to the namby pamby PC men's lobby? The last time I checked only women could give birth and even if a woman is a violent drug addict if she has just given birth she is hardly as much of a danger as an able-bodied man. And so much for equality, I still get asked to make the tea and fetch sandwiches at work even though men of my grade and with my qualifications would never be asked to do so.

Oi Floppity no namby panby PC person here!

It seems separate to me because so many of the comments on MN about wanting someone with you is the help with the baby, which adequate staffing will do. Women who feel they can't cope at all without their actual partner, not just.someone to help, are a different scenario.

Different scenario? Maybe. Same resulting need though, a supporter / advocate staying. Why myself and others feel it has to be mentioned.

Now I gave birth almost 10 years ago maybe units are better now in supporting BF. However I was immobile which meant I could not get to the SCUBU unit where my baby was to establish BF until my DH arrived.

I am thankful I did manage to establish BF, my DC was BF for almost 2 yrs, so without my DH my DC would have missed out on this.

I personally wouldn't have liked it, in a private room fine.

I've spent a huge amount of time in children's wards some of in a local hospital, some in specialist children's wards. I've had a dad sleep centimetres from me, in one hospital where the nurses would not allow,the curtains to be shut. It was awful, it would have been awful being another rum but for me a male was much worse.

In a maternity ward , with bleeding and breast feeling I'd feel v uncomfortable with a strange man sleeping all night next to me.

I am neither nanny pamby nor pc.

I do however firmly believe in the rights of everyone, including espcially and above all the baby, to have the best and most appropriate care at that time.

And if that means we need a mind shift to thinking further beyond clinical care and into the time in hospital as establishing a family, then so be it.

Can someone please explain why a normal able bodied man who is there to take care of his own partner and parent his own child is a threat to anyone else.

Can someone explain why Kooth being made to be terrified and put in Thr situation she describes is good thing? I realise she thinks it is, but I'm appalled.

I have yet to see any coherent argument as to why, because some women do not want one thing, that should be denied to other women who would find it vital.

And I don't believe that merely accepting the status quo and saying we should work within those constraints, to the detriment of everyone involved, is all right.

I've been doing some reading on other websites around this issue and I'm pleased to see quite a few maternity wards putting recliners in and saying partners are welcome, and that there is an option.

I would sincerely hope that option includes allowing women who want to be in a female only room to do so as well.

The reality is there won't be a woman only room as well. All women will just be expected to put up with lots of men sleeping in wards, alongside women.

It's within living memory that women who had lost babies were put onto wards with mothers and newborns.

That doesn't happen now because it's recognised as bad practice.

Do we not think things can change any more? Are we that defeated and beaten down we cant argue for choice?

I'm trying to find some information on paternal involvement post birth and impact on child development, if I can I will share, just in case anyone else is interested in like, yknow, the BABY.

Koothrapanties, my problem is about my ability to consent and communicate as much as anything else. It does actually mean its in the best interests of staff for me to have DH there to help me so they can properly establish that I fully understand what is going on and what I need. I have the full capacity to consent, just not the ability to communicate it easily. Its deeply frustrating and distressing.

I am otherwise perfectly normal. Just a little nuts. Its an ongoing thing that although I am working on, everyone concerned needs to be realistic about how much progress I can make with it.

I think I am at the extreme end of the scale, but there are plenty of women who have problems of varying extents. I also think there are other scenarios which would have similar situations.

I don't think its unreasonable to work towards a situation that benefits everyone. I think its sad that you didn't have the possibility of a private room and instead had to endure your situation. Thats no more right than anything else and I think we should do what we can to try and ensure improvements for all.

Grennie Wed 05-Mar-14 22:29:41
The reality is there won't be a woman only room as well. All women will just be expected to put up with lots of men sleeping in wards, alongside women.

The doom mongers shouldn't rule out something because they fear the worst. They should care about ensuring the right outcome for all. Such self defeatism, really doesn't help women either.

I agree there Grennie. But putting up with men present versus mother and baby having adequate care and I would go with adequate care.

Not that anxiety needs can never be as important in some cases as physical care needs. However how many people here suffered real anxiety as opposed to irritation? Added to this anxiety over having men present does not trump anxiety over being separated from partners. To be completely fair each case needs to be weighed up individually.

Private rooms are not always available either.

Can someone please explain why a normal able bodied man who is there to take care of his own partner and parent his own child is a threat to anyone else.

For me it is not so much about them being a threat more that they get tunnel vision. For many people this will be their first experience of spending time in hospital. Quite frankly some just dont know how to behave:

• staring or being nosey
• opening curtains on bays to find the nurse/midwife
• talking too loudly
• commenting on other people even if whispering

This isnt a dig at partners. I think that a lot of visitors on maternity wards dont know how to behave (I witnessed this having my own DCs).

The problem with partners staying is that there is no getting away from it. I know that if someone does behave rudely or badly then a mother can complain but the problem is that by that point it has already happened. Privacy has been invaded, other people have been disturbed. Also can you imagine the icy glares from the next bed if someone complains about their partner?

Or much more resources to be channelled into maternity units...