Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

mini I have answered that along with many others.
My dd was gravely ill at birth and dh and I had to take it in turns to stay with her. Of course we'd have preferred to both be there but we weren't allowed as there was not enough room or facilities.

Can anyone just take some time to imagine if every husband stayed the night on the mat ward.
Totally impractical and as I said earlier would never be allowed due to h and s.

Possibly Ledkr my argument is with the hospital. I do feel patients are more vulnerable without a family member to advocate for them within the NHS.

We should all be directing our energies into better maternity and post natal care and support for women. Allowing men into recovery wards lets the NHS off the hook and takes womens rights in a backwards direction.

We all watch OBEM - can you imagine being forced to spend the night with one of the vile males on there? shudder.

'Is that rule because of infection risk?'

No, it is not.

It just is, as Ledkr related via her own experience.

The children whose deaths are imminent are moved to a side room if one is available, ours went straight into one because she had no immune system, but every other parent was not allowed to spend the night next to their child.

For crying out flipping loud, are you all really so self obsessed to think that a man there with his partner and new baby has the least bit of interest in you and what you are doing? What is it that you magically think you start doing between 10 am and 8 pm that's such an issue?

Hungry monkeys disgusting attitude towards men just sums up the marginalization of men in parenting and family life that is sadly apparent in a thankfully small minority of women. So many women are shacked up with arseholes? So are so many men!

10 pm and 8 am

What is OBEM?

capsicum I am not trying to explain the workings of a catheter! merely the fact that this maybe one of the many many reasons that a woman would not want someone else's husband on the ward all night.

Can I also add to the debate that some women's religion would make it impossible for them to be in the room with a man, are you suggesting those ladies should be in full burka whilst recovering from their births.

Hopefully that would happen Hunger in most cases, but sometimes there just isn't a private room available. There is an example upthread of where it took several hours to free up a private room. The private rooms will usually be occupied by women who themselves have had bad experiences, so can't really be kicked out on 5 minutes' notice.

For all we know this could have been exactly the situation of the woman in the cubicle next to the OP - hideous circumstances, waiting for a private room, on shared ward in the meantime.

Are you really saying in those circumstances the DP should be sent home?

The fact are that the NHS is the NHS and has issues. It doesnt have a huge amount of money (or any!) to spend on women who cannot do without their partners for a few nights! Whether that is right or wrong is beside the point.

I went NHS for my first child with a private rom booked because that was important to me. I didnt like what I saw particuarly so the final child was a private birth. It was lovely, the birth wasnt lovely but I felt under control. I didnt need to write a birth plan my consultant said he knew what I wanted and if I changed my mind that would be fine by him. I had a private room and my DH staggered guests over the next few days.

TBH - the NHS isnt available for everyone's wants. Over the years I have been told the NHS wont cover speech therapy unles you want to wait 18 months, when I lost some of my hair due to stress my GP told me there was no treatment available under the NHS. My DS has severe acne. Again I was told it was 'cosmetic' and wasnt covered. So actually just because some women feel they cannot do without their partners for a couple of days of their life just OVERNIGHT makes me think they are selfish and entitled.

Strictly speaking women do have a RIGHT to privacy on a hospital ward. However how you define this is another point entirely. Closing curtains is often considered enough.

You also have the RIGHT to the best possible care for your individual circumstances; which may include having someone stay with you for the benefit of your mental health or maybe to translate.

So if you have the RIGHT to both, why aren't hospitals doing enough to ensure this happens at all times?

Of course there is no comparison expat, none at all

I was talking about regular children's wards which do allow parents to stay overnight. My DH has also been allowed to stay with me once overnight on a general surgical ward so I was just pointing out that there are sometimes exceptions

Not all women are fit and healthy when admitted to a postnatal ward, some need extra care that is not available from the staff. And yes those people should always be in a private room but they aren't always available

Rhonda Victim of rape is not self obsessed.

Rhondajean - how offensive to reduce the argument against strange men seeing us postpartum as women being self obsessed. That argument is incredibly offensive. And your husband is very welcome to see you postpartum and be fully involved. But forgive me if I don't want him involved with me post birth.

rhonda even if the visitors are there all day it is still nice when everyone goes home at the end of the day.

Like expat I've had the misfortune to be in hospitals for extremely distressing and emotional things, I've appreciated my lev dines with me for those times but also accepted that they need to be aware of the other patients

Would I choose to spend the night with a unknown man or women moving around, talking or making noise - NO I WOULDNT.

If you really really cannot do without your partner for whatever reason then get a private room. I agree up thread. There are women in the 100's on MN complaining about ex partners in the most vocal language. Not one or two but many. They would be lovely to be next to in a large ward. Not because they are peeping at women with their boobs out but because they seem to be horrible people - at least according to their ex partners!

Not wanting a strange man seeing you in your most vulnerable state is not self obsession. It's self preservatipn, it's normal and it's healthy.

If you cannot do without your partner at your side all of the time. Well - I question what you will be like when you are at home!

handcream Wed 05-Mar-14 19:41:01
If you cannot do without your partner at your side all of the time. Well - I question what you will be like when you are at home!

Fine actually. Its HCPs and hospitals that I have a problem with, not my house.

No they are not xxxed. Nor are they all women, nor are all - or even the majority - of men rapists, unless you are Andrea dworkin.

Hunger I have no doubt neither my husband nor anyone elses would have no desire to be involved with you post birth. You have a vile attitude towards men and I will call you on it. Just because there is a man in your vicinity does not make him in any way involved with you and to say that is just a further sign of at least your own self obsession.

Led, yep, point taken, I think my point is not that everyone should be on a ward where men are staying but that the facility should be available as one woman's desire to have her partner there is its valid as another's not to, no less valid at all. I'm ignoring the funding issue, just because there isn't funding for something does not mean we should not aspire to the best.

I cannot stand this inference that all men are arseholes, leering, aggressive, intimidating or gawping. Most are just, yknow, people who are interested and concerned with their own family.

Most of us can do without our partners just fine. I'm quite happy being home or out alone.

Just that when your dumped and abandoned hy hospital staff it's kinda normal to wish/or need someone there!!

I certainly wouldn't want men there in the night (or really the day either) but I guess until there are unlimited resources then it will happen. Incidentally in some countries women men used to not be permitted to visit at all while the women and babies stayed for a few weeks (the Soviet Union apparently!). All they could do would be to wave bunches of flowers outside the windows. I think the idea must have been to allow for proper recovery time. Obviously there weren't unlimited resources there and the economy eventually collapsed.

Giles agree with the being dumped bit.

Handcream when I am at home I do need my DH with me 24/7. He is my full time carer and I have to rely on him for everything, absolutely everything

Can you really not imagine an instance when that might be neccesery?

RedToothBrush you are being very selective with your replies.

Women who have suffered sexual violence would not consider a paper thin curtain adequate privacy from an unknown man post partum.

The logistics of fitting some many adults in tiny cramped wards is unrealistic unless you plan on building new facilities.

When I gave birth at kings college hospital, the toilets were not Cleanend regularly enough, there were bowls filled with urine left on the floor + guests using the toilet meant it was filthy.

They are cleaned even less frequently at night, all those women + partners. It was rancid.