Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

But you are in a private room, your husband will not be sharing a room with me so if he's a rapist, perv or just an arsehole like so many on the relationships boards here or on OBEM, I couldn't care less as he's not sharing sweet dreams with me, only you.

You only have to take a quick shufty on the relationships board to see how many women are shacked up with nasty little arseholes and seemingly see this as normal. Fine - but don't expect me to sleep with him!

I also think lots of women think it shows how devoted they are that they can't bear one night in hossie without hubby. To me it shows that you need to woman up a bit, actually.

No there are a lot of women on this thread who can't read and don't want to read. And instead are reading what they want to rather than what others are actually say!

Hungermonkey Wed 05-Mar-14 18:15:43
I also think lots of women think it shows how devoted they are that they can't bear one night in hossie without hubby. To me it shows that you need to woman up a bit, actually.

Well bully for you!

And you know, women do cope , have coped and will cope for a night or two on a ward with a baby and no hubby.

But many women will simply not cope sharing a room with strange men.

We find half the time and yes I work on a maternity ward that when partners stay over in the single room I may add they don't do anything anyway they generally sleep!!

So what's the point in that, when potentially there is somebody with a greater need for that single room yet somebody stamps their feet and tantrum like a two year old just so their partner can sleep!

Red - don't get personal, it diminshes your argument. You have a private room so you are okay.

(And if I'm bluntly honest, I think the argument that women are only thinking of themselves is just as valid for the people arguing the other side of the case. We should be discussing how to make it work for EVERYONE rather than making into a 'them and us').

Whose rights trump the other person's. Well to me its simple. The mum and baby have to be there. Any one else can visit during the day and up to a reasonable time at night. After that they need to leave respect the wishes of the whole of the ward.

Its rather like a flight I took last year. A very fat lady unfortunately sat down next to me on a long haul flight. She was literally spilling into my seat and culd barely get the armrest down once she has squashed herslef in. It was only by using my space that she managed it. She also had a large amount of luggage which she insisted on keping around her.

I did speak to the crew after take off but they were very wary about saying anything - so they didnt!

My rights wer trumped by her rights and very miffed I was too

redtoothbrush, I missed the post where you said about your husband being allowed to stay. What will they do if there's no private room? Would he be allowed to stay on the ward with you instead? (Just being nosy, not gearing up for anything even though it looks like that )

Hunger, you think women are all able to women up. I don't believe that everyone has that capacity and I think you should think yourself lucky that you can. So yeah whatever...

Well put handcream. Patients rights supercede. It really, really is that simple. I have a right not to share a room with a strange man. A strange man who is not a patient has no right to sleep in the room I have to sleep in.

No, I wasn't planning on being there the whole time, I spent a large amount of time in a 6 bed ward, it was only when I got to a point where my mental health was suffering due to some shocking care I had by my consultant, but anyway my finances don't come into this, I actually had a lot more of a settled and calming time on the open ward than I did in the private room anyway but again, that's not the point here.

It's not selfish or pathetic to want your support person by your side for an event that is life changing and pretty hard to endure.

I don't need to "woman up" or whatever other bollocks you're saying. I have plenty of time away from DP, I have said earlier in the thread that I stay at the same hospital frequently without him during long stays with DS1.

It's all very well to say we're selfish but what about you? You're selfish for denying other women the right to be supported overnight because of your own feelings on the matter.

People want different things. Get over it,

Well red, women for generations managed just fine with no men anywhere near the delivery room and everyone seems to manage just fine now too with men going home at night.

I think a woman in hospital has the right to some privacy. Strange men in the wards overnight. No thanks. I'd have been furious.

Red health care needs are completely different to having your partner just because u "demand" him there!!

If your partner is the only person who can support you through that time then that's up to u and your specialist midwife and if u were in a 4beded post natal ward at our hospital you partner would be asked to go home at 8 and only when that single room was given to u then he would be allowed to stay! Nobody as in partners is allowed to stay in the 4 bed bays regardless of who they are, what their circumstances are!

DH fell asleep on the floor next to my bed after DS1's traumatic arrival. DS was in NICU and very ill. After hours of labour, surgery and invasive tests etc DH was in no fit state to drive.

It was only for a short period as they moved us to the private room they use for those with very poorly babies or bereaved.

The hospital asked that DH follow certain rules when staying over and that was all entirely reasonable.

But i guess you don't know the circumstances of why a woman may have a partner stay over. And you don't need to know either.

well red, women for generations managed just fine with no men anywhere near the delivery room and everyone seems to manage just fine now too with men going home at night

Have to disagree with you there. Everyone doesn't manage just fine.

Are you genuinely suggesting tits that one woman's want to have a man stay over ( who may or may not be an abusive arsehole ) should take precedent over a woman who is bleeding, sore, vulnerable and has just given birth and wants to feel safe? I really worry about what sort of message that sends women and how much we value them and their rights.

Anony I can't speak for red but yes that's what happened with my DH, a private room when available and on the ward if not

Hungermonkey it's not true that all women can cope without someone else there, as seen on this thread alone there are women who have a genuine need for extra help

But I didn't have care for me and my baby overnight, even though i was 8 hours post c section. There were not enough midwives. There was nobody to pick up my baby so that she could feed, get me to the toilet after catheter removed without collapsing, give me painkillers, etc. These are my rights just as much as other women have a right to privacy. It isnt about father's rights, it is about my rights as a patient to get the support i need, and which the system does not allow me to get. If my dh had not turned up at 8am, i would have had to wee in the bed, because nobody was answering the call bell. Not much dignity there. This is the great irony of this whole discussion,which is that hospitals rely on family care on postnatal wards. If all men were banned from the wards, your own quality of care would vanish through the floor, because all the unpaid care families provide to women postnatally is what keeps the system from total collapse.

There are a few NHS hospitals currently running a programme where partners are encouraged to stay and have chair beds provided, yes this means on open multi bed wards.

Our local is one and it's been reported during conversation with the head of midwifery there that most women are keen to have their significant other stay so they've become incredibly over subscribed, I was wheeled up to labour ward and gave birth in a room that had been prepped for someone else for instance as DS was already making an appearance in the lift!

Just for those that asked ^

Women managed in the past, by the by, because postnatal units were properly staffed and funded, and there was an expectation that women needed full nursing support post birth. That is no longer the case.

Anonymai Wed 05-Mar-14 18:20:31
redtoothbrush, I missed the post where you said about your husband being allowed to stay. What will they do if there's no private room? Would he be allowed to stay on the ward with you instead? (Just being nosy, not gearing up for anything even though it looks like that )

Honestly I don't know. And I am very concerned about that possibility. Its something that has not been raised in discussed. Yet.

I don't think I could cope with the situation, and I probably would be looking to discharge myself against medical advice if he was refused. (I suspect this is also why they provisionally agreed to my request which does go against their rules. Although I haven't expressed this feeling I do get the feeling that the midwife in question, has a certain amount of experience with it, and may be aware that this is how someone like me might react).

I know I am at the more extreme end of the scale, but I am also aware that there are a lot of women who have similar problems but don't take the approach I have because they don't think they will be taken seriously or don't have a hospital which recognises the problems in the same way. I am unusual but I'm not freakishly so and I do think it is more common than a lot of people might realise.

I do think there are a lot of women who are falling through the cracks in this lack of awareness, and probably NEED a partner there rather than would PREFER, but because of the nature of how this isn't discussed as openly and without prejudice as it should be (and instead believe that they have to woman up or else they are just being pathetic rather genuinely needing that support. Hence my feeling that comments like that are particularly unhelpful as it discourages women from asking for extra support of various kinds, not just on this subject).

I'm saying it's my right to have support in the form that I feel necessary, I was suffering, in agony, I had very poor me takes,the and I was on a ward with not enough staff, I was in a wheelchair for the first time in my life and my DP's presence was all that was keeping me stable, so yes, I think my needs were as important as any other woman on the ward.